Invisibility

I do my best to be invisible. Not Invisible Girl invisible, not clear, but chameleon invisible, blending in so well that no one realizes I am here. I am not always silent or always speaking. Either extreme gets noticed. I do not refuse to go out nor involve myself in every little thing. I do just enough to avoid suspicion. I wait and watch in unfamiliar situations and then I act like everyone is, but just enough to not stand out. I make being polite and considerate a high priority and do my very best to think well of everyone, give them the benefit of the doubt, and be respectful even on the rare occasions when I have to make a complaint.

I do not expect special treatment and I get extremely annoyed with people who do. I am quite conscious of boundaries and get embarrassed for those who are not. I also like to think that I hold realistic expectations. For example, when it comes to my doctors, I hold no illusions that I am anything to them simply because they are special and important to me. I only have one therapist and he means the world to me. I only have one psychiatrist and one GP and I enjoy noticing the little things about them. But they each have tons of patients and I do not expect them to hold me any higher than any of them.

And yet.....

I can't help but wish, sometimes, that I was important to them, that I was someone special, that I was the kind of person they want to give special treatment to. I want to be the patient that makes them smile when they see my name on the schedule. I want them to remember me from visit to visit. I want them to feel emotionally invested in me. I want to be the kind of patient that The Shrink thinks about at times other than in session. (I don't mean in an inappropriate way - that's creepy!)

I know several people who have given their shrinks the URL to their blogs. And way more often than not the shrinks are more than happy to discuss the blogs in session, but they don't actually go visit them. Or they give them things to read and the shrinks either read them in session or don't read them at all. But there are a few cases where the shrinks do go read the blogs, they do read things outside of sessions, they do think about them outside of their scheduled times.

And sometimes I wish I was that kind of person - someone who means enough to a shrink that they go a few extra steps farther than they have to because they want to. Most of the time, I am content being invisible. When I tell people I'm fine, I want them to believe me. When I don't want noticed, I want to blend in seamlessly. Whether I am present or not, I don't want it to make a difference. But sometimes...

The Shrink told me once that he showed a short story I wrote to another patient, a little girl who had been through something similar to me. He maintained privacy in every way, of course. When he told me that, the swirl of feelings in every flavor stunned me. I was embarrassed that he had shown it to her, flattered that he thought is was good enough to show, awed that he had thought of me and the story at all, proud that it had actually made a difference to the girl, frustrated that I had broken the invisibility barrier, pleased that I wasn't invisible to him...... You get the point.

There is a book about co-dependence called 'I Hate You; Don't Leave Me'. I love the juxtaposition of the sentiments. With most people I truly want to stay invisible. But with a few select people, it's more like 'I'm Hiding; Please Find Me'. I'm pretty sure this isn't an entirely bizarre feeling - little kids often run away in the hopes of being chased and teenagers push boundaries but really want them pushed back. So this isn't about feeling like a unique freak. It's about feeling silly both for wanting to be seen and for knowingly acting the opposite of what I sometimes want. I guess in part it is because I know what I want but I don't feel entitled to it so I feel guilty for wanting it even when I'm not pressuring for it.

Wow - that made no sense. But I know what I mean: it should be more about actions than feelings in this particular guilt war but it isn't. Story of my life... LOL

Well, I wanted to include a quote I remember from what I thought was a Douglas Adams book but I just spent half a bloody hour searching for it and can't find it. So I may have misremembered the entire thing or it may be by someone else or maybe I just couldn't find it. It had to do with invisibility being achieved by making something so insanely hideous that people would refuse to look at it. Anyone know if this is real and if so from whom/what?

Just Keep Swimming, Swimming, Swimming

I like Dori at the beginning of the movie. She always sees the good in things. She can be cheerful about anything. And she instantly forgets the past so it has no effect on her present or future. She literally lives purely in the 'now' and mostly this works for her.

When I get low enough to just not give a shit about most things (like I am now) I find that all I can do is just keep going one second, one minute, one hour at a time. Whoever said One day at a time has no idea just how long that can be. I put one foot in front of the other and follow my routines, getting people where they need to be and hoping the rest takes care of itself. I can't afford to just stop, which is all I really want to do. So I go on auto-pilot and I just keep swimming, swimming, swimming...

Right now, things are what they are. Mostly, I don't care. Hubby is angry? Bummer - stay away from him. Kid-3 threw up? Okay, call the school and clean it up. Kid-1 broke up with the girlfriend? Hmmm. Whatever. They're back together again after less than 2 days? Okay, one less thing to think about. Kid-2 is failing science when she's never failed a class in her life? Bummer. Cub Scout Round-Up went better than we could have dreamed? Okay, next.

And so forth...

