Does anyone know where I was during these times? I know I ended up at the BIL's once while the power was out. And I was inpatient at the psych ward for a couple days once. Currently we are living with my parents because the ice storm took out the power which took out the boiler which froze the heat pipes which flooded at least one room of our house. We have heat now but we aren't going home because Baby-Mommy has her BIG TEST sometime this week and can't watch all 5 kids and Hubby is in and out (more out than in) with the trains and I can't be left alone.
I keep forgetting everything. I don't remember people or places or things I've done. I have no memory of Christmas except the evidence left behind. They can't leave me alone because there is no telling what I may do, from going back to bed (leaving the 2 year old unattended) to thinking I haven't taken my meds and taking them again (and again and again...) Mostly I disappear into my head or into a book or into a book that lives in my head.
They are sending me to the hospital. I don't know exactly when. They have been making plans for who will cover what duties while I am gone - it's like eavesdropping on someone planning your funeral. I think we are waiting for insurance confirmation of which hospital is covered. Or maybe to see the doctor Monday. Or maybe to find a new doctor like we were talking about.
I'm very scared. The hospital takes away everything I treasure. I can't see my kids or my family. My freedom is gone. The things I like to do are forbidden. Most of those things are the only ways I know to calm myself down when I'm scared. I can't use MAC (my laptop) or BOB (my Nokia) or watch any of the television shows I like to watch. I hope to be able to take a book that I like to read but I have trouble concentrating when I'm upset. I can't have my writing notebooks and ink pens. I don't know about sketchbooks and pencils and erasers. No Dog-Dog or Fuzzy blanket to hide with. No music to calm down my head. They will even take away my wedding ring! At the same time, they will probably stop all of my meds and then get cranky with me when I totally fall apart.
I want to hide. I want to sleep. I want to go away so far into my head that no one ever finds me again. But they won't let me.
The worst jokes I have ever written
13 years ago
1 comment:
Hi SV
When I went into the hospital I brought my sketchbook and pencils. No one said anything. I am sure if you brought them you would have access to them at least some of the time. I hope the hospital works out to be a restful place for you to begin feeling better. This may sound strange, but my stay in the hospital was enjoyable. For once I have No responsibilities and it was just me taking care of myself. Hope it works that way for you too.
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