Mommy, What Did She Mean?

So Kid-2 and I are watching television and she's watching the show Summerland, a former WB show that, like most WB shows was geared towards the high school/young college-aged crowd. She was watching it because has Jesse McCartney is in it. Yes, maybe the show is a little over her head, but she's a bright kid and generally what she doesn't get she ignores or asks about.

Well, one of the characters has ended up pregnant unexpectedly and unintentionally. Okay, come on, this is the WB; I expected a miraculous miscarriage. Then she tells the boyfriend/father that she "called and [she] can come in tomorrow." And I couldn't help it. I closed my eyes and shook my head and buried myself in my computer. Unfortunately, Kid-2 is not just clever, she's observant, a bit protective of me, and looks to me for reactive clues on things she doesn't know about. So she caught my reaction and, not understanding it, asked. "Mommy, what did she mean: she can come in tomorrow at 11?"

Cue panic.

After I closed my mouth (several seconds later) I realized I had to tell her something. But what??? So I asked her if she knew what options a girl has when she gets pregnant. She said they can do nothing and let the baby grow and have the baby or they can "make the baby stop". And I said the character was talking about the second of those options. She said, "oh" and went back to watching like nothing had happened.

I totally blew a teachable moment there. We could have had this great discussion on values and teen pregnancy and all that stuff and I totally locked up. BUT... I didn't run away. I stayed here and I answered her question as best I could and I DIDN'T LEAVE. So....... I guess I did adequately though not as good as I could or should have.

Hello Dad, I'm in Jail

Kid-1 stayed the night at his friend's house last night. This is the brother of Kid-2's best friend and we are also good friends with their parents (to the point that we are going on vacation with them, among others, in July if Hubby doesn't go to Atlanta). So the father comes over this morning (well, noonish) and talks to Hubby and, to make a long story short, all the evidence points that Kid-1 stole $2 off their computer desk last night. (The facts are not in dispute here.) So Hubby called Kid-1 home and confronted him about it. He denied it. Hubby had him empty his pockets. No money. Hubby asked if he could check his pockets. Kid-1 turned out first one pocket, then the other and as he turned out the second one, he tried to palm the two $1 bills from it. Still Kid-1 denied taking the money. He swore he found the money in their hallway on the floor and intended to give it to them but forgot.

Hubby brought him upstairs to me. He laid out the facts and the chain of events. I asked Kid-1 if he was ready to tell me the truth. He went into a patented Kid-1 tantrum, professing his innocence and that he hadn't stolen the money. (Mind you, there was NO doubt as to his guilt.) It took half an hour to get him to admit that yes, he had taken the money, knowing full-well what he was doing, and then lied and tried to cover it up.

In the end, he had to go down and return the money and apologize for stealing it. He will not be permitted to volunteer at the library this summer like he had wanted and he is grounded. The grounding is for the lying. It is for one week (not counting the 4th of July because it isn't fair to everyone else) and he will do nothing but go to school, do his jobs and stay in his room. I will consider "time off for good behavior" in the form of being allowed to come downstairs in exchange for doing extra chores.

He was quite upset about it all. We laid on the guilt thick and heavy. I hope it finally sinks in and makes an impact. I love him no matter what but I do NOT want him to be stealing or lying or lying about stealing. It is sooooo not okay.

And, true to form, I showed my selfish core. Though I didn't say it to him, I have to confess that I am embarrassed that *my* son would steal and lie like this. All I could think about is the quasi-song "Hello Dad, I'm in Jail!" that I heard a million years ago. I feel like his behavior is a direct reflection on me as a parent and I have totally failed. If he is lying and stealing at not quite 13 - what will he be doing at 22??? How could I have failed him so completely as to end up in this situation? This is horrible!

TheSV is on the Fence

A friend of mine has just restarted writing. I'm very excited about this as that is how we first met... through an online writing group. But she had some hellish RL stuff happen and she stopped. You can only push a person so far when it comes to writing and she just wasn't there so I let her be. Well, she's coming back. So she created a blog and the first thing she posted was a commentary on a political piece she read and identified with. It was about what a conservative is and has tons of statements of things that conservatives believe.

After she posted it, she made the comment to me that she knows how I feel about politics so she didn't know if I would agree or not. I asked her what she meant by that. I wondered if she thought that I had such strong opinions about this stuff that I would be incapable of discussing it with her. Or did she mean that she had no idea whether I would agree with the article or disagree with it? So I asked her what she meant and she said that I either don't have or don't express my views on politics so she didn't know what my reaction to her post would be.

And she's right. I don't talk politics with people. Or religion. Or controversial topics. To some people, I won't even share opinions on books and movies. It's not really that I don't have opinions on those things. Mostly I do know what I like and don't like, do and don't approve of, and do and don't believe. But there is no way in hell that I am going to open myself up to judgements and criticisms and attacks on my beliefs just because they aren't the same as the person I am talking with.

