For Better or Worse

I have a feeling this post is going to be rambling. I haven't updated in a while and have some scattered thoughts to get down.

For Better: I have noticed a substantial difference since starting the Concerta. I feel much better able to problem solve and think logically. I don't feel as confused and overwhelmed by multiple details co-existing. Large tasks aren't as likely to send me into a crying jag or panic attack. BFF has commented several times on my apparent increase in follow-through and motivation. This is because I did up our budget and reworked the chore chart. I also pulled back out the Medicaid paperwork and double-checked the requirements. I'm not sure my doing these things can be attributed to increased performance from the medication as there were natural catalysts to propel me to do these things and think I would have done them regardless. But I do think it was easier to do them because I could better pay attention to the details and think more clearly.

For Worse: I seem to be stuck in this cycle of alternating between irritable and apathetic. Most things don't phase me (up or down), even things that previously elicited an emotional response from me. At the same time, I find myself easily irritated by little things. I have little patience with Kid-5 these days; instead of laughing at her quirks, they annoy me. I am having to bite my tongue all the time with BFF and she isn't even doing anything really. For no apparent reason, I just feel constantly put upon by everyone and everything. It's not like the demands on my time and energy have changed at all so I'm sure how to explain the shift in attitude and I certainly don't know what to do about it.

Valentine's Day: I hate surprises, as I say a lot. I crave predictability to the point of precognition. Since precognition is a bit beyond my grasp, I go into this pattern of mentally evaluating every possible outcome, situation and/or choice that may occur in order to have a response prepared. When I know something is coming that I can't predict, such as the impending V-Day gift from Hubby, I get nervous. The number of possibilities to sift through in my mind becomes exponential and I get bogged down in generating responses for them. I know this isn't logical and certainly isn't efficient but I don't know how else to alleviate the fear generated by the situation.

I discussed this with The Shrink last Wednesday, specifically in regards to Valentine's Day. Once again, The Shrink showed his disapproval of Hubby. I told him that Hubby doesn't do romance and I don't do surprises and described how I stopped expecting romance in any form from him because he simply isn't capable of it and also how it is nearly impossible to surprise me. The Shrink claimed that he would be able to surprise me, which I denied. He persisted, going so far as to claim that he would be able to surprise me 12 times in the next 3 months - which is basically every session. I told him there's no way he could pull it off even once. I confess to making it sound like a challenge, mostly because he got my curiosity piqued by that point. I have been with The Shrink for 3 years and he is not the "blank slate" kind of therapist - his reactions are honest and genuine. I'm pretty sure I know where he stands on everything pertaining to me. I can't imagine anything he could do or say and still stay true to himself and he is not the kind of person that would deliberately be untrue to himself. So I'm nervous and curious to see what happens Wednesday. I've been running scenarios in my mind ever since, everything I can think of whether it makes sense or not, and have not come up with anything that he could do to surprise me. I will be glad come Wednesday when he has forgotten about it and the session comes and goes without incident. (This, btw, is by far the mostly likely outcome.) Then I can relax and not worry about him continuing to try in future sessions.

But - once the playful challenging was over, he did help me find a mindset that allowed me to relax (mostly) regarding Hubby's V-Day gift. He had me examine the intention behind the gift. What does Hubby mean by giving me this present? Why is he doing it? Well, the answer is to show his love for me and to make me feel good. So The Shrink told me to approach the gift - regardless of what it tangibly is - as a token of that intent. No matter if it is the best gift in the universe or something horrible and downright offensive, the gift that Hubby is giving me is a token of how much he loves me and a tangible representation of his desire to make me happy.

I can't believe how much that helped! The two things that bother me about gifts, most especially surprise gifts, is not knowing the intention behind the gift (and, directly related to that, what is expected of me in return) and the fear of reacting the "wrong" way to the gift. In this case, I know the intention and the resulting expectation so I am already prepped for that. And viewing the gift itself as merely a symbol allows me to react to the intention rather than the tangible aspect of it.

I can apply that to any gift! It is a much shorter list to evaluate the possible motives for a gift than all the things that gift could tangibly be. And the leap from motive to consequences is relatively short. This will also help with coaching myself on reactions to known gifts of less than optimum desirability. VERY helpful...

The Gift Itself: Not only did I get to sleep in until *I* wanted to get up, I woke up to a dozen, long-stemmed, red roses on the pillow next to me. Awwwww! That evening we went out to dinner (Logan's - yum!) and a movie (Confessions of a Shopoholic - meh). But the actual gift was.... (drumroll) A DIAMOND RING! While we were waiting for dinner seating, I sent him back into the restaurant to get a pager. (They were out of them when we put our names down.) When he reached into his pocket to give me the pager, he brought out a ring box and handed them both to me. Inside the box was my wedding ring. I haven't been able to wear it months and months because it needed repaired. He had taken it and gotten it repaired for me. YAY!! (I love my ring and missed it terribly!)

Missing Muse: I still am not writing. Occasionally I will mess about with my novel or scribble part of a short story but for the most part, the desire to write simply is not here. It's not like I don't have the time. I do. I just don't WANT to write.