Happy Campers

It being Memorial Day Weekend, we, of course, did the annual camping-with-the-inlaws thing. We met The In-Laws, the SIL, the BIL and his boys, and Nana, Bubba and Grandkid-1 up in Michigan this time. Nice campground, good location. Our site backed up against a big field perfect for baseball and football and cornhole and washer-toss. Across the field length-wise (about a football field length, including the goal areas) was the bathrooms, which were clean and well-kept. Across the field to the right and across the little gravel camp-road was the playground, nothing fancy or modern or intricate but with swings and a slide and a teeter-totter and climbing gym - the kind like I grew up with where you have to use your imagination to turn it into a pirate's ship or an African safari rather than the equipment built to look like it already. Across the field to the left and behind a row of RVs was the lake, small but pretty and serviceable. We had 5 campsites all lined up and every one of us had RVs except us. We had our trusty [lastname] Bed and Breakfast Tent which comfortably fits all 6 of us with room to move around and change and whatnot.

The weather could not have been more beautiful! Absolutely ideal! And the kids had a blast. They fished and ran and played ball and chase and bubbles and squirt guns and cornhole and played at the playground and rode their bikes. We had nightly campfires complete with stories and campfire games ("I'm hosting a picnic and I'm going to bring jelly beans and donuts. What do you want to bring?") We roasted marshmallows and counted stars. We laughed and talked and reminisced and swapped stories and did everything one is supposed to do while camping. The big boys had their projects... this year they were rewiring the back lights on The In-Laws' 5th wheel.

The children behaved adequately. Mostly my 4 kids had a blast with their 3 cousins and Nana and Bubba's grandson. Kid-1 is still on raw nerves, mostly from being off his meds and off his routine. Either one by itself he is now able to cope with but put the two together and we had our share of tantrums and lipping off.

(My thoughts here digress into an angry litany towards those who say bipolar in children doesn't exist. I have two completely different children in Kid-1 and they are 100% related to the efficacy of his medication and behavior plan! I have 3 other kids who are NOT like this... Don't tell me I am being hypersensitive to the normal mood swings of a child or that he is watching too much television and eating too much junk! But I digress...)

Really and truly it was a successful camping trip by normal standards of how a camping trip should go. Very little massive family drama, but yet a little bit to keep us on our toes. Nothing major forgotten at home, but a few minor inconveniences to work around. No huge glitches in the weather but a tiny t-storm at 3 am one morning. No deal-breaking facility issues, despite the "honey-dipper" having to make 8 (yes - EIGHT) fragrant trips to the bathrooms on Saturday due to a busted septic tank pump. No hideous car issues there or back, just one quick stop to re strap the tarp on the trailer.

Seriously - it was one of the best campouts we've had in years. We even managed to throw in a birthday party, get the BIL's wife out camping (a first), show some above and beyond appreciation for the SIL and find out about the SIL's newest quest for a new career.

Sound like I had a blast? Whatever. I am so glad to be home that it isn't even funny... Just call me Eeyore. Camping sucks. The only ting worse than camping is camping with the Extended In-Laws. BUT! I have tons of positive stories and news to relate about the trip and will be perfectly capable of making people believe that I had as much fun as I pretended to have. YAY ME! lololololol

"Sorry, Sweetheart. I don't do shorts." (Dean, Supernatural, S01E02 - Wendigo)

Tee Hee

Kid-1's very first ever band concert. I had some reservations about posting this. I'm huge into the whole privacy thing. I don't post names or places or faces or things. But the files are too big to email to family and friends so I posted them to YouTube. And I am so incredibly proud of him that I am posting them here too.

No Coincidences

Fifteen years ago, the third Wednesday in May was May 19.

Happy Birthday, Kid-3.

They Won't Quit

No, actually, I'm not alright.
I don't wanna talk about it.
Yes, my friend, I'll be fine.
No, please don't stay up all night.

LET ME SLEEP!
LET ME BE!
LEAVE
ME
ALONE...

Yes, I know that you're worried.
Yes, I know that you care.
No, I don't wanna talk about it.
No, I won't come over there.

