Current Themesong: Fake It by Seether

My theme song changes as I change and grow, as circumstances change, as time goes on. I'm sure it would be interesting to go back and look at my self-reported theme songs to chart my progress but I'm not in the mood right now. Maybe later. In the meantime, here is the current theme:

Fake It by Seether

Who's to know if your soul will fade at all
The one you sold to fool the world
You lost your self-esteem along the way
Yeah

[Chorus:]
Good god you're coming up with reasons
Good god you're dragging it out
Good god it's the changing of the seasons
I feel so raped
So follow me down
And just fake it if you're out of direction
Fake it if you don't belong here
Fake it if you feel like affection
Woah you're such a fucking hypocrite

And you should know that the lies won't hide your flaws
No sense in hiding all of yours
You gave up on your dreams along the way
Yeah

[Chorus]

Whoah
Whoah

I can fake with the best of anyone
I can fake with the best of em all
I can fake with the best of anyone
I can fake it all

Who's to know if your soul will fade at all
The one you sold to fool the world
You lost your self-esteem along the way
Yeah

[Chorus]

Fake it if you're out of direction
Fake it if you don't belong here
Fake it if you feel like infection
Woah you're such a fucking hypocrite

This song replaces Let You Down by Three Days Grace. Whereas that one expressed the firm conviction and fear that no matter how hard I try, I will always end up letting everyone down, this song reflects my attitude and bearing towards the world. The song is all about the "fake it til you make it" advice that is rampant and the pressure I feel from the world to be fine and okay and doing well regardless of how things really are.

Who's to know if your soul will fade at all - the one you sold to fool the world? How much of myself have I given up to make the world feel more comfortable looking at me? They want me to be a certain way and I do my best to give that to them. But how much of what is me have I sacrificed?

You lost your self-esteem along the way By this time, I have indeed lost all self-confidence in my own ability to judge who I should be and what should I do and what I should want. All I know is that what I feel is not socially acceptable and therefore must be adapted, changed, on the surface if nothing else.

Good god you're coming up with reasons, good god you're dragging it out That seems to be my MO these days if I have to deal with people at all. I try to come up with any way possible to avoid it and if I can't avoid it, I stall as long as possible before doing it.

Good god it's the changing of the seasons, I feel so raped rank, so follow me down (I can't stand that word and besides it sounds like he says "rank" - as in stinky and yuck) It's like everything around me is changing or supposed to be changing and I just feel stupid and out of place and pressured to change like they want me to. It's like I'm dragging myself under and taking others with me.

And just fake it if you're out of direction, fake it if you don't belong here. Fake it if you feel like affection I never seem to know what I am supposed to be doing. I feel out of place and awkward and like a zit on the face of the head cheerleader. But I don't want people to think less of me - I crave their approval and their affection. So I fake it. I put on a face and I try to do what they want me to, what they expect me to.

You're such a fucking hypocrite I go on and on about not lying and telling the truth. I take such "pride" in not lying. I preach to my kids about having the self-esteem to be who they are and love themselves for who they are... and yet I live a lie. Almost all of what others see is a mask put on for their benefit. As for self-esteem and loving myself, no amount of masks can cover the fact that I am a hypocrite
in that arena.

And you should know that the lies won't hide your flaws, no sense in hiding all of yours Like I said, no amount of masks completely cover the fact that I'm not who they want me to be. I know that and they know that - it's enough to make one wonder why bother hiding behind the lies. Except that I have to try to be the me they want me to be.

You gave up on your dreams along the way How much have I given up over the course of my life to become what they want? I have trouble even thinking on that topic for too long.

I can fake with the best of anyone, I can fake with the best of em all, I can fake with the best of anyone. I can fake it all... But when push comes to shove, I can put on a mask and hold my own for a while. Especially for my kids. I can be strong when handling their affairs. They don't really understand the concept that I have the problems I do. And I can blend in with the PTA Moms and make all the right impressions on the teachers and staff. I can even pull off events with the In-Laws and have people tell me that I'm looking good and that it's good to see me feeling better.

But the truth is... I wonder how much of my soul is being eaten away by this pattern of behavior. Not that I am really willing to think there is a better way. It's not just Fake it. It's Fake It til you make it...

