Outsider Reactions

I have shared what happened with all of my close friends and family, including the posts from her blog where she is bashing me and saying I'm unstable and that this is all my fault, etc. I originally went to her blog to get her side of things, to make sure that I was doing the right thing. What I found there shocked me so thoroughly that I refused to believe it days. But it just kept getting worse.

I printed out several of the entries and showed it around. I read it to The Shrink who said she had gone to an extreme reaction that was disproportionate with the circumstances. I had my Guardian Angel read it and he found no merit in. I had Hubby read it and he was alternating between incredulous that she would claim such things and spitting mad at the lies. But when she posted a list of reasons why she is in the right and I am in the wrong, I couldn't tolerate it any longer. That's when I sent the email followed immediately by her leaving.

Her departure happened on Father's Day. As devastated as I was (am), I had a hard time calming down enough to go to the In-Laws for the day. I tried to call The Shrink but as it was not only Sunday but also Father's Day, I didn't put much stock in him calling back in a timely manner. So I stuffed it all down as far inside as I could muster, back behind The Wall that protects me from me, and I went to the in-laws.

Being around people was difficult. All I could think about was Uber-Bitch. The kids never got to say goodbye to Uber-Bitch's daughter and I will never see her again either. I felt guilty at how relieved I was to have it over. The parable of the snake hovered over me like a tangible cloud. I did this. I did this to my family and to myself. I picked up the snake, knowing full-well what kind of person she is and choosing to accept her and love her and support her exactly how she is. What did I think would happen?! How could I have believed that making her part of my family would teach her how to be family?

After a while at the in-laws, The Shrink called me back. I was impressed that he called at all but at the sound of his voice, the pain and guilt and anger flooded back and threatened to overwhelm me. I hid in the front room and lay down, using my headache as an excuse. While I "slept", Hubby told them what happened. He showed them my email to Uber-Bitch and told them about the content of her blog posts.

Their reactions were unanimous and vehement - I did the right thing and in the right way. In additional, there were varying degrees of anger and shock at her audacity. They all support me 100%. That helped and after hiding out for a few hours I was able to rejoin them and even smile once or twice.

Hubby also told The Neighbors and showed them the emails and told them about the blog. They too are behind me 100% and think she must be delusional. My mother and my Daddy are both glad she is gone and offered support. My Guardian Angel, of course, is proud of me for finally standing up for myself. And when I told Writer-Friend about it, she actually cheered that I had finally "gotten rid of" Uber-Bitch. The Shrink told me she had reacted to an extreme and that she should never have moved in and felt strongly enough about me talking to her about moving out that he was willing to call and talk to her himself. And the Med-Shrink is the one who started this whole crisis.

Everyone I have spoken to or that has been told is completely behind me, without exception. Even the kids are upset at losing Uber-Bitch's daughter but only Kid-2 (who was close to Uber-Bitch) has said a word about Uber-Bitch herself. To date, that is twelve adults (not counting Hubby and myself) that think I have done the right thing in the right way.

On the other hand, Uber-Bitch's version of her own guardian angel apparently said I wasn't behaving rationally. From the next couple of sentences, though, it seems he was referring to whether or not we had a one-sided relationship. (For the record, I never said we had a one-sided relationship, just that I gave her everything I have to give.) It seems, too, that her original therapist said we have a toxic relationship and that I am bad news. Nothing in her posts indicate whether the current therapist has weighed in on right/wrong or joined the blame game. I also haven't read about any reactions from her boss-type-person or her one other friend that she is close to. So maybe she feels like everyone that she has talked to is on her side.

Which brings me to the following statement in her blog:

I also wonder if deep down she doesn't know how wrong she is in all of this. I mean, if I really deserved to be kicked out on the street, if she really believed that, I would think she would have done it. Even her. I've seen her when she's truly angry and know she's capable of it. Which makes me think that she knows that I haven't done anything worth that kind of action in this situation.

