Double-Talk

I am a master of double-talk. I will be saying one thing while thinking/wishing/feeling something completely different. I went into this in detail in this post on lies. And every so often I find it necessary to purge myself of some of the things I don't say, like I did here. And, in fact, I started this post by repeating much of the same stuff I say every time I get this way. (I never lie but I'm not always answering the question you think you're asking, etc...) Then I caught myself and remembered I've written this before. So I deleted it. But I'm wondering: am I trying to convince other people this is true - or trying to convince myself?

At any rate, this time around, what I'm not saying to people is what I really want and/or need. The Shrink's question, "What do you need?" has really stuck in my mind and I find myself wondering just what it is that I do need.

My birthday is tomorrow and I am, as always, pretending otherwise. (It is also Kid-1's b-day so that makes it a little easier.) Still, people have been asking me what I want for my birthday. And I can think of a million things I want but have a nearly impossible time actually telling people what they are. Why? What's wrong with me? It's not like these things are embarrassing. I love smart-ass t-shirts (got one today that says 'I didn't say it was your fault - I said I'm blaming you!'). I have a list of about a dozen movies and tv shows that I want. I'm always up for new books and I'm not even really picky about what kinds. I want money to pay the fees to get a gym membership started (have to pay and enrollment fee plus 3 months in advance in order to pay by cash. bleh). I want bunkbeds for my boys to make switching their rooms work better. I love gift certificates to just about anywhere. See? These are not complicated or embarrassing or anything - but when push came to shove, I froze and couldn't think of a thing. I don't get it.

By far the biggest time I use double-talk is about my feelings. For someone who can identify other people's emotions as well or better than they can, I have a helluva time explaining my own. But I do have 'code words' that I use that are fairly consistent.

'How are you doing?' is an evil question and one that I almost never answer in a way that my words match my meaning. I have certain stock replies that I choose from and people who know me very well and who take the time and effort to listen can interpret.

(The thing is, this is mostly just a greeting for people and not a sincere question. If people really want to know, they inquire further. If not, they are not made uncomfortable by the blunt truth.)

So I will say 'So far, so good.' which means I'm down but not out. Or I will say 'Just peachy' which people think means happy and good when actually the peach imagery is all symbolism and actually means things are not going well at all. 'I've been better' is used when there is something visibly wrong but which I have no intention of talking about. 'Fine' actually stands for Fucked-up, Insecure, Neurotic (or Negative), and Emotional. This is basically a shut down - I hear you, I'm awful, leave me alone. If I am doing good - I say so, usually with 'surprisingly good' or 'today is a good day' or 'I'm a happy camper today' or something similar that is not double-talk at all.

I use double-talk answers like this with the full intention that I don't get questioned further about my meaning. The point is that I don't have to tell people when I'm hurting and at the same time am not putting them in the position of knowing more than they wanted. Hubby, my Guardian Angel, Baby-Mommy, the SIL, and my mother (when she chooses to) can interpret my 'codes' and can choose whether or not to pursue more details. Usually none of them do, with the exception of my Guardian Angel who seems to always take both the time and effort to find what exactly is going on and why. And it's good that people don't call me on this stuff...... but sometimes I wish they would.

A while back, Kid-1 and I got into a fight. He told me that I don't understand him, and can't understand him, because I don't care about him. We talked and I questioned him as to why he felt that way and at first, he resisted talking to me. But I persisted and got him talking and things actually turned out well. The thing is, when I first asked, he said he didn't want to talk about it... even though he did. He wanted to see if I cared enough to work for the answers. It was a test - and I passed. (This time.)

Now, I know very well that this is an unrealistic test to throw at someone. There is no reason to expect them to know that when you say you don't wanna talk about it, that you really do. People are not mind-readers nor should they have to be.

And yet I (usually sub-consciously) throw this at people all the time. I give a stock answer and see what they have to say about it. If they persist I give general responses, 'I'm just tired.' or 'Kids are driving me crazy.' or 'I have a headache.' are all second level replies that I give. Almost everyone stops at that point. And, again, this is the intention. I don't want to talk to them. I don't trust people with my emotions - hell I don't trust myself with my emotions. And yet...... for a lot of the people, if they keep digging, I will open up. And I respond very well to direct questions.

This evening, I was telling Baby-Mommy about 'What do you need?' and I told her that he asked me that while I was crying as part of the story. We discussed the merits of this very excellent phrasing and then she asked me why I was crying. This is classic dodge and weave territory. I told her I was just overwhelmed. And I expected her to stop and move on. But she didn't... She asked what I was overwhelmed about, did I have breakthrough or something. And then we were talking about the things that are overwhelming me and other things about therapy that I don't share with people (except here and to my Guardian Angel) without serious prodding.

She took the time and the effort to press until I answered. And I will respond to those repeated questions, it just usually takes asking 2 or 3 times if it's a touchy subject. Almost every time, it takes asking more than once for me to feel like the person actually wants to know and is not just being polite or mildly curious. If I truly don't want to talk about it, I will change the subject, repeatedly, getting more and more blatant every time I change it. Sometimes I have the balls to come right out and say 'I don't want to talk about it.' but I often don't because people feel hurt when I do that - like I am shutting them specifically out or that I don't trust them. But the majority of the time, I will respond if the person is willing/able/knows to repeat the inquiry.

But I know this is wrong!! Why do I throw unreasonable expectations at people?! Why can't I just trust people and answer the damned questions??? They can then learn not to ask the question if they don't want the answer.

I can tell you part of it... I used to scrapbook with a friend of mine. She can be a very harsh and judgemental person. (She has tons of redeeming qualities so don't think I don't like her or anything.) I always felt a little awkward around her, not knowing how to behave so that I wouldn't be the recipient of a sharp tongue behind my back like I have heard her do to others countless times. She is one of those people who has never experienced depression and just doesn't get it. She is firmly in the 'suck it up' category. At one point, she was telling me how much it annoyed her that her best friend always had some kind of drama going on, something physically wrong or emotionally tense or whatnot. And she said something to the effect of 'Why does she have to complain all of the time?' Whoa! If she says that about her best friend... what must she be saying about me?

That's when I created the stock responses and canned conversations. I am now always armed with a positive story to tell (usually about my kids) and the 'silver lining' to any clouds that are currently producing tornadoes in my inner world. I also make sure I have some slightly bad news stories to produce should the conversation take that turn - but nothing too bad, too deep, or too whiny. And everything else I stuff away from everyone.

The problem is that I have an all or nothing habit to this. I either can't get out all the crap I stuff to anyone without pressure or I'm so depressed that I can't think of a good thing to say and get annoyed when people try to point out good things. I hate black and white thinking! But sometimes it is so damned hard for me to see even the greys, let alone the rainbow spectrum...

So ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies.
But ask the right questions, you might be surprised.