It's all about maintaining and refusing to actually fall down flat or give up. I keep telling myself that This too shall pass. It will pass, right? I'm too tired to keep this up forever. Or maybe I'm just tired in general. I don't wanna be me anymore. I don't like this game. I'm no good at it. Where's the REWIND button? What do you mean there isn't one?! Damn! Guess I'll have to:

Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming...

Bodies (Drowning Pool)

Bodies by Drowning Pool (with clips from Supernatural)

"Bodies" by Drowning Pool

Let the bodies hit the floor
Let the bodies hit the floor
Let the bodies hit the floor
Let the bodies hit the floor Beaten why for
Can't take much more
One - Nothing wrong with me
Two - Nothing wrong with me
Three - Nothing wrong with me
Four - Nothing wrong with me
One - Something's got to give
Two - Something's got to give
Three - Something's got to give
NOW!!!
Let the bodies hit the floor
Push me again
This is the end
Skin against skin blood and bone
You're all by yourself but you're not alone
You wanted in now you're here
Driven by hate consumed by fear
Let the bodies hit the floor

When I post about music, it is usually to show songs and lyrics that are insight into my heart. Generally they reflect how I am feeling about things. But this song speaks to anger and frustration and frustration about anger. This seems to be expressing a sentiment that Hubby is currently struggling with. Let me explain...

It was the MIL's birthday Wednesday night and we went out to dinner (which we couldn't afford but did anyways) and then back to their place for dessert. I was having issues with time that day so the kids weren't ready to go when Hubby got home. He went ballistic, sending Kid-2 into hysterical tears and the others into a fearful panic. Then he told me that he had hoped I would at least make myself presentable. Ouch. And yet when we got there, he was way overdressed, the kids looked fine and I was wearing the same caliber of outfit his father was wearing. I jumped all over his ass for upsetting the kids but when he came down on me, I just took it. And I was the one who felt guilty and responsible for the timing fiasco. (We weren't even late, btw and beat several family members there.)

Later he apologized but the damage was done. I was a nervous wreck the whole evening, could hardly make conversation and couldn't make eye contact. I couldn't stop rocking and barely ate anything. But I managed to not cry in front of anyone, thanks to a prolonged detour to the restroom. When he apologized, I still took responsibility for upsetting him but did remind him to please not treat the kids that way.

I think Bodies fits Hubby because he gets so angry that he lashes out at people quite viciously. (Let the bodies hit the floor) He thinks he's in the right, even when he's over-reacting. (Nothing wrong with me) He can't understand why people keep making him mad. And then he can't understand why he even gets so mad. He hates it. (Something's got to give) He seems to be hanging by a thread, all of the time. The slightest thing sets him off (Push me again) And he ends up hurting people, usually by screaming cruel things. (The rest of the song) It's frustrating for everyone.

He says he doesn't understand why he behaves this way. He is going to discuss it with The Med-Shrink when he goes back in a couple weeks. The fact of the matter is, Hubby goes through this very slow cycle that looks an awful lot like bipolar. His cycles last about 3 or 4 years. Unfortunately, he doesn't get the happy-manic. He gets the angry-irritated manic. This usually precedes a major down cycle in which he doesn't want to do anything. He tends to change jobs during these periods. (Gee, like this time.) We end up so frustrated with him, and sometimes things get so bad that even I can't justify his behavior anymore, that someone goes off on him, informs him he's being an asshole and that he can't keep going the way he is or they are going to kick his ass out of this solar system. (I tried to be the person to do this one time. It was not successful and did not go well. I believe his sister did it this time, last night.) Then he goes back to the doctor and gets a new set of meds and within 3 months he's back to the Hubby that I know and love and married 13 years ago. I don't know why it happens, just that it does. And it gives me hope because it can be fixed. (Is that sick/wrong, to be happy that something is wrong with Hubby that needs medical attention?)

Something's got to give...

More Random Thoughts

So many things running through my head. Not sure where to start, or what to expand on and what to skim through. I'm afraid this is going to be very hit or miss. I'm having a bit of trouble organizing my thoughts today....

On suicide: A while ago, read a quote from the blog of a psychologist who said he would tell a client (why don't they just say patient??? I know I'm a patient. He knows I'm a patient. Everyone knows I'm a patient. Just call a spade a spade!) He would tell a suicidal client that once they are not depressed any more, not in pain any more, he won't stop them from trying to kill themselves. The couple of people I told about it seemed to find that amusing so perhaps it was said tongue-in-cheek. But I thought it had some profound wisdom in it. Most people who are suicidal don't necessarily want to die. They want to stop hurting, stop feeling helpless and hopeless. Putting it the way he did put the emphasis on making things better and not on telling the person what they want is wrong.