Well, first of all, I didn't (and wouldn't ever) kick her out on the street. But beyond that, I am drowning in self-doubt. But beyond that I can't help but wonder if the people I have told support me because I have only given them my side of the story. Am I the one at fault here? As I read some of her posts, it struck me how I was feeling exactly the same way - only about her. I feel like she is completely delusional for thinking the things she apparently does but what if I am the one who delusional as she keeps saying?

She says that I am going to wake up and realize she is gone and that I will all alone. In my email to her I addressed that. I said, "You said that I am going to wake up and realize you are gone and I will be alone... I think you need to take a long hard look at that, "Shelley". Look at my life then look at your life and tell me again who is going to wake up and realize she's destroyed her relationship with the only person who would take her in and love her unconditionally despite all of the shit in each of our lives.

Her blog response was not directed to my reading eyes but here is what she said:

She says of course that I'm the one who will be lonely and alone but what she fails to realize is that I've been alone my whole life. It's absolutely nothing new and she didn't show me or give me anything I couldn't do without. However, years from now when her kids are grown and gone about their lives and her husband is tired of putting up with her mental illness, she will be the one who is sad and alone. I, on the other hand, am completely used to it. In fact, I rarely expect anything else. And I guarantee, the rest of my life, no one will ever do this to me again.

To be honest, I almost laughed when I read this. She really does have no clue whatsoever. It's very obvious that we both think the other one is going to regret destroying the relationship. And we both think the other one is in the wrong. We both feel like we had to defend the other to MY family and friends and that we gave the other more than should have been expected. For agreeing on so much, we agree on nothing. We are each firmly convinced that we did the right thing and we each have people who say we are right. So how do I know that I'm am actually in the right? I feel it and people say it's true but still.......?

Oh yeah, one more piece of information has surfaced. When I was in the hospital in December, Hubby's Mom and Aunt came over to clean the house so it would be nice when I came home. Apparently Uber-Bitch spent the entire time bashing me horribly to them. She went on and on about all the things I was doing wrong or not doing. And yet she still claims that she defended me to them. This was WAY before any of this happened. My own best friend was spitting venom at me all along. A new dimension has been added to my heartbreak.

Off the Reservation

Things have come to a head and then exploded. I could no longer tolerate the spewage coming from User-Bitch's blog and sent her the following email:

I tried to leave this as a comment but it was too long...

I have been trying VERY VERY VERY hard not to go on the defensive here and spend all my time arguing about your interesting perspective on things. I understand that your background forces you to see things a certain way and long ago gave up thinking you would see the world around you in the same way that I or anyone else I know does. That's who you are and that's fine.

But I am going to say this one time and let you do with it what you will. I was ALWAYS your friend. For the past decade-plus I have ALWAYS had your back. I have fought for you, I have sacrificed for you, I have supported you unconditionally no matter where your life took you. I gave you EVERYTHING I have emotionally, logistically, financially. I thought I was being a good friend, a good sister. I have tried with everything in me to give you a family that you could be part of.

You have thrown this back at me. For all practical purposes, you have spit in my face, insulted everything that I am, everything that I do, everything that I tried to share with you. You never tried to hide your utter contempt for me and my life and I tried for years and years to find excuses for you. I was your friend, your sister, your rock, right up until your post "Friends and Priorities" when you stated point blank that you were done with our relationship. I was willing to move past you calling my son a manipulative bastard because I know you were angry and that you hate him (regardless of how you protest, your behavior speaks to the contrary).

You have done nothing but vent hateful feelings and inaccurate assumptions since I tried to tell you that I need you to work on finding another place. Up until the doctor told me point blank that I am in a co-dependent relationship with you that is adversely affecting [Kid-1's] mental well-being and that I should get you out sooner than immediately, I was perfectly content to have you and [her daughter] stay until you were ready to go. I thought things could be handled by simply keeping you and [Kid-1] apart. But when I tried to tell you that, you went immediately on the defensive, wouldn't listen to what I was saying, and shifted all blame for all things onto [Kid-1]. You quickly shifted that to include me and anyone else that wasn't you.

