Second Opinion

I went to the Kid-Shrink today to get a second opinion on my own psych issues.

~~~REWIND~~~

My Med-Shrink has been treating me for a mood disorder for probably about 5 years. I have been growing increasing unhappy with the communication between us. He is always rushed and detached, doesn't want explanations or input beyond a one or two word reply. I never feel like I have had the opportunity to go over the questions and problems I came into the office needing to discuss. The more time that goes by, the more frustrated I get. I tried to bring the issues out into the open once before and composed a clear, concise and specific letter detailing how I feel, why, and what I would like to see happen instead. He responded and we discussed it and he basically said that that's how he is and nothing is going to change so adapt or leave. And so I adapted but with growing frustration. After this past December though, I can't continue this way. I need a different kind of therapeutic relationship.

~~~REWIND +/- 15 YEARS~~~

At 17 years old, I became so depressed that I refused to get out of bed half the time and became impossible to deal with. I was suicidal and self-harming (though no one saw that at the time) and having a lot of problems. The Mother dragged me to a shrink. After an extensive interview with him, he concluded that I had depression issues but so did my mother. He asked her about getting treatment for herself. The Mother freaked out and declared the man incompetent and evil and stormed out, dragging me behind her. She ranted for days about how dare he blame my problems on her. My problems were my fault, not hers; I was the problem, not her.

That shrink happened to be the Kids-Shrink.

~~~FLASH FORWARD TO PRESENT~~~

I was nervous about seeing the Kids-Shrink. He seems to have a high opinion of me both as a person (we share book recommendations) and as a parent (based on the degree to which he includes me in the decision-making process with them). I was afraid that once he saw my symptom list, he would write me off as incapable of making those decisions. Of maybe accuse me of faking and exaggerating because that's not how I present when I am with them.

I was also afraid of what he would say. Would he take one look at the cutting and suicidal behaviors and declare me hopeless? Would he decide that the Med-Shrink si doing just fine and that my expectations are unrealistic? Would he tell me I just need to try harder? Would he say he knows how to make it poof-all-better and I'd get my expectations too high only to crash? Or could he make me poof-all-better and I'd find out that I really am just lazy and selfish and spoiled and there is no hope for me?

The difference between what I expected (or rather feared) and what happened spans oceans. He reviewed the paperwork I turned in and asked a few questions. He had me fill out an assessment on attention symptoms, which made me feel like someone had crawled into my head. I told him that the Med-Shrink had told me it's not possible to have ADD if there are any other diagnoses present. He reassured me that isn't the case (Kid-1 being a perfect example) and that there are very clear attention difficulties here that, given that they have been lifelong, point definitively to ADD/ADHD.

He then said that my symptom cluster profile speaks directly to PTSD and asked if I had a past history of trauma. I cannot tell you how much I despise that question. I generally nod and hope it will blow over but I know it won't - it can't - and they will then want to know what and when and who and I can never get the words to come out of my mouth and I'm lucky if I can struggle through staying present long enough to present enough information for them to get the idea. He did get the idea, though, and made his notes and then dropped it.

He asked about what meds I'm on and what they are doing for me. I couldn't really vouch for the efficacy of the Depakote or even the Wellbutrin because I haven't seen a difference with the Depakote and I've been on the Wellbutrin so long I don't know if it's helping or not. I've had plenty of rough spots despite being on the Wellbutrin but, like the VNS, I may not know if it is helping or not until I go off of it and see what happens. I do find the Seroquel helpful in a way I can back up with concrete experience. I feel the same about the Xanax, though I remain cautious about that and want it monitored closely.

When all was said and done, his (technically second) opinion consisted of the following diagnoses: PTSD, ADD, Mood Order NOS. He recommended some changes in my meds (namely stopping the Wellbutrin and the Depakote and adding Concerta). He said he is really glad I am seeing The Shrink as he thinks he does a great job. And he has hope for me...

Absolution Via Ritualized Symbology

After an in-depth discussion with The Shrink this morning about the potential cause of my irrational and extreme reaction to Communion at church last Sunday, he offered some possibilities as to why it happened. Far from the potential that something happened long ago to trigger this fear, we explored what thoughts and feelings I experienced on Sunday. (How very CBT - and quite effective in this case.) He asked how I see Communion and what I thought about while watching it. We discussed my views as opposed to the traditional views taught by the church. We reached a few potential answers for what triggered the fear response and I feel much more comfortable now. As is my norm, after I left I continued to think and churn it over in my mind, taking what he said and extending it out to see where it goes.

At this point, I think I freaked out for a couple of reasons. Communion represents one of the fundamental parts of Christianity that I can't get behind - the worshiping of Jesus the Man above or equal to God the Creator. The very concept of eating his flesh and drinking his blood revolts me both on a surface level and on a theological level. Aside from the cannibalism aspect, it seems to be a very direct manifestation of the worshiping of Jesus rather than Christ.

So it represents a threat to my belief system. I have been trained to do as those around me are doing and keep my counsel to myself. I know what I believe and what I think and what I feel but I will often set those aside in order to comply with instructions or avoid notice or criticism. The expectation at that point was to participate in Communion ritual which goes against the grain of what I believe in my heart. Even though participation isn't mandatory and no one was condemning me for not going up there, I felt the pressure to conform and to not rock the boat and to just do what was expected of me regardless of my belief.

