I am thinking happy thoughts

I'm thinking of sunshine and butterflies, not shadows and spiders. I'm thinking BFFs and gal pals, not long lost friends and ones that never were. I'm thinking how lucky I am to have such wonderful children, not about the damage a mother like me could be causing them. I am thinking about how much my husband loves me, not about how unhappy he is. I am thinking about what a great thing it is to be alive, not about how not to be. I am thinking of all the things I do right, not about all the things I do wrong. I am thinking about how free I am to live my life, not how few viable choices I actually have. I am thinking of Derek Shepard not Ellis Grey. I am thinking of being happy, safe and whole, not how to alter that.

I am thinking happy thoughts. Really.

Sometimes.

An Entry Full of Nothings

Random Thoughts:

Grey's Anatomy is back!! This season is going to rock! SERIOUSLY! I am so excited about it. Everyone got haircuts (especially Derek and George). Alex grew face fuzz - it suits him and Mark DIDN'T change (wouldn't have fit his character if he did.) And Derek and Meredith "broke up". WOW! Was gonna put in a youtube clip of them breaking up or of the "You're the girl from the bar?" scene but they aren't up yet... I'm not sure why I love GA so much. True, the guys are hot, but lots of shows have hot guys and I'm not obsessed with them.... Maybe they represent everything I wish I was. They have all that knowledge, they are on the brink of their independence, about to choose the rest of their lives. And their lives are complicated and don't always end happily but they show truth, the good and the bad and in the end, what is truth usually wins through. Plus, everyone has someone lusting after them and they are all beautiful and some of the lines just melt my heart. I'd give almost anything to have someone say things like that to me, not quoting GA, but sincerely meaning it. Grey's Anatomy represents all the potential of the world I wish I lived in... SERIOUSLY? SERIOUSLY!!

Grey's Anatomy last night is the first thing I've felt emotions about since Wednesday morning. And I still feel those emotions about it. But everything else is as emotionally useless as the ice cube experiment. This numb has been helpful. Lots of patience with the kids, running errands while sick as a dog didn't phase me, going back to the doctor for my burned arm (recheck) had the potential for the doc to see the "suspicious" cut on my forearm and I didn't mind.

OT: The nurse saw it, didn't comment, but asked me "Is there anything else you want to tell me?" And when I said no, she said nothing. So I don't think the doc saw it. If so, he said NOTHING about it. I like this doc. By the way, the burn is doing wonderful, better even that doc expected. He's very pleased with the progress, gave me new set of instructions to finish up its healing, checked my breathing (or lack thereof), gave me gunk for it and sent me on my way with a smile. This is a good thing. I don't need panic from him. But what does it say about him? Where are HIS boundaries? What would he have to see before he did something about it? I don't know but I don't want to find out either. *wink*

Other numb helped me stay calm (not even tempted to get pissy) with Baby-Mommy and, while it's been filed away for later examination, the things my mom said didn't overwhelm with that eternal guilt and shame that she radiates and I absorb. It didn't terrify me when Hubby was so "frustrated". And I was able to write the blog entry according to the guidelines of a "healthy" reaction. Numb is good... except I didn't feel the good stuff either. Hmmmm...

The ice cube experiment: hold an ice cube in the center of your palm and then close your hands around it tightly. How long can you hold it and what happens when you do? I would love SOOOOO much to know if anyone tries this, what the results are. (**************** AT ***** DOT com. If you don't ever want to hear back from me, that's fine - just mention it in your email with the experiment results. (I'm betting on NO email results. That's okay, I don't care...)

Music: right now, Josh Groban's You Are Loved (Don't Give Up) is sustaining me. My heart is so dark, it gives me momentary light. What I would give to have someone say that to me and mean it. Just hold me close in your arms, let me hear your heartbeat, the strength of your arms, hold me with the intention of making me feel safe (I can feel your intentions, you know) and not to rid yourself of guilt or set me up for a more intimate encounter. Listening to him singing so reassuring, so supportive, so hopeful... it can pull me away from that blackest pit of despair. I embedded a YouTube clip with that song a few posts back. I won't put it in again, but seriously (seriously?! seriously!) take a look at the lyrics and listen to the song.

In other news, Grey's Anatomy is back!! OMG OMG OMG! Oh wait, I already said that... *huge grin* Did I mention that Grey's Anatomy is back? Check out this music video. It has past scenes and season 4 premiere scenes and the lyrics rock!



Let's see... any other random thoughts? Nothing that I could say concisely. So I think I'll refrain completely...

