And I Think It's About Forgiveness

What is forgiveness?


Forgiveness

Pardon\, remission \remission\

Usage: Forgiveness, Pardon. Forgiveness is Anglo-Saxon, and pardon Norman French, both implying a giving back. The word pardon, being early used in our Bible, has, in religious matters, the same sense as forgiveness; but in the language of common life there is a difference between them, such as we often find between corresponding Anglo-Saxon and Norman words. Forgive points to inward feeling, and suppose alienated affection; when we ask forgiveness, we primarily seek the removal of anger. Pardon looks more to outward things or consequences, and is often applied to trifling matters, as when we beg pardon for interrupting a man, or for jostling him in a crowd. The civil magistrate also grants a pardon, and not forgiveness. The two words are, therefore, very clearly distinguished from each other in most cases which relate to the common concerns of life. Forgiver \For*giv"er\, n. One who forgives. --Johnson. Webster's Revised Unabridged Dictionary, © 1996, 1998 MICRA, Inc.


But what does that MEAN? How does that apply to one's behavior and thoughts and emotions? What is forgiveness? I know some things that it is not. It is not saying it's okay. It's not forgetting about it. It's not deciding that it wasn't your fault. It isn't saying it's no big deal.

So what is it?

An old song by Don Henley comes to mind at this point. "Heart of the Matter" was popular when I was in high school. Here are the lyrics. Unlike most of the songs I include, the overall intent of this song is not what I am attached to and only some of the lyrics speak to me. I put those in bold.

Heart of the Matter by Don Henley
I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old, true friend of ours was talkin on the phone
She said you'd found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And the struggles we went through
And how I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside loves open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?
I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again
Ive been tryin to get down
To the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think its about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
These times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
And people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age?
The trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill
I guess pride and competition
Cannot fill these empty arms
And the work I put between us
You know it doesn't keep me warm
I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you, baby
And the more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought Id figured out
I have to learn again
Ive been trying to get down
To the heart of the matter
But everything changes
And my friends seem to scatter
But I think its about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
There are people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down you know they hurt your pride
You better put it all behind you baby; life goes on
You keep carryin that anger; it'll eat you up inside, baby
Ive been trying to get down
To the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thought seem to scatter
But I think its about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me
I've been tryin to get down
To the heart of the matter
Because the flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinkin about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me
Forgiveness
Forgiveness - baby
Forgiveness
Forgiveness
Forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, you don't love me anymore

One night when I was in high school I had a dream that was extremely vivid. When I woke up, this song was playing on my alarm/radio. That was about 15 years ago and the dream is just as clear today as it was when I woke up. It always felt important somehow and to this day when I hear that song I am taken back to that dream so strong that it's almost like a flashback.

In that dream, I had been breaking into places, beating their security, and stealing large amounts of money. I remember a race track and a bank vault specifically though I know there were many more. So I would steal all this money then, the next day, I would return most of it along with details on how I was able to steal it and what they could do to tighten their security. And I kept part of the money for myself - payment for services rendered. Of course, that's not how the businesses and the police saw it. They were relentless in their pursuit. I always managed to evade them but eventually I just got too tired to keep running. So I went to the police station. As I walked along the sidewalk with the brick wall looming at my left side, the music came up and those words filled everything. I went through the first set of glass doors and I stopped. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Then I opened my eyes and pulled open the other set of doors. Stepping inside, I looked down the hallway and I saw two uniformed officers talking and drinking coffee. I waited as they looked up. Recognition lit in their eyes. "There he is!" they shouted and started to run down the hall towards me. (Yes, I was a guy. No idea why, I just was.) I raised my hands, closed my eyes and let them come.

(And I think it's about forgiveness...)

I can't explain it but this feels important, relevant. Maybe it's the surrendering to the admission of wrong-doing. Maybe it's the finally stopping and not running any more - not getting caught but rather making the conscious decision and deliberate action to stop running. Maybe the whole thing can be pulled apart and made to make sense. I don't know. But I think it's about forgiveness.

Perhaps forgiveness is about recognizing the wrong-doing, acknowledging that part of being human is making mistakes and some of them are pretty big. Look at the way I live my life now, the behaviors I engage in now and see that I'm not continuing down those paths and repeating similar patterns. Cut myself a little slack - understand why I did what I did. And remember that our past doesn't determine who we are - what we do with it makes us who we are. Let go of the idea that God hates me for it - I know better than that.

For that matter, let's go ahead and pull God into this. I can't presume to understand everything about God but based on what I've been taught, what I've learned throughout my life and what I believe, this is my best guess:

God knows what I did. He knows why I did it and what I thought and how I felt. He knows how I got to that point. And He knows where I went from there. There is no hiding from Him, thoughts, feelings, motives, anything.

I don't think God approves of what I did. Honestly, that's not because I think the act itself is wrong. In some cases, it is the right thing for their situation. What made it wrong is that I didn't stand up for what I truly believed and felt with every bit of my heart. I think I didn't follow His plan. And that is where I went wrong., very, very wrong.

The thing is - I know that God doesn't hate me for this. I know that He loves me no matter what. He's not mad still. I changed The Plan so The Plan changed, evolved and moved on. I hesitate to say that He forgives me because that, to me, implies that He was angry or upset in the first place and I don't think that's the case. I think it is more likely a case of "That's not My Will. That's not the way to express the Divine Light."

"There is but one power and one presence in my life and in the universe, God the good, omnipotent."

That's what I was taught and that's what I believe. God doesn't hate. He doesn't hold a grudge. God loves - period. And I think that God sees how I live my now, how I have been living my life since then. I think that my love for and dedication to my children shows who I am, shows that I am not repeating my past. I almost think it shows me making up for it, for lack of a better phrase.

So - if God doesn't hate me and isn't holding this over my head... why the hell am I? How can I possibly justify holding onto something that even God probably doesn't?

I screwed up in a truly horrendous way. But does that define who I am? I failed last quarter of senior English, completely due to my own behaviors. Does that make me stupid or a lousy or lazy student? It was one incident in my entire student career. (I was always an A/B student.) I don't think that one quarter "proved" me to be a bad student - and that was an entire quarter of repeated poor choices.

So does one instance of refusing to stand up for myself against everyone I love and I respect make me evil and doomed to be a bad mother regardless of what I do in the future for my children? Put that way, it doesn't make sense.

So. My shrink says it's time to forgive. My instincts tell me it's all about forgiveness. Spiritually, I don't see the logic in holding onto this. And experience and correlation don't follow through either. Everything says it's time and it's right. Everyone says it's time and it's right.

So....... can I let it go?

"And I think it's about forgiveness..." (Don Henley, The Heart of the Matter)