I Will Not Live in Fear

I wish you never told me
I wish I never knew
I wake up screaming
It’s all because of you
(Scared by Three Days Grace)

The Shrink is taking every opportunity to both state and imply that Hubby cannot be trusted alone with Baby-Mommy. He is harping on this to such an extreme as to change a totally different subject back to this. I cannot think about either of them without a white-hot stone weighing heavy in my stomach. I'm terrified of the possibility that The Shrink seems so certain of.

My heart, my head, and my instincts tell me that this is not a threat. I truly don't think Baby-Mommy would do that and I would sincerely like to believe that Hubby wouldn't repeat that mistake. The Shrink thinks their past histories separately make them vulnerable jointly. I'm not sure if I'm being naive, practicing wishful thinking, or if I have better insight into these two than The Shrink does. I just don't think it is the threat he is making it out to be. I swear it feels like he is the one catastrophizing and I am the one trying to stay more balanced and objective. Could there be some counter-transference going on here?

Then I realized something tonight as I was wishing I could go to bed and refusing to go because they are both still up. If Hubby is going to cheat on me, he will find a way whether I stay up or not. He is about to leave for 6 weeks during which he will be able to do anything he pleases. If something is going to happen, it is going to happen. My worrying about it non-stop is not going to change anything. My chaperoning them at all times may keep the two of them apart but it won't change the underlying issue.

I wish The Shrink had never told me. I wish I never knew it could be a possibility at all. I wake up screaming in my head from nightmares about them getting involved behind my back. And it's all because The Shrink thinks they would betray me like that.

But I don't want to live in fear. What I want is to go to bed. They both are still up. So it comes down to a choice... stay up and chaperone or have faith and go to bed. I fully intended to choose the latter, say screw it, and go to bed. But now that it comes down to it, and only the three of us are up... I can't do it.

I don't want to live this way. I don't want to exist in a state of perpetual suspicion and fear. I want to trust them. But The Shrink is so sure and, as he pointed out, he is almost never wrong about the big things in my life. When he weighs in, he is generally spot on.

So up I stay...