I've Been Here Before

Yesterday was a pretty crappy day. Among other things, I ended up having to call the police about Kid-1. It's Spring Break and I made BFF agree that I didn't have to watch Kid-5 until noon this week. Well, she came and got me about 11 - Kid-1 refused to take his morning meds and picked a fight with his brother then threw at fit at BFF for asking him if he had taken the meds. I got up and tried to get him to take his meds calmly but things progressed and he refused and I physically forced him to come into the house. (I was afraid he would take off into the neighborhood because he was so angry.) Even once in the house, I couldn't get him calm again and I couldn't get him to take his meds. It escalated further and I pinned him to the floor in the kitchen and he still wouldn't take his meds. So I had BFF call 911 and send for the cops.

The cops came. They had one heck of a time calming him down. While two of the four cops were trying to talk him down and one of them was wandering aimlessly up and down the hallway looking bored, the other one stood there looking confused.

He looked around several times and then he looked back at me and he says, "I've been here before."

I blushed and shrugged and nodded my head towards Kid-1, still struggling with the officers. "This isn't the first time..."

But the officer shook his head. "No, not for him." He continued to look around him. "It was something worse, much worse. It was something horrible."

"It might have been me. I overdosed a couple of years ago." The desire to hide under the covers and never come out again grew so strong at that point that it must have been written in neon over my head.

"Was that you? On the couch?"

"Yeah, that was me." I shrugged again and tried to smile. "I'm doing much better now."

It clicked in his eyes. "I didn't think you were going to make it."

My attention was redirected back to Kid-1 at that point, for which I was rather grateful. But it has stuck with me since then. I knew that I had come close that day but I guess I didn't realize just how close.

And now I keep thinking, "What if?" What if I had succeeded? I know it would have hurt everyone deeply, horribly, irrevocably. But at least it would be over. At least I wouldn't still be hurting everyone all the time, letting them down all the time, holding them back and setting them off, neglecting them and using them.... Wouldn't they seriously be better off without me?

And yet I'm stuck here. And this bites.