In addition to threatening my spiritual belief system and challenging my ability to act on my beliefs rather than conforming, the very process of Communion involves going up in front of the church and speaking directly to a pastor who would look at me and speak to me and potentially judge me. I would stand out as different, inferior. After all, what God-fearing Christian isn't eligible to take Communion? (sarcasm intended)

The Shrink suggested the reason Communion in particular triggered me so badly is because the whole thing is about absolution of sins. Apparently by going symbolic cannibal, Jesus takes away your sins and all is happy-happy again. He suggested that the concept is diametrically opposed to my belief system. I just don't think it works that way. You do the crime, you do the time. In order to receive absolution, you have to acknowledge you screwed up, apologize for it, make amends if possible, learn from it and be willing to let it go. It has nothing to do with eating crackers and drinking grape juice. If you did horrible things, accepting Jesus shouldn't be enough to "fix it". There has to be some aspect of reparations. Not only is that completely against my spiritual beliefs, the concept is against my mindset.

I have done horrible things and made horrible choices and hurt people in horrible ways. I can't conceive of a possibility where eating crackers and drinking grape juice can make all that not matter any more. And man can suddenly say Poof! Your sins are forgiven. Only the people who committed the sins and the people harmed by them can grant forgiveness. So, he's right that I disagree on the same level that I constantly run into - forgiveness of myself - but I don't think it applies to the Communion situation because I didn't know that was the purpose of Communion. I thought it was a reaffirmation of dedicating to Jesus the Man.

Mood: analytical
Appropriate Song: Scared by Three Days Grace

Reality Check, Anyone?

I know that December was bad. I have no idea how bad it was. I wasn't there. I curled up in that place inside my head that I have been craving for years and I stayed there for a month. I broke. I lost it and I crumbled and I drowned. I saw it coming but no one believed me. They were too busy expressing confidence that I could do it to hear that I wasn't being paranoid. The official story is the toxic combination of Ambien and Xanax. The Med-Shrink didn't buy it but then he thinks he can do no wrong so the concept of him giving me meds that nearly destroyed me is out of his personal reality. When pushed against the walls of our own belief system, we will create our own reality that may or may not match up to other people's. Regardless of why, I broke and I drowned and I hurt people.

BFF made a remark tonight. I don't even remember what we were talking about but she made an off-hand remark about me being so totally gone in December and that I must not be reading her blog any more or there would have been dialog about it. She's right - I stopped reading her blog. (I've stopped 90% of my online activities - I just don't have the strength for them.) But it got me to wondering what she had said and if maybe she had more pieces to the puzzle I have been trying to piece together of what happened. So I went back and I read her blog. I read all of December and much of January.

Apparently, the first time I was committed in December, when it was involuntary but very brief, they made the decision to do it, not the hospital. She said she hoped I would understand one day. Whatever - there is no emotional content to that knowledge - I don't remember it so it doesn't feel like betrayal. It just surprised me. I had been given to believe that the hospital, with the input from The Shrink and the Med-Shrink, made the decision. From what I understand, pulling out the IV and unwrapping my sliced up arm didn't help my cause, nor did trying to walk home without getting dressed.

One thing I didn't know at all and that has me surprised and, truth be told, quite hurt, is that the day of the Family Feud (huge drama over whether I could go to the airport to pick up Hubby or not - got very ugly), that day she felt I was lying at one point or another. It seems I was totally incoherent for hours and then cleared up and seemed fine. She thought - and maybe still does for all I know - that I was faking it at one time or the other. Of everyone, of all the people who know me, I never expected her to accuse me of faking this stuff. The woman I thought was my staunch ally apparently believes I am the type of person to make up psychotic breakdowns. Regardless of whether she has since changed her mind or not, that is going to take some time to process. Something has changed right there, because of that, that I'm not sure can be put back together.

Aside from that, I am appalled at her ability to see things only from her perspective. No, not really appalled because this is not something new. I have occasionally wondered if she has some low lever Asperger's going on but I am fairly confident it is just because of her screwed up past. Everyone is a product of their experiences and hers have taught her to look out for number one without noticing anything else that doesn't directly impact her perception of the world and herself.

She is extremely resentful of the pressure placed on her when I fell apart. She had to cook and clean and take care of things. She couldn't leave Kid-5 with me whenever she wanted to so that she could go study or write or play her online video game. She had to deal with my kids fighting and not helping around the house. I wasn't there to gossip with or edit her stories. I couldn't be there to take care of her every need so that she could be free to pursue her own agenda. I inconvenienced her and put stress on her and she had basically decided she would be better off moving to New Hampshire where Kid-5's grandparents are. I guess the price of room and board and luxuries got to be too high. Kid-3 got the stomach flu while I was in the hospital and she felt so put upon unfairly and ill-used.

I don't ask her for much. In fact, I don't ask her for hardly anything. I don't expect her to cook or clean or babysit. I don't take any money from her and the past few weeks have been giving her everything that I have got and then some. I do anything she asks me to do, without question. (Not always without complaint - she has the habit of scheduling things over top of my schedule and then saying I never told her about it. I get cranky about that and make it clear that it is a pain in the ass to cover it.)

And I don't keep a tally sheet in my head. I have no idea how often I watch Kid-5. I have no idea how much money I've given her since we've been back in the house. I have no idea how many hours we've spent editing stories that I didn't like in the first place. It doesn't matter to me. I don't expect her to keep everything in balance. I don't do a tit for tat situation. I give her everything I am able to give because I want to, because I can, because she needs it, because I love her. I do everything in my power to protect her just as fiercely as if we shared blood.

Normally I don't resent it. It makes me feel good to be in a position that I can help. And I try to meet her where she's at and not expect more than she is capable or willing to give. I don't plan on her being home when she says she will. I try to make sure I have a backup planned if I've asked her to pick up or drop off the kids because I know that if something comes up in her world, she will drop mine to do it. I know this so I plan for it. I know she doesn't keep commitments, she has no respect for other people's time, and never feels honor-bound by a contract or commitment. I know that she doesn't understand social cues and probably never will and I don't let that bother me because that's just her. And I accept her where she at, no matter where that is.