Square Peg in a Round Hole

Kid-3 announced today that he doesn't like his Sunday school class because he never learns anything and finds it pointless. I don't want to force him to go to a class he hates but I do want him to go to church. Being mostly asleep this morning and not having the time to consider what to do, we gave him the choice of going to class or coming to service with us. He chose to come with us. We attend the contemporary service which is mostly modern music performed by a live group. It does have a sermon, of course, but it doesn't have all the pomp and circumstance that most of them do.

Well, Kid-3 enjoyed the service and as we put our chairs away, he said he already knew what he was going to say when we talked about what we learned at church today. I feel much better. He plans to attend service with us from now on.

The Youth-Pastor gave the sermon again. The last sermon I heard of his was all about evangelism and alternately annoyed and bored me. He started out waxing enthusiastic about a friend and fellow pastor that is visiting the church. The guy has been working with Muslims to turn them into Christians for 15 years and Youth-Pastor couldn't heap enough praise on him. Then he launched into the Bible reading, part of a story about some lepers who went to the enemy camp to surrender only to find it empty. They stole some stuff and hid it and then decided they were doing the wrong thing and had to go tell the city the good news.

Of course, Youth-Pastor turned it into a lesson on evangelism. Yawn. But he also put it out there that no matter how big the problem, God is bigger and stronger. That clicked with Kid-3 and I like the concept as well. He had another point too but it neither appealed to me nor annoyed me so I have already forgotten what it was.

All the way through the service, I kept feeling out of place. Looking at the Apostles' Creed on the big screen and listening to everyone around me repeating it like mindless zombies really brought home how much I don't fit in. I am trying, I really am but I feel like a square peg trying to cram myself into a round hole. I want to believe. It would be nice to believe in something or someone who can grant instant forgiveness and make everything all better. It would be nice to believe in the same things most people I know believe in. I guess I thought if I found a round hole big enough, it wouldn't matter that I'm a square peg.

Last week with The Shrink, by way of introduction to the topic of Communion freaking me out, I explained my hypocrisy about taking them to church. I quite confused him, once I explained that I can't get my head around the whole concept of worshiping a man. And yet here I am, going out of my way and out of my comfort zone to ensure my kids learn the ways and rituals and the beliefs of the very religion I can't believe in.

I told him that I keep trying to believe. He stopped me and asked me why I was trying to force something like that. I told him that I have a hole; something is missing. I want it to be faith. And even though I can't get it to fit, yet, I am still trying. And I accept that I may never get there and yet still push my kids to find faith in the church. I am a hypocrite - but I'm okay with that.

The only thing that worries me is the fear of never filling that hole, especially since I don't know what is missing from it. What if it isn't religion at all?

Second Opinion

I went to the Kid-Shrink today to get a second opinion on my own psych issues.

~~~REWIND~~~

My Med-Shrink has been treating me for a mood disorder for probably about 5 years. I have been growing increasing unhappy with the communication between us. He is always rushed and detached, doesn't want explanations or input beyond a one or two word reply. I never feel like I have had the opportunity to go over the questions and problems I came into the office needing to discuss. The more time that goes by, the more frustrated I get. I tried to bring the issues out into the open once before and composed a clear, concise and specific letter detailing how I feel, why, and what I would like to see happen instead. He responded and we discussed it and he basically said that that's how he is and nothing is going to change so adapt or leave. And so I adapted but with growing frustration. After this past December though, I can't continue this way. I need a different kind of therapeutic relationship.

~~~REWIND +/- 15 YEARS~~~

At 17 years old, I became so depressed that I refused to get out of bed half the time and became impossible to deal with. I was suicidal and self-harming (though no one saw that at the time) and having a lot of problems. The Mother dragged me to a shrink. After an extensive interview with him, he concluded that I had depression issues but so did my mother. He asked her about getting treatment for herself. The Mother freaked out and declared the man incompetent and evil and stormed out, dragging me behind her. She ranted for days about how dare he blame my problems on her. My problems were my fault, not hers; I was the problem, not her.

