It Doesn't Apply to Me

So many terms and theories and unspoken what-ifs... I've been listening. I've been reading. I've been studying. And I've been thinking. And they don't apply to me. Here's why:


Diagnostic criteria for 300.14 Dissociative Identity Disorder
A. The presence of two or more distinct identities or personality states (each with its own relatively enduring pattern of perceiving, relating to, and thinking about the environment and self). Voices aren't personalities or identifies, regardless of how persistent or enduring they are.

B. At least two of these identities or personality states recurrently take control of the person's behavior. I can't confirm that anyone but ME is ever in the control booth. Even second-hand reports aren't so distinctly different from me as to be considered a different personality. It's not like I wake up some mornings claiming to be someone else with a different name, a different life, different looks. I'm just me.

C. Inability to recall important personal information that is too extensive to be explained by ordinary forgetfulness. I remember most things, dates and places of life events and things like that. I may not actually recall the event but I know the stats on it.

D. The disturbance is not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., blackouts or chaotic behavior during Alcohol Intoxication) or a general medical condition (e.g., complex partial seizures). Note: In children, the symptoms are not attributable to imaginary playmates or other fantasy play. N/A

See? It doesn't apply. But that's just the criteria part. I've been reading about people with this... situation. There is no way this applies to me. I don't fit the mold. Here are some reasons why:

Most of my Voices don't have people names. Most of them have functional names like Handle, The Sentinel, The Bitch, Weeping Girl and a bunch of the others.

On the times when I have lost significant periods of time, my family and friends don't report me acting like a substantially different person. I don't lead a double-life, knowing some people by one name and others by a different name.

My Voices mostly know each other. They talk to each other, work with each other, fight with each other... they communicate with each other. There are some that avoid the others but I have learned of them now and they are just Voices like the others.

I'm not extraordinary in any way. People with dissociative disorders have outstanding capabilities.

I feel pain. I can function through it to a large degree but I feel it.

I don't think in terms of "we". I think "me".

My childhood wasn't that bad. Not bad enough to cause that kind of problem. Not so bad as to create that kind of devastation. And I can't prove that anything happened at all. Probably it was just my imagination.

So, you see, I don't fit the personal accounts either. All I am is someone who whines too much and happens to think in a very imaginative way. My Voices are not personalities. They are thoughts. As such, I should be held accountable for all of them, able to control and contain them and not attempt to shirk responsibility for my actions while in an off-mood. "I don't remember" is not a valid defense. I am obviously choosing to not remember so as to avoid the discomfort of guilt and responsibility.