But reading her posts from when I was drowning and listening to her talking about setting boundaries... I am really fighting that resentment. Because I don't expect her to keep things even. I don't expect her to change her ways to suit me. I don't make offers that I am not happy with giving. But I do expect her to know when it is a big deal and to act appropriately. I don't expect her to cook and clean and babysit, but I guess I expected her to realize that in any other situation, that would be expected to some degree - I expected gratitude not attitude. I don't expect her to do things but I don't think she has the right to get mad at me me if they then don't get done. And I keep holding on to the unrealistic expectation that she will apologize in accordance with social norms when she inconveniences someone, regardless of whose "fault" it is.

She is so wrapped up in her own world. Everything that bothered her about December, about me in December, was because of what it was costing her. She wasn't worried about me because of the pain I was in, she was worried about me because the pain I was in meant she couldn't have or do some of the things she wanted and expected. She wasn't worried about where in my head I had gone that resulted in me not being coherent at all, she was worried about who was going to babysit Kid-5 so she could study for her test and not have to clean the house. She wasn't worried about the impact that my state would have on my kids, just that she had to take care of them for me.

I know that she cares about me. She is my BFF and my life-sister (as opposed to blood-sister). She enjoys the things we do together and she appreciates the things we do for each other. It just frustrates me that she sees everything only from the POV of "what will this do for me" instead of "what can we do for each other". And of course, I can't help thinking that Jung would probably say that this bothers me because I am the same way - good old Shadow concept - and that makes me feel horribly shameful for being frustrated at all.

How often do I say (well, think) that if a person doesn't like something, they should do something about it? Whether that something is to address the issue and get it changed, or adapt their expectations, or walk away... they need to do something or they have no right to continue to complain about it. So this is me, trying to get my head around the fact that BFF's world does not extend beyond how it immediately affects her. This is not a new concept, not a new state of being for her or towards me. I guess I just keep having it reinforced in a more direct way than before. Her therapy reinforces these concepts - that it is all about her - and living with her makes it more immediate and intimate.

So now I need to shit or get off the pot - adapt my expectations or do something to change the situation. And right now I am too hurt, too tired, and too scared to change the circumstances so I am in the process of reprogramming my expectations. I have taken her off my list of people that don't judge me. (It is down to 3 people now.) I have made mental notes to stop expecting any level of assistance from her that doesn't come with resentment. I am reworking my concept of where she fits into our household since she doesn't want to be part of the family. (Apparently all she wants is room and board and luxuries.)

She is still my BFF. She is still my biggest supporter of my short story writing and my most accessible friend to talk to about writing or some emotional stuff. (So long as it doesn't involve my mother or Hubby or the kids or anything that bothers her because she can't listen and let me vent, she just gets angry at them for it.) And above all, she is doing her best in the only ways she knows how.

Mood: shocked and hurt
Appropriate Song: Heaven Forbid by The Fray for the BFF and Fake It by Seether for me

Irrational Fear

I am a "Why" person. Everything that happens around me, inside me, to me or because of me... I want to know why. Why do people try to assume a baby is saying a word when they are babbling? (Because humans instinctively look for patterns in things around them.) Why is PersonA so angry at PersonB over what seems to be something so small? (Because PersonaA sees it as a symptom of a larger issue, one that is a pet peeve.)

Understanding why people do what they do helps me cope with those things that are less than pleasant. Why did MurdererX kill VictimY? Maybe I'll never know for sure the answer to that but I have logical possibilities: maybe they got into a fight while drunk. Maybe one was trying to defend themselves and things got violent. Maybe MurdererX has issues with uncontrolled rage. Maybe MurdererX is a sociopath and has no moral barometer. I may never know, but I understand the possibilities. And it doesn't make it okay, not by a long shot, but it makes it a little more logical to me, it makes more sense.

Then there are the things for which I cannot answer the question, "Why did this happen?" Those things bother me. There is a spectrum of bothered involved, usually related to how strongly the resulting action made me feel.

There was a man who walked into a daycare with which he had no association and started stabbing everyone with the intent to kill. He killed two infants and one of the workers and put 12 other people in the hospital. Then he left and rode away on his bicycle. I can't make sense of this. I can only assume he was delusional in some extreme manner but why that place? Why those people? It makes no sense and it bothers me. It doesn't bother me to the point of disrupting my daily functioning (like the Andrea Yates thing did, where I still can't give a bath without a panic attack) but when I think of the incident, I feel agitated.

There was a guy whose car was stopped on a train track when the train came. It hit and killed him. As near as they can figure, there was no reason for him to be there. There was no traffic blocking him, the warning lights were perfectly functional and he had plenty of time to leave the vehicle if something was wrong with it. (They can't be sure because they squished the car, but if I remember correctly, they do not believe anything was wrong with the car.) I don't understand why this happened. Was he trying to kill himself? If so, he succeeded, though I can't help but wonder if he considered the aftermath that the train's engineer will have to deal with for the rest of his life. He feels like he killed someone, despite it not being his fault in any way, shape or form. I don't get it and that bothers me, but I didn't even remember it until I was trying to come up with examples for this post so it obviously isn't bothering me that much.

But some things do bother me and they bother me a lot...

