Recently I've really been relying on my creativity to get me through some rough emotions and circumstances. I've been painting about the raw emotions that don't quite have words, just colors and images. I've been writing, trying to get down the hard truth of 16 years ago. And I wrote another song.
I'm trying to sort out the situation between Uber-Bitch and me through it. I have the lyrics down. I had them typed up but it was on my hard drive. Lucky for me I printed a hard copy to edit by hand so I didn't lose it all.
So I have this song, the lyrics and the melody. I can hear it in my head as crystal clear as a song from the radio stuck in my head. But, despite 8+ years of rather accomplished (pardon my "modesty" here) musical training (1 year of recorder, 5 years of violin, and 3 years of voice training), I simply don't have the skill to get the song out of my head and onto the score. I know music composition and music theory. I can translate a musical score into violin fingerings or singing. I can even, though very slowly, pick out the notes on the piano. But I can't translate the sound in my head to notes on the staff without a HUGE amount of trial and error. I have been working on this for over 8 hours and I only have the first 5 lines done (12 measures in common time).
Even once I finally manage to get this song transcribed, I know very little about creating harmony and almost nothing about turning the whole thing into a complete song of the right genre. Nor do I have any idea at all where to find a resource to help me. And if I could find a resource, it would undoubtedly cost more than a pretty penny. After all of which I might have a decent song (that I could do nothing with) but what about all the other songs that float in and out of my head? What about "I Miss You" (a song that I wrote last May)?
Ironically, it isn't even like I plan to pursue finding someone to perform the song commercially. I don't care if it ever goes anywhere outside of my own knowledge. For all I care, it could remain as a file on my computer forever or someone else could claim it as their own, perform it commercially and make a million dollars off of it with me not seeing a penny. I don't care. I just want to be able to use the creativity inside me to help myself heal.
Just like my writing, which I do because I want to and not with the specific intent of having it published, I paint for myself, and write these songs for myself. But unlike the painting and the writing, which may suck but can be completed, I don't have the skill to complete the musical creations.
And this frustrates me to no end. I have a problem that I can't see any viable solutions for. It's not like the problem I have in keeping the house clean where I know what the problem is and how to fix it, I just can't seem to actually do it. It's not like the emotional healing I am in therapy for where I can see the direction The Shrink is leading me but can't figure out how to walk the path laid before me. With the songwriting, I can see where I am and I can see where I want to be but I have absolutely no idea what the steps are to get there.
GGRRRRRR!!!
The worst jokes I have ever written
13 years ago
2 comments:
I probably shouldn't do this but you had an opportunity to spit out some pretty vile things on my blog so I'm going to take one opportunity to clear the air a little bit.
I don't care what you say about me as you're entitled to your own opinion and welcome to it. And I don't give a crap what you say on my blog. I find it intensely amusing overall. But I have to draw the line at the things you've said about my daughter i.e. kid 5. Enough is enough. I'm an uber-bitch? No, someone who talks badly about an innocent 2 year old who has always adored her is the true uber-bitch. Not to mention thinking you were EVER a better mother for her than me - that's such a joke!
At least I had the balls to make sure your son knew I disliked his behavior and wasn't willing to tolerate it any further. My daughter did nothing wrong to you at all.
What has made me laugh these last few weeks is that you thought I didn't know where your blog was. Of course, seeing what you've written made me think maybe you had clued in eventually and I didn't care. I've been reading it off and on for ages but didn't bother to tell you because you get so hyper about it and I figured at least this way I'd know the truth. I had such a hard time keeping my mouth shut after all the lies you've told me in the past year. This blog is why I and my daughter will never have anything to do with you. You sealed your own fate LONG before I wrote about our argument. It was only to protect Libby that I hesitated and now I wish I'd acted sooner. I would have been SO much better off.
Reread back through 2008, especially from October through December and remember all the times you weren't functioning, it was ME that tried my damndest to help you, to protect your kids. But I'm the user, the snake you let into your house? You didn't have the freaking guts to tell me, to my face, that you didn't like me but you were perfectly willing to do so on your blog! You're no better than Kelly or any of the other people who've done the same thing. You go ahead and think that crap if it makes you feel better... I know the truth.
If more people knew how much of a two-faced liar you are, they'd be more hesitant about maintaining a relationship with you.
THAT'S what ended our relationship, what happened with you trying to blame me for your son's out of control behavior and me moving out was just the straw that broke the camel's back. You have resented me for months and I kept waiting for you to step forward, to tell me the truth. And you wonder how I can think you weren't my friend? BECAUSE IT'S ALL RIGHT HERE. Read it and refresh your memory because it's way off. Maybe you can think you are better than me but at LEAST I'm HONEST about who I am. Yes I was pissed off and upset about your behaviors last year. Yes, I thought you might have been faking at one point but eventually realized it could have been med induced after talking with your father. You talk about how I can't see beyond myself - that's such bullshit it's not even funny. I've always tried to see your point of view but it's so screwed up YOU don't even know what it is! I still did what needed to be done and tried not to resent it. Instead you took all that and twisted it to make me out to be some villain to anyone who would listen.
I overreacted? Yeah, maybe so just because I was KICKING myself for not having done it sooner. I was SO stupid to believe for so long that things would get better. That you actually valued me as a person. That makes me a complete idiot but at least I fixed it eventually.
At least I can look in the mirror and accept that I still have work to do on myself. You don't even dare look in the mirror for fear it'll crack. And justifiably so.
So don't feel sorry for me. Feel sorry for yourself. Because right now you need way more sympathy than I do.
I'm not trying to start a blog war so don't bother sending your little dumb friends my way. Nothing they say (or you for that matter) will faze me. I don't really care if you think I'm wrong.
Hi SV,
I tried to comment yesterday, but it disappeared...so here goes again.
It is not talent you lack, only practice and information.
Think how long it took to learn to write, to read, to play the piano. Writing a composition is like that. You have the components you just need some practice, and maybe some lessons to put it all together and become as good at that as you are at other things you have learned.
...aqua
Post a Comment