Baby Steps

Have you ever seen a baby learn to walk? She starts out unable to move without someone carrying her around. Then she begins to roll and still can't get anywhere but is likely to roll off of things and get hurt. Soon she gets the hang of flipping over and can see the world a little better but still isn't in a position to do much about it. Then she starts moving. Of course, she starts out going BACKWARDS! Then she inches forward and gains speed until she is crawling forward. At long last, she pulls herself up to her knees. Now she is getting really mobile but though she can move, she can't do anything else at the same time because her hands are busy moving her along. Around this time, she learns to stand up. Oh, what a new world this opens up! But she can't do anything but stare - it's all completely out of her reach. She begins to get the hang of holding on with one hand and grabbing with the other, still very dependent on the person or thing keeping her steady, but gaining more and more independence. The first few steps she takes on her own are hugely celebrated but still usually involve falling down on her rear and having to get up and start over again. Eventually she'll get the hang of things and won't fall as much. She'll pick up speed and agility and before you know, she'll be off and running leaving the parents wondering why they were so bloody anxious to have her mobile in the first place.

I think this is the same path that I am travelling. Paralyzed by myself and my life, I couldn't go anywhere emotionally without someone to carry me there. When I realized it, I started thrashing about but I never got anywhere but deeper into trouble. Every so often I would get flashes of insight that not everyone thought the way I do (did?) but I had no idea how to get there. When I decided I wanted to try, I started off going in the wrong direction. I did get moving in the right direction eventually but the process was so slow it felt like I wasn't moving at all and everything still seemed completely out of my grasp. Gradually I've pulled myself and have been trying to move along, and I've made tremendous progress. But although I am seeing things from a totally different place now, I still feel like I can't DO anything with this - my hands are still too busy holding on to things for balance to be of much use in handling and experiencing the world around me. My entire focus is on moving and learning to walk and it is all-consuming. At this point, I think I've really come far. I'm walking along the edge of the couch, holding on, falling often, but I'm upright and moving. I keep falling down (and I *don't* have a diaper to cushion my fall!) but I keep trying to get back up again.

The thing is, when a baby is learning to walk, people expect her to fall down. It seems to be different for me. Once I show that I can think or do something new and healthy, when I stumble and don't do it, people get more frustrated with me than if I'd never done it at all. It's very much a case of "you did it once, why aren't you doing it all the time???" Very black and white. Also, one set of healthy behaviors is expected to have direct correlation on other healthy behaviors. It's like, "Athletic people can ride bikes far and fast. Athletic people can run long and steady. So if you can ride far, why can't you run long?" If I can write a song in a day, why can't I clean the house during the day?

It's all quite frustrating. Not only am I travelling a path that is extremely difficult, frighteningly new, and totally out of character for me, I am also tripping and falling down along the way. And at every turn I am getting laid into for what I'm doing or not doing. I keep getting "That's great BUT..."

Maybe the part of the story where the dude with the mat getting yelled at for carrying it on the Sabbath had more to do with the healing miracle than I thought. Dude hadn't walked or carried his mat for 38 years. He finally manages to get up and do it and what happens? He gets yelled at.

"Wilt thou be healed?"

"That depends... am I going to get into trouble for it???"

Power Struggle - And I Lost

Wasn't going to go into a lot of detail about this, just going to make note of it. But it's kind of getting to me. I got into a bit of a power struggle with the Shrink this morning and quite honestly, I have no idea why. In fact, I didn't realize that's what it was until after I had left.

I had shown him a print-out of my post on Forgiveness which (mostly) pleased him. (He didn't like the part about it not being the act of what I did that is so wrong but rather why I did it. I knew that would be the case, but as I have said before, I don't censor this to fit anyone's opinion. It is the only time/place/space that I reserve this right and I wasn't about to break it for this.) I then showed him the lyrics to "I Miss You" (the song I wrote yesterday - I will probably post it) which pleased him immensely.

Let me take a mini time-out here to stress that I didn't make the post (or the thoughts in it) to please him or anyone else. Same with the song. They were all for me. I showed them to him with dual purpose though. I wanted him to see the progress I made this week (yay me!) - and, yes, I wanted to please him. But it was the showing not the doing that was people-pleasing.

