Guilt and Anger: Why Me?

I struggle with guilt and self-loathing unrelentingly. I feel like every little thing that goes wrong can be directly attributed to something I did or did not do. And that sparks a fierce anger in me that wants to get violent. I have improved somewhat - not long ago (and still when I am in my blackest, most illogical moods) I could provide a reason why I had a detrimental effect on anything in the world that was wrong. For example: the war in Iraq was my fault because I voted for Bush. I'm not at that point anymore (most of the time).

The Shrink and I go round and round about this. I am tempted to say I frustrate him wholeheartedly in my inability to accept what he tells me, let alone internalize it. But if I seriously think about it, I don't think he is actually feeling that way. I think I have projected that onto him unfairly because that is the response I expect and because that is how I feel about it.

The point is that this is not a new topic or a new issue or new challenge to work on. I cannot remember a time when I did not feel that I was responsible for the problems around me. I take the blame for everything because, the way that I perceive it, I created or antagonized the issue, at least partly. Even when told that whatever it is that I am blaming myself for isn't my fault and reassured that no one is angry with me, I still feel guilty and angry with myself.

One of the things I find the most frustrating from my point of view stems from the fact that I know why I do this. I know where the behavior originated. As a child (doesn't everything start there?) if I tried to blame someone else for a problem, the best I could hope for was being branded a liar. (To their credit, I did lie a lot.) But the other, and more common, response was to turn it around on me and tell (or show) me, in no uncertain terms, how I had actually caused the problem and it was my fault and I had no one to blame but myself. At this point consequences of varying severity followed.

As a result I learned that seeing others as being at fault for something was not only incorrect, it tended to be positively dangerous. I internalized that completely and now I sincerely believe that whatever it is, it is indeed my fault.

The same applies to anger. Reacting with anger did not go over well at my house. I also did not have access to a model for expressing healthy anger. I had both extremes. The Mother cannot control her anger and I raised it in her constantly. Daddy didn't get angry. I have seen Daddy angry twice in my life - both times at me and both times I walked away with a fat lip (well-deserved). He even took her anger in stride and let it roll right off his back. So I saw "fly-off-the-handle-and-spaz-unpredictably" anger or "i-don't-get-angry-or-sad-or-express-negative-emotions-at-all" reactions.

Once again I learned that anger at others is wrong and had the potential for being dangerous. So now all the anger that I might feel towards someone else - justified or not - is directed towards myself instead. It's safer that way and true besides. I get that flash of anger when something happens, but I immediately suppress the expression of it and then go about restructuring the thought processes surrounding it until I am no longer angry with the original target.

Bottom line, even though I know where the process originated from, that it may be maladaptive in some situations, and is not necessarily a vital function any more, these processes are ingrained in my thoughts and emotions. I get mad just like everyone else. But I get mad at myself. I lay blame just like everyone. I just place it on myself.

Why me? Because that's how it always was and that is how I still believe it to be.