Random Thoughts

Once again my head is swimming with ideas I want to bounce around but don't have the time to do full blog posts about. Usually, by the time I have the time I am willing to spend on blogging, most of the ideas have dwindled into hazy memories, if they are still present at all. So here's a quick list, to remind myself later, what I was mulling over today:

Thanksgiving: How to be grateful with a pessimistic outlook.

Theory vs Application: I understand so much of what I am learning in my life. In academics, I have started to see everyday examples of the concepts we are studying. A few still escape me, like trying to tell when a fallacy, although wrong in structure, may still be true in content. Mostly, though, the things I learn in therapy and life seem to escape me when it comes time to put them into practice. I am perfectly capable of identifying the good side to almost anything... but it is an intellectual recognition and more often than not, there is no corresponding boost in optimism. Or I understand the concept of being more willing to accept my strengths but when I try to incorporate the thoughts, my head explodes with negativity. I get it... I just can't use it.

Things I Do Right: The Shrink had me make a list of 20 things I do right. It was a nightmare and I still only got 12 honest ones and another 6 with strong conditions attached. That's close...

Checklist for Qualities and Actions that Make a "Good Mom": this is the homework for this week. We made a list of qualities that a good mom necessarily possesses. Now I need to go through and give each one two ratings, scale 0 - 100. One rating is an objective rating of how well I achieve the item, striving to be based on evidence and NOT on feeling. The other rating is the opposite. It is how well I feel that I achieve the item, my own subjective perception of it. Next week we'll tackle the evidence versus the perception.

Ditch the Religion: I am on a bit of an anti-religion kick at the moment. This is not to be confused with atheism or even agnosticism. I still consider myself very spiritual. But I simply cannot back organized religion at this time. I tried, believe me I tried! I think it would be so much easier to have that kind of blind faith in the teachings of a particular doctrine, faith so unshakable that it supports my spirit when I would despair, faith so unquestioning that, even when life contradicts everything that seems good and holy, I could still cling to it and stay afloat. And I tried... I did the whole church every Sunday thing. We took most of the new member class and learned about the religion. But I just can't swallow it.

The meaning of Christmas: Given the anti-religious sentiments I have at the moment, where does Christmas fit into my life? I'm not buying into the whole "birth of the Savior" concept because I don't buy into most of the foundation for it. But in my mind, Christmas transcends Christianity. It is about humanity. I need to find my Christmas spirit soon. To do that, I will need to reassess what Christmas actually means to me.

What is a Racist? I started a post on this. Is it first thoughts? Consciously corrected thoughts? Spoken beliefs? Actual behavior? If you are racist but don't want to be, does that mean you actually aren't? Or does it mean that you will forever be racist?

R-E-S-P-E-C-T: What is respect? Why do we give it? Why do we withdraw it? Why do we lose it? What makes someone worthy of respect? Why do we respect or withdraw respect for the wrong reasons? Must respect be mutual to be valid?

Life Lessons of Late: I've learned some pretty huge things here recently. I learned the difference between rescuing and helping. I've learned the value of trust. I've learned that sometimes the opinions that others express can be right even when we don't want to believe them. I've learned to stand my ground, at least a little bit. I've learned that placing any expectations at all on someone sets me up to be let down and/or betrayed, no matter how appropriate those expectations are. I've learned that I can do something right - even on my own merits. I've learned that being "good at" does not require being "perfect at". I've learned that unconditional love doesn't go away, even after a betrayal, even if you want it to. I've learned that loving a person does not require wanting to associate with them. I've learned that a horrible experience with one person does not mean another person will be horrible too, even in similar circumstances. I've learned that kids are tough, tougher than I am sometimes.

Happy Holidays! Some people get irritated when people say happy holidays instead of merry christmas. But what if you say it that way not to be politically correct but because you hope that all of their holidays are happy? Merry Christmas is rather limiting in that respect. I think I am going to try "May all your holidays be happy!" instead of MC or HH...

(PS - pardon the lack of proof-reading. I am WAY out of time!!)