So he commented that I seemed to have made a kind of epiphany, to which I replied (a la my father - LOL) "Yay me - I epiphed!" He gave me one of his patented looks. (The one that says "I'm having an important thought.") And I called him on it, as I usually do. I can't stand the idea of him thinking something about me that I haven't considered. And he started to say something then stopped and closed his mouth. He gave me his narrow-eyed, searching me look and said he didn't want to tell me.

I pressed, he balked. I continued to press and he stood his ground. He said he didn't want to "get in the way of (my) finding my own path" by telling me the thought he'd had. Oooo - that got to me! So I pressed harder and he still refused. So I got manipulative, twisting his words to say what I knew he wasn't saying in order to get him to tell me. And DAMMIT - it still didn't work. I managed to throw a massive guilt trip on him but still didn't get it out of him.

This is the first time EVER that I haven't won a power struggle with him. I've ALWAYS managed to get what I wanted out of or from him. I'm glad he was able to stand against me for what he believes is the right thing to do, but I am stunned that I actually lost the power struggle. I came very close two or three times to winning, very close.

So now there are two things going on in my head. First, I am obsessing over what he had been thinking and almost said before he changed his mind. What am I missing? What is he seeing that I'm not? Am I being an idiot and don't even know how? It can't be good or he would have said it. So what was it???

On the other hand, he kind of established a sense of authority. He is in charge and he is the leader of this pack and he does know what's best. For a long time it's been kind of an even playing field with him knowing more and doing better but remaining level with me for dominance. Which is good in theory but now that I really look at it, I am more comfortable with him a few notches higher than me.

Still...... I can't believe I lost. I never lose those. If I set my mind to something with everything I have - dammit, I get it. And... I didn't. Wow. Reality check - admittedly long overdue.

All of My Life by van Krezip

I was surfing the videos looking for one to fit the song Unwell (see post below this) and I stumbled across this clip. Now first off - DON'T PANIC!! I see the clip title and the comments and THAT IS NOT WHERE MY HEAD IS. But the lyrics in this small sample of the full song could have been pulled directly out of my head. So I'm including the clip but please don't worry about the title and the info remarks - honest.

I'm Not Crazy

(Hey! Why are you laughing so hard?! *wink*)

Saturday the kids stayed overnight at the SIL's. (She does this periodically - I think to remind herself why she never wants children.) Hubby had a late DJ Gig so it was just going to be me. Kid-2 suggested I throw a wild party. (Will have to keep an eye on her as she gets older...) Hubby said I should call my folks and see if they wanted to do dinner and hang out or something. I thought the idea of taking a nice long hot shower and doing absolutely nothing sounded good. Or maybe cleaning things up for the guest coming over Sunday. Or going to bed early and catching up on sleep (since I didn't get to that morning because Baby spent the night - another story for another time). Hubby got nervous.

Then it hit me - he didn't want me home by myself in the evening. It IS April and I HAVE been struggling some and I don't have a very good track record. (After all, ONE time I stayed home alone - when I was highly psychotic and manic yet depressed and dissociating constantly and had already stated I was going to stay in bed until the house fell down around me - and I ended up overdosing and nearly dying. So the 2 days a week that I spend at home alone JUST FINE mean absolutely nothing.)

So I called Baby-Mommy and told her I wouldn't have Hubby or the kids at home and wasn't that awesome hahaha and lo and behold, she was suddenly very insistent that we do a girl's night. Grrr. Fine. Whatever. So I picked up movies and dinner and went to her place and we had barely started the movie when the in-laws called my cell phone.

"Oh that's where you are. We tried you at home and didn't get an answer. We heard you were home alone tonight and thought you'd like to go to a movie with us." Awww, sweet... Except that they meant was, "You didn't answer the phone. You didn't do anything stupid did you? Why don't you let us babysit you?"

And before you accuse me of being over-sensitive or paranoid ("Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get me...) I know that's what they meant because I recognize the tone of voice. The MIL has asked me out to "do stuff" just because before and they have also called to check up on me before and the tone of voice is very different. This was definitely the latter.

