Random Thoughts

I have scars. I have ones that you can see and that don't bother me a bit, like the 4 inch lines on my shins from knee surgeries. And I have ones you can see that I do my best to hide, like the large scary-looking one on my left arm. Then there are the ones that you can't see unless somehow you stumble across them AND know my reactions well enough to know you've hit on something, like my trigger words where I will suddenly look away and frequently lose track of the conversation for a minute. In time, some of these scars will fade. Some won't. I wonder if there is a way to encourage them to no longer bother me...

I have lost 30-35 pounds since last spring. This is a major accomplishment for me. Not only have I lost weight, I have gained muscle and regained a little bit of my shape. I wore a size 22-24 pants last Mother's Day. Last week I bought a pair of size 16 jeans and didn't have any trouble wearing them at all. My goal is to get down to 135 pounds. I still have a long ways to go. Even at 135 pounds, I will still be fat, but at least not disgustingly so.

I have been watching the new HBO series In Treatment about a psychotherapist, Paul, 5 of his patients and his own shrink. So far, I am intensely interested. The characters are a bit stereotypical and slightly over played but I love the nuances of it. I also love watching Paul venting to his own therapist and wondering how realistic it is. Little pieces of each of the characters ring true for me, except possibly Alex who has a little too much self-confidence for me to entirely empathize with. Some of the questions I asked myself watching the 5 episodes: does "erotic transference" really happen that often? (from Day 1, Laura) Does the cryo-thing with Alex really exist? Don't you have to have parental consent to treat a minor? (from Day 3: Sophie) Did he really think Jake and Amy should have an, yeah... or was he just trying to shock them into thinking rationally? (from Day 4: Jake and Amy) Are shrinks really as messed up as everyone else? Aren't they supposed to be the ones who have it all figured out, even if they've been through hell, aren't they the ones who came out the other side? (from the intro to Day 3, and parts of Day 5: Paul) And the one that made me cringe: Paul said, "If patients really knew what I thought, they would run for the hills." One other note: Gabriel Byrne, despite his age, can be quite sexy and i LOVE the Irish brogue that slips through. WOW... *wink*

Did you notice, when I was putting out the questions from that show, that I obviously stuck around for Day 3: Jake and Amy despite the topic being exceedingly uncomfortable? I was very grateful to be watching it alone and I missed part of it, but kept watching. I am proud of myself. *grin*

I am also getting pretty close to some memories that I have been avoiding for a very VERY long time. This is not very fun. I am up to 1400 words and I haven't even gotten to the meat of it. I am terrified of the meat of the story. How much detail should I put into this? How much detail am I ABLE to put into this? Can I write this story without vomitting?

Ugh. Meds kicking in...

Th-th-th-tha-tha-that's all folks!