Random Thoughts

Once again my head is swimming with ideas I want to bounce around but don't have the time to do full blog posts about. Usually, by the time I have the time I am willing to spend on blogging, most of the ideas have dwindled into hazy memories, if they are still present at all. So here's a quick list, to remind myself later, what I was mulling over today:

Thanksgiving: How to be grateful with a pessimistic outlook.

Theory vs Application: I understand so much of what I am learning in my life. In academics, I have started to see everyday examples of the concepts we are studying. A few still escape me, like trying to tell when a fallacy, although wrong in structure, may still be true in content. Mostly, though, the things I learn in therapy and life seem to escape me when it comes time to put them into practice. I am perfectly capable of identifying the good side to almost anything... but it is an intellectual recognition and more often than not, there is no corresponding boost in optimism. Or I understand the concept of being more willing to accept my strengths but when I try to incorporate the thoughts, my head explodes with negativity. I get it... I just can't use it.

Things I Do Right: The Shrink had me make a list of 20 things I do right. It was a nightmare and I still only got 12 honest ones and another 6 with strong conditions attached. That's close...

Checklist for Qualities and Actions that Make a "Good Mom": this is the homework for this week. We made a list of qualities that a good mom necessarily possesses. Now I need to go through and give each one two ratings, scale 0 - 100. One rating is an objective rating of how well I achieve the item, striving to be based on evidence and NOT on feeling. The other rating is the opposite. It is how well I feel that I achieve the item, my own subjective perception of it. Next week we'll tackle the evidence versus the perception.

Ditch the Religion: I am on a bit of an anti-religion kick at the moment. This is not to be confused with atheism or even agnosticism. I still consider myself very spiritual. But I simply cannot back organized religion at this time. I tried, believe me I tried! I think it would be so much easier to have that kind of blind faith in the teachings of a particular doctrine, faith so unshakable that it supports my spirit when I would despair, faith so unquestioning that, even when life contradicts everything that seems good and holy, I could still cling to it and stay afloat. And I tried... I did the whole church every Sunday thing. We took most of the new member class and learned about the religion. But I just can't swallow it.

The meaning of Christmas: Given the anti-religious sentiments I have at the moment, where does Christmas fit into my life? I'm not buying into the whole "birth of the Savior" concept because I don't buy into most of the foundation for it. But in my mind, Christmas transcends Christianity. It is about humanity. I need to find my Christmas spirit soon. To do that, I will need to reassess what Christmas actually means to me.

What is a Racist? I started a post on this. Is it first thoughts? Consciously corrected thoughts? Spoken beliefs? Actual behavior? If you are racist but don't want to be, does that mean you actually aren't? Or does it mean that you will forever be racist?

R-E-S-P-E-C-T: What is respect? Why do we give it? Why do we withdraw it? Why do we lose it? What makes someone worthy of respect? Why do we respect or withdraw respect for the wrong reasons? Must respect be mutual to be valid?

Life Lessons of Late: I've learned some pretty huge things here recently. I learned the difference between rescuing and helping. I've learned the value of trust. I've learned that sometimes the opinions that others express can be right even when we don't want to believe them. I've learned to stand my ground, at least a little bit. I've learned that placing any expectations at all on someone sets me up to be let down and/or betrayed, no matter how appropriate those expectations are. I've learned that I can do something right - even on my own merits. I've learned that being "good at" does not require being "perfect at". I've learned that unconditional love doesn't go away, even after a betrayal, even if you want it to. I've learned that loving a person does not require wanting to associate with them. I've learned that a horrible experience with one person does not mean another person will be horrible too, even in similar circumstances. I've learned that kids are tough, tougher than I am sometimes.

Happy Holidays! Some people get irritated when people say happy holidays instead of merry christmas. But what if you say it that way not to be politically correct but because you hope that all of their holidays are happy? Merry Christmas is rather limiting in that respect. I think I am going to try "May all your holidays be happy!" instead of MC or HH...

(PS - pardon the lack of proof-reading. I am WAY out of time!!)

Forgetting to Breathe

Sounds like the title of a poem or song or short story or even a novel, doesn't it? Very emo, I think. But I don't mean it that way actually, although I may take that title and do something with it some day. But this post isn't anything creative or emotional, it's just another bitch fest. I can whine here because no one is being forced to listen to it. So, for anyone reading, consider yourself warned. You may want to get some cheese to go with this whine...

I am sick - again. I have either a nasty cold or the start of the flu. My throat feels like ground up meat and my voice is gone, ranging from soft and hoarse to almost no sound coming out. I feel like there is a weight on my chest - not an elephant at least, more like a heavy cat stretched out for a nap. I have a very small cough that tastes beyond nasty and hurts.

But it's the upper respiratory stuff that gets weird... My head is stuffy and pressure sensitive. Nothing unusual there. But my nose alternates between being clogged with concrete and open, albeit runny and slightly sore. When it's clogged, I keep forgetting to breathe. I know that sounds weird but what else would you expect from me? Once again I think a medical degree would be handy. Failing that, here is my best guess at what is happening.

I am almost exclusively a nose breather. So when my nose gets completely clogged, I end up accidentally holding my breath. Then my lungs start to yell at me, "HEY! REMEMBER US? BREATHE DAMMIT!" and I inhale deeply and remind myself to breathe for a while, until I forget and repeat the whole process.

In all, it really isn't all that serious. I suspect it is just a cold since I don't have a fever at all. And the rest of the symptoms, while certainly not fun, aren't nearly as bad as they could be. I did skip class today because I am 100% ready for the test Monday and all we are doing is continued review for it. The high probability of passing around my cold plus the pain of trying to talk with no voice just wasn't worth putting in an appearance just to say I was there.

At any rate, I hope this goes away soon. I'm struggling with mental and emotional fatigue enough as it is without adding physical fatigue and illness to the mix!

When the Comment are More Fun Than the Post

So I am an example of how Americans will believe anything and a veritable case study in effective marketing. I was watching TV in a mindless fashion. (The kind where it's playing a lame kids' show and I'm not actually watching it but was too lazy/disinterested to change the channel or turn it off.) This commercial comes on for a game called "MindFlex" that claims you control the levitation of a foam ball by modifying your level of concentration. It claims to use a type of EEG reading technology then translate it into a degree of intensity which it transmits from the wireless headset to game base and changing how hard the air from the fan blows, thus changing how high or low the ball goes.

It sounded totally AWESOME but highly suspicious. True to form, I hit the internet to try to find "the truth" - a laughable aim given the realm. First I hit the site for the game itself: http://mindflexgames.com/. There is some great hype there but the FAQ say basically nothing useful. Next I hit Amazon to see the price and any user reviews. At Amazon, there was a wide range of user perspectives. Most were very favorable but one of them said they hooked it up to their fingers and it still behaved the same way.

That was a red flag for me so I kept digging. That led me to an article at gizmodo. The article itself is relatively useless with no new light shed on the toy. But the comments!! The comments had me literally LOL, to the point that the kids wanted to know what was so funny.

I highly recommend the article for geeks who want a laugh...