When Good News is Bad News and Bad News is Good News

Took Kid-3 to the pediatric urologist today down at Riley's Children's Hospital. I've been so freaked out about this test and doing everything in my power to now let him know how scared I am. Apparently it worked as he was not at all nervous - he was just bored, bored, bored!! And the test went very smoothly. It was actually really cool to watch - the xray of the contrast in the bladder and everything. It was, from a technical perspective, really cool. The results were of interest as well.

The good news is, Kid-3's bladder is actually pretty okay. It's obviously been having some issues but from the urologist's standpoint, all his plumbing is present and working.

The bad news is it appears the issue is more complicated than retraining the bladder muscles or something similar. His stools just aren't moving right, despite medication and diet, and that is screwing with the waterworks. So we get to trot off to a different specialist, a pediatric gastro-neurologist. And we may have a lead on the underlying problem.

It turns out my perfect baby boy actually has a minor structural birth defect. It's called spinal bifida occult. It means that the spinal column way down at the bottom of the spine has an area where it didn't fully close. There is a small gap where there should be a small ridge. And it *might* mean that some nerves are exposed or a fatty mass has developed at the site and infringing on the nerves. That could be causing the bowel problems. First thing to do is get an MRI to find out just how extensive this spinal bifida occult thing is and whether or not the nerves might be affected by it. We'll go from there with the new specialist...

spinal bifida...

that's one of those horror potentials the OB warns you about when you are pregnant. A worst case scenario of things that could go wrong. The Spinal column doesn't close and all the nerves and stuff that should be inside of it have no place to be. It can be a lethal birth defect, or 100% disabling, or a major problem... but no one ever said it could be really small and undetected until age 8 and then because of a different issue.

It sounds so scary to say that my son has a form of spinal bifida. But really, it isn't as bad as it sounds. And perhaps i we can define the problem, we can fix or minimize it.

Part of me is saying, "DID I DO THIS? DID I CAUSE THIS IN HIM BECAUSE OF SOMETHING I DID WHILE PREGNANT?"

Part of me is saying, "Thank you, God, for helping us move one step closer to finding a solution to this complication and for showing me how much I have to be thankful for in the faintest shadow of what could have been but is not."

I am actively choosing to thank God.

Silence Reflection

In silence there is protection, safety and anonymity. In deflection, there is reflection, a chance to observe, apply and imitate. By reaching out to lift up another, the opportunity presents to be lifted up alongside them.

I want to know about other people. I want to watch the way they move and notice the little things that mean so much but no one else bothers to pay attention to. I want to hear them talk, listen to the things they say with their words and the things they say with everything else. I want to understand their thoughts, trace them back to their origins, and maybe watch them evolve to a better place. I want to know where they've been, where they are and where they're going. And I want to know why...

I can take everything I learn about people and apply it to everything I know about myself. I can take insights from their lives and illuminate my own. I can watch their progress and learn how to create my own. I can see their mistakes and all the things that surround them, understand why things happened with, for or to them and examine my own mistakes. For everyone is a mirror. They reflect back to me that which is inside me and I can reflect back to them that which they already possess.

This morning the shrink stumbled and fell right into success. I have an extremely difficult time thinking he creates some of these situations with intent, although I am certain he is guided by instinct and confident that he is causing no harm in his accidental successes.

This morning I realized that he has awoken something entirely new (or else very long forgotten) deep inside me, so deep that it lies in that place I am afraid to look at. I realized that I am starting to think in terms of potential - my own potential. As in, maybe I have some potential for good in me. It frightens me to think something so intensely positive about myself - I keep waiting for it to be beaten out of me. But the spark has lit an ember and I am almost willing to entertain the notion of roasting s'mores over a thriving bonfire.