So, fine. Whatever... I fully understand where they are coming from. I screwed up and nearly ruined everyone's lives because of it. And no one wants to put me in a situation where there could be a repeat of it. I do understand - I promise I do. But PEOPLE!! Pay attention to the surrounding circumstances...

In December, I was seriously messed up. I hadn't slept in weeks except in 1 or 2 hour stretches every couple of days. I was hallucinating and terrified. I had missed both my therapy appointment and my psychiatrist appointment (because of a school delay and the psychiatrist cancelling - not by choice). And I had a very frightening appointment with an OB-GYN that I had never seen and who had asked me some rather uncomfortable questions. I was off my anti-psychotic and trying a new mood stabilizer. And I had already gone to bed on Friday, pulled the covers over my head and declared I wasn't getting up again. So when I ODed on Sunday, I'm surprised that it came as a surprise to everyone.

Of course there is the fact that I intentionally did this last June. It had been my roughest Easter through May to date and I was ready to give up. I made all sorts of preparations and arrangements, wrote a note and attempted suicide. But I promised... I promised I wouldn't do that again. And coherent, I NEVER break my promises. I know that I am stuck here whether I want to be or not. I won't hurt the kids that way - I promised. And really I have been doing SO much better this year. I am working on FORGIVENESS for goodness sake!

Still... once bitten twice shy. And it's not like I'm the most forthcoming with what is going on in my head. I still can't seem to make myself let them in. Once again, fodder for another post. Or did I post on it already? *sigh* At any rate, I wish I could tell them, convince them, that this year will be different.

We went out to dinner last night and this song came on the radio while we were eating. I had forgotten how appropriate it is. I fully intended to use a Supernatural video (or perhaps a Doctor Who one) for this but came across this one while I was searching and... WOW.

Unwell - Matchbox Twenty


The lyrics:

All day
Staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night
Hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something
Hold on
I'm feeling like I'm headed for a
Breakdown
I don't know why
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
Me
Talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
I know
I know they've all been talking 'bout me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong
With me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow
I've lost my mind
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
I been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're taking me away
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
Hey, how I used to be
How I used to be, yeah
Well I'm just a little unwell
How I used to be
How I used to be

And I Think It's About Forgiveness

What is forgiveness?


Forgiveness

Pardon\, remission \remission\

Usage: Forgiveness, Pardon. Forgiveness is Anglo-Saxon, and pardon Norman French, both implying a giving back. The word pardon, being early used in our Bible, has, in religious matters, the same sense as forgiveness; but in the language of common life there is a difference between them, such as we often find between corresponding Anglo-Saxon and Norman words. Forgive points to inward feeling, and suppose alienated affection; when we ask forgiveness, we primarily seek the removal of anger. Pardon looks more to outward things or consequences, and is often applied to trifling matters, as when we beg pardon for interrupting a man, or for jostling him in a crowd. The civil magistrate also grants a pardon, and not forgiveness. The two words are, therefore, very clearly distinguished from each other in most cases which relate to the common concerns of life. Forgiver \For*giv"er\, n. One who forgives. --Johnson. Webster's Revised Unabridged Dictionary, © 1996, 1998 MICRA, Inc.


But what does that MEAN? How does that apply to one's behavior and thoughts and emotions? What is forgiveness? I know some things that it is not. It is not saying it's okay. It's not forgetting about it. It's not deciding that it wasn't your fault. It isn't saying it's no big deal.

So what is it?

An old song by Don Henley comes to mind at this point. "Heart of the Matter" was popular when I was in high school. Here are the lyrics. Unlike most of the songs I include, the overall intent of this song is not what I am attached to and only some of the lyrics speak to me. I put those in bold.

