Witnessing the Good Too

I usually use my blog to work through issues that are bothering me. As a result, most of my posts are whining and boring and complaining and just overall negative. Sometimes when something good happens and it's big, I'll put it in here but all of the small good things rarely, if ever, make into posted form. From reading this, you can clearly see that I am a pessimist by habit.

Would you have believed that I am the person who can find a positive in any situation? That I am the girl who will point out and focus on that glimmer of silver lining, regardless of how small it seems compared the the darkness around it? That I am the girl who taught my kids how to find the good things? In my relations with others, with very few exceptions, I always include "the good news is" along with any downside. Can you picture that?

Seems hideously out of character for me. But I do. The reason it seems so baldly contrary to what I put on here isn't that I don't point out positives here, because I do sometimes. The difference is that here I don't pretend to believe that those good things balance out for the bad ones. I don't hide my pessimism here like I have to when speaking to people. Pessimism is the worst social offense there is apparently; I learned that long ago and so closely censor my words to reflect a more positive attitude. I hope some day to find a way to get my feelings to match my words but so far have been unsuccessful.

So that's the first part of this. Although I am pessimistic and whiny and doom-and-gloom on here, in conversations with others, I always try to point out a silver lining. The second part of this post will look at the good I am feeling right now.

I was walking across campus today on my way to my 9am class. That's right, 9 am. And yes, I still hate mornings. This morning the sun was shining, the trees are turning, the weather is crisp but not yet frigid and I was prepared for class. I wasn't whistling, but pretty damned close. If I were the whistling kind, I think I would have been.

I consciously inhaled deeply and let it out with a smile on my face. Not the smile that I use in my attempt to appear the way I think people want me to appear, not a self-conscious, embarrassed, smiling because I wish I was under a rock and don't know what else to do kind of smile, not a bemused I can't believe I am in this situation kind of smile. It was a real smile. I smiled because I felt happy. No one was looking at me, expecting me to smile; I smiled because I was happy. (Hey! Stop laughing! I do too smile!)

And I realized, in that moment, that I feel happy overall. There are things in my life that still suck. I have way more bills to pay than I have money to pay them. My house is still a disaster zone. I still struggle with the kids. My body is still hurting in way too many places. Etc etc etc. But the bright side, for the first time in so long, is stronger than the doom and gloom. I can't remember the last time the balance tipped this way, not since my junior year of high school. (That's been a while! LOL)

Walking across campus this morning created one of my infamous "Golden Memories" and anyone who knows me and has heard the stories of my Golden Memories also knows that they are extremely rare. But what was different about this is that it wasn't triggered by the situation I was in. It was a Christmas morning out of a fairy tale story or a surreal walk through Lothlorien or anything like that. It was because I knew that for the first time in a VERY long time, I feel more happy than depressed.

Here are some reasons that I am feeling good:

- I am in school and doing very well
- I have friendships with peers rather than having to be someone's mother or the poop on the bottom of their shoe
- my meds are a good mix right now: I can sleep when I need to sleep and wake up when I need to wake up
- the tension between Hubby and I that I didn't realize was there has eased off
- I'm learning how to have my own opinions instead of adopting the opinion of whomever I am with
- I'm opening up to the possibility that I do have something good about me that isn't a direct consequence or reflection of someone else making me look good. I'm doing it on my own.
- things are going SOOO much better with Kid-1. It's more than a lack of conflicts. Situations that had been sending him off the deep end have made him mad (and mouthy at times) but NO tantrums. YAY!
- I reconnected with an old friend. I'd thought about getting in touch with so many times in the past years but was too afraid. Mom's cancer scare pushed me finally do it and I am SO glad I did. I forgot what it was like to have a healthy friendship.

Things aren't perfect. And the things that suck still suck. But things are going in the right direction and are better than they have been in so long that I forgot they actually could be good.

(PS-This isn't proofread cuz I'm running late so excuse the many typos and spelling problems that are likely in it!)

I'm Going to Hell (Happily)

Dear Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I don't know if you are still reading this. If so, you have my blessing to do so. I added a reply comment to yours if you are interested. If you aren't reading, I wish you all the best in your life and your future.

Sincerely,

Me

So Many Thoughts, So Little Time

I have had so many topics in my mind lately that I have wanted to try to work through on paper but simply haven't been able to put high enough on the priority list to justify the time they will take to write. At the moment, I have a few minutes in the library where I don't HAVE to be doing anything. This is designated "school time" but I am caught up on everything except a little reading for Ethics class. (I've skimmed it but it would be ideal for me to go through and read it carefully, even if we will be discussing all of the relevant points in class.) I have a few emails I could send also but they are not at all time critical and, to be honest, I need a bit of a brain break. Nonetheless, I don't have the time to get down all of my thoughts on these ideas but want to at least jot down the topics so I can remember that I was thinking about them.