And so I try to know enough about each thing that I can appear to believe the same thing as the speaker without actually saying that I agree or disagree. I can carry on conversations with die-hard democrats as easily as die-hard republicans. I can have an intelligent discussion with anyone from Baptists to Catholics to Jews to Pagans to Wiccans and everything in between. (Not sure I could pull off Muslim, though. Not because I am against it or anything but just because I don't know much about it. I should put that on my To Do List of things to learn...)

The point is, I sit on the fence for almost everything. Or at the very least, I give that impression to everyone. There are VERY few things I will actually make a public statement for or against and even then only in certain company. I like to think that a huge part of it is that I don't judge others for their beliefs. But I think more of it is that I am a chicken to the core...

(BTW - down at the bottom of my page is one of the few things I've publicly come off the fence about....)

Is My Hut Burning?

From an email I received...

The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him. Every day he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming. Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect him from the elements, and to store his few possessions. One day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, with smoke rolling up to the sky. He felt the worst had happened, and everything was lost. He was stunned with disbelief, grief, and anger.

He cried out, 'God! How could you do this to me?'

Early the next day, he was awakened by the sound of a ship approaching the island! It had come to rescue him! 'How did you know I was here?' asked the weary man of his rescuers.

'We saw your smoke signal, ' they replied.

The Moral of This Story:
It's easy to get discouraged when things are going bad, but we shouldn't lose heart, because God is at work in our lives, even in the midst of our pain and suffering. Remember that the next time your little hut seems to be burning to the ground. It just may be a smoke signal that summons the Grace of God.

Sometimes I think God is all about testing - or torturing - people. Other times I think we just have lessons to learn and are given opportunities to do so. I am often reminded of the joke about the flood. Remember that one?

Once there was a great flood and the town was being evacuated as the water rose. There were announcements all over and one neighbor was speaking to another, asking him about his evacuation plans.

"Oh, I'm not leaving," he told his friend. "My God will save me."

The water rose and the streets were impassable. A man in a row boat came by and called to the man still in his house. "Come with us! We'll take you to safety!"

But the man wouldn't go. "My God will save me!" he said and the rowboat passed on by.

The water continued to rise and the man moved to the upstairs level of his house. Another boat came by and offered assistance. Again the man refused, saying, "Oh no, I'm not leaving! My God will save me." And the boat passed by.

Still the water rose until the man was forced out onto his roof. One more boat came through and strongly urged him to leave with them. But still the man refused. "Oh no," he said. "My God will save me!" Frustrated, the boat left.

The water was pooling around the man's feet when the helicopter flew over. "Come aboard and we will take you to safety!" The man refused. "Come with us now or you WILL DROWN!"

The man was adamant. "My God will save me!" And he refused to go.

The floodwaters rose and the man drown. He stood before God in Heaven and asked Him, "God! Why didn't You save me? I had complete faith in You and You let me drown!"

To which God replied, "I sent three rowboats and a helicopter! What more did you want???"

The thing is... I don't know how to tell if God is sending me rowboats or creating smoke signals. Is He creating situations for me to learn to help myself or trying to show me that He has a master plan if I would just chill out and let it unfold?

This train job... this is such a case of sink or swim. This is either going to prove to myself and the world that I CAN do this, or it is going to break me. I predict one of three reactions. I will either grown and become strong, learn some independence and thrive in the new situation... or I will crash and burn completely... or I will burn on the inside while appearing to be holding together because I can't afford to fall apart. Everyone is predicting that I will grow and thrive. Fear and irrational panic are telling me I am going to crash and burn. Internal consensus, silently to the rest of the world, is that I will give a great show of it and few, if anyone, will know otherwise. I don't know if this is my hut burning or if I should be taking the rowboats that are passing by...

Get Out of My Head!

I web-surf... a lot. And in the process, I stumble across some things that are really weird, bizarre, and unbelievable. On the other hand, I also find things that feel like someone has reached inside my head and pulled out my feelings to splash across the screen. (I'm picturing the silvery memory things from Harry Potter...) I was reading a book review while doing my research on grief. The book looks fascinating and I am going to see if the local library has a copy of it. It is called "Bodily Harm (The Breakthrough Healing Program for Self-Injurers)"
While I have absolutely no idea if the book is worth the paper it is printed on, one thing stood out from the review that seemed as if someone looked at my soul and out it on the screen before me...

How will you know I'm hurting
If you cannot see my pain?
To wear it on my body
Tells what words cannot explain.
- C. Blount

The audience that the "you" refers to, in my case, is myself, or at least the part of me that tries to pretend I'm not hurting. I hate it when people assume that self-harm behaviors are automatically attention seeking activities. I'm sure it's true in some cases but certainly not in others. I go out of my way to keep from getting busted after doing something like this. It's much more about making the outsides match the insides.

