My Immortal by Evanescence

It seems like everywhere I look, something reminds me of Uber-Bitch and her daughter. And it still hurts. Sometimes.

Sometimes I hurt because I think of everything that has happened in the past several years and I can't believe that in one argument it is all gone. I get this soundtrack playing on repeat in my mind: "After everything I did for them, everything I gave them, after everything I sacrificed and almost lost to try to help her... how can she say I was never her friend?" Over and over like fingernails on a blackboard and I don't know how to make it stop. I want to cry. I want to understand how this could have happened and how it could have been prevented. I want to make sure I never get caught so totally blindsided again, so no one can hurt me like that again.

But other times I just get angry over it all. Ironically, it's the same record that plays in my head, the same words. Except instead of it hurting like an unexpected knife in the back, it burns with anger like laying a hand down on a hot stove top. When I feel like this, I want to hurt her back. I want to go off on her, tell her exactly who she really is and say the most crippling things I can think of. I want to say things to her that she won't ever be able to forget, no matter how hard she tries. I want to scar her, like I feel that she has scarred me. I want revenge, emotional of course, rather than physical.

Then there are nights like tonight when I am too tired and too overwhelmed to even have an emotional response. She continues to vilify me, even now, and I wonder if she will ever look back and see that I had her back the whole way. Somehow I doubt it. I guess numb is better than pain and more comfortable than anger. But I still want to know how long it will take before I can breathe again.

This song by Evanescence reflects how everything around me reminds me of her and her daughter. It all is still so fresh, it's like being haunted by the ghosts of what used to be. The bolded parts are especially fitting...



"My Immortal" (Evanescence)

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus:]
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus]

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

[Chorus]