What Makes a Racist? What role do thoughts have in the judgment that someone is a racist? If their first thought involves a racist judgment, does that make the person a racist? Does it matter what conscious thoughts they replace (or reinforce) the first thoughts with? Does it matter if their behavior intentionally excludes any form of racist actions? There is a huge spectrum here between first thoughts through habitual execution of racist thoughts, beliefs, actions and patterns - where does the hammer come down?

My Attempt to Explore Sociological Principles Through Science Fiction: I have a world brewing in my mind that explores sociological perspectives and what would happen under certain conditions. The beauty of sci-fi is the author's ability to order societal conditions along their own thoughts without reproach. What can be judged analytically is the degree that the story logically and accurately carries out the premises presented. I can create any world I want to, without limits, but the behaviors of the characters must still be consistent with the backstory established and any deviation from known variables must have a valid explanation and derivation from established concepts. For example, I can't have humans flying about under their own power without explaining why they can do that when we what we know of humans precludes this act. At any rate, I find myself retreating into the theoretical concepts of this world whenever I get too stressed, overwhelmed, or bored - especially bored. I have jokingly begun thinking of this world as my test drive since so much of it has been conceived while I am driving.

Always the Middle Path: So many concepts here are being presented as black and white issues. It feels like we are being told to accept all of a position or none of it. I honestly didn't realize the extent that The Shrink has "trained" me to look for the middle path until I find myself irritated that people don't want to do it. It just seems to blatantly obvious that there is an exception to every rule except this one. (I love that little paradox, by the way; it's even more fun than This statement is false.

Getting Stronger: Lately I have been told by several people close to me that I seem "better". Most of them mean or say that I am stronger, more confident, less despondent. Most of them seem to attribute this my finally returning to school and to the now-blessed removal of Her from my life. I think they are partially right. The more I think about it, the more I think that the difference in not in either of these events and more in the fact that I am finally starting to learn to apply all of those concepts that The Shrink and my Guardian Angel have been trying to teach me for so long. The environment I was in tended to harshly punish any attempt to apply those theories, sometimes out of prior conceptions of how I "always" behave or how I "should" behave, sometimes because the situations themselves were unhealthy but, because I had no concept of what "healthy" looks like that I couldn't understand what they meant. Here at school I am seeing how the real world functions. At home, my Oldest Friend (in years I have known him, not his age) has almost moved in due to a very similar situation as She was in. (He sleeps and keeps his stuff at my parents' house but spends all of his time at ours by mutual agreement and due to a number of factors. I have been thoroughly shocked at the difference between what I thought was "normal" and the new experiences in these two areas. So finding the middle path has paid off, as has setting appropriate boundaries.

My Oldest Friend: He has moved back home due to a series of unpleasant events in the state where he used to live. Although he technically lives with my parents, in all but sleeping, he lives with us. Part of my wants to say that this distinction is the heart of the vast difference in experience between Her living with us and him living with us. I still want to give her the benefit of the doubt, regardless of what people want to say. But truly, they are light years apart. Partly it is because I have FINALLY learned the difference between "helping" and "rescuing" but by far the biggest factor is his attitude. I had no idea it was "supposed" to work this way but so many people have told me this is true and I am having to reassess my certainty in my ideas of what behavior is "appropriate" and what is not. This is so much healthier and comfortable. I didn't know those two concepts could exist simultaneously!

Grades, Intelligence, Motivation, and Opportunity: It is official. I have overwhelmingly straight As in all four of my classes. I have perfect scores in 3 of them and a 99.3% in the other due solely to missing a class from the flu. That horribly selfish and vain and narcissistic part of my wants to say that part of this is because of my intelligence. After all, despite equal motivation and time spent, I am the only one who got a A on the critical thinking exam. Of course, realism triumphs and I recognize that I am just more motivated and invested in my grades than the other students. Quite simply, I care more about learning and getting the As than the others who do not have these scores. There is also the very strong factor that I have the luxury of being able to focus on school when I am in school and that I have the support of family and friends in being here. Quite obviously, no matter what the little devil in me says, it is not intelligence but effort that matters. If the others cared as much as I do and could apply themselves as much as I can, they would be right here besides me. Regardless of why I am succeeding, I find myself (surprisingly) proud of myself for doing it.

And my time is up... actually it was up 10 minutes ago and now I will be late so I'm off to the "real world" now. I hope to expand on these previews later but we'll see. I have my priorities, after all...

*Note: this is NOT proof read so I apologize for the spelling, grammar and typos that are most certainly scattered through this post!

Keep on Rocking!

Well, I've had exams in every one of my 4 classes now. The psychology course was almost a given and didn't disappoint: 25/25.