Side Note: I just went to look up the exact quote from ShrinkTalk.net and found I had it rather wrong. The gist is the same but the details are different. Read the post. I found it while reading everything on the site that I could find as I fell instantly in love with this guy's style.

Don't Ask, Don't Tell: I'm not speaking of military policy but rather a policy that seems to be part of the fabric of my being. When people ask me how I am doing, I come as close to lying as anything in my life. My standard response is, "So far, so good." It doesn't matter if I've been carrying my pill bottles in my pocket or am wearing a genuine smile. I do my best to make everyone think that everything is just fine.

And for most people I deal with, this is a good thing. I let loose here on my blog. I talk to some people online though even then I rarely let people all the way in. I'm not sure why. Even the people who sincerely want to know the truth, and even the ones who can truly handle the truth - I can't or won't talk to them. With most people, this isn't a problem. But there are a few with whom this is a problem.

Hubby wants in. He wants to know what is going on with me. He doesn't understand. He doesn't know. He knows about my SV but not the whole truth, not completely. He knows I had issues as a kid but I don't think he knows the whole truth, not completely. He's been here with me through thick and thin, for 16 years, since we were just kids ourselves. That has to say something for the strength of his love. And yet I cannot talk to him. Even when I try, I open my mouth and nothing comes out. I don't fully understand this.

The other time this is a big issue is with The Shrink. I mean, come on! This is what I pay him for. This is the whole point of therapy - to talk through issues and find some resolution to them. And yet I will dodge him when he approaches certain topics. Or I will get so embarrassed that I can't talk about the issue. Often I get so nervous, I never even bring the topic up. And it's not like I don't trust him. Maybe it has to do with approval-seeking but even that doesn't make complete sense - how often does he have to tell me that he likes me regardless and that nothing I could tell him would make him agree with me that I am a far cry from good? I swear he has to tell me that, or some variation thereof, almost every time. I'm getting better with him but but am nowhere near being open with him. And I don't get it.

On catastrophizing: The Shrink accused me today of catastrophizing about Hubby and Baby-Mommy. He said I am just paralyzing myself with hopelessness and pain when nothing has even happened yet. It is the 'yet' that got to me. He reminded me that knowledge is power and instead of feeling hopeless and devastated over a potential situation that isn't even a sure thing. 'You're sitting in the cat-bird seat,' he said to me - whatever that means. So on one hand he is telling me that I need to worry about this and take steps to prevent it - that having them mad at each other is actually a preferable to state to them getting along. On the other hand, he is telling me not to worry so much about it because I am just paralyzing myself. Jeez doc! Make up your mind!!

On medications: I think the side-effects from the Lexapro are easing off. I didn't feel nearly so shivering-shaky today, though I didn't get a nap which is when I felt the shakiest so who knows. Still felt just as tired but bleh...

On schedules: Kid-2 is already doing choir and gymnastics. She wants to add Poms (cross between cheerleading and dance). And now she is going out for the school play. Do I let her do it all so long as she can keep up her grades and not seem too tired and stuff? Kid-1 is doing football and boy scouts - his schedule is way reduced this year and it seems weird. But he is also planning on helping with the play so we will see. Kid-3 is doing cub scouts, choir, gymnastics and baseball. But I don't think he'll be overloaded because those are all single night activities. And Kid-4 is doing gymnastics and cub scouts as well. I don't think he'll be overloaded but I have no intention of involving him in anything else at this point - he isn't even 7 yet!

On roommates: Baby-Mommy has pushed back the move-in date to mid-September. She has to be out by the 20th so we are looking at the 13th-14th of September. She is still trying to sell the couch and chair so that she can afford the storage unit for the rest. I am trying to sell Kid-3's loft and Kid-4's car bed to be able to get them a set of real bunkbeds. The set I really want is totally out of the question because of price but it is so cool! That's okay, they'll do fine with traditional bunks. In addition, I have the constant buzz of worry about cleaning up their rooms enough to even make the move.

On blogging: It's amazing how things change. I've never blogged for an audience before. Honestly, I still don't. I blog to work through things in my head or to put them down on 'paper' and shove them away from me into cyberspace. It still seems strange to me that people take the time and effort to come read my words. I feel honored - I'm not used to this kind of support. And I take it as a sign that I am doing that I am willing and able to keep being honest even though I know some people will reading it. A year ago (is that when? *scratches head* I shut down my blog and moved it here because someone I knew found it and I was afraid he had or would read it.

