Great Expectations

I've been hiding. I'm still hiding but I want to get these thoughts down before I lose them.

I have been under a tremendous amount of pressure to step up and handle two people's worth of parenting and household duties. I feel like I am going to crack all the time, like I am drowning.

In addition to the stress currently underway because of Hubby's absence, I find myself often confused by things around me, especially the things other people say and do. Their opinions and expectations and suggestions swirl around my head, coloring my thoughts and tainting my own views. I second-guess myself and then second-guess my second-guesses. I still don't feel I have an accurate barometer to judge for myself what is "right" and what is "wrong" in regards to appropriate expectations and boundaries.

It would appear that a great many people in my life don't like the other people in my life. The Shrink doesn't like Hubby and isn't thrilled with Baby-Mommy. Baby-Mommy doesn't like Hubby and that is completely mutual. My writing-buddy doesn't like Hubby or Baby-Mommy. The list goes on.

While I sometimes don't like these people's behaviors, I don't think it warrants rendering a judgement of disapproval. I don't like it that I have to tell Baby-Mommy that I need to leave a half hour before I actually do because she never gets home when she should. It hurts my heart when Hubby screams at the kids or bites my head off. The mother can rip my heart out in a single conversation. My writing buddy doesn't hold a conversation all at once. But they are what they are and I know that and I know it. I have the choice of learning to adapt or moving on and I choose to adapt.

As near as I can tell these people don't like each other because they are holding unrealistic expectations of them. People expect Hubby to keep his temper, Baby-Mommy to extend her view of the world beyond herself, me to take care of everything that needs to be taken care of. They hold people to standards that don't fit who the people are and where they are in their lives.

Why don't people expect others to act the way they know them to be? Continually change that image as the person grows and changes but don't expect them to meet standards that you have imposed rather than those that they meet on their own. If you know someone is always late, plan for it - don't get pissed about it. If they are on time, great! Bonus buy! If they start to be on time more and more often, you can adjust your expectations. But why set yourself - and them - up for failure and frustration?

My theory has always been to hope for the best and plan for the worst. See the best in other people. Believe that they mean well. Believe that they are doing their own personal best. Believe that they can be better than they ever have been.

But protect yourself. Don't trust someone with more than you can afford to lose. And if you have to put that kind of trust in someone, make it someone with a track record of earning that trust. You don't pick up a poisonous snake with no protection except faith that it won't bite you. Pick up the snake if you are called to do so, but wear gloves so it can't pierce the tender flesh.

Maybe there is something inherently wrong with this philosophy. Maybe holding people to low standards will discourage them from growing. Maybe it is not holding them accountable for their actions. Maybe it even goes so far as to encourage the very behaviors that cause me problems.

I guess it a defense mechanism on my part. If I don't expect more of them than I know is likely, than I won't be disappointed and let down by them. It also keeps me from "having" to feel angry at them for not meeting my expectations of them. If something they do upsets me, it comes back on me for not expecting as much and protecting myself. (And, as I have said repeatedly, I find it so much easier to be angry at myself than others, owing to control issues.) It also ensures that I make backup plans... just in case.

It doesn't keep me from encouraging them to improve. I had a talk with Hubby about his anger on Friday. It didn't do anything to help but I tried. (And that's a helluva lot more than I've been able to do in the past.) Mostly I just do it by praising the behaviors I do want to see and refusing to comment on the ones I don't. I only intervene in the other stuff when things begin to get out of hand. (Read: DON'T MESS WITH MY KIDS!)

I guess my whole point is that if we go into a situation, whether it be a place and occasion or a person we deal with, we need to have realistic expectations, ones grounded in predictable behavior, rather than holding them to a higher standard than they are capable or willing to fulfill. When we do that, it becomes so much harder to be annoyed and angry at the results and perhaps impressed by behavior above and beyond. Accept people as they are. Don't impose your own Great Expectations onto them.