Songs From My Heart

Things aren't really going very well. I want to hide. No, actually, I want to be a bit more drastic than that. And I can't. I'm trapped in this Hell called LIFE and I don't wanna be here but I can't get out. And I'm being watched like a hawk. I feel like an ant under the magnifying glass. I don't wanna talk about it. I don't wanna think about it. I don't wanna share. I don't wanna let people inside my head. I wanna be left alone.

Every moment is a struggle to hold onto this tenuous thing called reality. So often I've found that I'm actually just sitting back and watching from the sidelines and had to bully my way back up front. No one has noticed so far and there's no way in hell I can tell anyone. I don't wanna worry them or hurt them. And Dean is so totally right: NO CHICK FLICK MOMENTS! But, dammit, I am sorely tempted to just stay there on the sidelines. Let the others run the show. It's so much easier to run...

I was surfing YouTube for Supernatural vids and came across the song "It's So Much Easier to Run" by Linkin Park. WOW! Someone has been sneaking around in my mind again. Here are the lyrics...

LINKIN PARK - Easier To Run

It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It’s so much easier to run
Replace all this pain here all alone

Something has been taken from deep inside of me
The secret I’ve kept locked away where one could never see
moved so deep, never show,
They never go away
Like moving pictures in my head
For years and years they've played

If I could change I would
Take out the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame I would
If I could take all the shame to the grave I would
If I could change I would
Take out the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame I would
I would take all the shame to the grave

It's easier to run replacing this pain with something good
It’s so much easier to go
Then face all this pain here all alone

Some things I remember but thought the soul bypassed
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn’t have
Sometimes I think I’m letting go and never looking back
And never moving forward so there'd never be a past

If I could change I would
Take all the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame I would
If I could take all the shame to the grave I would
If I could change I would
Take all the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame I would
I would take all my shame to the grave

Just washing it aside
All of the helplessness inside
Pretending I don’t feel misplaced
Is so much simpler than change

It's easier to run replacing this pain with something good
It’s so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

It's easier to run

If I could change I would
Take all the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made

It's easier to go

If I could change I would
Take all the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame I would
I would take all my shame to the grave



WHAT HAVE YOU DONE NOW by Within Temptation

I heard this song a while back. I was drawn to the title as it fits me very aptly. But the rest of the lyrics didn't mesh. It seemed to be about a girl who has to get rid of a guy because it's for the best even though she wishes she didn't have to. And, yeah okay whatever. Well I just heard it again and it attacked my head. So I went and scoped out the lyrics again and just sat there and stared at them. How could the same song be so different???

What Have You Done Now?

Would you mind if I hurt you?
Understand that I need to
Wish that I had other choices
than to harm the one I love
What have you done now!

I know I'd better stop trying
You know that there's no denying
I won't show mercy on you now
I know, should stop believing
I know, there's no retrieving
It's over now, what have you done?

What have you done now!
I, I've been waiting for someone like you
But now you are slipping away... oh
Why, why does fate make us suffer?
There's a curse between us, between me and you
What have you done! What have you done!
What have you done! What have you done!
What have you done now!
What have you done! What have you done!
What have you done! What have you done!

Would you mind if I killed you?
Would you mind if I tried to?
Cause you have turned into my worst enemy
You carry hate that I don't feel
It's over now
What have you done?

What have you done now!
I, I've been waiting for someone like you
But now you are slipping away... oh
Why, why does fate make us suffer?
There's a curse between us, between me and you
What have you done! What have you done!
What have you done! What have you done!
What have you done now!
What have you done! What have you done!
What have you done! What have you done!

What have you done now, what have you done?...

I will not fall, won't let it go
We will be free when it ends

I, I've been waiting for someone like you
But now you are slipping away... oh
Why, why does fate make us suffer?
There's a curse between us, between me and you
I, I've been waiting for someone like you
But now you are slipping away... oh
Why, why does fate make us suffer?
There's a curse between us, between me and you

So now I'm reading them and I'm thinking back to the different sides of my head, how I had a faint grip on what I am being told is a healthy attitude and how I can't seem to get it back. And I'm feeling like this is me talking to me. Can I cry now?