You can accuse me of all the BULLSHIT that you want to: being two-faced, never being your friend, "replacing" you, betraying you, doing this deliberately to stress you out. And you can choose to never trust me again and choose to not invest any more in our friendship. That is your choice and ultimately your problem. But I held onto our friendship until you declared that I wasn't worth being friends with. I REFUSE to continue to give you my entire heart and soul now that you have made your contempt so blatantly clear.

You said that I am going to wake up and realize you are gone and I will be alone... I think you need to take a long hard look at that, [User-Bitch's pen name]. Look at my life then look at your life and tell me again who is going to wake up and realize she's destroyed her relationship with the only person who would take her in and love her unconditionally despite all of the shit in each of our lives. You wished you could be the kind of person who uses others? You got your wish. It just took me this long to realize that I was enabling your destructive behavior instead of helping you.

I am willing to be friends with you. And I am willing to give you what help I can but no longer will I bend over backwards to accommodate you when you hold nothing but contempt for me and mine. As for what I am doing to my god-daughter whom I "supposedly love", I love [her daughter] like one of my own. I always have. I nearly had my own children taken away from me to keep from letting her and you down. Knowing that you will take her away, poison her against me, and I will never see her again breaks my heart. But you did get one thing right - I chose [Kid-1] over you when YOU forced me to make a choice. Were you my own biological flesh and blood, I would ALWAYS choose my children over you or anyone else in existence.

YOU did this. Go ahead and blame me. Blame everyone but yourself - you always do. Blame whoever you need to blame in order to get yourself through the night. Tell yourself you did more than enough here. Tell yourself we expected too much. Tell yourself how you work yourself to the bone and have a golden work ethic. Go ahead if that's what you need to make it through another day. But don't think for one moment I will be the only one losing out because you have shattered our friendship.

Knew upon sending it that our friendship was irreparable. But I had known long before this email that our friendship was over. The horrible things she has been saying in her blog... We could never completely recover from something like that. Had I sat back and taken it and gone crawling to her begging her forgiveness and telling her how right she was and how awful I am... then we might have kept our friendship going, albeit not the same way. But I was not about to do that because it isn't true. The vomit she is writing on her blog is completely distorted and in some cases factually inaccurate. It had reached a point where I had to stand up for myself and my family.

It came as no surprise that the next morning (Sunday - Father's Day) she packed up a few things and left for good. What did come as a surprise is that she didn't give the kids a chance to say goodbye to Libby. I broke it to them as gently as I could and I did not cast blame anywhere although I did make sure they knew that I didn't, nor would I ever, "kick them out" as she told someone over the phone. She always plays the victim...

After she left, when I had a chance to check my email, this was her reply:

You are so far off the reservation that it would be funny if it weren't so disastrous. You have completely lost your mind and I'm not even going to bother trying to debate anything with you. I NEVER want to see or speak to you again. Libby and I are leaving today as soon as I can make arrangements. I will collect my stuff and move it into storage hopefully next weekend if I can find enough people to help me move it.

I would love to link to her blog here so that anyone who wants to can read it. But a direct link from here would allow her to trackback to this blog, which she does not have the URL at this point. I would hate for her to try to use the things I post here as ammunition against me and she is just angry enough to do exactly that. So I will simply cut and paste the parts that I need to refer to. If someone wants the URL to read her blog, leave me a comment.

A few things that I find notable... she has decided that I have become mentally unstable and that is why all of this has happened. In her writing.com blog she says,

Please note, as of today, I am moving into a homeless shelter. My former best friend has become mentally unstable (or at least that's the only thing I can assume because anything else is simply too awful) and I'm being forced to leave. I have no financial resources at this time to do anything else but hope to have an apartment in August.