Heart of the Matter by Don Henley
I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old, true friend of ours was talkin on the phone
She said you'd found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And the struggles we went through
And how I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside loves open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?
I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again
Ive been tryin to get down
To the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think its about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
These times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
And people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age?
The trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill
I guess pride and competition
Cannot fill these empty arms
And the work I put between us
You know it doesn't keep me warm
I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you, baby
And the more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought Id figured out
I have to learn again
Ive been trying to get down
To the heart of the matter
But everything changes
And my friends seem to scatter
But I think its about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
There are people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down you know they hurt your pride
You better put it all behind you baby; life goes on
You keep carryin that anger; it'll eat you up inside, baby
Ive been trying to get down
To the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thought seem to scatter
But I think its about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me
I've been tryin to get down
To the heart of the matter
Because the flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinkin about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me
Forgiveness
Forgiveness - baby
Forgiveness
Forgiveness
Forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, you don't love me anymore

One night when I was in high school I had a dream that was extremely vivid. When I woke up, this song was playing on my alarm/radio. That was about 15 years ago and the dream is just as clear today as it was when I woke up. It always felt important somehow and to this day when I hear that song I am taken back to that dream so strong that it's almost like a flashback.

In that dream, I had been breaking into places, beating their security, and stealing large amounts of money. I remember a race track and a bank vault specifically though I know there were many more. So I would steal all this money then, the next day, I would return most of it along with details on how I was able to steal it and what they could do to tighten their security. And I kept part of the money for myself - payment for services rendered. Of course, that's not how the businesses and the police saw it. They were relentless in their pursuit. I always managed to evade them but eventually I just got too tired to keep running. So I went to the police station. As I walked along the sidewalk with the brick wall looming at my left side, the music came up and those words filled everything. I went through the first set of glass doors and I stopped. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Then I opened my eyes and pulled open the other set of doors. Stepping inside, I looked down the hallway and I saw two uniformed officers talking and drinking coffee. I waited as they looked up. Recognition lit in their eyes. "There he is!" they shouted and started to run down the hall towards me. (Yes, I was a guy. No idea why, I just was.) I raised my hands, closed my eyes and let them come.

(And I think it's about forgiveness...)

I can't explain it but this feels important, relevant. Maybe it's the surrendering to the admission of wrong-doing. Maybe it's the finally stopping and not running any more - not getting caught but rather making the conscious decision and deliberate action to stop running. Maybe the whole thing can be pulled apart and made to make sense. I don't know. But I think it's about forgiveness.

Perhaps forgiveness is about recognizing the wrong-doing, acknowledging that part of being human is making mistakes and some of them are pretty big. Look at the way I live my life now, the behaviors I engage in now and see that I'm not continuing down those paths and repeating similar patterns. Cut myself a little slack - understand why I did what I did. And remember that our past doesn't determine who we are - what we do with it makes us who we are. Let go of the idea that God hates me for it - I know better than that.

For that matter, let's go ahead and pull God into this. I can't presume to understand everything about God but based on what I've been taught, what I've learned throughout my life and what I believe, this is my best guess:

God knows what I did. He knows why I did it and what I thought and how I felt. He knows how I got to that point. And He knows where I went from there. There is no hiding from Him, thoughts, feelings, motives, anything.

I don't think God approves of what I did. Honestly, that's not because I think the act itself is wrong. In some cases, it is the right thing for their situation. What made it wrong is that I didn't stand up for what I truly believed and felt with every bit of my heart. I think I didn't follow His plan. And that is where I went wrong., very, very wrong.

The thing is - I know that God doesn't hate me for this. I know that He loves me no matter what. He's not mad still. I changed The Plan so The Plan changed, evolved and moved on. I hesitate to say that He forgives me because that, to me, implies that He was angry or upset in the first place and I don't think that's the case. I think it is more likely a case of "That's not My Will. That's not the way to express the Divine Light."

"There is but one power and one presence in my life and in the universe, God the good, omnipotent."

That's what I was taught and that's what I believe. God doesn't hate. He doesn't hold a grudge. God loves - period. And I think that God sees how I live my now, how I have been living my life since then. I think that my love for and dedication to my children shows who I am, shows that I am not repeating my past. I almost think it shows me making up for it, for lack of a better phrase.

So - if God doesn't hate me and isn't holding this over my head... why the hell am I? How can I possibly justify holding onto something that even God probably doesn't?

I screwed up in a truly horrendous way. But does that define who I am? I failed last quarter of senior English, completely due to my own behaviors. Does that make me stupid or a lousy or lazy student? It was one incident in my entire student career. (I was always an A/B student.) I don't think that one quarter "proved" me to be a bad student - and that was an entire quarter of repeated poor choices.

