Where'd THAT Come From?

I just read my last post. I ought to read my posts more often. Where'd that last bit come from? I remember feeling so lost and alone and empty last night. And I remember thinking I couldn't even talk to anyone about how I felt because they would try to tell me why what I was feeling was wrong and that always makes me feel worse. I remember wondering what I would tell someone else if they said to me what I would say if I could say what I was feeling. And the rest is history...

So, the question begs... if I can talk myself through feeling like I did last night, why don't I do it all the time? And am I imagining things or does it actually sound as if two people are talking?

AAAAARG! If I can do it once, I should be able to do it every time. And yet today when I tried it, I couldn't get the positive objectivity of that countering Voice. I read through last night's post and it helped some but I couldn't duplicate it to pull myself out today.

One thing I noticed - some of the things that were in that conversation were things that no one else could possibly know to say to me. I have a feeling this is relevant to why I can't/won't talk to other people. I just need to find and make the connection...

"And it is also said," answered Frodo: "Go not to the elves for counsel for they will say both yes and no."
"Is it indeed?" laughed Gildor. "Elves seldom give unguarded advice, for advice is a dangerous gift, even from the wise to the wise, and all courses may run ill."
(Lord of the Rings - Fellowship of the Ring)

Blank Stare and Talking to Myself

darkness

despair

desire to be more than i am

blind to understand how i could get there

every step forward shows me how far there is to go

maybe ignorance really is bliss

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if i could talk to someone right now... what would i say? everything i am thinking upsets people. it is the same story every time: feelings aren't right or wrong... but i am wrong when i feel the way i do now.

if i could talk to someone right now... what would i want THEM to say to me?

it hurts. i can't stop crying. i feel like everything i do is wrong. it is either motivated by the wrong things, or the behavior itself is wrong, or my reaction to the behavior is wrong. i want to close the doors again and give up. i want to go back inside my hole, into the back of a dark closet, go back into my own little world. in my world, things made sense to me, even when no one else understood me. can i just go back to not knowing, to not even knowing that i don't know?

i know you don't want to hurt. growing is often a painful process. but growth is the natural way of things. how does that go with your kids?

"i didn't say you could grow up. who said you could grow up?" "God" "well, i guess i can't argue with that"

exactly. and like it or not, you are god's child, god is in you, and god says you can grow up.

i don't believe in God.

you're talking to yourself, remember? i know better. i know just how close you really are with God, even if you deny it to the world. and it doesn't matter whether you believe in God or not because God believes in you. what did you used to say when you were little?

God takes good care of us when we let Him.

that's right. it's time to grow. growth, change, is difficult, and it hurts. but it happens for a reason. it happens in the time frame it is meant to follow. you ARE growing, so it is time. look how far you've come! listen to the light inside you that is shining on everything you can be...

but it does hurt. and it is hard. and i am tired of hurting, tired of fighting. starting to see where i could go, where i could be... it makes it seem so much farther away. this is like climbing a mountain. it was surrounded by clouds before and i saw nothing when i looked up. now they are starting to clear and while i am starting to see things, sometimes wonderful things, i also see how very far away the top of this mountain is. i don't think i am strong enough to climb that far.

it is just one step at a time. step over each rock as you come to it. stand on the rocks to get to the next rock. sometimes you are going to have to have stretch and sometimes it feels like the rocks are slipping beneath your feet, but you can do this. i know you can do this because you ARE doing this. what have you learned that is brand new that you never acknowledged before, even in the dark corners where no one could hear? it's okay, you can say it. no one will hurt you with it.

i am very good at understanding people, at seeing the subtleties and the nuances. i have helped people before not by fluke but by skill, by a gift. i am observant and sensitive and i can see things how they do and meet them where they are at.

wow! do you have any idea how big that just was? could you have done that a year ago? 6 months ago? 3 months ago? even just ONE month ago?

but it hurt!!

why?

because i feel like i am going to be told it's not me, that i'm not special for this, even that it isn't true. and because if it is true, there is one more thing i should be able to do and am not doing. it's another failure.