Forgetting to Breathe

Sounds like the title of a poem or song or short story or even a novel, doesn't it? Very emo, I think. But I don't mean it that way actually, although I may take that title and do something with it some day. But this post isn't anything creative or emotional, it's just another bitch fest. I can whine here because no one is being forced to listen to it. So, for anyone reading, consider yourself warned. You may want to get some cheese to go with this whine...

I am sick - again. I have either a nasty cold or the start of the flu. My throat feels like ground up meat and my voice is gone, ranging from soft and hoarse to almost no sound coming out. I feel like there is a weight on my chest - not an elephant at least, more like a heavy cat stretched out for a nap. I have a very small cough that tastes beyond nasty and hurts.

But it's the upper respiratory stuff that gets weird... My head is stuffy and pressure sensitive. Nothing unusual there. But my nose alternates between being clogged with concrete and open, albeit runny and slightly sore. When it's clogged, I keep forgetting to breathe. I know that sounds weird but what else would you expect from me? Once again I think a medical degree would be handy. Failing that, here is my best guess at what is happening.

I am almost exclusively a nose breather. So when my nose gets completely clogged, I end up accidentally holding my breath. Then my lungs start to yell at me, "HEY! REMEMBER US? BREATHE DAMMIT!" and I inhale deeply and remind myself to breathe for a while, until I forget and repeat the whole process.

In all, it really isn't all that serious. I suspect it is just a cold since I don't have a fever at all. And the rest of the symptoms, while certainly not fun, aren't nearly as bad as they could be. I did skip class today because I am 100% ready for the test Monday and all we are doing is continued review for it. The high probability of passing around my cold plus the pain of trying to talk with no voice just wasn't worth putting in an appearance just to say I was there.

At any rate, I hope this goes away soon. I'm struggling with mental and emotional fatigue enough as it is without adding physical fatigue and illness to the mix!

When the Comment are More Fun Than the Post

So I am an example of how Americans will believe anything and a veritable case study in effective marketing. I was watching TV in a mindless fashion. (The kind where it's playing a lame kids' show and I'm not actually watching it but was too lazy/disinterested to change the channel or turn it off.) This commercial comes on for a game called "MindFlex" that claims you control the levitation of a foam ball by modifying your level of concentration. It claims to use a type of EEG reading technology then translate it into a degree of intensity which it transmits from the wireless headset to game base and changing how hard the air from the fan blows, thus changing how high or low the ball goes.

It sounded totally AWESOME but highly suspicious. True to form, I hit the internet to try to find "the truth" - a laughable aim given the realm. First I hit the site for the game itself: http://mindflexgames.com/. There is some great hype there but the FAQ say basically nothing useful. Next I hit Amazon to see the price and any user reviews. At Amazon, there was a wide range of user perspectives. Most were very favorable but one of them said they hooked it up to their fingers and it still behaved the same way.

That was a red flag for me so I kept digging. That led me to an article at gizmodo. The article itself is relatively useless with no new light shed on the toy. But the comments!! The comments had me literally LOL, to the point that the kids wanted to know what was so funny.

I highly recommend the article for geeks who want a laugh...

Witnessing the Good Too

I usually use my blog to work through issues that are bothering me. As a result, most of my posts are whining and boring and complaining and just overall negative. Sometimes when something good happens and it's big, I'll put it in here but all of the small good things rarely, if ever, make into posted form. From reading this, you can clearly see that I am a pessimist by habit.

Would you have believed that I am the person who can find a positive in any situation? That I am the girl who will point out and focus on that glimmer of silver lining, regardless of how small it seems compared the the darkness around it? That I am the girl who taught my kids how to find the good things? In my relations with others, with very few exceptions, I always include "the good news is" along with any downside. Can you picture that?

Seems hideously out of character for me. But I do. The reason it seems so baldly contrary to what I put on here isn't that I don't point out positives here, because I do sometimes. The difference is that here I don't pretend to believe that those good things balance out for the bad ones. I don't hide my pessimism here like I have to when speaking to people. Pessimism is the worst social offense there is apparently; I learned that long ago and so closely censor my words to reflect a more positive attitude. I hope some day to find a way to get my feelings to match my words but so far have been unsuccessful.

