I'm Not Crazy

(Hey! Why are you laughing so hard?! *wink*)

Saturday the kids stayed overnight at the SIL's. (She does this periodically - I think to remind herself why she never wants children.) Hubby had a late DJ Gig so it was just going to be me. Kid-2 suggested I throw a wild party. (Will have to keep an eye on her as she gets older...) Hubby said I should call my folks and see if they wanted to do dinner and hang out or something. I thought the idea of taking a nice long hot shower and doing absolutely nothing sounded good. Or maybe cleaning things up for the guest coming over Sunday. Or going to bed early and catching up on sleep (since I didn't get to that morning because Baby spent the night - another story for another time). Hubby got nervous.

Then it hit me - he didn't want me home by myself in the evening. It IS April and I HAVE been struggling some and I don't have a very good track record. (After all, ONE time I stayed home alone - when I was highly psychotic and manic yet depressed and dissociating constantly and had already stated I was going to stay in bed until the house fell down around me - and I ended up overdosing and nearly dying. So the 2 days a week that I spend at home alone JUST FINE mean absolutely nothing.)

So I called Baby-Mommy and told her I wouldn't have Hubby or the kids at home and wasn't that awesome hahaha and lo and behold, she was suddenly very insistent that we do a girl's night. Grrr. Fine. Whatever. So I picked up movies and dinner and went to her place and we had barely started the movie when the in-laws called my cell phone.

"Oh that's where you are. We tried you at home and didn't get an answer. We heard you were home alone tonight and thought you'd like to go to a movie with us." Awww, sweet... Except that they meant was, "You didn't answer the phone. You didn't do anything stupid did you? Why don't you let us babysit you?"

And before you accuse me of being over-sensitive or paranoid ("Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get me...) I know that's what they meant because I recognize the tone of voice. The MIL has asked me out to "do stuff" just because before and they have also called to check up on me before and the tone of voice is very different. This was definitely the latter.

So, fine. Whatever... I fully understand where they are coming from. I screwed up and nearly ruined everyone's lives because of it. And no one wants to put me in a situation where there could be a repeat of it. I do understand - I promise I do. But PEOPLE!! Pay attention to the surrounding circumstances...

In December, I was seriously messed up. I hadn't slept in weeks except in 1 or 2 hour stretches every couple of days. I was hallucinating and terrified. I had missed both my therapy appointment and my psychiatrist appointment (because of a school delay and the psychiatrist cancelling - not by choice). And I had a very frightening appointment with an OB-GYN that I had never seen and who had asked me some rather uncomfortable questions. I was off my anti-psychotic and trying a new mood stabilizer. And I had already gone to bed on Friday, pulled the covers over my head and declared I wasn't getting up again. So when I ODed on Sunday, I'm surprised that it came as a surprise to everyone.

Of course there is the fact that I intentionally did this last June. It had been my roughest Easter through May to date and I was ready to give up. I made all sorts of preparations and arrangements, wrote a note and attempted suicide. But I promised... I promised I wouldn't do that again. And coherent, I NEVER break my promises. I know that I am stuck here whether I want to be or not. I won't hurt the kids that way - I promised. And really I have been doing SO much better this year. I am working on FORGIVENESS for goodness sake!

Still... once bitten twice shy. And it's not like I'm the most forthcoming with what is going on in my head. I still can't seem to make myself let them in. Once again, fodder for another post. Or did I post on it already? *sigh* At any rate, I wish I could tell them, convince them, that this year will be different.

We went out to dinner last night and this song came on the radio while we were eating. I had forgotten how appropriate it is. I fully intended to use a Supernatural video (or perhaps a Doctor Who one) for this but came across this one while I was searching and... WOW.

Unwell - Matchbox Twenty


The lyrics:

All day
Staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night
Hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something
Hold on
I'm feeling like I'm headed for a
Breakdown
I don't know why
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
Me
Talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
I know
I know they've all been talking 'bout me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong
With me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow
I've lost my mind
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
I been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're taking me away
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
Hey, how I used to be
How I used to be, yeah
Well I'm just a little unwell
How I used to be
How I used to be