Click-Click

(*click-click is a family vocabulary phrase that is used to indicate someone was very slow to catch on to something obvious but did eventually get there)

A while ago, I was trying to understand the concept of projection. I get the whole Shadow concept. And I could see the classic example of projection where the man thinks the woman is having an affair because he himself either is (or would) have one himself. So I understand it academically, but I couldn't pull it from experience or really make much sense of it.

Well, I think I've got it. Now that the train thing is actually going to happen, I keep worrying that Hubby will find that the 6 week train school is Atlanta suits him, that he will like the time away from me and the kids and the responsibilities of our daily lives that even when he comes back, he won't want to come back to us. When I mentioned something to that effect to him, he laughed at me. He seemed to think it a ridiculous thing to even think, let alone be afraid of. But I couldn't shake the fear.

Tonight it suddenly clicked (click-click) as to a possible explanation for why I can't shake that totally irrational fear. I've thought about that before... how much simpler it might be if I lived a different life, one without a husband and kids and a mortgage and extended family. Because let's face it - my life is stressful! But when that thought creeps into my mind, I freak out. It gets beaten into submission immediately. What kind of horrible mother would even have that enter her mind?!?!?! I couldn't possibly think such a thing... (Not sure I could create a more clear-cut example of my Shadow...) So I pawn the thought off on Hubby, like it is his thought, not mine.

Recognizing this for what it is has helped dispel it, ironically enough. I can see that it isn't his potential future, it isn't his "secret wish" to not have to deal with me. It's mine, my secret longing. But just as I recognize that there is no threat of him doing that to us - I also recognize there isn't one of me doing it either. And thus the fear loses its power... (YAY ME!)

(Of course, it doesn't dispel the hideous guilt that raises its head upon realizing I have that buried urge. But guilt is there to tell us that something is wrong. That thought is wrong. So I can now banish that thought.)

"You have no power over me." (Labyrinth)