That shrink happened to be the Kids-Shrink.

~~~FLASH FORWARD TO PRESENT~~~

I was nervous about seeing the Kids-Shrink. He seems to have a high opinion of me both as a person (we share book recommendations) and as a parent (based on the degree to which he includes me in the decision-making process with them). I was afraid that once he saw my symptom list, he would write me off as incapable of making those decisions. Of maybe accuse me of faking and exaggerating because that's not how I present when I am with them.

I was also afraid of what he would say. Would he take one look at the cutting and suicidal behaviors and declare me hopeless? Would he decide that the Med-Shrink si doing just fine and that my expectations are unrealistic? Would he tell me I just need to try harder? Would he say he knows how to make it poof-all-better and I'd get my expectations too high only to crash? Or could he make me poof-all-better and I'd find out that I really am just lazy and selfish and spoiled and there is no hope for me?

The difference between what I expected (or rather feared) and what happened spans oceans. He reviewed the paperwork I turned in and asked a few questions. He had me fill out an assessment on attention symptoms, which made me feel like someone had crawled into my head. I told him that the Med-Shrink had told me it's not possible to have ADD if there are any other diagnoses present. He reassured me that isn't the case (Kid-1 being a perfect example) and that there are very clear attention difficulties here that, given that they have been lifelong, point definitively to ADD/ADHD.

He then said that my symptom cluster profile speaks directly to PTSD and asked if I had a past history of trauma. I cannot tell you how much I despise that question. I generally nod and hope it will blow over but I know it won't - it can't - and they will then want to know what and when and who and I can never get the words to come out of my mouth and I'm lucky if I can struggle through staying present long enough to present enough information for them to get the idea. He did get the idea, though, and made his notes and then dropped it.

He asked about what meds I'm on and what they are doing for me. I couldn't really vouch for the efficacy of the Depakote or even the Wellbutrin because I haven't seen a difference with the Depakote and I've been on the Wellbutrin so long I don't know if it's helping or not. I've had plenty of rough spots despite being on the Wellbutrin but, like the VNS, I may not know if it is helping or not until I go off of it and see what happens. I do find the Seroquel helpful in a way I can back up with concrete experience. I feel the same about the Xanax, though I remain cautious about that and want it monitored closely.

When all was said and done, his (technically second) opinion consisted of the following diagnoses: PTSD, ADD, Mood Order NOS. He recommended some changes in my meds (namely stopping the Wellbutrin and the Depakote and adding Concerta). He said he is really glad I am seeing The Shrink as he thinks he does a great job. And he has hope for me...

Absolution Via Ritualized Symbology

After an in-depth discussion with The Shrink this morning about the potential cause of my irrational and extreme reaction to Communion at church last Sunday, he offered some possibilities as to why it happened. Far from the potential that something happened long ago to trigger this fear, we explored what thoughts and feelings I experienced on Sunday. (How very CBT - and quite effective in this case.) He asked how I see Communion and what I thought about while watching it. We discussed my views as opposed to the traditional views taught by the church. We reached a few potential answers for what triggered the fear response and I feel much more comfortable now. As is my norm, after I left I continued to think and churn it over in my mind, taking what he said and extending it out to see where it goes.

At this point, I think I freaked out for a couple of reasons. Communion represents one of the fundamental parts of Christianity that I can't get behind - the worshiping of Jesus the Man above or equal to God the Creator. The very concept of eating his flesh and drinking his blood revolts me both on a surface level and on a theological level. Aside from the cannibalism aspect, it seems to be a very direct manifestation of the worshiping of Jesus rather than Christ.

So it represents a threat to my belief system. I have been trained to do as those around me are doing and keep my counsel to myself. I know what I believe and what I think and what I feel but I will often set those aside in order to comply with instructions or avoid notice or criticism. The expectation at that point was to participate in Communion ritual which goes against the grain of what I believe in my heart. Even though participation isn't mandatory and no one was condemning me for not going up there, I felt the pressure to conform and to not rock the boat and to just do what was expected of me regardless of my belief.

In addition to threatening my spiritual belief system and challenging my ability to act on my beliefs rather than conforming, the very process of Communion involves going up in front of the church and speaking directly to a pastor who would look at me and speak to me and potentially judge me. I would stand out as different, inferior. After all, what God-fearing Christian isn't eligible to take Communion? (sarcasm intended)