We went to church again Sunday, as planned. The sermon was okay. It was about God giving us multiple chances to follow Him. It was based on the Bible stuff where Peter and Andrew and I don't remember who else were fishing and Jesus said to come be fishers of men and they did, for a while, but went back to fishing and Jesus came to them again and asked them to follow him and they did and became disciples. Good concept - I like the idea of a God who keeps presenting opportunities until you take one. Reminds me a little of the Three Rowboats and a Helicopter but that's for another tale, uh, sermon, or whatever. So, no major issues there. Still confused about the whole God/Jesus distinction but whatever. I'll work through it.

Then they announced it was time for Communion. And I panicked. Flat out, eyes like a deer in the headlights, looking for a way to get out of the building, can't breathe, can't think, can't talk kind of panic. Hubby talked me through it calmly, carefully, gently. He held my hand while I tried to break his fingers from holding so tight. He reminded me to breathe and kept telling me it was okay and that we didn't have to go up there or anything, just stay in our seats. But I was terrified. Even the word Communion makes my stomach turn over and my heart speed up, gives me that buzzy feeling in the back of my head.

This bothers me. A LOT. Because I have absolutely no reason to be afraid of Communion. I've never taken it in my life. The church I grew up in didn't do it. And I had good experiences with the church I grew up in so it isn't even a matter of guilt by association. I absolutely cannot pinpoint where that blind terror is coming from.

I never went to another church regularly. I mean, I went to my cousin's church during the couple weeks in the summer when I stayed there but I have absolutely no memory of that. No memory to the point that when I went to that church for my Uncle's memorial service, despite it being the same church building that it has been for 50+ years, it didn't even look familiar to me.

So it's not from a past church experience. What it is from? Why does the thought of having to participate in that activity, or be present while others do, scare me to an incapacitating degree? I can't answer these questions and I don't even have any theories. Plus, it directly involves me. And it generated a drastic (practically melodramatic) reaction in me. So it is on the high side of that spectrum.

There has to be a foundation for it - but what is it? Why did I freak out? Why am I extremely nervous and agitated just writing this, with my fingers shaking and my breath coming too shallow and too fast? And yet I can't come up with anything. It gives every appearance of being a totally irrational fear.

Snapshot in Time (Symptom Questionnaire)

I am working on changing psychiatrists. To that end, I have scheduled an appointment for a "second opinion" with the Kids' Shrink. When I did, he gave me this huge list of symptoms to fill out. There are a bazillion statements and I was supposed to put a + by the ones that apply to me, cross out the ones that don't apply to me, put a ++ by the ones that describe me perfectly and make any comments I felt appropriate. It took me close to three hours to complete the questionnaire. It occurred to me that this questionnaire provides a detailed look at where I am at psychologically; it's a snapshot in time. I think it might be helpful for me to look at these things as I try to create my road map for becoming more emotionally healthy. (Not to mention just plain fascinating to read and dissect!) I'm going to put it up here so I don't lose it.

WARNING: THIS IS REALLY REALLY REALLY long and I don't expect anyone to read the whole thing. I just want a record of it and I think I can learn a lot about myself at this moment in time from it.

Here are my responses exactly how I put them down:
_______________

Mood:

+   I feel sad.
      I cry easily. Not in front of others but often when I am alone
+   I lack energy
+   I feel slowed down.
++I feel guilty like I have done something wrong
+   I feel hopeless about the future
++I think a lot about death and dying
      Life is not worth living Mine isn't but my kids' is
+   I feel emotionally numb
---------> the one above this and below this I put a bracket to tie them together with the comment I swing between these
+   I am very emotional
      I feel irritable and short-tempered no more often than anyone else
      My temper gets out of control almost never
+   My mood changes for no reason doesn't everyone's?
      I have mood swings without reason
+   I get upset easily
      Sometimes I feel more happy than normal
      Sometimes I feel on top of the world
+   I worry too much
+   I'm afraid of leaving home I do anyways
      I am afraid of being alone with 8 people in this house, I barely remember "alone"
      I am afraid of sleeping alone no more or less than anything else
+   I have panic attacks
+   Sometimes I feel so scared as if I will go crazy or die
      Sometimes I feel so scared as if I am having a heart attack I have learned these aren't heart attacks
+   My heart beats too fast during panic attacks
++I am afraid of things/places/situations that most people handle fine
++I am very shy
++I am afraid to speak in front of strangers
++I am very self-conscious

Speech:

      I talk too much
      I talk very little
      My thoughts do not make sense they make sense to me!
      I stutter
      My speech is odd and unusual

Thought Content:

++I think I am worthless
++I feel inferior to others
      I think I am important and special (I used four lines to cross this one out)
      I think that people are watching me
+   I think that people are talking about me
      I do not easily trust others complicated to explain this one. i give everyone the benefit of the doubt on their own behalves but still assume they think ill of me and/or mean me harm
      I think this world is full of trickery
++People just do not understand me
++I think a lot about my past abuse and bad memories
+   I hear voices that other people don't hear
+   I see things that other people don't see
++I think bad thoughts
+   I cannot get bad thoughts out of my mind
      I worry about getting a serious illness
+   I have many aches and pain
      I have many things wrong with the body define "many"?
      I think my face does not look right
++I think I am ugly
+   I think about being overweight a lot define "a lot"?
+   Things feel unreal
      I feel unreal, as if I am in a dream not all the time
++I lose periods of time of which I have no memory
++I feel unsure of myself
+   I have no clear plans for the future

Behavior:

      I do the same activities over and over again only because we have scheduled activities
      I have my routines and rituals only what it takes to keep a household of 8 running
      I fidget a lot
+   I am unable to sit quietlyi have to be doing something
+   I am often on the go see comment about having 8 people in the household
      I am impatient no more than anyone else
      I have trouble waiting for turns
      I interrupt others
++I get into other people's business
      I love fighting (I used four lines to cross this out) I HATE IT!