The sociology exam worried me as I hadn't studied but I got 96% and the prof added 4% points to everyone's test for the curve. So when all was said and done, I got 100% on it.

My big Ethics test (the one I spent most of the last week freaking out over) was due Friday night before midnight. I turned in my final copies Thursday night (technically Friday morning) about 3 am. Obviously, I haven't heard about that grade yet. Shockingly, I actually feel confident that I did alright. Each essay had to be "approximately" 2 pages double-spaced; 2 of them ended up just under two and half pages and the third one was exactly 2 pages. I didn't have any doubts about what the answers should be; the hardest part was keeping it short enough. If I don't get full points, it won't be from not knowing the answers; it will be because what I knew turned out to be wrong. I hope he has them ready Thursday. (Monday and Tuesday are Fall Break.)

Then there was the Critical Thinking test. I could write a post long enough to fill a book on that alone. It was far worse than I feared - I had to guess on HALF of it! I never had to guess that much on an exam. And I did study too! So he goes to hand back the exams on Wednesday and says that the scores were far lower than he expected - gee go figure!!!! Apparently there was only ONE A in both classes. The average score for our class was 15/30 and 16/30 for the other section. blush I was that A. I scored 28/30 before the VERY generous curve he ended up using. (He ended up adding 9 points to everyone's test to the maximum of 30 points.) We are still meeting with the department head to find something to do about the prof - he just CANNOT teach adequately!

I have to say... I have been surprised at how easily the academic part of this is going. I was just sure I would be studying non-stop trying to keep up, stressed out of my skull over trying to get decent grades. And I'm just not. I mean, I have to pay attention and I have to study before the tests, but not only can I do this, I am doing this! Based on what I have heard and read about others' experiences, I expected it to be so much more difficult.

Hubby, my friends, my family, even The Shrink keep saying they knew I could do it and that it's going so smoothly because I am so intelligent. I don't know that it's really that. I think it's just that this is important to me, really really important to me. So maybe it isn't that I am any smarter than the people I am comparing myself to; more likely it is just that I am more committed to doing well and won't accept "good enough" unless it is full success. But whatever the reason... it sure feels good!

I ROCK THE WORLD!!

Okay, I don't rock the entire world... but my world was rocked today. I got back my essay question #2 for Honors Ethics this morning. The prof (whom I absolutely adore!) was willing to preview our responses to let us know what modifications needed to be made before the final due date this Friday night. I got the maximum points with no comments. He told us that means it's perfect as is. YAY ME!

I also got the results back from my sociology exam that I took last week. Bear in mind that I was taking Vicoden at the max dose I could take and still be safe to drive and I had the stomach flu. I thought I missed 3 - 5 questions. Figuring them at 1 point each, I was hoping for a 97%. Except they are worth 2 points each. I got a 96%. Neither of the 2 questions I missed were any of the ones I thought I got wrong. One I missed because I was absent the day she gave the information. (I got notes from a classmate but he took astonishingly few notes and I didn't get that piece of info. Note to self: prisoners cannot take college courses using tax money. Duh me! lol) The other one I missed because of the wording of the answers provided. I spoke to the prof after class and I had the concept correct; I just didn't connect the concept with the key phrase in the correct response.

So I got a 96% on the test. Which is an A. But, just to sweeten my victory, that 96% is before she adds 4% to our score. That's her idea of a curve. Not sure if it was based on my 96% (which just so happened to be the highest grade in the class! TEE HEE!) or if that is her standard addition. Either way, it means I ended up with 100% on the test. HURRAY!!

Needless to say, (I hate that phrase - if it really is needless to say it, why am I saying it?!?!?!) I am feeling very confident about my grades and, by extension, my ability to succeed. It is somewhat lessened by the absolutely HORRIFIC test yesterday in critical thinking but that detraction is softened by the knowledge that I did everything in my power to study for the test and everyone I spoke to did horribly as did everyone they spoke to. (Thus the reason we are putting into motion something to protest the quality of the teaching, but that is another, much longer, story.)

Bottom line: I AM SO PROUD OF MYSELF!!

You Can Do It

I have a test on Monday in critical thinking. I'm scared that I will bomb it because the professor really needs to find a new calling. (For the record, this isn't just me whining because I am struggling in the class. Everyone I've talked to in the class - without exception - thinks this guy can't teach and is scared about the test.) Failing this test would mean bad news for the class which would mean mean bad news for the GPA. Based on the information I received at the grad school seminar, I CAN'T afford to have a sub-par GPA. So I'm worried about this test.

People keep telling me that I can do it and that I'll do just fine.

