The SV Chronicles: The Music of my Mind

Somewhere along the way, I have gotten lost. I feel so small, so confused, so unsure of anything except my own failures. I know I deserve every bit of what I am receiving yet their words cut at me, their tone bruises me and their eyes burn me. I never meant to hurt anyone. If I could take it back, I would. If I could do something to fix it, I would. If I could promise to never again screw up - and not be lying - I WOULD! But I can't.

Three Days Grace has captured my mindset. They say the words I cannot...

"I will
"Let you down I will
"When you finally trust me, finally believe in me
"I will
"Let you down I will"

I don't know what is happening to me. A dark despair, like drowning in an icy, bottomless pool, grips my mood despite my efforts to break free and swim. I'm so frightened all of the time. I'm having trouble controlling my thoughts. Memories throw themselves against the backs of my eyes and I don't know if they are real or waking nightmares. Thoughts I am not allowed to think echo through my head like broken records. I try to replace them with the prescribed thoughts that I should be thinking but they ring hollow, canned laughter behind a not-funny sit-com. The parts of me to keep me afloat are either falling silent, like my wounded Ginny, or screaming unconvincingly like my fact-throwing Doc. I don't even recognize my own voice, my own face in the mirror is someone else, my life is a bad, made for tv movie with grown up child actors clinging to faling careers. I hate this Animal I Have Become.

"HELP ME BELIEVE IT'S NOT THE REAL ME!! SOMEBODY HELP ME TAME THIS ANIMAL I HAVE BECOME!!"

So much of me is saturated with fear. I can't even identify the source of most of it. I'm just scared. I want to hide. I'm functioning but even that is out of fear. I don't know what my problem is but there has to be a way to stop this fear that is controlling so much of me. The Xanax really does help take the edge off. But I am afraid to take it. I don't want anyone to think I'm an addict or anything and I'm getting such mixed messages about taking it or any other medication. I take one when I get up just so that I can face the day but it wears off. And then I'm just scared, so scared I can't think straight. WHY?! Why is this happening?!

Maybe tomorrow there will be hope. Maybe tomorrow there will be light. Maybe tomorrow will bring peace and the ability to live inside my own skin. I cannot be alone in the world. Others must feel like I do SOMETIMES. "Even heroes have the right to bleed" and all that, right? Maybe tomorrow I will be able to see the world beyond the darkness. Maybe tomorrow I will feel better equipped to hold on and keep going.

"Everybody bleeds the same

"Somebody holds the other line

And somebody does hold the other line. I have so much support. So many people were hurt by my actions because they care about me. I know they love me. I know I should be able to turn to them for help and support. They want me to. I am loved...

"Don't give up. It's just the weight of the world..."

It's easy to say that but so much harder to do anything about it. I don't know how to be the me I need to be. Everyone wants me to be someone different. They want me to be happy and healthy in the way that they perceive as "best" and I do try. Some want me to smile all the time. Others want me to find God and Christ in my life. A couple just want me to be "me" - whoever that is. How do I please them all? How do I be all I need to be when all I can do is Keep Breathing?