She is putting her two year old daughter through the hell of living in a homeless shelter for two months because she is so angry with me. This is yet another example of how she always always ALWAYS puts her own needs and feelings ahead of other people, even her own daughter. She will sometimes think about others' opinions and needs but ultimately she doesn't care and what she wants is what she does. And yet I'm the one who is mentally unstable.

Another interesting thing to note is that she has moved into a homeless shelter. She isn't staying with friends till she can get an apartment. I have to wonder if that is because no one would take her in if she refused to ask anyone. If I had to guess, I would say she let everyone know about her situation, playing up the "poor victim me" side of it, and no one offered her a place to stay, even knowing where they have now ended up. It's possible that someone offered and she said no, after all I caused her to lose faith in humanity and never make another friend. Still, for her daughter's sake, I would have thought she would suck up her pride and accept a roof over their heads. Then again, everything she does "for her daughter's sake" is actually for her own sake so why should this be different?

Anger Ebbed

The anger has ebbed from the raw destructive force that nearly overwhelmed me earlier today. It has settled over me like a woolen blanket on a summer night: itchy, hot, suffocating, unwelcome, stealing my hopes of rest or peace. BFNM's tag reads, "Moving on - [BFNM's-Kid]'s doing great, work is going well, and school is getting easier finally. Moving into my own place in the fall finally"

Finally is right. When she moved in here last September, I thought she would be out before the first frost. Then she bumped it to early spring. Then to late spring. Then by the end of the summer. Then we briefly talked about her staying for a long time and trying to get her to integrate into the family structure better. Then she decided to go back to school and all talks of when she would be gone stopped happening. Her moving in here was supposed to be a stop-gap measure, a brief respite as she looked for a new job and a new place. But she didn't find a new job so couldn't find a new place.

I know this whole situation is my fault. I set it up and I let it happen and I asked for it. In my attempts to rescue her, I set up an unhealthy dynamic. I was trying to help, I really was, but all I did was bring home a snake.

And now I fear that this is the story of my life. That everything she said about me is true and it isn't her perspective that is laughably off base but my own. Of course the Shrink agrees with me; he only gets my side of the story. Of course Hubby and my friends and relatives agree with me; I probably pervert the truth somehow when relating it to them as well, making myself look good at her expense somehow.

By The Shrink was dead on today as I was leaving. He said I would go through a bunch of emotions once the numbness wore off. He said I would get angry and hurt and confused and feel guilty and lost. He said to sit with it (his infuriating response for all emotional responses, especially those I don't like) and stay present, to not be reduced to self-harm and to call if I end up in crisis mode. I told him those usually happen late at night when all the distractions of the day are gone and there is no one around to be hurt by my actions and that I almost called him but figured he wouldn't appreciate a midnight phone call so I didn't. He didn't disabuse me of the notion that it would be intrusive and over-stepping boundaries. I mentioned again after he said to call in a crisis that he wouldn't want me to call at midnight when they usually occur and again he didn't tell me to go ahead and call then if I really need to. I take that to mean I am right and that calling at that time wouldn't go over well. I'm sorry, all crises must occur during normal business hours...

And, for the record, I don't WANT to stay present, to sit with these emotions. I hurt, I hate, I ache... I want to give in the call of the knife. The only thing stopping me is that if I get caught I will be perceived as manipulative. It will come across as trying to "get even" with BFNM rather than the expression of utter disgust with myself and the desire to distract from the emotional pain with physical pain. At least physical pain "makes sense" - if one has a deep gash in one's arm, it is logical that it hurts. No one can see a deep gash in my heart and soul; they don't understand that those hurt too, worse sometimes.

What's so wrong with it anyways? So long as it isn't bad enough to cause medical complications, who is it hurting if it relieves some of my psychic pain? And whose business is it what I do with my own body if I'm not hurting anyone else? Like anyone would even know so long as I was careful - it's not like they would be able to tell by how I act. They don't see obvious signs, let alone subtle ones.