"Hate me today. Hate me tomorrow. Hate me for all the things I never did for you." ("Hate Me" by Blue October)

Music Speaks My Minds

Sometimes I think that my mp3 player creeps inside my head and plays the songs that my heart needs to hear or my brain is already thinking. I think I could have an entire therapy session where I speak in nothing but quotes from movies, books and songs. It would go something like this:

Shrink: How are you feeling today?
Me: "I had a bad day."
Shrink: I'It happens.
Me: "All I can do is keep breathing."
Shrink: Well, breathing is good. It's a good place to start.
Me: "I want to change the world!"
Shrink: We all change the world by our very presence. We influence others and they influence us.
Me: "I hate everyone."
Shrink: It takes a lot of energy to hold on to that intensity of emotion.
Me: "Instead I sleep."
Shrink: Is there perhaps a better way to approach this?
Me: "I think it's about forgiveness..."
Shrink: I think you're right. Now, forgiving them - or yourself?
Me: "Who I am hates who I've been."
Shrink: What can we do to fix that?
Me: "Hate me today. Hate me tomorrow..."
Shrink: That sounds a bit counter-productive. Is there another option?
Me: "Don't worry. Be happy?"
Shrink: Very idealistic but how can we get there?
Me: "Breathe in and breathe out."
Shrink: Helpful, what else?
Me: "Don't give up?"
Shrink: I like the sound of that one. Maybe it would help to address the anger, face it, and let it go. Think of one person specifically you are angry with. What would you say to that person if you could?
Me: "Most of all - I hate, I HATE you!"
Shrink: Very strong and assertive. Which person did you pick?
Me: "This animal I have become."
Shrink: So your anger is actually directed at yourself?
Me: "I hate everyone."
Shrink: I take it you are actually referring to everyone inside your head? Why the intense anger at yourself?
Me: "I would have stayed up all night had I known how to save a life."
Shrink: And you didn't save that life so now you hate yourself to such a violent extreme?
Me: "That's one thing I won't touch again."
Shrink: But you are touching by holding it against yourself to the point of hurting yourself over it.
Me: "I'm not crazy. I'm just a little unwell."
Shrink: I didn't say you were crazy; I said you are holding on to your past mistakes and hurting yourself with them over and over. You don't have to do that. You can release this now, forgive yourself and let yourself move on.
Me: "Who says you can't go home?"
Shrink: The past is not home.
Me: "This house is not a home."
Shrink: The past is memory, history, undeniable but unchangeable.
Me: "All I can do is keep breathing."
Shrink: And forgive yourself so you can move on.
Me: "I'll drive so f*cking far away that I never cross your mind."
Shrink: You've been trying to outrun this for years. Is it working for you?
Me: "It's just the weight of the world."
Shrink: It doesn't have to be that heavy.
Me: "It's a small world..."
Shrink: It's a decision. It's over. Time to make new choices about right now.
Me: "It's now or never?"
Shrink: Something like that...
Me: "I'll tell myself I'm Novocaine."
Shrink: Back to the extremes, but it doesn't have to be like that either. You made a choice and you regret the choice but you can't go back. You can't fix this by holding onto to the pain of it.
Me: "It's never too late."
Shrink: It's too late to change the past but you can choose a better future. Will you work with me to let this go?
Me: "I will let you down. Trust me: I will let you down."
Shrink: We'll start small and go from there. This week, try not to hurt yourself, okay?
Me: "Pain - can't get enough."
Shrink: But as you've said before, it doesn't help anything. So what can you do to keep from hurting yourself?
Me: "I'm sending a letter to God."
Shrink: Really? What are you going to say?
Me: "Please, God, make me a bird so I can fly far, far away from here."
Shrink: The running away again. Anything else?
Me: "The rest is still unwritten."
Shrink: Okay, what other coping techniques could you use?
Me: "Keep breathing."
Shrink: Good idea. How about we think of some good thoughts to hold onto. What is it your kids are always telling you?
Me: "You are loved."
Shrink: That's right. And what can you tell those self-harm urges?
Me: "You have no power over me."
Shrink: Exactly! And to cheer yourself up?
Me: "Get stoned!!"
Shrink: Ha Ha. Try again...
Me: "Give a little whistle?"
Shrink: Better. Now how do you feel?
Me: "In over my head."
Shrink: You can do this. I have confidence in you. I see that we are out of time so I guess we should...
Me: "Move along?"
Shrink: I wouldn't have put it that way, but okay. See you next week?
Me: "I wanna stay home..."
Shrink: But you'll be here anyway, right?
Me: "As you wish..."