      I bully others
+   I am cruel to people I don't mean to be but I still end up hurting their feelings! :-(
      I am cruel to animals
      I destroy property in anger
      I have been in trouble with the law
      I steal
      I lie a lot (I used two lines to cross this out)
      I break rules a lot
++I keep making the same mistakes again and again
      I do not like people telling me what to do
++I just cannot make decisions

Tics and Obsessions:

      I make noises
      I have muscle twitches
      I miss school more than average N/A
+   I miss work a lot on SSDI so, definition, yes
      I check things over and over
      I wash my hands over and over
+   I count over and over as an anxiety coping device
      I hoard things
      I find it hard to throw things away

Focus and Persistence and Learning:

++I find it hard to stick to things
+   I find it hard to be a self-starter
++I make careless mistakes
+   I have a hard time focusing on boring things
      I don't listen when spoken to
++I leave tasks and chores incomplete
++I start many things and leave them incomplete
++I have a hard time getting organized
++I lose things
+   I get easily distracted by my surroundings
+   I am forgetful
+   I am unable to stay awake and alert more than average but not currently to the point of being incapacitated
+   I have a hard time focusing
      I am accident prone
      I am clumsy
+   I am not well coordinated
      I have problems learning in school
      I am unable to read well
      I am unable to write well
      I have problems dealing with Math

Relations and Adaptation:

+   I cut myself
+   I used to cut myself but not any more this is the goal! :-)
+   I burn myself also past tense
      I have a hard time getting along with my family members
      I have a hard time getting along with others at school N/A
      I have a hard time getting along with others at workN/A
?   I am very self-absorbed probably? maybe? I don't know...
      I am unable to have fun with other people people make me very nervous. if I can get past that, I am able to have fun
      I am unable to connect emotionally with others
      I blame others for my mistakes
      I hold grudges only against myself
      I argue with others
      I hate being bossed around
      I do not like people in authority
      I do not like to be told what to do
?   I manipulate others to get my way
      I am not sensitive to the needs of others
      I am jealous/envious of people better off than me no more than anyone else
++I am very upset by criticism. I feel attacked
      People find me too controlling
      People annoy me a lot
      I like taking care of details
      I like things done just right
+   It is hard for me to find help in the community mostly because I have trouble asking for it
      I do not feel close to other people
      I often ignore bathing/showering/my personal appearance define "often"? when my depression is at its worst, I don't care enough or have enough energy to do anything about it

Eating and Sleeping:

      I do not enjoy eating these days
+   I eat more than I should
      Sometimes I eat a lot of food in one sitting "a lot" as in too much, not as in binging
      I make myself throw
      I sometimes take several laxative pills close together
++I feel too fat
      I use laxitaves daily
      I sometimes eat things others do not consider food
      I have lost weight I did for a while - almost 25 lbs
+   I have gained weight
      Over my life, my weight has gone up and down a lot
++I have a hard time getting to sleep
++I wake up a lot during the night
+   I wake up tired and unrefreshed
+   I feel fatigued during the days
+   I feel sleepy during the day
+   I have nightmares
      I do not need much sleep
      I walk at night and do not remember it the next day
      I talk at night and do not remember it the next day
      I eat at night and do not remember it the next day
      I drive at night and do not remember it the next day
      I wet the bed at night
      I soil the clothes

Substance Abuse and Additions:

      I smoke cigarettes
      I used to smoke cigarettes but do not anymore
      I chew tobacco
      I used to chew tobacco but do not anymore
      I used to drink to excess but not anymore
+   I sometimes feel guilty about my drinking
      I have felt that I need to cut down my drinking
      I get annoyed by people telling me that I need to cut down my drinking no one tells me that
      Sometimes I need a drink of alcohol to get around in the morning
      I smoke marijuana
      I used to smoke marijuana but I do not any more
      I use cocaine/meth/crank
      I used cocaine/meth/crank but I do not any more
      I abuse other drugs or prescriptions
      I have abused other drugs or prescriptions in the past but I do not any more
      I have problems with withdrawal from drugs or alcohol
      I have had problems with withdrawal from drugs or alcohol in the past
      I huff gas/markers
      I used to use gas/markers but do not any more

Sex: (you would not believe how hard it was for me to type this section! *sigh*)

+   My sexual desire is less than normal
      My sexual desire is more than normal
+   I have difficulty in achieving orgasm
      (guy question i'm not going to type)
      I engage in sexual behavior that many people see as abnormal

Primary Work/School/Social Performance:

+   I enjoy my work (or school) when I am well
      I enjoy my work (or school) these days
      I perform well at my work (or school) when I am well
      I perform well at my work (or school) these days
+   I am unable to attend work (or school)
++I am on long term disability
      I have many friends

Childhood

      I was physically abused as a child
+   I was sexually abused as a child
      I was emotionally abused as a child currently under debate
      My basic needs were not met as a child
      I saw a lot of fighting in my home as a child only fights involving me but define "a lot"
++I could never do well enough for my parentsmother growing up
+   I was loved as a child
+   I had a hard time growing up
+   I ran away from home but I was returned home by the cops a few hours later

The God That Is Jensen Ackles - MBV3D

We saw My Bloody Valentine 3D tonight, Hubby and I did. As far as movie content it was extremely predictable. Typical slasher movie complete with standard cliches and only very minor plot twists.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~SPOILERS~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The most notable thing about this movie is that he turns out to be the bad guy at the end. In fact, he turns out to be a psychotic bad guy who didn't even know he was the bad guy. And Jensen does such a fabulous job of it!