I understand why they are telling me this. It's a pep talk and a vote of confidence. It's a compliment and a wish. And it is flattering; don't get me wrong. The problem is, while it feels good to know that people have confidence in my abilities that frequently surpass my own, they refuse to acknowledge that failure actually is a possibility.

I am a pessimist by nature. But I have honed this pessimism into a way of calming my anxiety. I look at the best possible outcome. I tend to hope for the best but not really think it will happen. Then I look at the worst possible outcome and figure out what I would do if that came to pass. If I can find a way to make it through the worst possible outcome, I know that I can handle whatever actually happens because it will be somewhere between the best and the worst and I know how to handle each of those. So when I'm freaking out over the worst possible potential outcome, having someone tell me that it won't come to pass (regardless of how likely it is or isn't) is completely counter-productive. The message I end up hearing is, Success is the only acceptable option. If you fail, I will be displeased. My head knows this isn't what they mean; my anxiety translates it into that anyways.

Here is how this type of conversation generally plays out:

Me: I'm really worried about this test on Monday!
Friend: You'll do fine.
Me: I don't know. The prof is psycho, the material is vague, and I am distracted. I might not do fine.
Friend: Nonsense. You can do it. I know you can!
Me: But what if I can't?
Friend: You can. You just have to think positively.
Me: Yeah, you're right. (But thinking "You just don't get it at all, do you?")

I come out of the conversation not only NOT feeling better, supported, encouraged, and uplifted but actually feeling more nervous because I still see failure as a possibility and now feel that failing would also be letting down the friend with the unshakable confidence in me.

This is how I WISH that type of conversation would go:

Me: I'm really worried about this test on Monday!
Friend: You'll do fine.
Me: I don't know. The prof is psycho, the material is vague, and I am distracted. I might not do fine.
Friend: Okay, so what is the worst thing that could happen?
Me: I could fail the test, thereby lowering my final grade, thereby lowering my GPA, thereby not being able to get into graduate school.
Friend: And what if that happens?
Me: I guess I would retake the class to fix the GPA.
Friend: How likely is it really that you will fail the test?
Me: Well, maybe not fail it but certainly not getting an A is a real possibility.
Friend: Which is far better than failing it!
Me: Well, yeah
Friend: Is there anything you can do to make you more likely to succeed than fail?
Me: Study
Friend: Okay then. Study for the test. Do the best you can. If you fail it, retake the class. But stressing out over it won't help your grade nor will will change what happens if you don't do well. So chill out. Breathe! (lol)
Me: Right. Breathe. Study. Chill. Okay, I can do that.

And now I have a plan of action, I am prepared for the best and worst scenarios, I feel listened to and understood and not judged and I am ready to do the best I can and be okay with it. Life is good again! But that isn't how we've been taught to react to someone expressing a lack of confidence in themselves.

A prime example of this is last year when Hubby went to Atlanta for train school. I was terrified that I wouldn't be able to handle it. I wanted someone to tell me that while they thought I could handle it, even if I couldn't, it wouldn't be the end of the world and we could handle whatever happened when it happened. No one would concede there was a possibility of me crashing and burning. Everyone kept saying that I could do it, that I was strong enough, that it would be fine. They dismissed my worries as being paranoid and pessimistic.

The time came, Hubby went off to train school, and guess what happened! I fell apart. If not for my then best friend and my family and friends, I don't know what would have happened. It got ugly. We eventually recovered but not really until Hubby went on furlough from the trains and went back to his other job.

Only then, after all was back to a relative state of "okay", did people start admitting that they weren't sure I could handle it. A couple of them privately thought there was a very slim chance that I would be okay. But NONE of them would tell me that!!!

And it made it so much worse. Because not only did I have the stress of the situation, I had the pressure to succeed at it. I was convinced that if I fell apart, there would be irreparable damage to my kids and everyone else and that everyone would be mad at me or disappointed in me or disgusted with me because everyone thought I could (and therefore should) be able to handle it. Had people been honest with me, I might have been able to form a backup plan so that when things started to go south, I had options and support to try to fix them rather than feeling isolated and inferior. Would it have kept me from falling over the edge of the precipice into disaster? Maybe not but I do think it wouldn't have been as bad as it ended up.

To be fair and to give credit where credit is due... tonight my Writing-Buddy walked me through almost exactly the example of how I wish a conversation might go. And she did it unprompted. Some of my friends will walk me through the process if I remind them that I need that. But she did it without me having to ask for it (which takes away some of the power because it then feels fake). So THANK YOU to her; I am going to study what I can, do the best I can on the test and if I bomb it I will move forward from there. And I feel better now!

Can I do it? Probably-maybe-I-don't-know. Will the world end if I can't? No. Are there things I can do to make it more likely to succeed? Probably-maybe-I-don't-know. Then do them, try my best, and move on from there....