Current Themesong: Fake It by Seether

My theme song changes as I change and grow, as circumstances change, as time goes on. I'm sure it would be interesting to go back and look at my self-reported theme songs to chart my progress but I'm not in the mood right now. Maybe later. In the meantime, here is the current theme:

Fake It by Seether

Who's to know if your soul will fade at all
The one you sold to fool the world
You lost your self-esteem along the way
Yeah

[Chorus:]
Good god you're coming up with reasons
Good god you're dragging it out
Good god it's the changing of the seasons
I feel so raped
So follow me down
And just fake it if you're out of direction
Fake it if you don't belong here
Fake it if you feel like affection
Woah you're such a fucking hypocrite

And you should know that the lies won't hide your flaws
No sense in hiding all of yours
You gave up on your dreams along the way
Yeah

[Chorus]

Whoah
Whoah

I can fake with the best of anyone
I can fake with the best of em all
I can fake with the best of anyone
I can fake it all

Who's to know if your soul will fade at all
The one you sold to fool the world
You lost your self-esteem along the way
Yeah

[Chorus]

Fake it if you're out of direction
Fake it if you don't belong here
Fake it if you feel like infection
Woah you're such a fucking hypocrite

This song replaces Let You Down by Three Days Grace. Whereas that one expressed the firm conviction and fear that no matter how hard I try, I will always end up letting everyone down, this song reflects my attitude and bearing towards the world. The song is all about the "fake it til you make it" advice that is rampant and the pressure I feel from the world to be fine and okay and doing well regardless of how things really are.

Who's to know if your soul will fade at all - the one you sold to fool the world? How much of myself have I given up to make the world feel more comfortable looking at me? They want me to be a certain way and I do my best to give that to them. But how much of what is me have I sacrificed?

You lost your self-esteem along the way By this time, I have indeed lost all self-confidence in my own ability to judge who I should be and what should I do and what I should want. All I know is that what I feel is not socially acceptable and therefore must be adapted, changed, on the surface if nothing else.

Good god you're coming up with reasons, good god you're dragging it out That seems to be my MO these days if I have to deal with people at all. I try to come up with any way possible to avoid it and if I can't avoid it, I stall as long as possible before doing it.

Good god it's the changing of the seasons, I feel so raped rank, so follow me down (I can't stand that word and besides it sounds like he says "rank" - as in stinky and yuck) It's like everything around me is changing or supposed to be changing and I just feel stupid and out of place and pressured to change like they want me to. It's like I'm dragging myself under and taking others with me.

And just fake it if you're out of direction, fake it if you don't belong here. Fake it if you feel like affection I never seem to know what I am supposed to be doing. I feel out of place and awkward and like a zit on the face of the head cheerleader. But I don't want people to think less of me - I crave their approval and their affection. So I fake it. I put on a face and I try to do what they want me to, what they expect me to.

You're such a fucking hypocrite I go on and on about not lying and telling the truth. I take such "pride" in not lying. I preach to my kids about having the self-esteem to be who they are and love themselves for who they are... and yet I live a lie. Almost all of what others see is a mask put on for their benefit. As for self-esteem and loving myself, no amount of masks can cover the fact that I am a hypocrite
in that arena.

And you should know that the lies won't hide your flaws, no sense in hiding all of yours Like I said, no amount of masks completely cover the fact that I'm not who they want me to be. I know that and they know that - it's enough to make one wonder why bother hiding behind the lies. Except that I have to try to be the me they want me to be.

You gave up on your dreams along the way How much have I given up over the course of my life to become what they want? I have trouble even thinking on that topic for too long.

I can fake with the best of anyone, I can fake with the best of em all, I can fake with the best of anyone. I can fake it all... But when push comes to shove, I can put on a mask and hold my own for a while. Especially for my kids. I can be strong when handling their affairs. They don't really understand the concept that I have the problems I do. And I can blend in with the PTA Moms and make all the right impressions on the teachers and staff. I can even pull off events with the In-Laws and have people tell me that I'm looking good and that it's good to see me feeling better.

But the truth is... I wonder how much of my soul is being eaten away by this pattern of behavior. Not that I am really willing to think there is a better way. It's not just Fake it. It's Fake It til you make it...