it's not another failure, even though it feels like it because it is new and it is big. someone may tell you those things. i can't promise they won't. but i can tell you that not every one can do what you can. and you already use your gifts. you know what to say to a friend who is hurting. you notice when your children are hurting, even when they are hiding it. you know just by looking at someone how they are feeling and you react to that in a way is beneficial.

beneficial to me. just call me happy bunny.

a healthy relationship, even just a healthy transaction, involves BOTH parties benefiting. that means you too. and you can learn to use your gift, your skills, in bigger and better and more meaningful ways as you go, at your own pace. and that is God's pace.

"Welcome to wherever you are..."

Bon Jovi, yes. right here, right now, you're exactly where you're supposed to be.

what if i don't want to be here? what if want to quit and go back to the way it was?

you can make that choice. you can choose, right here, right now, to shut down, to deny everything that hurts. you can make that choice.

it would hurt so many people...

yes, it would. but that shouldn't be your reason for not doing it. the reason needs to come from inside you. you need to decide to grow because it is the right thing to do for YOU. as you grow, you will be able to help others more. you don't have to do anything. and don't choose to keep going simply to not hurt other people.

then i choose to quit. it's too hard and i am tired.

"you chose... wisely."

indiana jones and the last crusade. wait - did you say wisely? i just said i'm quitting.

do you know how muscles get stronger? when you exercise them, it creates tiny tears in them. the tears then fill in with more muscle. but if you don't give those tears a chance to fill in, you will only create a damaging kind of tear. work the muscles, then rest and let them grow into place. then work them some more and rest again.

so it's okay to back off?

it's good. you need to process what you're learning. you need to become okay with it. then you can step onto another rock and reach for a higher one.

"you sleep now, mommy."

sixth sense. how appropriate. yes, you sleep now...

A Hailstorm of Thoughts

I don't know that I can stick to one line of thoughts here and I don't really even feel like trying. So many things wandering around in my mind, bouncing off each other or overlapping. Not many make much sense. And most of them contradict each other, sometimes completely.

My current favorite song is Breathe In, Breathe Out by Mat Kearney. I am all about breathing as a means of controlling my emotional state and my physical state. So any song that features breathing is likely to get my attention. This song was especially likely to be noticed because it is featured prominently on the Grey's Anatomy Season 3 Soundtrack. And then there's the song itself. I love its sound and feel. Finally, we get down to the lyrics. "Breathe in, breathe out, tell me all of your doubts; Everybody bleeds this way, just the same." I'm not going to rehash the exact things I originally said about the song and the lyrics so here's the link to my post on it:

"Breathe In, Breathe Out"

I will say that I wish I had someone to hold the other line. The ironic thing is... I do. I have several people that I should be able to talk to, to go to when I need help, when I need someone to tell me to "make it through another night" and yet I can't seem to talk about it. This must be one of my greatest puzzles about myself. Why can't I say I feel when I'm hurting? Why can't I let myself trust people who have proven themselves trustworthy? Why does saying something out loud give it so much power in my mind? And why can't I use that power instead of fearing it? WHY CAN'T I TALK TO ANYONE?

I am sinking again. All I want to do is cry. The desire to escape is so strong that I found myself checking out MapQuest for places I could go to get away. I want to quit. I don't want to keep fighting. I don't want to fight to get better. I just want to BE better. How can I possibly climb this mountain?

Ingrid Michaelson sings my theme song. Keep Breathing says everything I feel. "I want to change the world. Instead, I sleep...... and all I can do is keeping breathing."

I seem to have an actual block against housework. I have been reading about motivation lately (in trying to find a way to get to Kid-1 to read and write) and I'm realizing that this lack of housekeeping on my part goes way deeper than a lack of motivation. I can force myself to do many things that I don't want to do, that I am scared of doing, that actually cause me pain. I can make myself do them anyway by finding the right motivation to do it. But cleaning things up, most notably general straightening and picking things up, I can't make myself do on my own no matter what thoughts I dangle in front of my mind. I can "yes, I will do this" to things I am too ashamed to write about and yet I cannot make myself clean off the kitchen table unless Craig is standing beside me telling me "do it now" and I absolutely have no way out. Even then, I get nervous and tense and twitchy the whole time. This cannot simply be a product of laziness - can it? There has to be more going on. I just have absolutely NO IDEA what it is...

