Vision for a Peaceful Future

I have been seeing The Shrink for well over two and a half years. Sporadically throughout this time, he assigns 'homework' for me to work on during the week. In all that time, only once have I ever not done one of these assignments. It was very early on, probably within the first couple of months. The assignment was to come up with 'a vision for a peaceful future'. I didn't do it because I had no idea what a peaceful future would look like.

I recently found that paper with the assignment on it. I've come a very long way since then. But I still can't come up with a vision. I've been trying, I really have. But I have no idea. I don't know where I want to go. I've been living minute to minute, day to day, from one scheduled event to the next. Trying to imagine even ten years from now? I can't do it. What do I want to be when I grow up? No clue.

The Shrink, trying to help me walk through this, asked me what I want for my kids. The simple answer to that is that I want them to become happy, productive members of society. I don't have specific plans for them, like pigeon-holing them into jobs or whatever. I have general idea of a path that I think would get them there. I want them to go to college, meet a partner there, graduate college, get a job they enjoy, get married and have kids. But I am not so invested in that path that I would be disappointed in an alternative.

He then asked me where I would be in this scenario. And I blanked. I couldn't see myself there at all. So I backed up to see what I could imagine. I can see Kid-1 in high school. (of course that's only 2 years away.) I can see Kid-2 in high school. I can see Kid-3 in high school. But I can't see Kid-4 in high school. I can get my mental picture forward about 6 years, but not past it. Kid-1 in tech school. Kid-2 as a senior in high school. Kid-3 as a sophomore. Kid-4 in middle school. I can see that. But when I reach my mind out any further, there is nothing there.

When I first learned to mow the grass, I used to mow in anything but a straight line. I would watch the grass right in front of it so closely but I still mowed like a drunk in a snowstorm. My aunt taught me 'the secret' to mowing straight. She told me to keep half an eye on what's directly in front of me, but to pick a point way ahead of me to watch and walk towards it. It worked; I can now mow in a straight line.

I'm wondering if this is a metaphor for goal setting in life. We have to watch what's right in front us but in order to keep from wandering zig-zags, we need to keep an eye further on up the road. But I don't have a long-term goal. I have absolutely no idea. I don't even know how to go about finding a long range goal. The closest thing I have is to getting the kids raised and self-sufficient. That's the only thing keeping me alive but it is indeed keeping me alive so I'm going to hold on to it. I don't know where to find a long-term goal, or how to begin looking for and/or creating one.

It doesn't matter where you are, it doesn't matter where you go
If it's a million miles aways or just a mile up the road... (Who Says You Can't Go Home by Bon Jovi)