Email for me

To My "Friend" Who Emailed Me:

I have to say I was surprised that someone actually took the time and effort to email me a comment. Kind of flattering in a way... Of course the content was not flattering but it was insightful. And it had an effect... I quit blogging for a few days. A true friend tried to convince me to start again. I blew him off. (Sorry to him!) My psychologist/therapist/shrink talked me back into it. I think I'll listen to him rather than you - he is a bit better informed. The shrink said it might be "therapeutic" to respond to your email publicly - "affirming my intentions" he called it.

So here we go:

Self-indulgent. Well, yes, often it is. I don't have many people I can vent to and sometimes, even with them, some things I can't talk about head on. One friend reads this and then we can talk about the things I couldn't say or he can choose not to approach the subject. My blog is self-indulgent? Yeah, it is, but sometimes it helps just to get it out of my head or to figure out how I really feel about some things.

Pessimistic: yeah, mostly. That's how I feel, how I think and in real life, to your face, you'd probably see my "I'm fine - all's good" face. At this point, I'm still making it all the way through the day and still breathing at the end. I have a hand-written journal where I write affirmations and positive thought activities like that. My blog is for where my heart is. Right now it's in a very dark place. So, yeah, it's pessimistic.

I'm a "drama queen:" You aren't the first to say and you won't be the last. Little things that don't phase others hit me harder than they should. I make a big deal over things that probably aren't important in the big picture. At the time, it's a big deal to me. And blogging about it puts it back into perspective when I look back on it. And, some times my life is so bizarre that if I submitted it to a soap opera unedited, they would reject it as too unrealistic.

That leads into the last and most upsetting comment you made:

"You're probably just making this all up anyways:" First, I have a regular readership of ONE. Why would I bother making such a frequent blog full of fake things? Next, just supposing there is a small chance it is true... your invalidation (another shrink word) is one of the biggest reasons I refuse to talk to my loved ones about this stuff. What if they don't believe me? So, thanks for hitting my sorest point. Lastly, I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to agree with you. Can you think of a way to make that happen? I've been trying. It isn't working...

Now that I've addressed YOUR main issues, here's my take.

First of all, you probably aren't reading this. If you thought it was such crap, I'm sure you won't be back. So let me make this clear that I wrote this to you FOR ME.

Secondly, I have a target audience of ONE - ME. If anyone else reads, fine. If you feel like commenting and want to email me, fine. But this is my place. As my mother always said when I was growing up: MY HOUSE, MY RULES! You cut deep with your remarks and I wonder if you emailed on impulse or if you thought you would be helping me by "calling me out" (as my kids say) or if you had no idea how much your words would sting, or if you are just a mean person. I don't know because I don't know you. And you don't know me either so you have no right to judge me and basically call me a liar. (I NEVER lie. period.) I shouldn't care a bit about what you wrote, but I do. That's my problem, not yours.

And last of all, even though I don't like the way you said what you said, you gave me cause to reassess the purpose of my blog and you reached out and touched me and let me know that you read it. The former was probably overdue and the latter was surprising but moving.

So, my email pal, it all boils down to: I'm doing want I want, what I feel I need and in my own way. So if you don't like it: DON'T READ!

Best Intentions,
Me

Alone inside my Mirror Wall and planning to stay here

i told him i'm scared. i told him i'm not safe. i thought i had made it clear that i wanted to rip the bandaid off and go from there. he wants me to peel it off slowly, acknowledge the pain but not react to it and distract myself in between.

he says to look at some of it, feel and see whatever is there, then go do something productive to distract from it.

i said i'm not safe. he told me to be safe.

he doesn't get that once i start letting this through, i won't be able to do it selectively. i can't dissolve the Wall then be okay again in 45 minute segments and i still can't conceive of breaking through my glass Wall.

how do i tell him that? and how do i tell him that when he has said repeatedly his biggest fear is messing this up? doesn't he see that he's put the burden of not wanting to hurt him on me instead of reassuring me that the rest doesn't scare him off as i think he intended?

i can't do this. i want out. i'm not going to do this. screw confronting the Wall, i need to stay safe and he can't guarantee my safety. his plans DON'T WORK FOR ME.

i'm failing him. i'm failing me. i'm failing my kids and my family and my friends. the Wall stays. both Walls. i will just find a way to reinforce them. here comes zombie to take over for a while. she can help with the Wall repairs.

i'm going to bed.

Going Numb

Baby-Mommy made her decision. She is taking Baby away from me to put her in daycare. She told me this early this week and I got very upset but I didn't tell her off or try to convince her otherwise. I didn't even cry. But another strand of the thin rope from which I am hanging... snapped. Yesterday I sent her an email. I included the link to this YouTube clip, telling her this is how I feel about keeping Baby instead of her being taken away and sent to daycare:



And then I told her I would do anything she wanted, make any changes she wanted in how and what I do for and with the baby. I would get us involved in activities with other babies, or get new toys, or never give advice again or whatever this free daycare has that I don't... I'd make it happen.

