Baby Steps

Have you ever seen a baby learn to walk? She starts out unable to move without someone carrying her around. Then she begins to roll and still can't get anywhere but is likely to roll off of things and get hurt. Soon she gets the hang of flipping over and can see the world a little better but still isn't in a position to do much about it. Then she starts moving. Of course, she starts out going BACKWARDS! Then she inches forward and gains speed until she is crawling forward. At long last, she pulls herself up to her knees. Now she is getting really mobile but though she can move, she can't do anything else at the same time because her hands are busy moving her along. Around this time, she learns to stand up. Oh, what a new world this opens up! But she can't do anything but stare - it's all completely out of her reach. She begins to get the hang of holding on with one hand and grabbing with the other, still very dependent on the person or thing keeping her steady, but gaining more and more independence. The first few steps she takes on her own are hugely celebrated but still usually involve falling down on her rear and having to get up and start over again. Eventually she'll get the hang of things and won't fall as much. She'll pick up speed and agility and before you know, she'll be off and running leaving the parents wondering why they were so bloody anxious to have her mobile in the first place.

I think this is the same path that I am travelling. Paralyzed by myself and my life, I couldn't go anywhere emotionally without someone to carry me there. When I realized it, I started thrashing about but I never got anywhere but deeper into trouble. Every so often I would get flashes of insight that not everyone thought the way I do (did?) but I had no idea how to get there. When I decided I wanted to try, I started off going in the wrong direction. I did get moving in the right direction eventually but the process was so slow it felt like I wasn't moving at all and everything still seemed completely out of my grasp. Gradually I've pulled myself and have been trying to move along, and I've made tremendous progress. But although I am seeing things from a totally different place now, I still feel like I can't DO anything with this - my hands are still too busy holding on to things for balance to be of much use in handling and experiencing the world around me. My entire focus is on moving and learning to walk and it is all-consuming. At this point, I think I've really come far. I'm walking along the edge of the couch, holding on, falling often, but I'm upright and moving. I keep falling down (and I *don't* have a diaper to cushion my fall!) but I keep trying to get back up again.

The thing is, when a baby is learning to walk, people expect her to fall down. It seems to be different for me. Once I show that I can think or do something new and healthy, when I stumble and don't do it, people get more frustrated with me than if I'd never done it at all. It's very much a case of "you did it once, why aren't you doing it all the time???" Very black and white. Also, one set of healthy behaviors is expected to have direct correlation on other healthy behaviors. It's like, "Athletic people can ride bikes far and fast. Athletic people can run long and steady. So if you can ride far, why can't you run long?" If I can write a song in a day, why can't I clean the house during the day?

It's all quite frustrating. Not only am I travelling a path that is extremely difficult, frighteningly new, and totally out of character for me, I am also tripping and falling down along the way. And at every turn I am getting laid into for what I'm doing or not doing. I keep getting "That's great BUT..."

Maybe the part of the story where the dude with the mat getting yelled at for carrying it on the Sabbath had more to do with the healing miracle than I thought. Dude hadn't walked or carried his mat for 38 years. He finally manages to get up and do it and what happens? He gets yelled at.

"Wilt thou be healed?"

"That depends... am I going to get into trouble for it???"