Slipping - AGAIN

Slipping on an oily black surface, twisting and sliding down a spiral slope, blackness all around, swirling and spinning down... down... down...

I feel that I am sliding back into that dark place again. I'm not sure why and I'm not sure how to stop it but I feel that it is there. Every waking moment is a strain to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I am starting to understand how Frodo felt towards the end of his journey. No energy to go on, no choice but to do so anyways.

My head is telling me that all this darkness is nothing more than a conscious choice to feel as I do. I am being told constantly (inside my head) to just snap out of this. Think positive and you will feel positive. Fake it til you make it. All those stupid little cliches that sound good in theory but I have not yet managed to put into practice. Efforts at forced positive thinking are met with waves of sarcasm and negative replies. Any attempt to nay-say those replies results in a landslide of negative reactions.

I just feel so trapped. The hurtful Voices are growing louder and stronger. I push them away only with the knowledge of the trouble I would be in if I were to acknowledge them or give in to them. It is this desire to spare people any further harm from me that keeps me safe and, frankly, alive. I don't want to be here. But I cannot leave or even relax my guard because it would cause pain to my loved ones.

Craig asks me what is wrong. He can tell I am not doing so hot. But what do I tell him? There is nothing I can say that is both the truth (for I will NOT lie) AND won't cause him more grief and worry. I dodge him. He can't help me. If I thought for one minute that he could help me, I'd let him in and tell him everything in my heart. If I had any idea what could be done to stop this slide, I would do it in a heartbeat. But I don't. And all the conventional wisdom I have heard is backfiring. I continue to sink into darkness, into despair and hopelessness. I am trapped.

*** *** ***

"They are coming," cried Legolas.
"We cannot get out," said Gimli.
"Trapped!" cried Gandalf. "Why did I delay?"