She chose daycare. Here are excerpts from the email reply she sent:

my healthy family's advisor feels that would be the best place for her because these people are TRAINED to develop babies and children and prepare them for preschool. Many of them have social services degrees or teaching certificates etc. They can keep track of her development benchmarks and make sure she meets or surpasses them as she should.

So this is what they can do that I can't: take care of her like she deserves. Okay, I get it...

There's more, despite us having this exact conversation and me telling her exactly why having Baby here is more help than harm AND that both Craig and I understand AND DON'T CARE about the money. Dammit - it's NEVER been about the money! But she says,

One of my biggest problems is financial and practical. You have MORE than enough on your plate and I know how [HUBBY] is - he wants me to pay you and I can't. He doesn't understand my finances and neither do you. And frankly, I'm an adult and not responsible for explaining my money spending reasons with anyone. I'm certainly not going to start now. You both will just have to trust that I'm doing what's right and best for [BABY] and I financially.

So she thinks that she should choose free daycare because she can't pay me and is very specific that her money is her business and NONE OF MINE. (We've discussed money before... whether or not certain things are viable, where we stand in our lives, how a lack of money really sucks, venting over how much specific things cost... that kind of thing.)

So, to recap, we'll be going from me having Baby 10-ish hours a day 5-ish days a week to me seeing her sometimes on the weekends if she has time or needs a sitter because I can't take care of Baby right. My hubby and I supposedly have issues with her not paying me that make me want her to take Baby away. And I have no business discussing money with her, especially if we disagree over it. Then she ends with this...

I am certainly more than happy to share her with you and I'm not taking her away from you. We can work out time for you two to be together. I could never take her away from you and you know that. You're Auntie [ME] and she loves you. And if the daycare thing doesn't work out I'm more than happy to bring her back to you if you'll have her but I'm being told by someone who is an expert and has a bachelor's degree in child development who says this is the best thing for her.

Don't stop giving me advice - I need that. Even if we disagree. Even if we fight. I need you there to be my big sister, my mother hen - to give me a shoulder to cry on and someone to share laughter with. I need you to be there for her as she grows up and for me as my daughter grows up and becomes a woman.

So... don't give your opinion but don't stop giving advice. You can't watch her and will have to schedule time to be with her (which she usually breaks our "dates", BTW) but be there for us as she grows up.

All I say now is... whatever. I hurt so bad last night I wanted to die. I still do. But I am going numb at a rapid pace and maybe this is a good thing. Numb would be better than feeling my heart has been ripped out, sew back in poorly, and ripped out again. ("Why a spoon, Cousin?" "Because it would hurt more!" Robin Hood Prince of Thieves) I'm losing another baby. I can't handle this...

"Calgon! Take me away!"

The song "It's the end of the world as we know it (and I feel fine)" (REM) keeps running through my head.

Tell Me. Have You Ever Felt...

Tell me. Have you ever felt weighed down so heavily by your life and the things in it that you felt you would collapse under it and yet couldn't bear the thought of a single part of the weight removed? Have you ever felt that everything you do is completely wrong and yet not want anyone else to do it instead? Have you ever felt so strongly that you absolutely must do something to the point that it happens without you knowing you did it and then wishing just as strongly you could take it back? Have you ever felt that intense desire for something to come to pass, then desire just as intensely that it never had? Have you ever felt you knew what needed to be done, but could not make the sacrifices required to do it? Have you ever felt the only thing to do was die and known that was the one thing you were not allowed to do?

I have.

"I'm ready to tell you my secret now."
(The Sixth Sense)

Poetry? I don't write poetry...

You Never Saw Me, Did You?

You never saw me watching you from underneath long hair
You never saw me looking, didn't know I was even there
You never saw me crying after you'd left the room
You never saw me at all, at least that's what I assume.

I watched every time you turned away from me
I was everything you never wanted to see
I always knew I was the plague to you
I always felt I was the plague to me too.

You never saw me taking bottles of pills from off the shelf
You never saw me wanting so much to kill myself
You never saw me crying every single night
You never saw me, you never saw me, right?

I heard every word you said to me, every single word
I wished to run away from you or fly, like a bird
I felt it every time you hit my back, my legs, my face
I would have tried to hide but there is no safe place.

You never saw me burning or cutting with a knife
You never saw me hurting until I tried to take my life
You never saw me crying there in the hospital bed
You never saw me lying there, not dead.

I knew everything I did was the wrong thing in your eye
I would ruin moments, steal from you, lie
I always knew you hated me in the way you said my name
I wondered if you ever knew that I always felt the same.

You never saw me hiding the shame as I did as I was told
You never saw me falling apart since I was 4 years old
You never saw me losing hope and giving up (or wanting to)
You never saw me even at all, never, did you?