Lately I feel like my life is one series of unanswered questions after another. Some are just lack of knowledge - things I wish I knew more about. Some are lack of insight - why did that person do that? Some are lack of confidence - is this true about me? A great deal is lack of context and/or experience - what would happen under this set of circumstances? I often find myself thinking (with a great deal of frustration attached) WHERE CAN I FIND THIS INFORMATION? The question is often followed closely by, "and when do I have time to learn it?" Of course, I have no answers to those questions either...

I wish technology and/or my typing/handwriting could keep up with my ideas. Thoughts zipping around in my mind are sometimes worth saving but I don't have the technology to make them happen (as with composing music videos in my head) or the speed to write them down (as with scenes or snatches of dialog for a story) or even the ability to render them as they exist in my mind. I have pictures in my head that I have no way of getting out, songs that wind their way through my thoughts that I have not the talent (knowledge? technology?) to transfer to a musical score. There are also so many things I want to research that I simply haven't had (or taken) the time to do so. My thoughts far exceed my energy and time management skills.

Stray thought... what really would happen if I had the nerve and the ability to say the things I think about?

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear." Ambrose Redmoon

Let You Down - Three Days Grace

Therapy today... Baby-Mommy and Craig both asked me how it went. Why couldn't I tell them? Why can't I let them in even when they ask point blank? Why can't I bring it up on my own? Some things I can't say. Some words I can't say - some I can't even hear without looking away. WHY? They are just words... And I am in love with words and yet have no power over them at times... It is intensely frustrating. But I digress (as I so often do.)

The Shrink has been doing an unusually good job of keeping me on target. For the past two weeks he has made a concerted effort to bring me back to the task at hand. The task at hand is "the shame and self-hatred that is holding me back" - his words, not mine. We dance and dodge around the far past. I think he has consciously chosen not to keep trying to fight me on the issue of how much blame I bear.

Perhaps it is like fighting with the mother over her health: eventually backing off is the only viable course until progress in other areas can be made. Or perhaps I frustrate him too badly for him to keep going round and about it with me... he doesn't know the whole story and his placement of blame on anyone other than myself is based despite large pieces of missing information. Or perhaps he thinks the more recent topic is more vital to be addressed right now. For whatever reason, he allows me to skirt the far past but pulls me back in over Katy.

I am listening to him. I hear what he says and I am processing it and I am trying to wrap my head around the concept he is placing before me. He has taken a step in my direction, admitting that I have some responsibility in that fateful decision, although we disagree on how much. But it gives us common ground to work with and I have taken a step towards him, trying to internalize his concepts on forgiveness, reparations, acceptance and moving on. It is difficult. But I am trying.

The title of this post refers to him. He is either very good or very lucky. I suspect he has more instinct than book-smarts and would even go so far as to say some of the things he does that work so well, he doesn't even know he is doing, not intentionally at least. He has very subtle ways of lifting me up. He makes small comments that hit home and I don't think he sets out to do it. His instincts may tell him when he has hit a hot spot, but I don't think he preplans them. He lays a quiet foundation of confidence beneath me. It is like an unspoken assumption that I have potential at least as great as the most confident parts of me want to embrace.

I told him today of my "recent" obsession over the question WHY. How tracing things back from where they are to how they began by continually challenging with WHY is so fascinating and enlightening and just plain FUN. His face kind of blanked out for a minute - it was the look Craig gets when I start speaking about writing or books. I thought I had bored him or somehow crossed a boundary I didn't even know existed. And I called him on it. He looked surprised. Said his mind had gone somewhere else. When I asked him where, he looked me dead in the eye and, without laughing at me as he so often does, said, "That's what I do."