Now bear in mind that I practically worship this man both as an actor and as a guy. Not only is he so gorgeous that I melt when I watch him, he is a great actor and every evidence I've ever seen or dug up (and I have done a bit of digging) indicates he's just a really great guy.

So... Tom (his character) in this movie isn't Dean. He isn't Jake. He isn't Alec. He is Tom. I was very impressed. There are some familiar facial expressions and body language but the entire air of the character is vastly diffferent from any other character I've seen him play. And I've seen all of them except the brief stint in the Sweet Valley High show (way before my time of cyber-stalking him).

Then came the end, and we saw Tom become Harry and KA-POW! I am now furthe rin love than before. Jensen pulls off this angry, evil, unrepenting, totally senseless, madman murderer with a ferocity that made the screen boil and the hairs on my arm stand up. There was none of his other characters there either - not even Pissed-Off Dean or Murder-Machine Alec.

I think I am going to swoon now. Maybe if I'm lucky I will dream of him......



This is Alec from Dark Angel when he lost his temper. The closest I could find to a different character that is like Tom when he became Harry. And they aren't the same.

Random Thoughts (Deep Thoughts Edition)

Baby turns 2 years old in a month. Baby isn't such a baby any more. To that end, I am changing her "name" from Baby to Kid-5. Since she lives here, she may as well be one of mine and even when they move out (why is "if" sticking in my head?) she will still be a huge part of our lives. In keeping with that, Baby-Mommy's "name" will be changing to BFF.

I seem to have slept off that anger that gripped me so tightly since last weekend. I got up this morning not quite as irritable and kept the idea of biting my tongue in the front of my thoughts. I got the kids off to school and I came home and went back to bed. I couldn't sleep because the phone kept ringing and the sun was too bright and blah blah blah... But I stayed under the covers and I hid from the world. I let my thoughts roam where they would and now, 12 hours later, I can't even remember what all I mulled over. At noon BFF called me and indicated with limited (though attempted) subtlety that I should get up. Twenty minutes later, I did. And when I did, the anger had melted away. I didn't have to suppress it or bite my tongue or anything - it just wasn't being triggered. YAY FOR SLEEP!

Things to ponder:

Why do I base so much of what I do on what other people want me to do, regardless of whether or not I want or need to do it? (I have been helping BFF edit poetry all day. Ick.)

Why do I not do things I know I need to do? (From household chores to personal goals.)

I just filled out this extensive symptom questionnaire for the new Med-Shrink. There's a LOT of information there. I think I am going to share it here, see if I can make some heads or tails of it, save a snapshot of where I am at right now, and use it to draw up the road map that I have to do without The Shrink's guidance. Personally, it fascinates me - all the information it contains in one concise(-ish) little packet.

I think everyone bases their world-view on a question (or, for some people, more than one). I am a "why" person. I want to know why things work, why people think and do what they do, why things are the way they are. It was a bit of a surprise to realize that most people don't think like this, even people that I thought would. I wonder what I can do with this knowledge...

Where is my life going? I live my life for my kids right now. Everything I do from the details (like what to buy at the store) to the big picture (like bothering to stay alive at all) - it's for my kids. Do I want to change that? Is it possible? Why? How?

MOOD: tired but pensive
PERFECT SONG: Heaven Forbid (The Fray)

Courage Doesn't Determine Outcome

Having the balls to ask for what I want has been a hot topic in my head lately. With my current angry mood, requests tend to come out as criticisms or sarcasm or snipping or otherwise not an effective means of communication. So I have to mull something over for quite some time to be able to phrase it appropriately and in a tone of voice that isn't an attack.

Well, I've been thinking for quite some time that I am rather jealous of the format of Baby-Mommy's therapy. I totally love The Shrink and would follow him to the ends of the earth but I often wish he (make that WE) were a little bit more linear and consistent. I like predictability and having a plan. I want the flexibility to ditch the plan as needed but I do want to have a plan. It's so easy for me to wander or drift away from (or flat out dodge) the things I need to be addressing. I end up having coffeehouse sessions. (The kind where we sit around and rehash events but don't make any progress in any direction - nice but not useful in the big picture.)

I want to make myself tackle things in a more direct and aggressive manner. But I let fear hold me back and instead of addressing whatever issue I need to work on, I freak and bail. And The Shrink doesn't hold me to it. He's very Carl Rogers about the whole thing and just goes where I'm at. He is very good at relating wherever I'm at to my bigger picture problems but he doesn't guide or direct.

So I thought, if I could just muster the nerve to say something about it, that maybe he do a little more of that. I've been telling myself this for weeks and never gotten the nerve to actually do it. So, yesterday I sucked it up and I made myself do it. I asked for what I wanted, relatively directly and without the need for him to guess or mind-read to figure out what I was saying/wanting/needing.

YAY ME!

Except............ he shot me down. Crash and burn - no survivors. Honestly, I don't remember exactly what he said. The gist of it is that we do have plans and goals and we are working towards them but it's not his style to be as formal as Baby-Mommy's therapy is. What wasn't said but is now blatantly obvious is that if I want structure, I have to provide it, if I want more aggressive tactics, I have to initiate them, and if I want a road map, I have to draw it.

So I tried to ask for what I want, I managed to keep my nerve up, and I still got shot down. At least it was in a safe atmosphere. He shot me down without me feeling attacked or belittled and with minimal feelings of being a complete and total idiot asking for unreasonable things. I'm still disappointed and I still feel stupid and like I asked for something I shouldn't have, but it's not like other situations I have been in where a "no" answer was a much more traumatic experience.

