Hold On to Your Seats...

I think I just had a GOOD DAY!! I'm too 'bouncy bouncy bouncy' to give a play-by-play so here are the highest points...

Therapy went omg-good this morning. It seemed like we touched on so many different things and most of what we touched on came away somewhat productive. Some were more productive than others. Highlights:

I showed The Shrink the lyrics to Let You Down and told him how it feels like they stole them out of my head. He was very careful in how he worded it, but it was dead obvious that he had no idea why I would think they apply to me. He doesn't see me letting people down and made it very clear that I have never let him down. I don't think that's entirely true... I've done some pretty stupid things, including some crises that screwed with his day. But the genuine shock and confusion went a long way. Especially since of the three people with whom I have discussed the lyrics haunting me... all three couldn't figure out why I felt that way. EGO BOOST!

The single biggest revelation from therapy this morning came when The Shrink called me out on something I do all the time but have never really noticed/paid attention to. He had asked me a question - the kind that does have a right/wrong answer - and I nailed it on the head (rare for me). He told me I was right and reiterated the part I said that was the point he was trying to make. So, super bright, I said, "Wow! I got it right! Do I get my gold star for the day?"

First he made his standard reply: "Do you want one?" But then he got his 'I'm trying to figure you out' squinty look and he said, "Why did you get sarcastic?"

BUSTED! "I dunno. I felt silly and uncomfortable, nervous." And POW it hit me. I do that all the time. When I get something right and it gets noticed, I get uncomfortable and do anything I can to deflect it. I will trivialize it or nit-pick at it until it doesn't seem 'right' at all or make a joke out of it or put the credit on someone else or whatever it takes to make it go away. On the other hand, if I do something wrong, I blow it up huge and make a big deal out of it, apologize all over for it, take intense personal credit for it (regardless of why it actually happened), hold it against myself and refuse to let go of it.

I know why I do this. I know where it comes from and what purpose it served. But it's not serving me well anymore. I'm not that kid now (usually). The Shrink says that if I let myself see and FEEL when I do good, that I am good (which I am still debating strongly) that I won't have nearly so many problems as I have. Because I'm all about minimizing my positives and highlighting my flaws.

So... the goal is to see the good. Now, it won't do me any good to try to tell myself that I am a good mommy or a good friend or good wife. I don't believe it. I see all the evidence to contrary. BUT - I think I can start to recognize individual good THINGS that I do. And instead of blowing them off, the plan is to hold onto them, feel good about them, admit that I did a good thing. Instead of racking up item upon item on my list of things I've screwed up today, I should keep a tally of the things I did right. And then hold on to that good feeling, relish it and keep it close.

So here are a few things I did right today:
- I made lunch when I didn't want to
- I held my ground with Kid-2 on a consequence
- I read a book with Kid-2 (it's called Sixth Grade Secrets by Louis Sachar and it's WEIRD!)
- I finished the Cub Scout Roundup flyer - and it came out GOOD!
- I took all 4 of my kids and 2 of their best friends to the movies with the SIL without having a panic attack! (I love my Xanax!)

WOW! Yay me! I rock the world!!!

(Oops, sarcastic deflection... I'll just leave it at 'Wow! Yay me!")