Not sure if I already wrote about this, but The Shrink and I had a talk about this concept. He likened me saying that to someone with anorexia and the whole body dysmorphic stuff, except mentally. He said that I see myself as evil when I'm not and that no amount of facts have been able to persuade me otherwise. I think that sounds naive, flattering, but naive. He doesn't see inside my head. So he doesn't know how I really am. And I don't know how to turn it into words. How do you describe a darkness of the soul that is counteracted enough to give the appearance of being a quasi-decent person? Despite my writing aspirations, I don't know how to make him see my ever-present Shadow.

Time for a Fun Break!

Okay, here is a meme. I don't normally do things like these but this caught my eye and I'm in the mood. I got it from Aqua who got it from HBW. Cheers to them both! Here's my take:

What kind of monster would you be? Vashta Nerada

Do you have a crush on a celebrity of the same sex and if so who? crush? no, not really. but i am trying to negotiate a long-term lease of my soul in exchange for angelina jolie's body. (not willing to SELL my soul, but a long-term lease would be a viable option... *evil grin*)

What do you collect--if anything? Books, specifically hardback classics, all Tolkien material and all Stephen King publications. I also "collect" headshots for my fiction-writing "gallery" of character images. I never use them publicly but when I am creating character profiles, I go through them looking for just the right image to fit my character. It's hard to find images of everyday people so if anyone has suggestions, I'm open to them ;-)

Do you have a favorite artist? (Painter. You can name more than one): okay, i confess, i am art history illiterate. my 6 year old son knows more about art history than i do. (literally! he was telling me about Van Gough and Starry Night!!) so i guess my favorite painters would be (hands down) - MY KIDS!

Do you have a habit and if so what? Yikes! Pick just one? Okay, I am most known for bouncing my leg rapidly or rocking back and forth - both when I am nervous or intimidated.

Overall, do you prefer the city or being near nature and the outdoors? City, preferably busy suburbs. I am allergic to direct exposure to nature and my idea of "roughing it" is a hotel without room service!

If you couldn't live in your current country then what country would be choose to live in? The UK somewhere. England, Scotland and Ireland all have a huge draw for me that I can't logically explain. I suspect it has to do with past lives. (*keeps a straight face*)

Would you like to be famous? NO WAY. NO HOW. NUH UH. NOT EVER EVER EVER!! People would LOOK at me! They would judge me and say things about me and scrutinize my behavior. I'd rather die. I am all about invisibility...

Are you punctual or always late? Late but with great guilt over it. I HATE being late. I would MUCH rather have to wait for someone than have them have to wait for me. And yet I always seem to be running late... *deep sigh*

Where do you find the most peace? That's tough as I don't do "peace" very well. Probably curled up on my end of the couch with a good movie on the television, a good book in my hand, good music on my computer and having a good conversation with a friend via IM.... after my family has gone to bed.

What three foreign languages would you like to learn most (you can choose one or two if you prefer)? French, Spanish and Latin.

Would you travel into space if you had the chance? Only if I can get "beamed up" - space would be cool but getting there is sooooo not my style!

Speaking of all these questions, what is the question that you hate the most? it's a tie. either: "But Mooooooooom! Why noooooooooot?!" (especially when accompanied by Kid-1's trademark "aahuuuggghhhh!") or: "What's wrong?" (especially when accompanied by the phrase "Talk to me.")

20 Minutes

I've spent all week researching psychological background for a new story and had a heck of a time getting anywhere. Yesterday I finally got my hands on a book that looks like it will be invaluable but it still hasn't answered the vast majority of the questions I have and no single book is going to be able to tell me if my overall concept is viable from a reality stand-point. After everything, I still had a list of 5 critical questions that I could neither find the answers for nor have any idea where else to look.

The Shrink graciously let me bounce the questions off of him though and in a mere 20 minutes I got all of them answered, brainstormed solutions to a few other issues, solidified motives and thought patterns that I had been guessing at and got all excited about the project (more so than I already was)!

So I got to thinking about how he was able to answer everything I threw at him in 20 minutes. And I know that this is his area of specialty and he does have years of years of experience on these matters but I got to wondering how much of this knowledge he was able to just learn.

Oh, how I want to know these things! I want to understand how people think and why and what can be done to encourage or discourage these things. I want to be able to look at a situation and have an idea of what motives are behind them, what kind of thoughts and rationales. I wanna know all this stuff!

So how can I learn about it? Oh, what I would give to have a trained mentor in this stuff to talk about things and bounce ideas and learn from... Wonder if I can buy a my-friend-the-shrink at Walmart? :P

Seriously, though... how does one make friends with people who share the same interests - in the real world? Outside of cyber-space, I don't know anyone (that I don't have to pay by the hour) who shares any of my interests. Baby-Mommy kinda a few of them a little, but guess where I met her??? Cyber-space. :-(