*big sigh*

That's Not Me!!

I love psychology and read voraciously anything to do with it. That includes a lot of psych blogs. One of my top favorites is ShrinkTalk.net. I highly recommend it for a good laugh with insights behind it.

In this post about the therapeudic effects of personal blogging, he interviews another blogger who delves extensively into her personal issues and has been for 10 years. I hadn't read her before and her blog didn't make me wanna rush right out and read all of her stuff, but what ended up in Dr. Rob's post hit so close to close to home that I promptly had an anxiety attack and struggled with nausea off and on the rest of the day.

It could have been me writing this part:

...I came from a decent family; had two loving parents who'd been raised in stable homes. My family was good folk. Hardworking folk. German and Irish immigrants mostly, with a little bit of Iroquois. My parents had been married 30 years and I had an extremely close relationship with my mother. I probably hadn't had an idyllic childhood, but that was my own fault, because there was something inherently wrong with me at my core, from birth, and that was the reason I was suffering. I was too stubborn, too sensitive, too selfish. Nothing particularly bad had ever happened to me; I was merely inferior to everyone on earth, and there really wasn't anything good about me. Because of this, I was eating disordered, in and out of controlling and abusive relationships with jerks, addicted to a handful of different substances, alcohol, pills, sex - anything that would put me out of myself, to be honest. Not to mention, I was at war with a depression that had gripped me since before puberty, the source of which was just...fate, I guessed. I was in a lot of pain, and I had tried to commit suicide twice the previous winter. Because I was bad at everything, I failed at both attempts, but I was pretty certain I wouldn't be alive much longer. I couldn't take the hurt because I was weak.

I use a totally different way of getting out of myself. Instead of drugs and sex and things, I dissociate, sometimes to the extreme. Other than that - this could be me, right down to the geneology!

This just... clicked. But then I read this paragraph:

Its difficult for people to understand how you can think you are a bad person when there is no evidence supporting that fact--I got straight A's and no detentions, and truly believed I was a bad kid. But you're brainwashed. Your ability to self assess is taken from you, and feelings are not allowed. No one can feel. If they did, they walk the fuck out, so it's declared selfishness to feel things. Moreover, the message is: you do not matter as a person, beyond the material, or your ability to sacrifice for the family, and so you further suppress feelings. Sit on them. That's a dangerous way to move through life, particularly if you're seeing things through as cracked a prism as mine.

And that's where I lost it. Because that is me all over the place. I truly believe I am a bad person and that I was an evil kid. And yet if I try to explain this to people, they don't get it, they never get it. I've never yet managed to successfully explain where this deep-seated confidence in that reality springs from but I know it is there.

But she felt that way too. And she had so many things similar in her life to what I had in mine. And she ended up screwing up her life in so many ways, as did I. But she came to the conclusion that it was her LIFE that was messed up, that it was her LIFE that was bad, her situation - not her. And she came through the other side and is starting to see herself as not a bad person and that maybe she wasn't a bad kid.

Honestly, that very concept terrifies me - that maybe it isn;t/wasn't me after all. Maybe I'm not bad and it was the circumstances that were bad. The conditioning is so strong from The Mother - she built it right in there that psychology, therapy in particular, is awful because it introduces the concept of "toxic parents" (her terms not mine) that assume the problems of the child are because of the parents. She used to say I was a perfect example of pop psychology bullshit (also her terms) because nothing in my life necessitated the way I behaved and the depression I fell into. It had nothing to do with her and yet they labeled her a toxic parent and how stupid and horrible that concept was and she would go on and on about it. It never occurred to me to dispute her because that would have put me right there with the infamous "them" which she railed against so strongly. It's built in to never question her role in my failings and always place it squarely on my being a bad person and fate choosing me randomly to assign "bad" status to.

But if she can walk away from the cult mentality and work towards a better life and self... and I saw so much of my own thoughts in her words... what does that say???

I'm Angry!

Okay, no I'm not really angry. I'm just irritated. By everything. Frequently. Ugh.

I don't like anger. I don't handle it very well. I don't know what to do with it. For the past week I have been biting people's heads off. It's like my filters are nonoperational. I'm probably no more snippy than anyone else who gets snippy but it has a bigger impact on people because it is not usually there. This constant irritability is very out of character for me.

My MO is to seek and destroy. I will find out what is getting me mad and eliminate it, either by thinking my way out of it, turning it onto myself, or tossing it over The Wall to make it not exist at all. I have been informed this not exactly the most healthy way of handling things but old habits die hard.

So I've been trying to figure out where the anger is coming from. To this end, I have been examining what types of things are irritating me.

The kids have just been driving me up the wall. They are constantly fighting with each other, physically and verbally. They are refusing to pull their own weight around the house. And the whining!! OMG - the whining is going to be the death of me!

Alright, from the POV of Jung and his immortal Shadow, that behavior in them is getting to me because I hear and feel the same desires and reactions inside my own head. I don't want to do the crap around here that needs to be done. I hate it like I hate very few other things. The very thought of cleaning makes me tired and irritable and whiny. And when people say things that bother me, I have the urge to lash out at them instead of blow it off. Everything in my head wants to be acting like they are. Thus when they do act that way, it bothers me intensely.

Other than the claustrophobic fighting with the kids, in the past couple of days, I find myself irritated by life in general. The past 6 months have been full of complications. And the more of them that pile up, the louder the cries of It's not fair! and Why me??? become. And then I start trying to answer those questions and the only answers I can come up with fill me with despair and - yup... more anger.