Some things don't change though. I go in spurts. I will go a week without saying anything and then put up 3 or 4 posts in a single day. Sometimes it's because I don't have the energy to post. Other times it's all about time. It's also been known to be because nothing has changed and I have nothing further to add. And sometimes it's because I just didn't want to. Then I will suddenly get on a spurt and start churning them out. My mind kicks back up and wants to evaluate, analyze and sometimes expel. And I'm okay with that. What can I say - I've never been known for sticking to a predictable schedule...

Shot Twice in the Back of the Head

I love saying it like that. It sounds so dramatic...

I went back to the neurologist today. Got the standard two occipital blocks. That should hold me for a few months. He also gave me a trial sample of a new migraine med, Treximet. As per usual, the shots aggravated an already bad headache into a hideous headache that then became a migraine. So I tried the new med, a bit skeptical. I've tried Imitrex before and unless I caught the headache during the aura and before the pain began, it wasn't effective. On the other hand, I normally take naproxen as my first line. So I gave it a try and I'll be darned if about 45 minutes later, my migraine eased off and about 15 minutes after that it was gone. I still have the tension headache and the pain from the injections but at least the little troll with the ice-pick at my temple went home.

So I asked about a chiropractor and he said to give the blocks a few days and see if that helps. If not,then I can look at other options. Bleh...

How Low Can You Go?

The lyrics from Grease's Hand Jive rattle around in my mind. Or maybe it's the Casper Slide. Either way, I feel like I am sinking ever lower. I feel like crying all the time. My head hurts and my heart aches. My eyelids feel heavy and I'm oh so tired all the time. What I would give to be able to curl up in my bed and stay there. I don't wanna do anything, except cry.

Everything just feels like too much. Baby-Mommy will be moving in this coming weekend. Hubby will be leaving at the end of October. There's also the schedule for this year - we're crazy busy as usual - how do I know whether I'm pushing them too hard or not hard enough or not holding them back hard enough or too hard?

No matter what I do, I can't seem to get or stay caught up on the housework. The laundry situation is humiliating and hopeless. And it's only going to get worse.

Money is a joke and it's about to get worse real quick as we house two more bodies and I have no idea what we'll do come November when the bottom drops out for a few weeks.

Plus, Kid-1's attitude and mouth are really getting to me. Then there's Mom. I'm torn - I want to be there for her but I simply don't have the energy so much of the time.

And I'm so tired. I'm tired of hurting all the time - my head, my knees, my back. I'm tired of feeling the wrong way about everything. I frustrate and worry those around me when I express how I really feel but they get upset when I shut them out. I just don't know how to change how I feel. I'm tired of hurting other people. Everything I think, everything I do, it's never quite what it needs to be.

Above all is the oppressive feeling that there is no way out of this. Nothing ever changes. And when things do go up, they always come right back down. The Shrink asked me once, a very long time ago, to describe 'my vision for a peaceful future' - that is the only piece of homework he has ever given me that I didn't do. Because I have no idea at all what that would be.

And I'm wondering if I'm going to find out again just how low I can go...

"We're trapped. There is no way out. They are coming." (Lord of the Rings, The Fellowship of the Ring, book two, in the mines of Moria)

Maybe I'm Not Depressed

Maybe this is who I really am. When Kid-1 is stable on his medications he is a totally different person than without it. Without his medications, Hubby is miserable and shares it. I know so many people who are returned to who they used to be by taking the proper medications.

But I don't know who I used to be. For as long as I can remember, I've fought with demons that are depressive symptoms. Maybe that's just who I am. Pessimistic, scared, lazy, tired, antisocial...

I feel like I am getting the message from all sides that if I just tried hard enough, I would be fine. Medication isn't the answer - it's all about changing my thoughts. I actually feel like taking these meds makes people think ill of me, not because it's stigmatizing in a 'omg - you're crazy!' kinda of way. But in a 'omg - you still believe in that quackery? just try harder!' kind of way.

But in reality, without these medications, I don't function too well. The Seroquel not only keeps things much more tame inside my head, it also keeps me out of psychosis - not 'you're psycho' psychosis but 'no, there really aren't guys in black cars trying to kidnap your children' psychosis. The Welbutrin seems to have lifted my mood from a 1 to a 4, which is saying something. And yet since I'm not 'poof all better' I am criticized for holding out hope that somewhere there is a cocktail of medications that will lift the heavy wet blanket from my soul enough for me to work through the issues in my life.

But...

Maybe that wet, heavy blanket isn't depression at all. Maybe that's just who I am. I mean, no one tries to medicate Eeyore or put him in therapy. Then again, Eeyore is happy being pessimistic. I'm not happy being miserable. My grandmother was one of those people who was happier when she was miserable. She had a bad attitude and no desire change it. I do want to change, but maybe there's no illness to treat, just a pain in the ass person.

Why bother? (Eeyore)