I Will Never Be Good Enough

I will never be good enough. Not a good enough mother, wife or daughter. Not a good enough friend or neighbor or mentor. Not a good enough housekeeper or cook. Not a good enough writer or student. Just plain not good enough. It doesn't matter how hard I try or for how long or how old or young I am. I will never make it.

The in-laws came over to help clean Saturday. This started off in a bad position as they came at 9:30 on a Saturday morning. NO ONE in this house likes to get up on a Saturday morning. And NO ONE in this house likes to clean. Not off to a very good start. But that is when they were available and that is the time they said they would be here and I was not about to turn down the offer for help, not that they would have let me if I'd tried. So fine, load up on the Xanax, take a deep breath, prep the kids and get ready for a long day.

It was indeed a long day. Long, hard, tiring and emotionally and physically draining. The first thing that happened was The Lecture from the MIL to the kids. She directed it at the kids but it was very much addressed to me as well. And the basic point was that we weren't doing enough. The house is a mess barely three weeks after a serious cleaning. Hubby will be upset if he comes home to this mess. It's bad for all of us and bad OF all of us. Work harder, do better, clean more, period. And it turns out the reason the in-laws came over is because Hubby's aunt (who also came to help) had seen the playroom at its worst and called the MIL to say that she felt sad that our house was so messy. The MIL was understandably embarrassed and upset. ouch.

So all day long, the MIL directed traffic, the FIL cleaned while muttering comments under (and over) his breath, the kids did their best, though they aren't used to spending 6 hours straight cleaning, and I grew more and more depressed. I am infinitely grateful for their help. But I feel just awful about needing it. It didn't feel good to have so many of my shortcomings laid bare like that. It brought home the message that I will never be good enough.

It's obvious that I'm not a good enough housekeeper. Even when I do the best I can, I simply can't keep up on my own. And it turns out that I'm a pretty crappy mother too. I haven't taught my children the cleanliness habits they ought to have or instilled in them a sense of pride over a cleaning job well done. I can't trust them to do their jobs without being told (and told and told and told and told) and I haven't been checking up on them enough. They don't pick up after themselves because I haven't enforced them doing so as they've grown. And it may be too late for them to internalize the clean work ethic as an ingrained trait. Too little, too late.

Well, as I stewed on these topics, all the other areas in which I am seriously lacking swam into focus and I realized that I am simply not good enough. Doing one's best does NOT mean that it's good enough. People say that no one can expect better than the best one can do - but then they turn around and pass judgement on the ways that we fall short. I feel like I am drowning in "too little, too late"'s, all the ways that I come up short.

As a mother - though this is by far my best area, there are still so many things that the kids are not getting and learning. I don't take them to church or teach them religion nearly enough. I'm horrible on follow-through. I forget things constantly. I haven't taught them cleanliness in home or self. And, despite my best efforts, I still lose my temper and snap at them.

As a wife - not only do I not keep the house good enough, I don't keep up my end in other arenas either. To be blunt, in the sexual relations area, I don't excel. I'm just not interested, at all. And I dodge him by going to bed much later than he does so that he's asleep. When he asks, I do go up with him and then I'm afraid that I'm rather phoning it in, so to speak. I am falling back on the things I know work from memory, not from current feelings. He deserves better than that. It's not good enough, despite being the best I can do.

As a daughter - I love my mother with all my heart but I don't show it very well. I don't spend much time with her, even though I know that she is alone all the time and hates it. I feel like it takes so much energy to get myself to go over. I have to really psych myself up for it. She is having a hard time right now, having been off her medications for a year now, and I find myself frustrated easily. And some of her views and behaviors just really get to me. I know it's all part of the borderline personality disorder, but there are times when it is simply exhausting to deal with. And right now I am so tired already that I haven't been able to get myself to go hang out. I feel horrible: ungrateful, selfish, lazy, pernicious, just generally a bad daughter.

As a friend - I haven't been giving Baby Mommy the kind of friend attention she deserves. I am all about staying afloat right now and to that end, I often go back to bed during the day, leaving her and Baby alone. Come after school time, obviously, I am busy with the kids and dinner and everything. By the time they are in bed and things quiet down for the evening, she is involved in other things and my brain is fried. So I try to help her with editing as much as she needs me to but we don't get a chance to go out for lunch or movies or whatever. Then there is the particularly sticky situation with my other friends and family. I'm afraid they don't have a very good opinion of her and though I don't share their sentiments, I don't stand up for her as much as I should either. Some friend I am.

As a neighbor - Our yard is a mess. My kids are loud and tend to leave stuff lying around. I'm not overly sociable with them. I don't do "good neighbor" type deeds. Heck I didn't even pay the association dues this year.

As a mentor - I am supposed to be the co-moderator of my writing group. But I have disappeared. I don't have the energy to critique crap writing. I don't have the energy to write anything of my own. I wouldn't even put out the daily prompts if I didn't feel obligated.

I'm not writing, not learning, not teaching, not cleaning, not cooking tasty food, not taking care of all my parental and spousal obligations, just not doing enough. And yet I am still exhausted and feel like I'm running in circles and getting nowhere fast. All I want to do is crawl into bed and hide and stay there forever and ever.