GRRR! I hate this!! I am defensive and angry and hurt and embarrassed and frustrated and confused and lost and hopeless and pathetic and useless and I HURT!!! I am back to that confusing repetitive thought: I wanna go home. Except I am home. And there is no where that satisfies that longing; the closest I can come is cocooned in my bed alone in the dark and quiet stillness.

I wanna go home.
I wanna go home.
I wanna go home.
I wanna go home.
I wanna go home.
I wanna go home.
I wanna go home.
I wanna go home.
I wanna go home.

The End of an Era

Things are finally over. I have lost all respect for my "best friend" and all hope that she will ever have any clue about anything. I don't know yet what to call her here, since BFF is so far off the mark that it's ridiculous. Maybe BFNM (best friend no more - Kid-2 taught me that acronym) will work for now. "Ungrateful Bitch" is just too long to type every time. (Nor is it entirely accurate. She tried to be grateful. I simply asked more of her than she was capable of giving.)

I realized that there was no going back when I read her blog post title "Forgiveness" in which she magnanimously says she can forgive me for a host of things:

I can forgive [her] for the way she approached the situation. It was not handled as well as it could have been, by either of us. I flew off the handle and she approached it wrong. But we're all human. She probably thought to reassure me that I wasn't being kicked out but it backfired. I can only assume that but regardless, I can forgive her for communicating poorly about a difficult topic. I've been there.

I can forgive her for not spending enough time being my friend. But I don't have to open myself up to that hurt again. I can choose not to invest any more into the relationship.

I can forgive her for having a very difficult mental illness that affects her on a daily basis. But I don't need to be responsible for handling her, her family, or the household when that happens.

I can be civil to her, now that I'm not completely angry but trusting her is a different story and is what I'm battling with the most.

And now, when push comes to shove, I can forgive BFNM for this. But I cannot and will not be a part of it any longer. From the moment our relationship went beyond close friends talking online and into the realm of rescuing her from one situation after another, I have had to defend her from my friends, my family, my therapists, and my doctors. And I'm done. Sometimes it takes a harsh reality check to see what was always in front of my face. The fact is, all of those people who I swore just didn't know her like I did... they were all correct about her from the first.

From day one I have supported her. I have always had her back, no matter where that back ended up. From the moment she said she was running from her bastard ex and moving up here, I have given her my support with everything I have in me. I have given her time, energy, money, clothing, food, shelter, babysitting... anything I had to offer was hers for the taking and take she did. I have - quite literally - given her the shirt off my back. I also gave her my heart and my trust, opening up to her like I hadn't opened up to anyone since my best friend from high school and I went our separate ways. I gave her everything.

I can see now that I was rescuing, not helping. I began to see this a while ago as I began trying to set boundaries in my life. I realized specifically how last week when I was reading about the difference between rescuing and helping in my hospice volunteer training workbook. I remember being excited because I had learned a more effective way of helping.

Now it is too late. I am done helping or rescuing her. I was pleasantly surprised to find I can be perfectly cordial to her, even while fighting the urge to jump up from the floor and throttle her.

I am so angry with her right now! At the same time, I am violently angry with myself. At the hospital they always play this video tape from the 80s about co-dependence. There is a story/metaphor in it that I am going to paraphrase here:

A woman finds a venomous snake nearly frozen in the snow. Feeling sorry for it and not wanting it to die, she carefully picks it up and takes it home. She sets it on the hearth and builds a fire to warm it. She goes into the kitchen and pores the last of her milk into a bowl, which she warms and takes to the snake. Gently she spoon feeds the snake the warm milk in front of the fire and slowly the snake begins to revive.

Then the snake bites her, injecting its deadly venom into her. As she lay dying, she asks the snake, "Why? Why did you do this to me? After everything I did for you, how could you betray me this way?"

The snake looks at her coldly and replies, "You knew I was a poisonous snake when you picked me up. Why did you expect I would do anything else?"

