Echoes Past and Present

The Shrink hit me where it hurts today. I started it. I said it first. We were discussing Hubby still being irritated and frustrated and snappish. He asked what Hubby needs to feel loved and I said things like being listened to and supported and things like that and I remarked, almost offhand, that he would probably like more intimacy and me to start it too, but oh well. The conversation migrated and all I ended up hearing was blah blah blah If you want Hubby to be be happy to have to prove you want to be intimate with him blah blah blah.

And that is so much the message I feel I got from the worst of sources: You owe me this. If you want me to like you, be nice to you, stand up for you, loveyou, then you need to show me you want this (and if you don't, you'd better be very good at pretending). It felt like my past had come full circle and every horrid thing I had been trained to believe and started to question had turned out to be accurate after all.

I lost it. To be honest, I don't remember hardly anything else he said. I remember him laughing at me then trying to apologize for treating the subject so cavalierly. I remember him trying to call me back to the room a couple times. I remember him not wanting me to leave because he wasn't sure I was safe. I don't remember much else.

Actually, I think that gave me the final push over the edge into a breakdown. More on that that later. I am writing this now, on the 12th of December, what was started late on the evening of the 3rd of December and occurred early on that morning because everything else in between was like driving at high speed through dense fog. Hopefully I am through the worst of the messy emotional storms and back to a safer pace of life.