LET ME SLEEP!
LET ME BE!
LEAVE
ME
ALONE...

No, it's not gonna be like last year.
Yes, I know you don't believe.
No, I can't promise to be honest.
No, I won't let you see my fears.

LET ME SLEEP!
LET ME BE!
LEAVE
ME
ALONE...

If you don't know what the problem is,
Then you don't need to know.
If you do know what the problem is,
Then I don't need to say how it goes.

LET ME SLEEP!
LET ME BE!
LEAVE
ME
ALONE!

Yes, I know tomorrow will be brighter
No, I don't wanna share my thoughts
Yes, I know this will blow over
Yes, I'll be fine: I am a fighter.

BUT PLEASE, BABY, PLEASE!

LET ME SLEEP!
LET ME BE!
LEAVE ME ALONE!
LET ME SLEEP!
LET ME BE!
LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE
ME
A LOOONE!

(Yes, there is a tune.)

Songs From My Heart

Things aren't really going very well. I want to hide. No, actually, I want to be a bit more drastic than that. And I can't. I'm trapped in this Hell called LIFE and I don't wanna be here but I can't get out. And I'm being watched like a hawk. I feel like an ant under the magnifying glass. I don't wanna talk about it. I don't wanna think about it. I don't wanna share. I don't wanna let people inside my head. I wanna be left alone.

Every moment is a struggle to hold onto this tenuous thing called reality. So often I've found that I'm actually just sitting back and watching from the sidelines and had to bully my way back up front. No one has noticed so far and there's no way in hell I can tell anyone. I don't wanna worry them or hurt them. And Dean is so totally right: NO CHICK FLICK MOMENTS! But, dammit, I am sorely tempted to just stay there on the sidelines. Let the others run the show. It's so much easier to run...

I was surfing YouTube for Supernatural vids and came across the song "It's So Much Easier to Run" by Linkin Park. WOW! Someone has been sneaking around in my mind again. Here are the lyrics...

LINKIN PARK - Easier To Run

It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It’s so much easier to run
Replace all this pain here all alone

Something has been taken from deep inside of me
The secret I’ve kept locked away where one could never see
moved so deep, never show,
They never go away
Like moving pictures in my head
For years and years they've played

If I could change I would
Take out the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame I would
If I could take all the shame to the grave I would
If I could change I would
Take out the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame I would
I would take all the shame to the grave

It's easier to run replacing this pain with something good
It’s so much easier to go
Then face all this pain here all alone

Some things I remember but thought the soul bypassed
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn’t have
Sometimes I think I’m letting go and never looking back
And never moving forward so there'd never be a past

If I could change I would
Take all the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame I would
If I could take all the shame to the grave I would
If I could change I would
Take all the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame I would
I would take all my shame to the grave

Just washing it aside
All of the helplessness inside
Pretending I don’t feel misplaced
Is so much simpler than change

It's easier to run replacing this pain with something good
It’s so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

It's easier to run

If I could change I would
Take all the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made

It's easier to go

If I could change I would
Take all the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame I would
I would take all my shame to the grave



WHAT HAVE YOU DONE NOW by Within Temptation

I heard this song a while back. I was drawn to the title as it fits me very aptly. But the rest of the lyrics didn't mesh. It seemed to be about a girl who has to get rid of a guy because it's for the best even though she wishes she didn't have to. And, yeah okay whatever. Well I just heard it again and it attacked my head. So I went and scoped out the lyrics again and just sat there and stared at them. How could the same song be so different???

What Have You Done Now?

Would you mind if I hurt you?
Understand that I need to
Wish that I had other choices
than to harm the one I love
What have you done now!

I know I'd better stop trying
You know that there's no denying
I won't show mercy on you now
I know, should stop believing
I know, there's no retrieving
It's over now, what have you done?

What have you done now!
I, I've been waiting for someone like you
But now you are slipping away... oh
Why, why does fate make us suffer?
There's a curse between us, between me and you
What have you done! What have you done!
What have you done! What have you done!
What have you done now!
What have you done! What have you done!
What have you done! What have you done!

