Wilt Thou Be Healed?

John 5:2-9

My paraphrasing: Jesus goes to this pool where people afflicted with all manner of disabling conditions hang out. They are there because angels stir up the water and the first one in afterwards gets a miracle cure. He sees this dude who has been there for 38 years. And he asks the dude (who doesn't know who he is) "Wilt thou be healed?" The guy gives him the excuse that no one will carry him to the water so someone always beats him there after the angels' visits. Jesus tells him to stand up, pick up his mat and walk. POOF - dude is healed, gets up and walks away. (He then gets busted for carrying his mat on the Sabbath which may actually be the point of the story but has no bearing on my current thoughts.)

I recently read an article that expanded upon this story and added some hypothetical details. It basically said that the miracle was not in the healing but rather in the being willing to be healed. In the struggle to stand, the willingness to accept help, the determination to rise and take up his mat and walk again after 38 years. It mentioned such questions that might have gone through the man's mind such as how will he get a job after being out of it for 38 years? What if he starves because he has no way to support himself and no support from the community any more? What if he fails in meeting the new expectations? What if he doesn't? But the man rose, took up his mat and walked away. (Where he promptly got yelled at for doing so - how appropriate!)

It really hit home on one of my most sensitive areas regarding my functioning capacity. Next to the damage I am inflicting upon my children by not performing to standards, worrying that I am not better because I don't want it enough is very high on my list. Am I somehow not working as hard as I could because I am afraid of being well? Am I letting myself stay miserable because I don't know how I can reintegrate into society and the job market when I become well? Am I still struggling simply because I am too lazy and spoiled and selfish to snap out of it?

Really - is that what I am supposed to do? "Snap out of it" ? Do I just need to rise, take up my mat and walk? I want to be well! I want to feel good and perform appropriately. I want to want to live. But do I not want it enough and am just too self-deceiving to see it?