See? And that's just the stuff I got around to writing down. I could keep going but I'm bored and supposed to be doing NaNo so I'll leave it at that. And yes, I can tell you where each line comes from if you want. LOL

Oh, and no copyright infringement intended, everyone owns their own songs and all that legal stuff... ;-)

Quote for my frame of mind: "Even heroes have the right to bleed" ("Superman" by Five for Fighting)

"Just be yourself, and don't go chewing on the bones at supper!"

I am so tired of fighting. It shouldn't be this hard just to breathe. It shouldn't take this much mental effort just to stay alive every single day. I can't live up to the expectations on me, from myself or from others. I want to be all things to all people but they ask contradicting things of me and what should I think and do then? One person says I should assert myself and fight for what I want; another equally important person says I have to be a specific way to be healthy. And then throw in the guidance from my Guardian Angel and my shrink and my psychiatrist (many times all conflicting with each other.)

Often I am told to "be myself" but this strikes me a lot like the, question "How are you?" MOST of the time it's asked, it is simply a greeting. People don't actually want to know about the migraine or the fight with the kids or the overdue bills that can't be paid. And I'm finding out that when people tell me I should just "be myself" what they mean is that *I* should be a relatively content, moderately-successful, positive person with happy anecdotes to tell and a range of socially acceptable interests and hobbies. That is who *I* should be and, since I am therefore that person, I should "be myself."

What if I'm NOT that kind of person? What if "myself" means I am a pessimist by nature, selfish by habit and lazy at heart? I'm not successful and I'm not peppy and I have to rehearse happy anecdotes to recite. I have hobbies but nothing anyone else is interested in listening to me babble about. And my thoughts are anywhere but where people want them to be. So - what if "being myself" means not being a very nice person?

I have learned through the years the fine art of being a chameleon. I can "be" whoever I need to be depending on who I am around and what those people are expecting of me. If I'm around a Bible-thumper, I know enough to smile and nod in all the right places and pipe in a supportive statement here and there. If I'm around a Pagan, I know enough to understand the differences between Pagan and Wiccan and the concepts each follow. (I don't know all the gods or their specialties but I can usually bluff my way around that or just flat out ask.) It is the same with just about any religion. I don't have to agree with them and I almost never expand on MY actual religious beliefs, but I can hold a conversation that is meaningful and productive regardless of who I am talking to.

The same applies to behavior. Behavior in different circumstances can be learned. When I am in one place, I behave one way and another place another place gets another behavior. I conform to what those around me are doing. "When in Rome..." is practically my mantra. New situations scare me because I haven't had a chance to practice the expected behavior and have to try to learn it on the fly.

I practice conscious, active, non-judgement. No matter who I am talking to and how good or bad their actions have come across, I consciously work to understand where they are coming from. There are only a few things I absolutely cannot comprehend where someone is coming from. It doesn't mean I have to agree with or condone their behavior, but I can arrange myself accordingly so as not come across as condemning or judgmental.

I frequently end up in situations where I am doing things I don't care for and sometimes doing things that I actively think are wrong. I do have my limits and generally follow the guidelines that I will not cross any line where crossing it means someone else is going to get hurt. Sometimes that means doing things better than I would normally want and sometimes that means putting myself in compromising and upsetting situations. But no one else ends up hurting because of something *I* did.

I have confided this approach to life that I have to a couple of people and have met with resistance each time. They say I should "be myself" instead of changing my behavioral values to suit those around me. But what if "myself" IS changing my values to suit those around me? They say to be myself but only if that means being how they think I should be in which case - aren't I changing my values to suit their expectations just like I do in every other situation?

And what's so wrong with adapting anyways?! I do it so people don't get hurt and that, in turn, means *I* don't get hurt. I'm tired of hurting. I've tried "assertive" and assertive causes conflict and conflict causes pain. I don't like pain. So why do I have to do "assertive" in the first place?

I want to give up fighting the people who are telling me to fight. I want to just do what they want they want me to do. But I keep getting conflicting instructions. In the past I've always handled this by following the instructions of the person I'm around. But now I'm being specifically told that doing that is wrong.

"Be myself"

There is a line in the movie "Ever After" where Danielle says, "I hope they like me!" and the woman (servant/nanny/mother-type figure) says, "Just be yourself, be that little angel I know is in there somewhere... and don't go chewing on the bones at supper!" So she tells her to be herself, but only the right part of herself.

