Power Struggle - And I Lost

Wasn't going to go into a lot of detail about this, just going to make note of it. But it's kind of getting to me. I got into a bit of a power struggle with the Shrink this morning and quite honestly, I have no idea why. In fact, I didn't realize that's what it was until after I had left.

I had shown him a print-out of my post on Forgiveness which (mostly) pleased him. (He didn't like the part about it not being the act of what I did that is so wrong but rather why I did it. I knew that would be the case, but as I have said before, I don't censor this to fit anyone's opinion. It is the only time/place/space that I reserve this right and I wasn't about to break it for this.) I then showed him the lyrics to "I Miss You" (the song I wrote yesterday - I will probably post it) which pleased him immensely.

Let me take a mini time-out here to stress that I didn't make the post (or the thoughts in it) to please him or anyone else. Same with the song. They were all for me. I showed them to him with dual purpose though. I wanted him to see the progress I made this week (yay me!) - and, yes, I wanted to please him. But it was the showing not the doing that was people-pleasing.

So he commented that I seemed to have made a kind of epiphany, to which I replied (a la my father - LOL) "Yay me - I epiphed!" He gave me one of his patented looks. (The one that says "I'm having an important thought.") And I called him on it, as I usually do. I can't stand the idea of him thinking something about me that I haven't considered. And he started to say something then stopped and closed his mouth. He gave me his narrow-eyed, searching me look and said he didn't want to tell me.

I pressed, he balked. I continued to press and he stood his ground. He said he didn't want to "get in the way of (my) finding my own path" by telling me the thought he'd had. Oooo - that got to me! So I pressed harder and he still refused. So I got manipulative, twisting his words to say what I knew he wasn't saying in order to get him to tell me. And DAMMIT - it still didn't work. I managed to throw a massive guilt trip on him but still didn't get it out of him.

This is the first time EVER that I haven't won a power struggle with him. I've ALWAYS managed to get what I wanted out of or from him. I'm glad he was able to stand against me for what he believes is the right thing to do, but I am stunned that I actually lost the power struggle. I came very close two or three times to winning, very close.

So now there are two things going on in my head. First, I am obsessing over what he had been thinking and almost said before he changed his mind. What am I missing? What is he seeing that I'm not? Am I being an idiot and don't even know how? It can't be good or he would have said it. So what was it???

On the other hand, he kind of established a sense of authority. He is in charge and he is the leader of this pack and he does know what's best. For a long time it's been kind of an even playing field with him knowing more and doing better but remaining level with me for dominance. Which is good in theory but now that I really look at it, I am more comfortable with him a few notches higher than me.

Still...... I can't believe I lost. I never lose those. If I set my mind to something with everything I have - dammit, I get it. And... I didn't. Wow. Reality check - admittedly long overdue.