I knew that. I know that. Deep inside me, I want to know what he knows, help like he helps, make the kind of difference he makes. But the way he said it and the tone in his voice and the look in his eye right before, during and immediately after... it was like an unspoken implication that I *could* do what he does.

And so he lifts me up. But I am afraid of heights, metaphorically as well as literally. I am so afraid that I will let him down. What if I can't live up to what he sees in me? And so the song by Three Days Grace plays in my head over and over. "And when you finally trust me, finally believe in me, I will let you down!!"

Here The Doctor and Rose dance that to that fragile concept in the following YouTube clip to the song "Let You Down" by Three Days Grace...

Better Bring the Cheese...

'Cause here comes the whine!

I am in a bad mood.

I have been in a bad mood for 2 and half weeks. This is not my standard "so depressed I want to kill myself" bad mood nor is it my "someone has messed with my loved ones and is going to pay for it" bad mood. This is more a self-pitying, life-hating, disgruntled-postal-worker kind of bad mood. The kind that makes me want to wring the neck of anyone who comes within throttling distance. I'm irritated and snippy. Instead of having to bite back apologies and tears and I find myself having to generate apologies for biting people's heads off and stifle nasty comments. Truth be told, I feel almost... angry.

Me.

Angry.

(Yes, you can faint now.) So this begs the question of the week... WHY?

Why am I angry? Who am I angry at? Why now? And what do I do about it? Anger is one of those feelings which I have labelled "unacceptable" except in cases of protecting my family or directed at myself. And while this is certainly still drected at myself - that hasn't changed - I am finding myself increasingly angry at other people. Stupid little things make me want to run and hide to keep from hurting someone. And I always feel on the edge of either screaming at someone or crying.

Then there are times when I sink into this dark pit, my own private hell, where there seems to be no point to anything at all. I don't see options then, only the kind of hopelessness that comes from surrending one's will to care. It is one step below the "the only light at the end of the tunnel is that of an oncoming train" stage.

I don't like being angry. I tend to isolate anyways but I have even been avoiding things I normally enjoy. I didn't even want to go to Thanksgiving at my parents' house and I normally enjoy that. I don't like having negative feelings towards others because I can't control that. I can't change other people; I can only change myself. So when contronted the possibility of getting upset with someone else, I find a way to make it okay: make it my fault instead of theirs or just understand where they are coming from. But I don't have a particular target for anger so I can't wrap my head around this to convert it.

There has to be something constructive I can do with this anger. It is giving me a kind of strength that I don't normally have. The kind of strength that gives a person the ability to maintain eye contact with an enemy they know is stronger and more dangerous. And it is coupled with a shut-down mechanism that takes me too far down to do any damage. So there has to be something I can do with this anger. I just don't know what. And I don't know how to ask for help figuring it out...

"anger: a strong feeling of displeasure and belligerence aroused by a wrong; wrath; ire." (from Dictionary.com)

Song Lyrics

In trying to think of an appropriate title for this post, all I could think of were a wide variety of song lyrics...

"There's a girl/ I used to know..."
"Open the door/ and let me in"
"What a girl wants/ what a girl gets"
"You've got a friend in me"
"I hate everyone. I hate everyone."
"If silence keeps you, I, I will break it for you"
And, of course, "It is lonely in the dark"

I have friends who tell me everything. I know about their love lives, their kids' lives, their nightmares and their secrets. I know their dirty laundry and the things they feel that they hope no one can see. I know the good, the bad and the ugly.

On television, Addison just broke down sobbing against her best friend Naomi after a particularly horrible day. On Grey's Anatomy, Christina knows all of Meredeth's shit and Meredeth knows all of Christina's shit and they both basically spread their shit around. On Dark Angel, Max tells Cindy everything. On Supernatural, the boys fight like brothers but they talk to each other like true friends. In Evan Marshall's novel writing plan, one of the key characters is always the confidant.

