Rebutting Catastrophizing

At the recommendation of my Med-Shrink, I am reading the book "The Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Sourcebook". I am reading a part right now about rebutting various cognitive distortions. One of them is catastrophizing, which basically seems to be blowing something so out of proportion that it seems like the end of the world, unconquerable, unendurable. I find myself doing this a lot. I will start to worry about something and before I know it, it has me all riled up and seriously freaked out.

There is a technique that I've learned that really helps me. It calms me down and lets me start thinking rationally again. I look at the situation that has me freaking out and ask myself what is the worst thing that could happen. Once I've acknowledged the worst thing, I ask myself what I would do then. Once I make a plan for handling the worst case, I don't obsess with worry over it anymore.

For example, the papers I just did for school. I was so worried about not getting them done on time that I paralyzed myself and couldn't write them. So I asked myself what would be the worst thing that could happen. The answer: I wouldn't get the papers done in time and would get an F in course. That would be truly horrible. BUT... if I got an F in the course, I can always retake it and it would disappear out of my GPA. Now the worst case isn't a scary, shadowy, mystery any more and I can focus. (BTW, I got the papers written. I actually got As on them and therefore in the class but because I was prepared to cope with any grade I received, the fear didn't paralyze me any more.)

This really works for me. It gets me unstuck out of the paralyzing fear of failure. But it bothers people if I try to involve them. They say that I'm being pessimistic. Or they just tell me that I won't fail and how much faith they have in me. It doesn't matter if I tell them that I just need to know it will be okay if I do fail; all they tell me is that I won't fail. I've never been able to get them to see that planning for the worst helps me stop freaking out about whether or not it will come to pass.

So when I read this part in the book about rebutting catastrophizing, I was shocked (in a good way). On page 166, it says,

"There are many rebuttals to this pervasive distortion:" [snip]

Think, "OK, let's assume the worst really is happening or will happen. What will I do then?" There is something calming about fully facing the worst, accepting that it could happen or is happening, and then determine what you would do to improve upon the worst. Turn a "What if..." to an "If... then..." (If such and such happens, then I'll do such and such to make the best of the situation and salvage what I can.) [snip]

It goes on to talk about asking what if the worst doesn't happen. I change that just slightly to read more like, "So if the worst happens, I can handle it. That means I don't have to be afraid now. So what can I do to make sure the worst DOESN'T happen?

The moral of the story is, the coping device that I use frequently but that people don't think is a good one turns out to be a good idea after all. Maybe if I show this part of the book to the people who want to tell me nothing except that the worst WON'T happen, they will understand what I am trying to do and how they can help me with it...

My Name Should Be Alice

(If I had a world of my own everything will be nonsense)
(Nothing will be what it is because everything will be what it isn't)

I invite you to a world where there is no such thing as time
And every creature lends themself to change your state of mind
And the girl that chased the rabbit drank the wine and took the pill
Has locked herself in limbo to see how it truly feels
To stand outside your virtue
No one can ever hurt you
Or so they say

Her name is Alice (Alice)
She crawls into the window
Through shapes and shadows
Alice (Alice)
And even though she is dreaming, she knows

Sometimes the curiosity can kill the soul but leave the pain
And every ounce of innocence is left inside the brain
And through the looking glass we see she's faithfully returned
But now off with her head I fear is everyones concern
You see there's no real ending
It's only the beginning
Come out and play

Her name is Alice (Alice)
She crawls into the window
Through shapes and shadows
Alice (Alice)
And even though she's dreaming
She's unlocked the meaning for you
This kingdom could rid us her freedom and innocence
Has brought this whole thing down

Her name is Alice (Alice)
She crawls into the window
Through shapes and shadows
Alice (Alice)
And even though she is dreaming
She's unlocked the meaning

She's unlocked the meaning for you

(And contrary wise what it is it wouldn't be)
(And what it wouldn't be it would)
(You see?)

Random Thoughts: Numerology

My sons' Cub Scout Blue and Gold Banquet was yesterday. As part of the event, the Pack attended Saturday evening church service together. Bear in mind that this is the same church I tried so hard to convince myself I could believe its teachings. Ultimately, I failed completely and, at the moment, tend to view organized religion as a manipulative means of social control designed around preying on the natural psychological weaknesses inherent in the human spirit. (But that's a story for another day...)

The passage from the Bible around which the sermon revolved came from John, somewhere around John 21:6 and was about Jesus appearing to the disciples after his resurrection. It seems some of them were out fishing (go figure, given that they were fishermen by trade!) and had been having very bad luck all night. They see this random dude on the shore who tells them they should try their nets on the right side of the boat. John 21:6 is the verse where he tells them to do this. And of course, being the obedient little disciples that they were, they obeyed. POOF! They ended up with such a big haul that it should have ripped out their nets but didn't. In John 21:11, it specifies that they caught 153 fish. (I'm not in the mood to hunt down the exact words so go look it up if you want to know the exact verbiage.)