So that's the first part of this. Although I am pessimistic and whiny and doom-and-gloom on here, in conversations with others, I always try to point out a silver lining. The second part of this post will look at the good I am feeling right now.

I was walking across campus today on my way to my 9am class. That's right, 9 am. And yes, I still hate mornings. This morning the sun was shining, the trees are turning, the weather is crisp but not yet frigid and I was prepared for class. I wasn't whistling, but pretty damned close. If I were the whistling kind, I think I would have been.

I consciously inhaled deeply and let it out with a smile on my face. Not the smile that I use in my attempt to appear the way I think people want me to appear, not a self-conscious, embarrassed, smiling because I wish I was under a rock and don't know what else to do kind of smile, not a bemused I can't believe I am in this situation kind of smile. It was a real smile. I smiled because I felt happy. No one was looking at me, expecting me to smile; I smiled because I was happy. (Hey! Stop laughing! I do too smile!)

And I realized, in that moment, that I feel happy overall. There are things in my life that still suck. I have way more bills to pay than I have money to pay them. My house is still a disaster zone. I still struggle with the kids. My body is still hurting in way too many places. Etc etc etc. But the bright side, for the first time in so long, is stronger than the doom and gloom. I can't remember the last time the balance tipped this way, not since my junior year of high school. (That's been a while! LOL)

Walking across campus this morning created one of my infamous "Golden Memories" and anyone who knows me and has heard the stories of my Golden Memories also knows that they are extremely rare. But what was different about this is that it wasn't triggered by the situation I was in. It was a Christmas morning out of a fairy tale story or a surreal walk through Lothlorien or anything like that. It was because I knew that for the first time in a VERY long time, I feel more happy than depressed.

Here are some reasons that I am feeling good:

- I am in school and doing very well
- I have friendships with peers rather than having to be someone's mother or the poop on the bottom of their shoe
- my meds are a good mix right now: I can sleep when I need to sleep and wake up when I need to wake up
- the tension between Hubby and I that I didn't realize was there has eased off
- I'm learning how to have my own opinions instead of adopting the opinion of whomever I am with
- I'm opening up to the possibility that I do have something good about me that isn't a direct consequence or reflection of someone else making me look good. I'm doing it on my own.
- things are going SOOO much better with Kid-1. It's more than a lack of conflicts. Situations that had been sending him off the deep end have made him mad (and mouthy at times) but NO tantrums. YAY!
- I reconnected with an old friend. I'd thought about getting in touch with so many times in the past years but was too afraid. Mom's cancer scare pushed me finally do it and I am SO glad I did. I forgot what it was like to have a healthy friendship.

Things aren't perfect. And the things that suck still suck. But things are going in the right direction and are better than they have been in so long that I forgot they actually could be good.

(PS-This isn't proofread cuz I'm running late so excuse the many typos and spelling problems that are likely in it!)

I'm Going to Hell (Happily)

Dear Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I don't know if you are still reading this. If so, you have my blessing to do so. I added a reply comment to yours if you are interested. If you aren't reading, I wish you all the best in your life and your future.

Sincerely,

Me

So Many Thoughts, So Little Time

I have had so many topics in my mind lately that I have wanted to try to work through on paper but simply haven't been able to put high enough on the priority list to justify the time they will take to write. At the moment, I have a few minutes in the library where I don't HAVE to be doing anything. This is designated "school time" but I am caught up on everything except a little reading for Ethics class. (I've skimmed it but it would be ideal for me to go through and read it carefully, even if we will be discussing all of the relevant points in class.) I have a few emails I could send also but they are not at all time critical and, to be honest, I need a bit of a brain break. Nonetheless, I don't have the time to get down all of my thoughts on these ideas but want to at least jot down the topics so I can remember that I was thinking about them.

What Makes a Racist? What role do thoughts have in the judgment that someone is a racist? If their first thought involves a racist judgment, does that make the person a racist? Does it matter what conscious thoughts they replace (or reinforce) the first thoughts with? Does it matter if their behavior intentionally excludes any form of racist actions? There is a huge spectrum here between first thoughts through habitual execution of racist thoughts, beliefs, actions and patterns - where does the hammer come down?