Everyone has someone that they can talk to. Someone they can say what they are really feeling without dodging or pretending or hoping the topic happens to come up. What's wrong with me? Why am I so afraid to just say what I am thinking? Everything that comes out of my mouth goes through layers of filters and censors, even when I am being super-bitchy like this past week, I haven't been able to tell anyone why. My poor Craig! He doesn't understand why I shut him out, as he says. He doesn't know what is going on in my head. He has no idea why I turn him away and turn him away and turn him away until he gets so frustrated that he doesn't give me a choice any more. And I can't tell him.

I have a best friend. Baby-Mommy is my best friend. I know everything about her life, even things she doesn't think I know. And she can tell me anything - and does. But I can't tell her what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling.

My latest thing is to play 4 year old and greet everything with the question, "Why?" So, WHY won't I let anyone in? Why can't I just tell people what I am thinking and feeling? Why am I always afraid it will be used against me when logic tells me that is irrational? This time, I don't have an answer.

I can say a lot of things on here. And they often lead to conversations with my guardian angel about them. But there are so many things I don't even put in here. The Shrink tacked on the phrase "unless there's more you're not telling me" to the end of one of his statements. I responded that I don't lie to which he calmly pointed out that I may not lie, but often evade and even more often leave things out. Why do I do that? Just because I put something in here doesn't obligate my guardian angel to bring it up in conversation and I'm nearly positive he knows that. So I don't think it would be putting undue stress on him to post here. And I am PAYING the shrink to listen to me tell him things. So I should be able to tell him my crap. My husband is supposed to be my life-partner with whom I share everything. And certainly I should be able to confide in my best friend.

Why have I written my own story without a confidant? Evan Marshall would not be impressed...

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?!?!?!

"Your first story was better." (Miracle Max to Inigo, "The Princess Bride")

PS - HAPPY THANKSGIVING! I am so thankful for all the many blessings in my life. I truly appreciate all the wonderful things I get to experience and the miraculous people in my life. "God takes good care of us when we let him..." -J:SV

Do You Know What I Did Today?

In the movie The Sixth Sense, there is a scene between the mother and the boy where she says, "Do you know what I did today?" and proceeds to describe winning the lottery, quitting all her jobs, swimming in a public fountain and other "pipe dreams" that are fun and obviously didn't happen. Then she asks the boy what he did that day and he tells of being picked first for kickball at recess and scoring the winning run and other things along the lines of peer acceptance that, to him, are equally unattainable. Marvelous concept! We learn SOOO much about those two characters in that short little scene - and it's fun! I keep meaning to try it with my kids. I bet it would be awesome...

Soooo... do you know what I did today?

I woke up about six o'clock this morning from a dream filled with hope. When I woke up, I could hear rain on the window beside my bed, tapping gently, sweet rain from nature's heart. I found that I felt awake and refreshed and I went ahead and got up because I felt like it. I got first shower with hot water and clean towels and a I finished getting dressed, the alarm went off and Craig got up, gave me a hug and said he loved me. Then he got dressed and woke the kids up before he went into the bathroom. When he came out of the bathroom, the kids got out of bed one at a time and did their thing in the bathroom, got dressed, and brought down their laundry.

I remembered everything that needed to be done that morning, got the baby fed and the dishes done, all before got everyone to school on time. The kids didn't fight, whine, stall, lose their things are suddenly remember items that needed to be turned in that day which had mysteriously escaped their memory until the moment we prepared to walk out the door.

When we gt back from dropping off the second load of kids, I laid Baby down for her nap and I went downstairs. I realized that what I wanted to to do was get the house cleaned up! I cleaned off the table, ran all the laundry that was downstairs (including folding it and putting it away), cleaned the family room and organized all my papers and books in my corner. I cleaned the kitchen and reorganized the bills and calendar papers. And I cleaned up the front hall, sorting the shoes and coats as I went along. As I put away the last of the downstairs laundry, I brought down the rest of the upstairs laundry. Throughout the day, I washed, dried, folded and put it away as well.