So does one instance of refusing to stand up for myself against everyone I love and I respect make me evil and doomed to be a bad mother regardless of what I do in the future for my children? Put that way, it doesn't make sense.

So. My shrink says it's time to forgive. My instincts tell me it's all about forgiveness. Spiritually, I don't see the logic in holding onto this. And experience and correlation don't follow through either. Everything says it's time and it's right. Everyone says it's time and it's right.

So....... can I let it go?

"And I think it's about forgiveness..." (Don Henley, The Heart of the Matter)

Wilt Thou Be Healed?

John 5:2-9

My paraphrasing: Jesus goes to this pool where people afflicted with all manner of disabling conditions hang out. They are there because angels stir up the water and the first one in afterwards gets a miracle cure. He sees this dude who has been there for 38 years. And he asks the dude (who doesn't know who he is) "Wilt thou be healed?" The guy gives him the excuse that no one will carry him to the water so someone always beats him there after the angels' visits. Jesus tells him to stand up, pick up his mat and walk. POOF - dude is healed, gets up and walks away. (He then gets busted for carrying his mat on the Sabbath which may actually be the point of the story but has no bearing on my current thoughts.)

I recently read an article that expanded upon this story and added some hypothetical details. It basically said that the miracle was not in the healing but rather in the being willing to be healed. In the struggle to stand, the willingness to accept help, the determination to rise and take up his mat and walk again after 38 years. It mentioned such questions that might have gone through the man's mind such as how will he get a job after being out of it for 38 years? What if he starves because he has no way to support himself and no support from the community any more? What if he fails in meeting the new expectations? What if he doesn't? But the man rose, took up his mat and walked away. (Where he promptly got yelled at for doing so - how appropriate!)

It really hit home on one of my most sensitive areas regarding my functioning capacity. Next to the damage I am inflicting upon my children by not performing to standards, worrying that I am not better because I don't want it enough is very high on my list. Am I somehow not working as hard as I could because I am afraid of being well? Am I letting myself stay miserable because I don't know how I can reintegrate into society and the job market when I become well? Am I still struggling simply because I am too lazy and spoiled and selfish to snap out of it?

Really - is that what I am supposed to do? "Snap out of it" ? Do I just need to rise, take up my mat and walk? I want to be well! I want to feel good and perform appropriately. I want to want to live. But do I not want it enough and am just too self-deceiving to see it?

Taking a Moment to Laugh

Okay, I'm tired of being depressed. It sucks. And Mondays suck plenty without being depressed on top of it. So here are a list of things that amuse me, places I turn when I need a laugh, and things that are so stupid that I can't help but laugh...

My Favorite YouTube clip to make me laugh:
Not Yet Dead


A few others that I really like:
Supernatural:
I Want a REAL Winchester Hug
Dean's Therapy Session
Sam's Therapy Session
The Great Winchester Debate

***********

I lost my train of thought here. Things got chaotic and by the time I got back to the computer, all of my happy thoughts had flown away. I will try to remember more of them and update this later....

The only thing I remember from before I left off was the shirt I saw that sparked the whole thing. It read:

You cry...
I cry.
You laugh...
I laugh.
You fall off a cliff...
I laugh even harder.

It struck me funny and I started to giggle and couldn't stop. It was good to laugh again.

Deja Vu

When I was a senior in high school, I used to get deja vu a lot. I'm not talking about that creepy feeling that I've been there, done that. This is so much more intense. It is a physical sensation, a process with a predictable progression and cessation. It starts with the standard "wait this looks familiar" thoughts. Then my head feels like a camera that does one of those funky shots where they zoom way in something, back out very quickly, zoom in again then back out to normal. It will do that on 3 or 4 key elements in my sight or sound environment accompanied by screaming in my head listing the things that are the same and the things, if any, that are different. Then my chest tightens up. My stomach turns to ice and the cold radiates succinctly out to encompass my entire chest and abdomen. By back muscles tense and spasm, my stomach cramps like I've going to vomit and my head gets that hideous pressure like sneezing violently with severely clogged sinuses. The muscle spasms ease off but the pressure in my head swells and ebbs and swells and ebbs and swells and ebbs. Then everything relaxes like a wave rolling back off the beach into the ocean. Usually it leaves behind a headache, sometimes that headache is a full-blown migraine.

