Square Peg in a Round Hole

Kid-3 announced today that he doesn't like his Sunday school class because he never learns anything and finds it pointless. I don't want to force him to go to a class he hates but I do want him to go to church. Being mostly asleep this morning and not having the time to consider what to do, we gave him the choice of going to class or coming to service with us. He chose to come with us. We attend the contemporary service which is mostly modern music performed by a live group. It does have a sermon, of course, but it doesn't have all the pomp and circumstance that most of them do.

Well, Kid-3 enjoyed the service and as we put our chairs away, he said he already knew what he was going to say when we talked about what we learned at church today. I feel much better. He plans to attend service with us from now on.

The Youth-Pastor gave the sermon again. The last sermon I heard of his was all about evangelism and alternately annoyed and bored me. He started out waxing enthusiastic about a friend and fellow pastor that is visiting the church. The guy has been working with Muslims to turn them into Christians for 15 years and Youth-Pastor couldn't heap enough praise on him. Then he launched into the Bible reading, part of a story about some lepers who went to the enemy camp to surrender only to find it empty. They stole some stuff and hid it and then decided they were doing the wrong thing and had to go tell the city the good news.

Of course, Youth-Pastor turned it into a lesson on evangelism. Yawn. But he also put it out there that no matter how big the problem, God is bigger and stronger. That clicked with Kid-3 and I like the concept as well. He had another point too but it neither appealed to me nor annoyed me so I have already forgotten what it was.

All the way through the service, I kept feeling out of place. Looking at the Apostles' Creed on the big screen and listening to everyone around me repeating it like mindless zombies really brought home how much I don't fit in. I am trying, I really am but I feel like a square peg trying to cram myself into a round hole. I want to believe. It would be nice to believe in something or someone who can grant instant forgiveness and make everything all better. It would be nice to believe in the same things most people I know believe in. I guess I thought if I found a round hole big enough, it wouldn't matter that I'm a square peg.

Last week with The Shrink, by way of introduction to the topic of Communion freaking me out, I explained my hypocrisy about taking them to church. I quite confused him, once I explained that I can't get my head around the whole concept of worshiping a man. And yet here I am, going out of my way and out of my comfort zone to ensure my kids learn the ways and rituals and the beliefs of the very religion I can't believe in.

I told him that I keep trying to believe. He stopped me and asked me why I was trying to force something like that. I told him that I have a hole; something is missing. I want it to be faith. And even though I can't get it to fit, yet, I am still trying. And I accept that I may never get there and yet still push my kids to find faith in the church. I am a hypocrite - but I'm okay with that.

The only thing that worries me is the fear of never filling that hole, especially since I don't know what is missing from it. What if it isn't religion at all?