Cracked My Head (Hurt - Falls Apart)

In the middle of the song "Falls Apart" (by Hurt) are the following lyrics:

I cracked my head and broke my
I cracked my head and broke my
I cracked my head and broke my...heart

And the hell of it is what we are
We finish and wish we could start again
Our skin tears away as our memories fade with age
And we don't even know 'til its gone...
But everything just fell apart
'Cause everything just falls apart for me


I think that is an accurate summary of today.

Where to begin...? Idle chatter. That's where I always begin and that's what always throws me off-track. Typically it's "How are we today?" just because the 'we' makes him squirm. He's getting used to it though, finally. Today it was simple. "Did you have a good Easter?" followed by a discussion on why jelly beans and Mountain Dew do NOT make for a good breakfast. I don't remember where it went from there but eventually it landed with me laying down my proclamation on him:

"There are times when I am perfectly capable of rational, healthy thought patterns and beliefs."

Well, that intrigued him, as I had hoped it would. He wanted an example so I gave him my prepared statement (from a couple weeks ago *rolls eyes at self*). "He set me up."

Shrink was happy and frustrated at the same time. He's been trying to tell me this for how long? I didn't have the nerve to tell him I couldn't see it until I saw it for myself. But then he pushed on. About choices and control and the stretch of a child's world. I drifted in and out, relying on Babble to hear what he was saying so I could repeat it on command. And he did indeed ask me to repeat what he had said so that he knew I had heard and understood him. Babble helpfully complied. But she was whispering. He kept his guard up, watching me.

And then he kept pushing and pushing until I felt like lightning was going to rip my skull apart. Every word out of his mouth was weight on my chest, taking away the air. And I left.

At this point I'm not sure if I should tell you what actually happened next and follow chronologically or follow it through my own eyes. My eyes is more dramatic so I'll go that route. *wink* Always one for drama, aren't I?

So the Shrink is pushing me harder and harder and I break and run for it. I had the presence of mind to tell Babble not to let him know I was gone before I left but she doesn't really like being in charge so that didn't go over well. Next thing I know, my head hurts like hell. And it's no wonder since I had been banging it against the wall..... UNTIL IT BLED.

What the hell is going on?!

'Bout time you showed up... (That was Babble.)

My head hurts.

Um, yeah, better go check on that.

So apparently when I took off for my little siesta, Babble wouldn't take the reins. Since I told her to not let the Shrink know I had left, she wouldn't let Zombie take over. And that was when the mutiny occurred. End result was me staring at the wall for 5 minutes only to have Ginny decide to "help" but Shrink saw right through her. Asked her how old she was so she panicked and called Mary out. The two o them together managed to confuse the royal hell out of Shrink for a bit. When Shrink started getting agitated, Babble finally stepped in and over the course of about 5 more minutes gradually slid my words and motions back to a "normal" standard for me. Shrink still kept firing questions quicker than she could answer them so that didn't exactly work but he let us leave.

My SIL cancelled on me for our walking schedule and my Dad cancelled on me (last week) for lunch so I just went home. And everyone roared and argued and fought until Pyro had nearly broken free. Babble again stepped in, with the help of Max, to try to bring me back to put a stop to some of the chaos.

It would seem they decided (with much support) to "knock some sense" back into me.

Ouch. Cuts and burns don't hurt. Cold and heat don't hurt. But I've never mastered the knack of getting rid of a headache. Now I have a goose-egg with cuts throughout it - AND A HEADACHE! But at least it's easy to provide a cover story. Officially, I banged my head on the van door. (Yes, I made sure to go do just that so that it is true.) Unofficially... OUCH.

And I still didn't manage to tell the shrink most of what I had in mind. I had it all lined up and just... froze. Until afterwards, sitting on the couch and thinking of all the things I should have said. And it feels like Everything just falls apart...