I'm Not Posting

It seems it has been forever since I posted an entry and the last one I posted wasn't finished. I'm not really sure why this is as generally I find it very helpful to unload here. In fact, though, I'm not really sure what my problem is in general. I have been going to farther lengths than usual to shut people out - including myself. I spent 30 of my 45 minutes of therapy this morning discussing cooking accidents with my shrink to avoid speaking of anything meaningful. (It didn't work. He cornered me eventually with: "Are we talking about this to avoid something else?" Gee, doc - ya think? LOL) But I did find out that at one time he was as dangerous in the kitchen as I am. He has exploded a ham - I think that takes special training! And he even caught the house on fire to the point of calling the fire department. I am somewhat pacified that he is not entirely perfect, though not completely because this was a minimum of 8 years ago.

I suppose I should give a status report, since it has been so long...

Mother is still not voluntarily speaking to me, although when I totally freaked out of Hubby Saturday night, he called her and she talked me down. I miss my Mom, my friend. Apparently there is not only no chance of reconciliation between her and Baby-Mommy, she is doing everything in her power to make a vicious point of this. As for her and I... well, friends fight. They say horrid things to each other then they apologize, make up and keep being friends. I have apologized. I have sucked up. I have grovelled. I have ignored. And still she won't make up. I am beginning to think things will never be the same between us, all because I love my temper so badly ONE TIME. (And people wonder why I am so adamant about not expressing anger, let alone losing my temper...)

In the world of Baby and Baby-Mommy, Baby-Mommy's man finally found a job. He will be working 40+ hours a week and this is great for him and for Baby-Mommy but it put me in an awkward position. I simply cannot watch Baby 45+ hours a week - I CAN'T do it. If I could do that, I could get a job and we wouldn't be in this financial disaster. SO....... I told Baby-Mommy that. I have to have my Wednesdays off - they are booked solid with scheduled appointments/activities. And I have to have another day off too. So, Baby will go to day-care 2 days a week: Wednesdays and Thursdays. I feel just awful about sending her to daycare but I CAN'T kill myself over this schedule and I am already so close to the FUCK-IT! point that I don't dare try to push too hard. Yay me for standing up for myself!

As for my own children... Kid-2 and Kid-3 are grounded beyond anything they have ever experienced. They got involved in a game of "Dares" (Truth or Dare without the Truth option) that became unbelievably inappropriate. I can't put it down here - it's too upsetting to me, even though I have been told by both my guardian angel and my shrink that this is "normal" kid behavior. Whatever. Every time I talk about it, I freak out. The shrink was not overly impressed that I checked out on him this morning. He wasn't surprised, just not impressed. Surprisingly enough, he kept me partially grounded by reminding me of the image of him exploding hams and catching kitchens on fire. Needless to say, the kids are grounded.

I did a major thing with my writing. I wrote a "short" story about the birth of Ginny. It ended up 11528 words long!! It is a truly crappy story but I WROTE IT! I was quite proud to have gotten it down. I think I may burn it. Maybe that will make it go away... In other writing news, I am supposed to be writing a story for the "February Challenge" and I am failing miserably at it. It is "due" by Friday and I have written probably 1000 words but deleted every single one of them. I am on my 4th story idea and I honestly wonder if I will get it done. Some moderator I am...

I am wandering back into the "if I tell myself nothing happened, then nothing happened" style of coping with the things mulling about my head. Of all the things I've tried over the years, I still think it has been the most effective. I know that my guardian angel and my shrink both don't like this method, but it seems to hurt the least. I can't quite get people to understand that I DON'T LIKE PAIN. If there is a way to avoid it, I WANT TO AVOID IT. I don't want to think about my trigger words and the things that make them upsetting to me. Therefore, I officially declare: I AM FINE. Whatever happened in the past is in the past and I refuse to give it any more time, thought or energy. If I don't think about it, it can't hurt me. I am who I am now, not who I was at any time before now. The past has no power over me. So whatever may or may not have been there DOESN'T MATTER.