Like I said, I used to get this A LOT in high school. And it was always followed within an hour by a skull-crushing migraine. Then they eased off and I didn't get any for a couple of years. When I was pregnant with Kid-2, they returned with a vengeance, but they were peculiar because instead of a visual zoom on specific elements of interest, there was a hand motion that seemed to be associated with it, a thought and feeling of it being a toggle of some kind. It too was followed by the crippling migraines. Those lasted for about 3 months towards the end of my pregnancy (like months 6, 7, and 8). Then they disappeared again. Since then, I have gotten the deja vu rarely, but I have gotten it.

At one point during my research on migraines, I was reading about the aura preceding a migraine that a lot of people get. I had always thought the aura referred to seeing lights and such. But I found that these auras can be any sense: seeing lights or getting light-sensitive, hearing sounds like birds or bells or someone's voice, smells like lemons or flowers, feeling the touch of a specific fabric against your skin (that isn't there) or just a feeling pressure on your skin where there is none, or tasting something in your mouth like iron or strawberries. While visual auras are by far the most common before migraines, the others are well-documented also.

So I got to thinking about this deja vu I always got right before my migraines and I wondered if it was a kind of aura, like temporal instead of visual. It messes with my sense of time and space. It always made sense to me. So I kind of accepted that and moved on.

But now the deja vu is back, again with a vengeance. Daily, sometimes twice a day, it comes on stronger than it ever was in high school and in '97. And about the half the time a nasty migraine follows. But only half the time... And this time it is accompanied by major panic attacks, the kind with cold sweats and spazzing heart rhythms and hyperventilating and sometimes even crying.

So what is this? Where it is coming from? Why is affecting me this way? What should I do to make it stop? Why do I feel like it is somehow... I dunno, important?






Okay. I tried to find a song and a video to put with this but the only song I could come up with is Again and Again by The Bird and The Bee (off the Grey's Anatomy Season 3 Soundtrack) and the only videos I could worth watching were Grey's fanvids. Somehow that didn't fit the concept so I gave up... Let's try a couple of quotes instead:

We have all some experience of a feeling, that comes over us occasionally, of what we are saying and doing having been said and done before, in a remote time - of our having been surrounded, dim ages ago, by the same faces, objects, and circumstances - of our knowing perfectly what will be said next, as if we suddenly remember it! --Dickens in David Copperfield - chapter 39


Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. -- Steven Wright

This is like deja vu all over again. -- Yogi Berra

Happy Happy Happy

Today I was perky! I got up before the alarm and put on my spring shirt. I did my hair and I smiled and laughed. I talked about happy things, positive topics of conversation. I smiled and laughed and responded with witty or sarcastic remarks to well-meaning if uncomfortable questions. I sat up straight and held my shoulders back and I walked without dragging my feet. I played with Kid-3 while we waited for the Shrink and I joked with the other kids before dinner.

I was perky!

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LOL

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Want the real story?

I WAS perky! And I did do all those all those things I said. (Did you think I was LYING? *raised eyebrow*) But I used the facts like statistics - I made them say what I wanted them to. The fact is, I got up early because I never went to sleep. And I forced the perkiness with every ounce of strength in me. I was working on the "fake it til you make it" theory and let me tell you, it doesn't work the way they say it should.

By 2 o'clock, I had a migraine so bad I had to take triple the dose of my anti-nausea med just to keep from throwing up. And I was exhausted. And did I end up feeling the perkiness I was portraying? HELL NO! I smiled because I practiced it. I held my shoulders back because I reminded myself to do it. I held positive conversations because I rehearsed them ahead of time. Everything I did to be perky was a carefully created set of conscious behaviors. I didn't FEEL perky, not even listening to Sarah describe how to be Happy Happy Happy.