Everything I do, I do for someone else to some degree or other. The closest I come to doing something for me alone is write and even that is often done to please other people or to uphold what is seen as my role. Left to myself, to do what *I* truly want, I'd be dead. But like answering truthfully to the question, "How are you?" that is not the right answer. What a paradox... everyone telling me to be myself then telling me who I am is wrong.

Is it lying to think one thing and say another? To present oneself as one way when one feels completely different? Perhaps I am the biggest liar of everyone, even in my determined claim that I do not lie. But that is a subject for another post...

"I want to save the world; instead, I sleep....... all I can do is keep breathing. All I can do is keep breathing. All I can do is keep breathing....... now." (excerpts from "Keep Breathing" by Ingrid Michaelson.

NaNoWriMo not so easy...

So I'm trying to do NaNoWriMo, as I said before. I thought I had a good premise down and was ready to roll with it - right up until it came time to write it. Then I realized that I had no idea what I was doing. I knew facts on a page. But there was no life in the story. I didn't feel the characters or know them at all. I could tell you what needed to happen in a given scene but not see and hear it play out.

To quote my daughter, "I don't roll like that!"

I tried wrapping my head around the story but there was no instinct in it. I tried forcing the answers but it didn't make anything click. Okay, no problem, don't panic, still lots of time.... Switched tactics and went for the backstory of one of my in-progress novels that I know very well. But I couldn't bring myself to NaNo it - it needs more time and care than NaNo can give. I gave it a try but it make me nervous. So I went back to Joe's Diner and gave it another whirl. Spit out another 700 words but it was still crap. So I back-tracked and thought I'd start a totally different story but couldn't come up with anything despite several "interesting" suggestions from Kid-2, my darling writer-in-training who is my polar opposite in writing styles. (I can't "write bright" to save my soul and she doesn't comprehend any story idea that isn't happy and perky! LOL) so I went back for yet a third attempt at the Diner. No dice.

By this time it is getting late on Sunday, November 4th. I should have close to 7,000 words by that time and I had 1200 - in 4 different story attempts. I was getting deperate. I couldn't FEEL it. I couldn't find what some part of me knew I SHOULD be writing. Something is out there, something I *should* be writing - I could FEEL it but not grab onto it. It was infuriating! I feel so strongly about doing NaNo this year and yet it had completely eluded me.

Then I thought - what if I tell MY story? (Actually Mary thought it but that's another story. LOL) Well, that sent me into a panicking tail-spin because a spark ignited at the idea and I didn't really want to have the idea in the first place. The more the idea battered at my desperate mind, the more I thought maybe I could make it work. I could change things, add some take away others, change names and places and jobs and houses. And I didn't necessarily EVER have to show it to anyone. When you sub your final novel for authentication to NaNo - you have to scramble it. And I am doing NaNo not for publication but for the rush of being in the zone and to say I DID IT!! So I don't care if no one ever reads it - I just want to say I DID IT!

So... I think I'm going for it. I'm changing a lot of what happened. Some of it I just can't look at too close. Some of it needs some spicing up and/or toning down to be more realistic. (Weird, isn't it, when RL is too unrealistic to be put down as is into fiction?! LOL) Some of it I'm changing just to prove that I am in control of the story and not the other way around. I'm hoping by doing this NaNo style, I can get it out quick, fast and without dwelling too long on any one thing. I may end up tipping myself over the edge but it's like Mary keeps reminding... fiction is a safer way to tell the truth. Made up stories can't hurt you. Uh... me.

So... I'm off to write. I don't know if it'll work, but I'm going to try!

"Don't tell me I don't have time! I'm a Time-Lord!" (Doctor Who)

"What Have You Got That's Worth Living For?"

That is what Miracle Max asks the mostly dead Man in Black (aka Wesley the poor and perfect farmboy, aka The Dread Pirate Roberts) in The Princess Bride.

"What's your dream? Ev'rybody come to Hollywood got a dream. What's your dream?" asks the guy on the street at the beginning and the end of Pretty Woman.

"You're no nice guy, Larry!" (to Larry Underwood from many people in SK's The Stand.