The Shrink suggested the reason Communion in particular triggered me so badly is because the whole thing is about absolution of sins. Apparently by going symbolic cannibal, Jesus takes away your sins and all is happy-happy again. He suggested that the concept is diametrically opposed to my belief system. I just don't think it works that way. You do the crime, you do the time. In order to receive absolution, you have to acknowledge you screwed up, apologize for it, make amends if possible, learn from it and be willing to let it go. It has nothing to do with eating crackers and drinking grape juice. If you did horrible things, accepting Jesus shouldn't be enough to "fix it". There has to be some aspect of reparations. Not only is that completely against my spiritual beliefs, the concept is against my mindset.

I have done horrible things and made horrible choices and hurt people in horrible ways. I can't conceive of a possibility where eating crackers and drinking grape juice can make all that not matter any more. And man can suddenly say Poof! Your sins are forgiven. Only the people who committed the sins and the people harmed by them can grant forgiveness. So, he's right that I disagree on the same level that I constantly run into - forgiveness of myself - but I don't think it applies to the Communion situation because I didn't know that was the purpose of Communion. I thought it was a reaffirmation of dedicating to Jesus the Man.

Mood: analytical
Appropriate Song: Scared by Three Days Grace

Reality Check, Anyone?

I know that December was bad. I have no idea how bad it was. I wasn't there. I curled up in that place inside my head that I have been craving for years and I stayed there for a month. I broke. I lost it and I crumbled and I drowned. I saw it coming but no one believed me. They were too busy expressing confidence that I could do it to hear that I wasn't being paranoid. The official story is the toxic combination of Ambien and Xanax. The Med-Shrink didn't buy it but then he thinks he can do no wrong so the concept of him giving me meds that nearly destroyed me is out of his personal reality. When pushed against the walls of our own belief system, we will create our own reality that may or may not match up to other people's. Regardless of why, I broke and I drowned and I hurt people.

BFF made a remark tonight. I don't even remember what we were talking about but she made an off-hand remark about me being so totally gone in December and that I must not be reading her blog any more or there would have been dialog about it. She's right - I stopped reading her blog. (I've stopped 90% of my online activities - I just don't have the strength for them.) But it got me to wondering what she had said and if maybe she had more pieces to the puzzle I have been trying to piece together of what happened. So I went back and I read her blog. I read all of December and much of January.

Apparently, the first time I was committed in December, when it was involuntary but very brief, they made the decision to do it, not the hospital. She said she hoped I would understand one day. Whatever - there is no emotional content to that knowledge - I don't remember it so it doesn't feel like betrayal. It just surprised me. I had been given to believe that the hospital, with the input from The Shrink and the Med-Shrink, made the decision. From what I understand, pulling out the IV and unwrapping my sliced up arm didn't help my cause, nor did trying to walk home without getting dressed.

One thing I didn't know at all and that has me surprised and, truth be told, quite hurt, is that the day of the Family Feud (huge drama over whether I could go to the airport to pick up Hubby or not - got very ugly), that day she felt I was lying at one point or another. It seems I was totally incoherent for hours and then cleared up and seemed fine. She thought - and maybe still does for all I know - that I was faking it at one time or the other. Of everyone, of all the people who know me, I never expected her to accuse me of faking this stuff. The woman I thought was my staunch ally apparently believes I am the type of person to make up psychotic breakdowns. Regardless of whether she has since changed her mind or not, that is going to take some time to process. Something has changed right there, because of that, that I'm not sure can be put back together.

Aside from that, I am appalled at her ability to see things only from her perspective. No, not really appalled because this is not something new. I have occasionally wondered if she has some low lever Asperger's going on but I am fairly confident it is just because of her screwed up past. Everyone is a product of their experiences and hers have taught her to look out for number one without noticing anything else that doesn't directly impact her perception of the world and herself.

She is extremely resentful of the pressure placed on her when I fell apart. She had to cook and clean and take care of things. She couldn't leave Kid-5 with me whenever she wanted to so that she could go study or write or play her online video game. She had to deal with my kids fighting and not helping around the house. I wasn't there to gossip with or edit her stories. I couldn't be there to take care of her every need so that she could be free to pursue her own agenda. I inconvenienced her and put stress on her and she had basically decided she would be better off moving to New Hampshire where Kid-5's grandparents are. I guess the price of room and board and luxuries got to be too high. Kid-3 got the stomach flu while I was in the hospital and she felt so put upon unfairly and ill-used.