Before Baby woke up, I sat down at the computer, caught up on all my emails (sending appropriate replies where needed), paid the bills (with enough money to pay them all), finished a prompt response for my writing group, and downloaded the rest of the psych course lecture mp3s.

Then I started to work on my novel for NaNoWriMo. I immediately got "into the zone" where the words were flying from my fingers in prolific waves of stunning and memorable prose. I had just finished the chapter when Baby woke up from her nap. She got up cheerful and smiling. And those two teeth had finally broken through! She ate lunch wonderfully, without spitting it at me or sneezing in the middle of a bite of peas. After she ate, she played on the floor cheerfully with her toys while I played Mozart and Beethoven to enhance her little mind. I continued to work on my novel which, while I didn't hit "the zone" like earlier, still flowed out freely. I took frequent breaks to go play with her and she finally learned to crawl!

Come that time of day, Baby and I went to go the kids and got there on time. The kids had a great day at school and chatted happily about what they learned and how much fun they had. We got home and they took turns showing me their papers and the highlights from their day. As the each had their turn with me, the others got their healthy snacks and got started on their chores without being told. They did not fight or yell or cry or insult or anything. Everyone finished their homework peacefully at the table while I prepared a wonderful, nutritious, home-cooked meal.

Baby-Mommy picked up Baby on time and took a few minutes to go over Baby's day and our upcoming schedules and little bits of girlfriend gossip. She was thrilled to hear how well my novel is progressing and told me that if I needed her to watch my kids for a little bit next week during the time between when she would get to the house (directly from work) and when Craig would come home, that she would be thrilled to support me that way. Baby was glad to see Baby-Mommy but fussed a tiny bit just before she left because I hadn't given her an extra good-night hug.

Right after Baby-Mommy and Baby left, each part of dinner got ready just slightly staggered so I had just enough time to get each part on the table before the next piece was ready. The meal came together smoothly.

Just then, Craig came home early. He was thrilled to see the house and he was in a great mood. We all sat down together at the table and ate dinner together, talking about our day, sharing fun facts and laughing, talking and enjoying each other's company. Everyone commented on how delicious the meal was and ate everything on their plates.

After dinner, everyone took in their own dishes. Craig remembered it's Tuesday and told me I needed to get going out to Starbucks to write. He asked me if I had enough money and nearly shoved me out the door, encouraging me that I can still do good and have fun with my NaNoWriMo project. As I left, I gave everyone hugs and kisses. Kid-1 had settled in to read a book to Kid-4 and Kid-2 and Kid-3 were taking turns reading a book together. They all wished me good luck.

At Starbucks, my favorite table was open, my coffee was made just right, and my computer remembered what it was doing. I had my notebooks spread out and my headphones on and was just about to start writing when this very hot guy pointed at my notebook and asked what NaNoWriMo means. I explained to him about 50K words in 30 days and he was very impressed and commented on what a remarkable thing to attempt. We chatted for just a minute about writing and he said he'd let me get back to my work and went to another table where he sat with his back to me so I could stare at him without him seeing me. He just happened to be the exact character I was searching for to put in my novel.

I started writing and got into the zone immediately. Before I knew it, my computer said it was 5 til 10 so I closed up shop and headed over to IHOP to keep writing. There happened to be a booth with a power outlet by a window out of the way and I explained to the waitress that I just needed a place to write and wouldn't be any trouble. She said that was fine, brought me my coffee and snack and let me be. I went ahead and paid my bill and left a huge tip then I dived back into my writing. I got back in the zone and kept writing.

Before I knew it, it was almost 2 o'clock. I had written just over 5100 words and was starting to feel tired. I packed up my things and headed for home. As I drove home, I reviewed everything I had accomplished today and I felt incredibly proud of myself and optimistic that I could do it again and again and again... I slid into bed feeling good and fell right to sleep where I slept all night with no bad dreams.

And that's what I did today...

"Don't give up. It's just the weight of the world." (Josh Groban, "You Are Loved (Don't Give Up)")