At this point, the pastor mentioned that he had no idea why the Bible specified 153 fish; it seemed like a pretty random number to him. And with that.... my mind was off his sermon and wandering in lazy circles around numbers and their meanings. Who needs social control when you can contemplate random mysticism instead?!

I started messing with the numbers with numerology in mind. I know very little about numerology so it is about on the same footing as my knowledge of the Bible. All I know is that numbers have specific traits associated with them. If there is more than one digit, you add the individual digits together and see what you get then. If you still have more than one digit, you keep doing it until you have just one number.

Alrighty then, that gave me a jumping off point to look for hidden mystical clues concealed in the "random" numbers of cherished verses. So I started with the number of fish: 153.

153 = 1 + 5 + 3 = 9

Now it's time to look for patterns. The obvious place to start is with the verse where Jesus told them to pitch it over the right side. After all, there's some pretty clear cause and effect there: you do what 21:6 says and you get 153 fish.

21:6 = 2 + 1 + 6 = 9

NO FUCKING WAY!! So that was pretty awesome and I resolved to look up numerology and the number 9 at my earliest convenience. I tried looking at other numbers, too. The verse where they count the fish is John 21:11...

21:11 = 2 + 1 + 1 + 1 = 5 (bust)

21:11 = 21 + 11 = 32 = 3 + 2 = 5 (bust)

(now I started wondering if there is some mathematical principle that would make that work.... 21 + 11 leading to 5 just like 2 + 1 + 1 + 1 does. and 21 + 6 = 27 = 2 + 7 = 9. so maybe there is something to that. But my attention was fickle yesterday and I never pursued it beyond noticing those two sets of numbers worked that way.)

At this point I got "creative" in my quest for a pattern. If John 21:11 yielded 5, maybe 5 has something of significance to it. In John 21:11 they caught 153 fish and that has a five in it. So if you pull the 5 out of it, you end up with 1 + BLANK SPOT + 3 = 4 and I thought perhaps that had a connection. Especially since the verse with the counting is 5 verses after the one with the directions.

My head played around with several possibilities. Alas, the middle of a church service is not the ideal time to go searching for the mystical meanings of numbers so I settled for scribbling down the chapter/verse of both the direction to throw the net and the number of fish it yielded as well as the fish-count itself and the number 9. At this point, 20 hours later and still without sleep since yesterday morning, the details of the passage escape me.

I wonder how many people were on that fishing boat? How many were disciples? The right number of people to count could add a neat element to the combination. I know there is a way to do numerology with names by assigning number values to letters so I wonder what number John comes up with, or what the disciples mentioned end up. Maybe they are related to the 5 and 9 somehow.

I did go ahead and google "numerology 9 meaning" to see what I could see. This, of course, can hardly be assumed to be a reliable source but this whole flight of fancy really isn't worth devoting too much time (especially since I have papers to finish that are PAST DUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

http://www.spiritual-numerology.com/numerology-number-meaning/numerology-meaning-of-number-9.html:

You most likely have some of the following strengths and talents at your disposal if the number 9 appears in your numerology chart:

You are socially conscious, concerned about the betterment of the world, idealistic, visionary, tolerant, imaginative and creative, compassionate, romantic, selfless and generous. are also giving, sharing, loving, caring, noble and aristocratic.

You don't mind sacrificing time, money and energy for a better world. You usually finish what you start and you are ready to sacrifice without the need for reward.


Here are some of the career choices that might suit you particularly well if the number 9 is predominant in your chart:

Designer, photographer, politician, lawyer, teacher, healer, statesperson, writer, philosopher, artist.


Some of the following weaknesses, which are associated with the number 9, could slow down or even prevent your progress. But don't worry, it's very unlikely that all of the listed characteristics are part of your personality.

Most probably, only one or a few of them will belong to you:

You can be aloof, withdrawn, distracted, possessive, moody, timid and uncertain. You are often unsatisfied with achieved results and you might get disappointed with life's realities. You also tend to be careless with your finances.

Here is the info from the same site for the number 5:

Number 5 is the most flexible of all numbers.


You most likely have some of the following strengths and talents at your disposal if the number 5 appears in your numerology chart:

You make friends easily, you are versatile and multi-talented, upbeat and inspirational and a good communicator and motivator. You have great verbal skills and you are very dynamic, persuasive, adaptable, versatile and curious, courageous, bright and quick-witted.

You are an explorer and adventurer who wants to experience all of life, you also like to perform in front of audiences and you like to do several things at the same time.


Here are some of the career choices that might suit you particularly well if the number 5 is predominant in your chart:

Salesperson, promoter, entertainer, scientist, travel agent.


Some of the following weaknesses, which are associated with the number 5, could slow down or even prevent your progress. But don't worry, it's very unlikely that all of the listed characteristics are part of your personality.

Most probably, only one or a few of them will belong to you:

It is difficult for you to commit to one relationship and you have difficulties to finish projects. You lack discipline and order, you are impatient, restless, easily distracted and you can be very impulsive.

You might also be susceptible to overindulgence in sensual pleasures. Discipline and focus are the keys to your success.