"It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." Everyone knows that one.

And of course, arguably the most notorious contemplation of all: "To be, or not to be: that is the question:/ Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer/ The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,/ Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,/ And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;/ No more; and by a sleep to say we end/ The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks/ That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation/ Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;" (Hamlet 3/1)

So here's my own: Is it better to live for others than to not live at all?

Maybe it's just because I'm so damned tired and my head hurts so damned much but right now none of this seems worth it. The only reason I'm still living is because of the damage that would be caused if I intentionally stopped. I know that's not how it's supposed to be but it is the best I can do right now. And I am sure from everyone else's point of view, that my being alive for whatever reason it takes, is better than the alternative.

"What have you got that's worth living for?"

Everyone else. Not because they make me feel happy or because I get satisfaction knowing that I am making a difference in their lives, but because I don't want to be the ultimate screw-up and ruin lives their lives forever by donating all future oxygen consumption to a worthier cause.

The only thing that I remember from my initial round of hospital visits in late 2001 - early 2002 is the one leader-type guy asking the question: "If this is as a good as it gets, is it enough?" I still have no idea why he asked that or where he was going with it or how it was supposed to help a group of mentally disturbed psych ward patients, but his question haunts me because the immediate, resounding answer then is still the immediate, resounding answer now: NO!!

The first time I heard someone call suicide the ultimate act of selfishness, it baffled me. How could this person (and apparently everyone in the room) not see that suicide is sometimes for the good of everyone around the suicidal person? I have always thought the world would be a better place without me in it. The people around me could be happier, more free, less stressed, less burdened, and generally better off. I cause so much pain in others that it's hard to see how my death could be a selfish act when it would deliver them from that pain.

Another time that someone in the psych ward setting had a profound impact on me was when I was trying to explain to my case manager the depth of the guilt I feel at lending a reverse Midas touch to everything around me. She looked at me and she said, "Do you really think you have that much power to have made any difference at all in most of those situations?" Wow, that was a shock. She's right - I didn't mess those things up; I'm too insignificant to have even the smallest impact on them.

But the thing that had the biggest impact on my decision to stay was from my last hospital stay. One of the psych nurses told me that the suicide of a parent would permanently destroy a child and they would never be able to heal from it. So basically, I'm screwed on that front. Actually, my kids are screwed. They have to live with me and the failure that I am, or be destroyed by me.

How I wish I was dead. And I can't talk to anyone about it because all they can think about is how to keep me from killing myself. I'm not going to. I hate every thing about myself and am acutely aware of the damage I cause just by existing, but I brought those kids into the world and I won't destroy their souls by killing myself. But I think about it all the time. It would be so easy to just slip away, to let go and move away from this pain, both the pain inside me and the pain I create. And ultimately, I wouldn't be around to see their pain from my action. I would just be gone, into peaceful nothingness. I want that!! And it is out of my reach. I have to keep on breathing, every moment of every day, in silence to protect those I love.

"Somebody save me from this nightmare; I can't control myself!" (Animal I Have Become, Three Days Grace)

NANOWRIMO HERE I COME!!

The title of this year's NaNo novel is Joe's Diner: Baby Steps

I really want to do this. I want to write this story and I want to write it well. Okay, I'll settle for just writing it! LOL So why have I been stalling all day? I had kids this morning and the 2 hour delay and then I still have this bloody headache so I laid down on the couch for a few minutes (read hour and a half) while Baby napped. Of course then there was more Baby stuff to do and I finall sat down to write and my web browser was up and I ended up surfing for a little while. Realizing what I was doing, I kicked myself in my virtual ass and started to write. 308 words in, I went off to do more Baby stuff and find some more headache stuff. I came back to the computer and happened to notice I still had a YouTube window open. Well... I cn't resist a good YouTube window and spent another half an hour drooling over Jensen Ackles clips and wondering desparately why I can't see a person behind his acting. Who is this guy that he has his acting face on all the time? I have seen a few pictures of him that are definately a person and not an actor but rare and they are brief snapshops. WHO IS THIS GUY??!

Oh wait... I'm supposed to be writing. WWWAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!

Alright, back to the diner...

"Come on in for a cuppa Joe!" (sign in the window of Joe's Diner)