I don't ask her for much. In fact, I don't ask her for hardly anything. I don't expect her to cook or clean or babysit. I don't take any money from her and the past few weeks have been giving her everything that I have got and then some. I do anything she asks me to do, without question. (Not always without complaint - she has the habit of scheduling things over top of my schedule and then saying I never told her about it. I get cranky about that and make it clear that it is a pain in the ass to cover it.)

And I don't keep a tally sheet in my head. I have no idea how often I watch Kid-5. I have no idea how much money I've given her since we've been back in the house. I have no idea how many hours we've spent editing stories that I didn't like in the first place. It doesn't matter to me. I don't expect her to keep everything in balance. I don't do a tit for tat situation. I give her everything I am able to give because I want to, because I can, because she needs it, because I love her. I do everything in my power to protect her just as fiercely as if we shared blood.

Normally I don't resent it. It makes me feel good to be in a position that I can help. And I try to meet her where she's at and not expect more than she is capable or willing to give. I don't plan on her being home when she says she will. I try to make sure I have a backup planned if I've asked her to pick up or drop off the kids because I know that if something comes up in her world, she will drop mine to do it. I know this so I plan for it. I know she doesn't keep commitments, she has no respect for other people's time, and never feels honor-bound by a contract or commitment. I know that she doesn't understand social cues and probably never will and I don't let that bother me because that's just her. And I accept her where she at, no matter where that is.

But reading her posts from when I was drowning and listening to her talking about setting boundaries... I am really fighting that resentment. Because I don't expect her to keep things even. I don't expect her to change her ways to suit me. I don't make offers that I am not happy with giving. But I do expect her to know when it is a big deal and to act appropriately. I don't expect her to cook and clean and babysit, but I guess I expected her to realize that in any other situation, that would be expected to some degree - I expected gratitude not attitude. I don't expect her to do things but I don't think she has the right to get mad at me me if they then don't get done. And I keep holding on to the unrealistic expectation that she will apologize in accordance with social norms when she inconveniences someone, regardless of whose "fault" it is.

She is so wrapped up in her own world. Everything that bothered her about December, about me in December, was because of what it was costing her. She wasn't worried about me because of the pain I was in, she was worried about me because the pain I was in meant she couldn't have or do some of the things she wanted and expected. She wasn't worried about where in my head I had gone that resulted in me not being coherent at all, she was worried about who was going to babysit Kid-5 so she could study for her test and not have to clean the house. She wasn't worried about the impact that my state would have on my kids, just that she had to take care of them for me.

I know that she cares about me. She is my BFF and my life-sister (as opposed to blood-sister). She enjoys the things we do together and she appreciates the things we do for each other. It just frustrates me that she sees everything only from the POV of "what will this do for me" instead of "what can we do for each other". And of course, I can't help thinking that Jung would probably say that this bothers me because I am the same way - good old Shadow concept - and that makes me feel horribly shameful for being frustrated at all.

How often do I say (well, think) that if a person doesn't like something, they should do something about it? Whether that something is to address the issue and get it changed, or adapt their expectations, or walk away... they need to do something or they have no right to continue to complain about it. So this is me, trying to get my head around the fact that BFF's world does not extend beyond how it immediately affects her. This is not a new concept, not a new state of being for her or towards me. I guess I just keep having it reinforced in a more direct way than before. Her therapy reinforces these concepts - that it is all about her - and living with her makes it more immediate and intimate.

So now I need to shit or get off the pot - adapt my expectations or do something to change the situation. And right now I am too hurt, too tired, and too scared to change the circumstances so I am in the process of reprogramming my expectations. I have taken her off my list of people that don't judge me. (It is down to 3 people now.) I have made mental notes to stop expecting any level of assistance from her that doesn't come with resentment. I am reworking my concept of where she fits into our household since she doesn't want to be part of the family. (Apparently all she wants is room and board and luxuries.)