Would you mind if I killed you?
Would you mind if I tried to?
Cause you have turned into my worst enemy
You carry hate that I don't feel
It's over now
What have you done?

What have you done now!
I, I've been waiting for someone like you
But now you are slipping away... oh
Why, why does fate make us suffer?
There's a curse between us, between me and you
What have you done! What have you done!
What have you done! What have you done!
What have you done now!
What have you done! What have you done!
What have you done! What have you done!

What have you done now, what have you done?...

I will not fall, won't let it go
We will be free when it ends

I, I've been waiting for someone like you
But now you are slipping away... oh
Why, why does fate make us suffer?
There's a curse between us, between me and you
I, I've been waiting for someone like you
But now you are slipping away... oh
Why, why does fate make us suffer?
There's a curse between us, between me and you

So now I'm reading them and I'm thinking back to the different sides of my head, how I had a faint grip on what I am being told is a healthy attitude and how I can't seem to get it back. And I'm feeling like this is me talking to me. Can I cry now?

Running Away

At times I get this urge to run. I want to jump in my car and drive away as fast and as far as I can get. Memories of high school, of getting in my little car and just driving away from the city, up to the lakes or down towards [the capitol], sometimes with my best friend, sometimes just me... the memories flood my mind like the overpowering scent of a familiar perfume. Often in my life I have set up situations so I could feel that freedom. We would plan a vacation in great detail, covering every base and all the way up until time to leave, everything would be spelled out and prepared. EXCEPT - I would refuse to pack my suitcase. We'd get everyone off to wherever they were going, THEN I'd "throw" my clothes and things into a bag, "jump" into the car and "take off" abruptly. (Nevermind the fact that I had planned out the outfits and made sure everything was washed, dried, folded and ready...) It gave me the incredible feeling of taking off on a spontaneous trip and throwing responsibility to the wind. When I get that kind of urge to run, this kind of vacation is both responsible and effective.

I have the urge to run.

But it's not the kind of running that a spontaneous trip in the car is going to help. I want to disappear. I want to hide. I'm not trying to run from responsibility or a feeling of being trapped. I'm not even positive what feelings I am running from. Reality just feels like too much to look in the eyes. There's this weight on my chest, over my heart. It's oppressive and fatiguing. It doesn't exactly hurt, not like it has in the past. It's just exhausting. I feel like I'm laying on a huge feather mattress with this huge weight on me and I'm sinking further and further into it. It's like suffocating slowly. And now I want to sink all the way into the mattress and fall through the other side.

Books, movies, tv, sleep... I've been using all of those to escape. Sleep is my number one choice. Drifting away, passing through that land where everything makes sense, even the things that make no sense, then hiding in a land where anything at all is possible and if you don't like what is happening, there is always the reassurance that every dream will end. I sleep every opportunity I get, which, admittedly, isn't as much as I would like.

Second to sleeping is disappearing into the world of fiction. My first choice is still, predictably, Supernatural. I am still completely obsessed with Dean and his infinite number of layers, including those of his actor, Jensen Ackles. I am fascinated by the contrast between what he says and what he feels and the absolute distinction between Dean and Jensen. Although I am humiliated to admit it, I even stooped so low as to read some fanfic this weekend. (It was surprisingly good. I never thought I'd say it, but it was worth the time it took to read it.) I hear quotes from the show in every conversation. ( "Bitch." "Jerk." It cracks me up every time I think of it!) I would give anything to disappear into that world. As totally fucked up as that world is --- it makes sense.

When not hiding in someone else's fictional world, I've been creating my own. I've actually been pretty prolific, for me that is. I am halfway through my 4th story in one month. Granted, they sucked, every one of them. But they've been completed. WEIRD! But I think I will refrain from looking the proverbial gift horse in the mouth.

So where is all of this getting me? I don't know. I haven't run in the sense of they way I have in the past, most notably last summer. And, compared to the past several years at this time, I'm actually doing a lot better. But I'm not facing the issue either. The shrink said flat out that if I start ducking and dodging and pushing things away, that he is afraid I will get into a very place and that he doesn't know what would happen, and that he's worried. It made an impression. And, dammit, I'm trying!

I would just much rather be running...