On Being a Statistic

Recently I was thinking about the phrase "one in a million" or any such large number. The biggest thing about those kind of statistics is that for every "one in a million" there has to be 999,999 others who aren't that one. Everyone is a statistic on one side of the equation or the other. Most are "fillers" that create that "one".

I will never be that "one" because I fall somewhere in the middle of almost everything. I am not the best or the worst of anything. I have worked quite hard to make sure that is what people see and expect from me. There is a small part of me that wishes I could be really really good at something, even the best. But mostly I prefer to take the middle ground. And I'm okay with that.

But I realized something the other night watching Kid-2 at gymnastics. While I would never say or even imply it to any kid, let alone any of my kids, I do wish they would each be good at something, really good. Kid-2 isn't very good at gymnastics. She's having fun and that's what's important, but in the back of my head, I wish she had some really strong promise.

It's the same with each of them. Kid-1 plays football but he's no quarterback. Kid-3 does gymnastics pretty well and plays baseball well - both above average - but neither so good as to be great. Kid-4 also does gymnastics but he's young enough that he's mostly playing and hasn't found his niche yet.

What is wrong with me??? I love my kids - they are the most important thing in my universe. And I don't like them any more or any less for not being "really good" at their activities. But I do feel disappointed - yet not in them.

It's almost like I am using them as a reflection of me. If they excel at something, it is like I am excelling at something vicariously. Perhaps this is projection. Maybe I am actually more upset at myself than I think I am about not excelling at anything and am putting that on them. It could be that I just want everything wonderful for them, including a sense that they have something special about them. Maybe it's some strange combination of them all.

Regardless of why I feel this way or whether it's "normal" or not, I feel deeply ashamed of it. Not of them, but of my feelings. There is nothing wrong with being on the big side of the equation. They are happy where they are. I have no call to feel this way. Now how do I turn it off?

He's Gone

He's gone. I last saw him at 5:19 this morning when he turned and waved before heading up the escalator towards his gate. I've spoken to him twice since then by phone and did web cam with him once. But it's the not the same. It's not enough.

I am here, alone with four and half kids and a stressed out roommate. The kids are upset. And I am sinking lower than I have been in over a year. I don't want to be here. I can't do this by myself. I keep waiting to wake up and I'm just not. I swear to God, if it wouldn't leave my children so damaged, I would be gone tonight.

How am I going to get through this and be the strong one for them? I can't do this. I don't want to do this. I can't breathe. I can't think. And I'm about to give up.

Please, someone rescue me... if you can't rescue me, kill me - now.

The God That Is Jensen Ackles

If I wasn't in love with him before last night's episode of Supernatural, I'm won over and hopelessly addicted now. As part of the overall mythology, last night's show sucked. As far character development for either brother, last night's show sucked. As far as the brotherly relationship, last night's show had a nice twist of the knife to the heart but that part lasted all of 30 seconds and didn't make up for the things that were screwed up.

BUT....

As far as Jensen goes - THIS EPISODE ROCKED!!!! They played him for comedy and he played it up big. The scream was so funny I watched it twice, giving myself an asthma attack from laughing so hard the first time. The way he got jittery over everything was a trip. His panic attack was funny. His reaction to Hallucination!Sam was dead on. The show was just hysterical. I love that guy.

But this had to be tops of everything I have seen:



All Jensen - no Dean. Did you see the laugh at the end? Dean never laughs like that - he doesn't have much to be that relaxed and happy about. But it suits Jensen wonderfully. (I think it suits most men wonderfully - to laugh and smile, wide and relaxed with pride and truly having fun. Hubby looks good that way, too, though like Dean, we rarely see that laugh from him.)

Two Songs with Great Lyrics

The songs themselves are a bit harder than I normally like best, but when I looked up the lyrics, the first one (The Gift) left me speechless. The other, Falling, is straight out of my head too.

This first one is how I have felt this past week, clinging to Hubby with the knowledge that he is leaving me and will be gone for longer than we have ever been apart since we met. For me, I think "The Gift" represents independence.

"The Gift" (Seether)

Hold me now I need to feel relief
Like I never wanted anything
I suppose I'll let this go and find a reason I'll hold on to
I'm so ashamed of defeat
And I'm out of reason to believe in me
I'm out of trying to get by

I'm so afraid of the gift you give me
I don't belong here and I'm not well
I'm so ashamed of the lie I'm living
Right on the wrong side of it all

I can't face myself when I wake up
And look inside a mirror
I'm so ashamed of that thing
I suppose I'll let it go
Until I have something more to say for me
I'm so afraid of defeat
And I'm out of reason to believe in me
I'm out of trying to defy

I'm so afraid of the gift you give me
I don't belong here and I'm not well
I'm so ashamed of the lie I'm living
Right on the wrong side of it all

Hold me now I need to feel complete
Like I matter to the one I need

I'm so afraid of the gift you give me
I don't belong here and I'm not well
I'm so ashamed of the lie I'm living
Right on the wrong side of it all

Now I'm ashamed of this
I am so ashamed of this
Now I'm so ashamed of me
I am so ashamed of me...

This next one, Falling by Staind, sounds like the things I tell myself when I am upset at how whiny and self-indulgent and generally pathetic I am when I feel weak or do stupid things like cutting that are going to get me into trouble or when I find myself wishing for a hero to rescue me.

Falling (Staind)
You
In your shell
Are you waiting for someone to rescue you
From yourself
Don't be disappointed when no one comes

Don't blame me you didn't get it
Don't blame me you didn't get it
Don't blame me you didn't get it

I already told you that falling is easy
It's getting back up that becomes the problem
Becomes the problem
If you don't believe you can find a way out
You've become the problem
Become the problem

You
All alone
Are you waiting for someone to make you whole?
Can't you see?
Aren't you tired of this dysfunctional routine?