She is still my BFF. She is still my biggest supporter of my short story writing and my most accessible friend to talk to about writing or some emotional stuff. (So long as it doesn't involve my mother or Hubby or the kids or anything that bothers her because she can't listen and let me vent, she just gets angry at them for it.) And above all, she is doing her best in the only ways she knows how.

Mood: shocked and hurt
Appropriate Song: Heaven Forbid by The Fray for the BFF and Fake It by Seether for me

Irrational Fear

I am a "Why" person. Everything that happens around me, inside me, to me or because of me... I want to know why. Why do people try to assume a baby is saying a word when they are babbling? (Because humans instinctively look for patterns in things around them.) Why is PersonA so angry at PersonB over what seems to be something so small? (Because PersonaA sees it as a symptom of a larger issue, one that is a pet peeve.)

Understanding why people do what they do helps me cope with those things that are less than pleasant. Why did MurdererX kill VictimY? Maybe I'll never know for sure the answer to that but I have logical possibilities: maybe they got into a fight while drunk. Maybe one was trying to defend themselves and things got violent. Maybe MurdererX has issues with uncontrolled rage. Maybe MurdererX is a sociopath and has no moral barometer. I may never know, but I understand the possibilities. And it doesn't make it okay, not by a long shot, but it makes it a little more logical to me, it makes more sense.

Then there are the things for which I cannot answer the question, "Why did this happen?" Those things bother me. There is a spectrum of bothered involved, usually related to how strongly the resulting action made me feel.

There was a man who walked into a daycare with which he had no association and started stabbing everyone with the intent to kill. He killed two infants and one of the workers and put 12 other people in the hospital. Then he left and rode away on his bicycle. I can't make sense of this. I can only assume he was delusional in some extreme manner but why that place? Why those people? It makes no sense and it bothers me. It doesn't bother me to the point of disrupting my daily functioning (like the Andrea Yates thing did, where I still can't give a bath without a panic attack) but when I think of the incident, I feel agitated.

There was a guy whose car was stopped on a train track when the train came. It hit and killed him. As near as they can figure, there was no reason for him to be there. There was no traffic blocking him, the warning lights were perfectly functional and he had plenty of time to leave the vehicle if something was wrong with it. (They can't be sure because they squished the car, but if I remember correctly, they do not believe anything was wrong with the car.) I don't understand why this happened. Was he trying to kill himself? If so, he succeeded, though I can't help but wonder if he considered the aftermath that the train's engineer will have to deal with for the rest of his life. He feels like he killed someone, despite it not being his fault in any way, shape or form. I don't get it and that bothers me, but I didn't even remember it until I was trying to come up with examples for this post so it obviously isn't bothering me that much.

But some things do bother me and they bother me a lot...

We went to church again Sunday, as planned. The sermon was okay. It was about God giving us multiple chances to follow Him. It was based on the Bible stuff where Peter and Andrew and I don't remember who else were fishing and Jesus said to come be fishers of men and they did, for a while, but went back to fishing and Jesus came to them again and asked them to follow him and they did and became disciples. Good concept - I like the idea of a God who keeps presenting opportunities until you take one. Reminds me a little of the Three Rowboats and a Helicopter but that's for another tale, uh, sermon, or whatever. So, no major issues there. Still confused about the whole God/Jesus distinction but whatever. I'll work through it.

Then they announced it was time for Communion. And I panicked. Flat out, eyes like a deer in the headlights, looking for a way to get out of the building, can't breathe, can't think, can't talk kind of panic. Hubby talked me through it calmly, carefully, gently. He held my hand while I tried to break his fingers from holding so tight. He reminded me to breathe and kept telling me it was okay and that we didn't have to go up there or anything, just stay in our seats. But I was terrified. Even the word Communion makes my stomach turn over and my heart speed up, gives me that buzzy feeling in the back of my head.

This bothers me. A LOT. Because I have absolutely no reason to be afraid of Communion. I've never taken it in my life. The church I grew up in didn't do it. And I had good experiences with the church I grew up in so it isn't even a matter of guilt by association. I absolutely cannot pinpoint where that blind terror is coming from.