I hear that woman and that snake as I go over and over and over this in my mind. I am so shocked and hurt and betrayed by her behavior, by her thought processes. After everything I have done for her, all the unwaivering, unconditional support I have pored into her... how could it have come to this?! And I hear the snake from the story, cold and unabashed, telling me I knew who she was from the beginning so what did I expect...

Therein lies the dual sources of anger. At her for this betrayal and at myself for rescuing instead of helping and being surprised and hurt when the bottom dropped out. The more time that passes, the more that anger points to the true culprit, me. I set this up. I asked for it. And I got what I deserved.

What if all the "helping" I have done is just rescuing and unhelpful? What if I am ruining my kids' lives as BFNM has implied throughout her blog? What if all the "good" I thought I was doing actually isn't good at all? DAMN! I don't want to be here!! I would pray for God to take me away, but He would simply laugh at me or ignore me.

Worse Than I Thought

I don't generally read BFF blog. In fact, I never read her blog. Part of it is that I never read most people's blogs anymore. Partly it's because anything important we generally talk about. A huge part of it is that it feels like intruding. I see the other side of this fence and when I read her side of it, I am shocked at how different it is. Frequently, I am also severely irritated by it.

Since all hell broke loose Sunday night, I have been meaning to check it, to get her side of things. I wanted to know where she was coming from, how she could possibly justify her behavior. So, tonight I finally went and looked.

It was so much worse than I thought. The things she said, the way she said them... my first reaction was utter disbelief. I had a brief flare of anger at her nerve for saying what she did. I really wanted to argue with her about the things she said - defend myself against some of her ridiculous statements. Then it was like a lightbulb burning out - that brief moment where everything gets too bright followed by the plunge into darkness and complete with the POP that sometimes accompanies the burnout.

Now everything is numb. I read and read and read, all the way back to where I was last following it in early April, before Easter. Intellectually I have assimilated what she wrote. Emotionally I feel nothing. My head is about to go Chernobyl but my soul is empty. Typically this is a warning sign of impending severe dissociation. I hope to keep my grip as I have my Shrink and Med-Shrink visits tomorrow and the Shrink is vehemently opposed to my dissociation and I'm already nervous about the Med-Shrink.

A Week of Hell Days

Sunday: police called to contain Kid-1 in rage that bruised me up and down

Monday: grandpa died

Tuesday: Kid-1's med-shrink calls for drastic measures (jail for Kid-1 if repeats and ousting BFF and Kid-5 with 1 week notice even if they end up on the street)

Wednesday: freak out in the Shrink's office. viewing of grandpa; Kid-4 freaks out about death concept

Thursday: good friend had surgery for a brain tumor (her kids stayed at our house Wed/Thurs)

Friday: grandpa's memorial dinner; Kid-1 gets appendicitis

Saturday: Kid-1's appendix removed

What Would You Say?

What would you say if I said that the guy I am living with has such a bad temper that he goes off into fits of rage, screaming obscenities and violently striking out at anyone who tries to come near him or talk to him or stop him? What would you say if I told you that the fit he had earlier this week resulted in a nasty bruise on my arm, deep into the muscle, and an ugly one on my shin?

What if this wasn't the first time? What if, in fact, it has been happening a lot recently? What if today it got so bad that I had to call the police on him and that I am covered in bruises up and down my arms, my legs, my stomach and my head? And that after the cops left, he started up again?

Would it make a difference if I told you he is really sweet when he isn't angry? Or that he apologizes profusely once he's calmed down? That he feels really bad every time I wince in pain when he hugs on a bruise?

How about if I told you that he doesn't mean to hurt me? That he has bipolar disorder and when he goes into a rage, he can't think clearly? That all the intelligence goes out of his eyes when he gets to that point and that he is truly incapable of rational thought? That he doesn't take his meds unless reminded and even then gets seriously pissy about it? That even when he takes them, his meds are off and he is working with his doctor to get them straight but so far he has gone into a violent rage 5 times in the past 6 days?

But here's the kicker...

Would it change things if I said that this guy I'm talking about is my 13 year old son?