Self-Destruction Inside and Out

NOTE: THIS POST CONTAINS POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING DESCRIPTIONS OF SELF-HARM. IF YOU ARE FEELING SUICIDAL OR THE NEED TO CAUSE HARM TO YOURSELF OR OTHERS, PLEASE CALL 911, CONTACT YOUR DOCTOR, OR A FRIEND WHO CAN TALK TO YOU, OR SEEK HELP FROM SOME SOURCE. THIS IS NOT!NOT!NOT! MEANT AS AN ENCOURAGEMENT OR TO CONDONE SELF-HARM OR SUICIDE IN ANY FORM.

I cut at my arms. I refuse to eat. I sleep as often as I can get away with it. I take too many pills or not enough or the wrong kinds. I walk around barefoot in the snow and don't really notice or care. I take showers hot enough to raise welts. I am generally a self-destructive person. I mostly do it in ways that don't affect others, except when they find out by accident or when I slip and overdo one. I hide this well enough that my kids don't even realize it happens, Hubby and The Shrink don't know about it unless they ask me directly in such a way that I can't dodge it.

But by far my physical self-destruction is much less than what I do to myself mentally and emotionally. If anyone said most anything that I say to and about myself to my children, they would get such an earful as to leave them deaf for a long time to come. I have worked very hard and with a specific intensity and purpose to keep my children from feeling and thinking the things that fill my head and heart most every moment of every day. I would not wish me on my worst enemies. The things I say and feel about myself cause me far more pain than anything I do to my physical body.

I love my kids with an intensity that overcomes nearly everything. They are my sole purpose for living. All I want is to be gone from this world, this life, this self. I despise myself more than an ugly stepsister and feel the harshest of punishments, whatever they may be, are well-deserved and insufficient. If it were not for these lovely, wonderful little children, I would be gone in a heartbeat. And though I will not do that, because of the trauma it would cause them (despite their lives becoming far better for not having to deal with me), I won't leave them.

Resolving not to leave them until they are grown and flown the nest and able to cope a little better does not ease my self-loathing. It does not keep me from wanting to rip myself from limb to limb in any way available. A few weeks ago, I made quite a mess of my arm. Baby-Mommy saw a small part of it (the only one who ever notices, thank goodness) and gave me a minor tongue-lashing but ultimately decided she can't control me and what I do is my problem. (Again - thank goodness.) I stopped the destruction because I was afraid Hubby would see it when he was home this past week. Though the scabs were gone by the time he got here, the scars are a bit obvious if you see the arm (long sleeves are my friends!) yet mercifully, he didn't notice.

I found this encouraging. Cutting, as horrible as this sounds, is reassuring and almost self-comforting. Some of my cuts and things have been highly symbolic - the crosses, the Ms, the horizontal slashes that count the days he has been gone - whereas some are just anger and loathing rising, literally, to the surface. I choose whether or not it hurts, which The Shrink says is not normal but whatever. I feel the bite and sting as it happens and watch the blood rise to the surface and all the hate and rage and disgust at myself gets poured into that. All the pain that I feel inside that I don't feel I can express to anyone becomes a physical thing - a legitimate reason to feel the pain that I otherwise do not feel entitled to. As I move my arm under my sleeves as it heals, I feel the pull and ache of the wounds and it reminds me that I have a "real" reason for hurting that isn't just in my head. It also serves as a release of some of that self-hatred that whispers (or shouts) at me to just die and be done with it.

If the pain becomes a problem for whatever situation I am in, I push it away and I don't feel it any more. I know it is there, like I would know it is cold outside by looking at a thermometer without actually feeling cold. The only pain I can't disengage from is pain in or around my head. Migraines, toothaches, sinus infections - they get to me. Everything else will generally go away on command.

The Shrink says one problem with self-harm is the tendency to escalate. Apparently it is a release for "cutters". They want to "feel something, anything, even if it is pain" and seeing the blood or injury "makes them feel alive, that if [they] can bleed, they must be real and living". I don't understand that. I don't have issues with escalation. Apparently, for these people, once the blood stops and the cut begins to heal, it is no longer enough. The same degree of injury doesn't suffice to bring about the same feelings so more, deeper, harder, longer, whatever, becomes necessary (in their minds) to generate the same release. I don't feel that way.

Another problem is supposedly the tendency to accidentally cause too much harm and create an "accidental" suicide. How on earth someone manages to "accidentally" cut their body enough to lose enough blood to die is beyond me. I have caused problems by overdosing before but those were not self-harm attempts; they were something completely different altogether. And though I have occasionally wondered what it would feel like to cut deep enough to need stitches, fear of being caught has always held me back from causing even that degree of injury.

The other thing that is apparently common for cutters is motive. This is what keeps me from getting caught more than anything except the threat of being separated from my children. It seems many cutters do it for attention. They want to cause harm to others by making them feel responsible for the harm they do themselves. Some even simply want attention. These are classic Borderline Personality Symptoms. I am many things but I fit very few of the diagnostic criteria for BPS. I get very angry when I do get caught and people automatically lump me into that category. I know and love many people who are BPS, but I find that assumption (that because I SI, I am BPS) to raise my blood pressure with just the thought. If I "simply" wanted attention, I can think of far better ways to do it than to upset everyone who finds out, cause them to revoke all trust in me and treat me like an errant child, and risk being separated from my kids. And I DO NOT cut (etc) "because" of someone else. I do it for me, not just to me.

All that said, I honestly don't understand why this is being made such a big deal of. I am not in physical danger of irreparable harm (save for some minor scarring that doesn't affect anyone else). I'm not hurting anyone else. I'm not trying to emotionally hurt anyone else. And I makes me feel better, not counting the vast guilt and shame that getting caught brings about. So why can't they leave me alone??? At least I'm not attempting suicide.