I never went to another church regularly. I mean, I went to my cousin's church during the couple weeks in the summer when I stayed there but I have absolutely no memory of that. No memory to the point that when I went to that church for my Uncle's memorial service, despite it being the same church building that it has been for 50+ years, it didn't even look familiar to me.

So it's not from a past church experience. What it is from? Why does the thought of having to participate in that activity, or be present while others do, scare me to an incapacitating degree? I can't answer these questions and I don't even have any theories. Plus, it directly involves me. And it generated a drastic (practically melodramatic) reaction in me. So it is on the high side of that spectrum.

There has to be a foundation for it - but what is it? Why did I freak out? Why am I extremely nervous and agitated just writing this, with my fingers shaking and my breath coming too shallow and too fast? And yet I can't come up with anything. It gives every appearance of being a totally irrational fear.

Snapshot in Time (Symptom Questionnaire)

I am working on changing psychiatrists. To that end, I have scheduled an appointment for a "second opinion" with the Kids' Shrink. When I did, he gave me this huge list of symptoms to fill out. There are a bazillion statements and I was supposed to put a + by the ones that apply to me, cross out the ones that don't apply to me, put a ++ by the ones that describe me perfectly and make any comments I felt appropriate. It took me close to three hours to complete the questionnaire. It occurred to me that this questionnaire provides a detailed look at where I am at psychologically; it's a snapshot in time. I think it might be helpful for me to look at these things as I try to create my road map for becoming more emotionally healthy. (Not to mention just plain fascinating to read and dissect!) I'm going to put it up here so I don't lose it.

WARNING: THIS IS REALLY REALLY REALLY long and I don't expect anyone to read the whole thing. I just want a record of it and I think I can learn a lot about myself at this moment in time from it.

Here are my responses exactly how I put them down:
_______________

Mood:

+   I feel sad.
      I cry easily. Not in front of others but often when I am alone
+   I lack energy
+   I feel slowed down.
++I feel guilty like I have done something wrong
+   I feel hopeless about the future
++I think a lot about death and dying
      Life is not worth living Mine isn't but my kids' is
+   I feel emotionally numb
---------> the one above this and below this I put a bracket to tie them together with the comment I swing between these
+   I am very emotional
      I feel irritable and short-tempered no more often than anyone else
      My temper gets out of control almost never
+   My mood changes for no reason doesn't everyone's?
      I have mood swings without reason
+   I get upset easily
      Sometimes I feel more happy than normal
      Sometimes I feel on top of the world
+   I worry too much
+   I'm afraid of leaving home I do anyways
      I am afraid of being alone with 8 people in this house, I barely remember "alone"
      I am afraid of sleeping alone no more or less than anything else
+   I have panic attacks
+   Sometimes I feel so scared as if I will go crazy or die
      Sometimes I feel so scared as if I am having a heart attack I have learned these aren't heart attacks
+   My heart beats too fast during panic attacks
++I am afraid of things/places/situations that most people handle fine
++I am very shy
++I am afraid to speak in front of strangers
++I am very self-conscious

Speech:

      I talk too much
      I talk very little
      My thoughts do not make sense they make sense to me!
      I stutter
      My speech is odd and unusual

Thought Content:

++I think I am worthless
++I feel inferior to others
      I think I am important and special (I used four lines to cross this one out)
      I think that people are watching me
+   I think that people are talking about me
      I do not easily trust others complicated to explain this one. i give everyone the benefit of the doubt on their own behalves but still assume they think ill of me and/or mean me harm
      I think this world is full of trickery
++People just do not understand me
++I think a lot about my past abuse and bad memories
+   I hear voices that other people don't hear
+   I see things that other people don't see
++I think bad thoughts
+   I cannot get bad thoughts out of my mind
      I worry about getting a serious illness
+   I have many aches and pain
      I have many things wrong with the body define "many"?
      I think my face does not look right
++I think I am ugly
+   I think about being overweight a lot define "a lot"?
+   Things feel unreal
      I feel unreal, as if I am in a dream not all the time
++I lose periods of time of which I have no memory
++I feel unsure of myself
+   I have no clear plans for the future

Behavior:

      I do the same activities over and over again only because we have scheduled activities
      I have my routines and rituals only what it takes to keep a household of 8 running
      I fidget a lot
+   I am unable to sit quietlyi have to be doing something
+   I am often on the go see comment about having 8 people in the household
      I am impatient no more than anyone else
      I have trouble waiting for turns