On the other hand, I steered clear of the "May" issue in therapy this morning, focusing instead on parenting techniques. (We have instituted Essay Writing as consequences for sibling fighting. This should be interesting. *rolls eyes*) The Med-Shrink commented that I've lost weight. (Um, no, doc, but thanks.) And offered to have me not come back for two months. (Um, no, I think I'd better check in next month. I haven't made it through this season without ending up in the hospital in what? 4 years? 5? I am determined this year to stay away, but it brings with it a desperation of sorts, this feeling of being irrevocably trapped. So I think I'd best come again next month.) My SIL said I looked "great! It's good to see you happy again!" Daddy smiled and laughed and joked with me at lunch. And my FIL said it's good to see me doing so well.

Being perky made everyone else so much more comfortable around me today. Why can't I be like that all the time? Even if I don't feel it, why can't I do it? It took everything I had just to hold it up for 7 hours and I simply couldn't keep the mask up any longer. I feel like I've been hit by a truck.

How did women in the 50's do it? They cooked and cleaned and raised the children and supported their husbands and stifled their own hopes and dreams to lift up other people's. They smiled when they wanted to cry and dropped their gaze when they wanted to fight back. How did they do that? I want to turn off me and be them. Remember the movie The Stepford Wives? And how it was just "awful" to turn those women into robots that acted perfectly? All I can say is SIGN ME UP!!! I want to WANT to vacuum in heels and pearls.

But all I want to do is sleep. I want to hide away in the world of dreams and illusions. And if I can't actually sleep, I'll settle for staying "Underwater" - that place right before you fall asleep or wake up where you are not quite in either world. I want to stay safe in that dimension where everything makes sense even when it makes no sense.

I can't leave. I can't do that to my kids. I can't destroy their lives because I despise myself. I still think they would be better off with a different mother. Hubby would be better off with a different wife. But I can't force it on them without irreparably damaging them. So I have to stay - for them. I don't want to be here, not at all. But I don't have the choice of leaving.

Well, technically I DO have the choice. We *always* have a choice, as the Shrink once told me (then tried to take back when he didn't like where I took my agreement with his statement). It is that hideous ability to make these choices that has defined me. Given the opportunity I will make the wrong choice every time. I CHOSE Him over telling. I CHOSE Hubby over Katy. I CHOSE to have my kids. I CHOOSE to sleep when I should be acting perky. I CHOOSE to be depressed too, if the vast majority of people in my life are correct.

Is it any wonder that I abhor making decisions, even simple ones? As a child, my decisions were always wrong. I chose to act out and chose to let Him protect me. And look what happened there - the second worst set of choices I have ever made. Choices regarding Mom were completely unpredictable - one time she would be thrilled, the next she would be livid. It's not like I was always wrong; I could have learned from that. I was always confused, had no idea what criteria to use for making decisions and judgements. The older I got, the more trouble my decisions seem to cause. Every choice I made reinforced every fear I had. All the way up until I made my worst choice ever, one I can never fix or take back, one that haunts me every day.

I see her everywhere. I know the life she should have. She is as real as the others in my dreams and I get seriously confused upon waking to find things aren't as they should be. I have to stop myself from having conversations with her when I am awake because no one else has ever known her. I can see her, I can hear her, I can SMELL her... but I can never touch her. And it hurts so bad, knowing what I did.

Please God... I don't want to be here. I can't leave my children - they would blame themselves even though that is so far from the truth that it isn't even funny. But I don't want to be here. Please can I wake up now? This has to be a dream, please let this just be one helluva nightmare.

"Please God, make me a bird so I can fly far, far away from here..."
"Please God, make me a bird so I can fly far, far away from here..."
"Please God, make me a bird so I can fly far, far away from here..."
"Please God, make me a bird so I can fly far, far away from here..."
"Please God, make me a bird so I can fly far, far away from here..."
"Please God, make me a bird so I can fly far, far away from here..."
"Please God, make me a bird so I can fly far, far away from here..."
(Jenny, Forrest Gump)

New Song

I went looking for a song that matched my mood or my thoughts. I couldn't seem to latch on to just the right one from my repertoire. Of course, I got distracted following links from one song to another and I came across this song completely by accident. One line in and I began to cry. It didn't hit the nail on the head but it has a few phrases that are pages directly out of my heart.



I'm still looking for the "perfect" song...

BTW - This is "Where You Are" by Josh Groban