Courage Doesn't Determine Outcome

Having the balls to ask for what I want has been a hot topic in my head lately. With my current angry mood, requests tend to come out as criticisms or sarcasm or snipping or otherwise not an effective means of communication. So I have to mull something over for quite some time to be able to phrase it appropriately and in a tone of voice that isn't an attack.

Well, I've been thinking for quite some time that I am rather jealous of the format of Baby-Mommy's therapy. I totally love The Shrink and would follow him to the ends of the earth but I often wish he (make that WE) were a little bit more linear and consistent. I like predictability and having a plan. I want the flexibility to ditch the plan as needed but I do want to have a plan. It's so easy for me to wander or drift away from (or flat out dodge) the things I need to be addressing. I end up having coffeehouse sessions. (The kind where we sit around and rehash events but don't make any progress in any direction - nice but not useful in the big picture.)

I want to make myself tackle things in a more direct and aggressive manner. But I let fear hold me back and instead of addressing whatever issue I need to work on, I freak and bail. And The Shrink doesn't hold me to it. He's very Carl Rogers about the whole thing and just goes where I'm at. He is very good at relating wherever I'm at to my bigger picture problems but he doesn't guide or direct.

So I thought, if I could just muster the nerve to say something about it, that maybe he do a little more of that. I've been telling myself this for weeks and never gotten the nerve to actually do it. So, yesterday I sucked it up and I made myself do it. I asked for what I wanted, relatively directly and without the need for him to guess or mind-read to figure out what I was saying/wanting/needing.

YAY ME!

Except............ he shot me down. Crash and burn - no survivors. Honestly, I don't remember exactly what he said. The gist of it is that we do have plans and goals and we are working towards them but it's not his style to be as formal as Baby-Mommy's therapy is. What wasn't said but is now blatantly obvious is that if I want structure, I have to provide it, if I want more aggressive tactics, I have to initiate them, and if I want a road map, I have to draw it.

So I tried to ask for what I want, I managed to keep my nerve up, and I still got shot down. At least it was in a safe atmosphere. He shot me down without me feeling attacked or belittled and with minimal feelings of being a complete and total idiot asking for unreasonable things. I'm still disappointed and I still feel stupid and like I asked for something I shouldn't have, but it's not like other situations I have been in where a "no" answer was a much more traumatic experience.

*big sigh*