My Attempt to Explore Sociological Principles Through Science Fiction: I have a world brewing in my mind that explores sociological perspectives and what would happen under certain conditions. The beauty of sci-fi is the author's ability to order societal conditions along their own thoughts without reproach. What can be judged analytically is the degree that the story logically and accurately carries out the premises presented. I can create any world I want to, without limits, but the behaviors of the characters must still be consistent with the backstory established and any deviation from known variables must have a valid explanation and derivation from established concepts. For example, I can't have humans flying about under their own power without explaining why they can do that when we what we know of humans precludes this act. At any rate, I find myself retreating into the theoretical concepts of this world whenever I get too stressed, overwhelmed, or bored - especially bored. I have jokingly begun thinking of this world as my test drive since so much of it has been conceived while I am driving.

Always the Middle Path: So many concepts here are being presented as black and white issues. It feels like we are being told to accept all of a position or none of it. I honestly didn't realize the extent that The Shrink has "trained" me to look for the middle path until I find myself irritated that people don't want to do it. It just seems to blatantly obvious that there is an exception to every rule except this one. (I love that little paradox, by the way; it's even more fun than This statement is false.

Getting Stronger: Lately I have been told by several people close to me that I seem "better". Most of them mean or say that I am stronger, more confident, less despondent. Most of them seem to attribute this my finally returning to school and to the now-blessed removal of Her from my life. I think they are partially right. The more I think about it, the more I think that the difference in not in either of these events and more in the fact that I am finally starting to learn to apply all of those concepts that The Shrink and my Guardian Angel have been trying to teach me for so long. The environment I was in tended to harshly punish any attempt to apply those theories, sometimes out of prior conceptions of how I "always" behave or how I "should" behave, sometimes because the situations themselves were unhealthy but, because I had no concept of what "healthy" looks like that I couldn't understand what they meant. Here at school I am seeing how the real world functions. At home, my Oldest Friend (in years I have known him, not his age) has almost moved in due to a very similar situation as She was in. (He sleeps and keeps his stuff at my parents' house but spends all of his time at ours by mutual agreement and due to a number of factors. I have been thoroughly shocked at the difference between what I thought was "normal" and the new experiences in these two areas. So finding the middle path has paid off, as has setting appropriate boundaries.

My Oldest Friend: He has moved back home due to a series of unpleasant events in the state where he used to live. Although he technically lives with my parents, in all but sleeping, he lives with us. Part of my wants to say that this distinction is the heart of the vast difference in experience between Her living with us and him living with us. I still want to give her the benefit of the doubt, regardless of what people want to say. But truly, they are light years apart. Partly it is because I have FINALLY learned the difference between "helping" and "rescuing" but by far the biggest factor is his attitude. I had no idea it was "supposed" to work this way but so many people have told me this is true and I am having to reassess my certainty in my ideas of what behavior is "appropriate" and what is not. This is so much healthier and comfortable. I didn't know those two concepts could exist simultaneously!

Grades, Intelligence, Motivation, and Opportunity: It is official. I have overwhelmingly straight As in all four of my classes. I have perfect scores in 3 of them and a 99.3% in the other due solely to missing a class from the flu. That horribly selfish and vain and narcissistic part of my wants to say that part of this is because of my intelligence. After all, despite equal motivation and time spent, I am the only one who got a A on the critical thinking exam. Of course, realism triumphs and I recognize that I am just more motivated and invested in my grades than the other students. Quite simply, I care more about learning and getting the As than the others who do not have these scores. There is also the very strong factor that I have the luxury of being able to focus on school when I am in school and that I have the support of family and friends in being here. Quite obviously, no matter what the little devil in me says, it is not intelligence but effort that matters. If the others cared as much as I do and could apply themselves as much as I can, they would be right here besides me. Regardless of why I am succeeding, I find myself (surprisingly) proud of myself for doing it.

And my time is up... actually it was up 10 minutes ago and now I will be late so I'm off to the "real world" now. I hope to expand on these previews later but we'll see. I have my priorities, after all...

*Note: this is NOT proof read so I apologize for the spelling, grammar and typos that are most certainly scattered through this post!