Livin La Vi Da Loca

This roller coaster is going to be the death of me - or someone else. I drag through the late morning and early afternoon, am fine for about three hours, then I'm wired until the next early afternoon. The lows are so low I wanna die. I am so tired that I literally can't breathe and get dizzy. Then it gets to where I can't stand up and my muscles go all gooey. From there I lay down or faint.

You think I'm exaggerating? Maybe I am... I think fainting means that gray goes all the way to black and the swift descent to the floor goes unnoticed until someone slaps your face. If that's the case, then yes. I exaggerated. It didn't go completely black, only to that deep gray that is like wet slate. And I while I didn't *see* the ground coming at me, there is a peculiar rushing somewhere between the back of my eyes and the inside of my ears that is unique to dropping to the ground. But I certainly didn't lay there like a dehydrated Southern Belle. I hit my head on a chair as I went down and then again on the floor once I was down. And I felt them both so I wasn't out like a light. Once I was down, the gray oozed back to (too) bright. I sat up, wished I hadn't, and sat there on the floor for about 5 minutes. Then I got up, called Mom to say I wasn't coming to get Baby and sat down for a few more minutes until my legs weren't so jelly and then went upstairs, slowly. I crawled into bed and passed out for 2 solid hours. I was SOOO tired - I didn't even wake up the whole time. About 2 o'clock I woke up and just kind of sat there for almost 15 minutes. I stumbled around until it was time to get my kids from school and was fine by then. I ran even-stevens until about 5 o'clock. Then I spazzed. Like usual these days.

The highs are to the point where I talk really fast and can't keep a line of conversation going without splitting off into 3 directions at once. (Okay, that's not too far off from me... *evil grin*) I bounce or tap or rock or fidget - or all of them at once. I feel invincible emotionally and pain-free physically. My hands shake. Apparently, I annoy the hell out of people, too. And I lose my ability to multi-task. That is a crusher there... I can tolerate most of it. But the last 2 are deal-breakers. Got Craig so mad at me.... it was ugly. And I can't stand not being able to do more than one thing at a time - how do linear thinkers survive?!?!?!

Going to talk to the med-shrink. This can't be right...

"I'm in over my head, over my head..." ("Cable Car (Over My Head)", I can't remember who sings it. will look later)