I keep thinking that life shouldn't be this difficult. It's like I have this assumption of entitlement. Life shouldn't be this difficult and it isn't fair that my life is so complicated. I want to give up. I want to throw my hands in the air, tell the world to stick it where the sun don't shine, and take my leave of absence from it. I won't. Because I can't destroy my kids. But I so completely want to. And being thwarted in that arena as well just builds the frustration.

Of course, realizing that I'm raging at the world and at life in general actually creates more friction in my mind. It's not like being angry at someone for something they did and being able to confront them and resolve the situation. Who am I going to confront? God? So I feel impotent. And I cannot stand feeling like I have no power. Even when I know I have handed my personal power over to someone else, I still feel like it is my power and I made the choice to hand it over. But when I'm pissed at life and the random bullshit that it has been dishing out lately - I have no control over that. There is no power to take back here.

And so the anger builds, the irritation bubbles to the surface and I have been getting snippish and having to bite my tongue. Instead of turning the situation around until I can manipulate it, I am sitting on it. It's like riding a roller coaster - up and down and too fast and too jarring. It makes my stomach feel gooey and while I'm not scared, I'm not having the "fun" I was assured I would experience.

Anger is NOT cool. It's NOT okay. I DON'T like it and I want it to go away.......

Catching Up (a post in brief)

I have other things I want to talk about. But I also think I need to give a brief update to catch anyone (including me) up to speed that may need it. So this is going to be quick and without analysis. Perhaps I will go into more detail later, perhaps not.

- I am home from the hospital. In fact, they only kept me 7 days. The doctor got me back to a semi-stable place and then sent me home. The fairies have gone. The memory is back. As near as I can tell, the entire fiasco can be boiled down to a 2 drug interaction. NOTE TO SELF: DO NOT MIX XANAX AND AMBIEN!

- We are back home. We had that horrific ice storm the week before Christmas. It knocked out our power which in turn meant we had no heat. We were staying at The Mother's - 10 people crammed into a house that is used to running for 2. Then a pipe froze in our heating and flooded the living room. And I lost my mind. And Hubby was gone with the railroad most of the time. We had Christmas at The Mother's and New Year's at The Mother's. Well, things are repaired and warm and everything and we are back in the house.

- Kid-1 still has not stabilized. His mood and attitude have spiked. We have had the police out twice to contain a rage and we are always butting heads with him. I am so far beyond frustrated that it isn't even funny. We have been back to the psychiatrist and tweaked his meds but we are not there yet. And not all of this is going to be fixed by meds - he needs an attitude adjustment.

- My cousin, or rather Hubby's cousin, had an accident. He raced motorcycles in the motocross thing. Well, he flipped over his bike and landed on his head. He is now comatose, on a respirator, and not sure what will happen next. His vitals are stable but there is still pressure on the brain and all sorts of complications. It's going to be a long road and I am praying both that he does wake up and that he won't be sorry he pulled through when he does wake up.

- Hubby got laid off. On the train they call it "put on furlough" but it means the same. They are expected to be called back anywhere from 6 months to close to 2 years. It all boils down to the economy. The trains are supposedly the last to feel it, but they are feeling it. How soon he gets called back will be determined by how quickly the economy bounces back.

- He has returned to his former job for now. Lucky for us they are having a rush and need more help than they have. He has only been taken back contract and we don't know about the number of hours they will give him or how predictable those hours will be. But at this point, at least there will be some income and something for him to do. We can try to fall back on unemployment if we need to but I don't think that will be sufficient - we were barely making it before. I have applied for the state's health care plan for the kids. I think it is too soon to apply because we have no idea how many hours he will be getting. But we shall see what we shall see.

I think that is all the major plot developments for now. There are some other big minor ones I didn't touch on, like my asthma spiking and the current status of Baby and Baby-Mommy. But I can go into those at some other time as necessary.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year

Does anyone know where I was during these times? I know I ended up at the BIL's once while the power was out. And I was inpatient at the psych ward for a couple days once. Currently we are living with my parents because the ice storm took out the power which took out the boiler which froze the heat pipes which flooded at least one room of our house. We have heat now but we aren't going home because Baby-Mommy has her BIG TEST sometime this week and can't watch all 5 kids and Hubby is in and out (more out than in) with the trains and I can't be left alone.

I keep forgetting everything. I don't remember people or places or things I've done. I have no memory of Christmas except the evidence left behind. They can't leave me alone because there is no telling what I may do, from going back to bed (leaving the 2 year old unattended) to thinking I haven't taken my meds and taking them again (and again and again...) Mostly I disappear into my head or into a book or into a book that lives in my head.

They are sending me to the hospital. I don't know exactly when. They have been making plans for who will cover what duties while I am gone - it's like eavesdropping on someone planning your funeral. I think we are waiting for insurance confirmation of which hospital is covered. Or maybe to see the doctor Monday. Or maybe to find a new doctor like we were talking about.

I'm very scared. The hospital takes away everything I treasure. I can't see my kids or my family. My freedom is gone. The things I like to do are forbidden. Most of those things are the only ways I know to calm myself down when I'm scared. I can't use MAC (my laptop) or BOB (my Nokia) or watch any of the television shows I like to watch. I hope to be able to take a book that I like to read but I have trouble concentrating when I'm upset. I can't have my writing notebooks and ink pens. I don't know about sketchbooks and pencils and erasers. No Dog-Dog or Fuzzy blanket to hide with. No music to calm down my head. They will even take away my wedding ring! At the same time, they will probably stop all of my meds and then get cranky with me when I totally fall apart.

I want to hide. I want to sleep. I want to go away so far into my head that no one ever finds me again. But they won't let me.