Don't blame me you didn't get it
Don't blame me you didn't get it
Don't blame me you didn't get it

I already told you that falling is easy
It's getting back up that becomes the problem
Becomes the problem
If you don't believe you can find a way out
You've become the problem
Become the problem

I already told you that falling is easy
It's getting back up that becomes the problem
Becomes the problem
If you don't believe you can find a way out
You've become the problem
Become the problem

Falling is easy
It's getting back up that becomes the problem
Becomes the problem
And if you believe you can find a way out
Then you've solved the problem
You've solved your problem

It's Not as Easy as It Looks

On television, people are always cutting or stabbing others or themselves. On Supernatural, Dean has cut open his forearm a number of times - such as to attract vampires or prove he isn't a shapeshifter or whatever. And he just takes his huge knife and runs it across his arm horizontally and bright red blood begins to flow. In the book I just read, Second Glance by Jodi Picoult, several of the characters have cut themselves in a variety of places for a variety of reasons.

I have, as I have admitted before, been known to cut myself. (Although to the best of my knowledge, I have never tried to attract a vampire or been accused of being a shapeshifter.) Let me tell you - cutting isn't as easy as Dean makes it look. Perhaps it would help if I had a special effects team and some corn syrup but that kinda defeats the whole point. Maybe I just need a sharper knife but one would think that an Exacto craft knife would be sharp enough.

And yet it takes a remarkable amount of pressure to actually cut deep enough to draw blood. I find it infuriating. The hard part is not the desire to cause damage - that's the easiest part. It isn't some kind of self-preservation instinct - the closest I come to that is making sure I don't get caught. It's just applying enough pressure to do damage. Perhaps, like so many other things in my life, I am just not doing it right...

What I find ironic is that I have such a hard time doing actual damage and yet a slip of a paper gives me a nasty, bleeding papercut. *rolls eyes*

Value vs Worth

value: 1. relative worth, merit, or importance: the value of a college education; the value of a queen in chess (Dictionary.com)

as opposed to

worth: 4. excellence of character or quality as commanding esteem: women of worth.
5. usefulness or importance, as to the world, to a person, or for a purpose: Your worth to the world is inestimable.
6. value, as in money.

The Shrink and I debated today whether a person's value can be changed and/or changed by others. The comparison was how I value myself as opposed to how I value my children. During our discussion, I remained undecided and mostly listened to his thoughts and tried to process my own. If I understood correctly, it is his view that everyone is born with inherent value and the only way to reduce our value is to deliberately hurt other people or to believe it when others tell you you have less value.

I thought about this a lot. Then some more. And then a little bit more. In my head, I decided that there is a difference between value and worth, even though the above definitions would indicate they are basically synonyms. Here are my thoughts...

Value is the inherent worth a person has just by being a person. No one has to earn value. No one's value can increase or decrease. Even the most sadistic and evil person has the same inherent value as the holiest of saints. I guess that I see a person's value as the unconditional love that God has for all of us. Just like there is nothing my children can do to make me love them any more or any less, there is nothing we, as humans, can do to make God love us any more or less - and that is our value.

Worth, on the other hand, is how much we influence the world around us for better or worse. As a person contributes positively to the world, their worth increases. As they do damage, it decreases. If they fail to do good where they had the ability and opportunity, it decreases their worth. If they do their absolute best and fail to make a change, their worth increases. Intentions matter in the arena of worth, they matter a lot. Results matter as well.

So I think that a person's worth is a fluid thing. Someone who has done truly terrible things can make up for it and rebuild their worth. Conversely, someone who did great things can destroy it all. It is also dependent on perspective. A person may see themselves at a higher or lower worth than someone else. And different people may see the person with varying levels of worth. Even looking at the same objective facts, different subjective worths can be assigned based on the individual perceptions of each fact.

I guess that means the short answer, in my view, is that value is who we are and worth is what we do...

Nickels, Dimes and $500 Bills

In the midst of a financial crunch that will only get worse before it gets better, Kid-2 got a nasty cavity. We already owe The Dentist close to $1300 but as he is a friend of Hubby's family and we have been seeing him Hubby's entire life, he has kindly not sent us to collections. However, he is in a business, not a charity, and required a substantial payment on our account in order to see her. If we had gone elsewhere, we would have had to pay more and see a stranger and all kinds of other complications. So off we went to The Dentist. Three hours and $500 later... And believe me, we did not have an extra $500 to pay The Dentist. I drained the last of our savings plus an additional $250. Ouch.

Indeed, I was going through the online bank statements yesterday, trying to determine where our money is going. According to the budget I made up in my head, we should be doing just fine. But on the contrary, I have no idea how I will be able to pay both mortgages and the electric this month. So I'm looking at this and there aren't any big things coming out that aren't accounted for in my mental budget.

BUT --- there were a bazillion little charges here and there. $5 at McDonald's, $10 at the grocery, $7 dollars at another fast food place... Things of this nature. I truly didn't realize how much is actually being debited for lunches and the occasional pizza night. The other big killer is the overdraft fees. At $30 a pop, I am still grateful the items get paid but they come at a steep price and one that generates a vicious circle of fees and negative balances.

So the plan now is to tighten the budget and clamp down on debit purchases and set some limits with the kids and myself. I cannot impose them on Hubby as it will either get completely ignored or send him into a grouchy spiral and guilt-trips. But soon he will be gone and almost all of his expenses will be covered for a little while. (I think.)

The good news is that there are places to tighten our belts. This is not a hopeless cause. It may be uncomfortable, but it is not impossible. In theory at any rate...