That site has info on name numerology and date numerology and stuff but I have neither the time, nor the energy, nor the inclination to dig into it at this very moment. I am going to go work on my papers. I got an extension on the deadline but these things won't write themselves, as much as I wish they would!

Still Kicking

I looked at a friend's blog this evening and saw how long it had been since she last posted. I'm a bit worried about her as she has her own share of struggles to deal with and has been known to get suicidal. I hope she is okay. The last post from her was from mid-March.

Then I realized that my last post was January 4th. And I have been known to get suicidal as well. I don't have a big pool of readers - that has never been the goal of my blogging - but there are a few who are still checking in here, according to my hit logs. A few of them, like my Guardian Angel, are in plentiful contact with me and know that I am still here, breathing in and out every single day.

So here is the official word: I am alive and kicking. Things have gone up and things have gone down and things have averaged out and pretty much run their normal course. My optimism from January has long dissolved but things have certainly been worse too.

I am about 2/3 of the way through spring semester and my grades are holding. I was very discouraged for a while, thought I wouldn't be able to pull A's this term. I had neglected to take in account that I am taking harder classes than in the fall so it hasn't been quite as easy. But they are holding.

A very good friend of mine attempted suicide. He lived. Everything got very dramatic for a while with everything thrown out of proportion. They also got very uncomfortable with some rather ugly realizations coming to light. Maybe we knew they were there all along and just tried not to see them. It's amazing how even when things were at their cruelest with him, there was never that devastating betrayal like with Her.

Things disintegrate with Kid-1 daily. But I think a lot of it is me. I'm finding myself getting more and more angry with him. But I rediscovered the power of the ultimate numb. It will get me through this. If anything can get me through this, the numbness will.

At any rate, I just wanted to tell the world that I am alive. And don't worry if you don't hear from me. Just busy and all that...

New Year Changes

It's a new year and things are looking up. Classes start soon and I am both excited and terrified. The holidays are passed and with it went a lot of the stress. A few more weeks to push through and I will be past this time of year which, although not as hard as springtime, is still a struggle.

A new year is a time to reassess where I've been, where I'm at, and where I'm going. I can look at what is working and what isn't and try to find a way to use what is working to fix what isn't. I'm not big on resolutions per se as they are a setup for failure most of the time. But there are some things that I plan on trying to address this year, effective immediately but adjusted for learning curve and reality.

1. I'll procrastinate later. I procrastinate because of "one more thing" syndrome, out of a panic born from perfectionism, and from intense amotivation. (aka: I'm a lazy slob.) Be aware of these things happening and work on fixing them as they do.

2. Onwards and upwards. It's time to stop replaying the implosion over and over in my head and in my writing. It's time to stop drowning in guilt, being reminded of reality, getting angry then sad then triumphant then confused then(...) only to rinse and repeat. It hurt. It sucked. It probably always will. But I am moving on and I have made such huge progress in the last six months that people are commenting on it; proof that it really is for the best. It's time to stop reading, stop obsessing, stop the vicious cycle. I already took the first step by refusing to censor my posts. I no longer have a need for hypervigilence when out around town since she is finally getting her wish to move away from here, although it is hard to get rid of the feeling that there is need. The head knows; the heart hasn't caught up yet. I haven't been able to pull myself away from reading her posts. (Thus the current moniker.)

God or Fate has lent a hand, though. Trainwreck locked her blog after deciding she wanted a fresh blogging start to go with her fresh new life. Strange how I felt relieved as soon as I saw it had happened, although it was obviously coming. I knew I shouldn't care what was happening and how they were doing, but I did and I wouldn't/couldn't stop reading and caring. Now, I can't read it. And the final tether has been released so that I can let this go and move onward and upward. I wonder if she will stop visiting here, too. To be honest, there are three regular readers that I can't identify and haven't really tried as I would hate to invade their privacy. Anyone that I don't interact with in my daily, offline world is welcome to read my blog so I don't want to chase them away. But it will be interesting to see which of them stop visiting now that she has made her "fresh start".

3. Cash or trash. We are working on controlling our money better including keeping better track of what is where and when, reducing fly-by, fast-food meals and only buying items that are on the list. These are lifelong habits that won't change overnight so we are working on awareness and baby steps and leading up to substantial changes rather than vowing to "fix" them all and giving up by the end of this week.

4. Sleep is good. I gotta start respecting my sleep schedule better. (I say this at 1:18 in the morning. Bleh. I suck.)

5. No more Mr. Nice Guy. The crackdown on behaviors that started last spring has not only continued but intensified. We have stuck with the plan and been consistent with it and it shows. Not completely, laundry is the bane of my existence and I am still horrible at housework and organization and tidiness and Mommyness. But we continue to make minor tweaks, the latest being a severe crackdown on "exceptions". So far so good.

6. Of course, health and weight and nutrition and all of that are still goals. The weight loss has started again, slowly. I just had to buy new jeans and moved down to misses from Women's. In a size 14 and dropping. I'm still huge but that's an improvement...