I'm Angry!

Okay, no I'm not really angry. I'm just irritated. By everything. Frequently. Ugh.

I don't like anger. I don't handle it very well. I don't know what to do with it. For the past week I have been biting people's heads off. It's like my filters are nonoperational. I'm probably no more snippy than anyone else who gets snippy but it has a bigger impact on people because it is not usually there. This constant irritability is very out of character for me.

My MO is to seek and destroy. I will find out what is getting me mad and eliminate it, either by thinking my way out of it, turning it onto myself, or tossing it over The Wall to make it not exist at all. I have been informed this not exactly the most healthy way of handling things but old habits die hard.

So I've been trying to figure out where the anger is coming from. To this end, I have been examining what types of things are irritating me.

The kids have just been driving me up the wall. They are constantly fighting with each other, physically and verbally. They are refusing to pull their own weight around the house. And the whining!! OMG - the whining is going to be the death of me!

Alright, from the POV of Jung and his immortal Shadow, that behavior in them is getting to me because I hear and feel the same desires and reactions inside my own head. I don't want to do the crap around here that needs to be done. I hate it like I hate very few other things. The very thought of cleaning makes me tired and irritable and whiny. And when people say things that bother me, I have the urge to lash out at them instead of blow it off. Everything in my head wants to be acting like they are. Thus when they do act that way, it bothers me intensely.

Other than the claustrophobic fighting with the kids, in the past couple of days, I find myself irritated by life in general. The past 6 months have been full of complications. And the more of them that pile up, the louder the cries of It's not fair! and Why me??? become. And then I start trying to answer those questions and the only answers I can come up with fill me with despair and - yup... more anger.

I keep thinking that life shouldn't be this difficult. It's like I have this assumption of entitlement. Life shouldn't be this difficult and it isn't fair that my life is so complicated. I want to give up. I want to throw my hands in the air, tell the world to stick it where the sun don't shine, and take my leave of absence from it. I won't. Because I can't destroy my kids. But I so completely want to. And being thwarted in that arena as well just builds the frustration.

Of course, realizing that I'm raging at the world and at life in general actually creates more friction in my mind. It's not like being angry at someone for something they did and being able to confront them and resolve the situation. Who am I going to confront? God? So I feel impotent. And I cannot stand feeling like I have no power. Even when I know I have handed my personal power over to someone else, I still feel like it is my power and I made the choice to hand it over. But when I'm pissed at life and the random bullshit that it has been dishing out lately - I have no control over that. There is no power to take back here.

And so the anger builds, the irritation bubbles to the surface and I have been getting snippish and having to bite my tongue. Instead of turning the situation around until I can manipulate it, I am sitting on it. It's like riding a roller coaster - up and down and too fast and too jarring. It makes my stomach feel gooey and while I'm not scared, I'm not having the "fun" I was assured I would experience.

Anger is NOT cool. It's NOT okay. I DON'T like it and I want it to go away.......