      I interrupt others
++I get into other people's business
      I love fighting (I used four lines to cross this out) I HATE IT!
      I bully others
+   I am cruel to people I don't mean to be but I still end up hurting their feelings! :-(
      I am cruel to animals
      I destroy property in anger
      I have been in trouble with the law
      I steal
      I lie a lot (I used two lines to cross this out)
      I break rules a lot
++I keep making the same mistakes again and again
      I do not like people telling me what to do
++I just cannot make decisions

Tics and Obsessions:

      I make noises
      I have muscle twitches
      I miss school more than average N/A
+   I miss work a lot on SSDI so, definition, yes
      I check things over and over
      I wash my hands over and over
+   I count over and over as an anxiety coping device
      I hoard things
      I find it hard to throw things away

Focus and Persistence and Learning:

++I find it hard to stick to things
+   I find it hard to be a self-starter
++I make careless mistakes
+   I have a hard time focusing on boring things
      I don't listen when spoken to
++I leave tasks and chores incomplete
++I start many things and leave them incomplete
++I have a hard time getting organized
++I lose things
+   I get easily distracted by my surroundings
+   I am forgetful
+   I am unable to stay awake and alert more than average but not currently to the point of being incapacitated
+   I have a hard time focusing
      I am accident prone
      I am clumsy
+   I am not well coordinated
      I have problems learning in school
      I am unable to read well
      I am unable to write well
      I have problems dealing with Math

Relations and Adaptation:

+   I cut myself
+   I used to cut myself but not any more this is the goal! :-)
+   I burn myself also past tense
      I have a hard time getting along with my family members
      I have a hard time getting along with others at school N/A
      I have a hard time getting along with others at workN/A
?   I am very self-absorbed probably? maybe? I don't know...
      I am unable to have fun with other people people make me very nervous. if I can get past that, I am able to have fun
      I am unable to connect emotionally with others
      I blame others for my mistakes
      I hold grudges only against myself
      I argue with others
      I hate being bossed around
      I do not like people in authority
      I do not like to be told what to do
?   I manipulate others to get my way
      I am not sensitive to the needs of others
      I am jealous/envious of people better off than me no more than anyone else
++I am very upset by criticism. I feel attacked
      People find me too controlling
      People annoy me a lot
      I like taking care of details
      I like things done just right
+   It is hard for me to find help in the community mostly because I have trouble asking for it
      I do not feel close to other people
      I often ignore bathing/showering/my personal appearance define "often"? when my depression is at its worst, I don't care enough or have enough energy to do anything about it

Eating and Sleeping:

      I do not enjoy eating these days
+   I eat more than I should
      Sometimes I eat a lot of food in one sitting "a lot" as in too much, not as in binging
      I make myself throw
      I sometimes take several laxative pills close together
++I feel too fat
      I use laxitaves daily
      I sometimes eat things others do not consider food
      I have lost weight I did for a while - almost 25 lbs
+   I have gained weight
      Over my life, my weight has gone up and down a lot
++I have a hard time getting to sleep
++I wake up a lot during the night
+   I wake up tired and unrefreshed
+   I feel fatigued during the days
+   I feel sleepy during the day
+   I have nightmares
      I do not need much sleep
      I walk at night and do not remember it the next day
      I talk at night and do not remember it the next day
      I eat at night and do not remember it the next day
      I drive at night and do not remember it the next day
      I wet the bed at night
      I soil the clothes

Substance Abuse and Additions:

      I smoke cigarettes
      I used to smoke cigarettes but do not anymore
      I chew tobacco
      I used to chew tobacco but do not anymore
      I used to drink to excess but not anymore
+   I sometimes feel guilty about my drinking
      I have felt that I need to cut down my drinking
      I get annoyed by people telling me that I need to cut down my drinking no one tells me that
      Sometimes I need a drink of alcohol to get around in the morning
      I smoke marijuana
      I used to smoke marijuana but I do not any more
      I use cocaine/meth/crank
      I used cocaine/meth/crank but I do not any more
      I abuse other drugs or prescriptions
      I have abused other drugs or prescriptions in the past but I do not any more
      I have problems with withdrawal from drugs or alcohol
      I have had problems with withdrawal from drugs or alcohol in the past
      I huff gas/markers
      I used to use gas/markers but do not any more

Sex: (you would not believe how hard it was for me to type this section! *sigh*)

+   My sexual desire is less than normal
      My sexual desire is more than normal
+   I have difficulty in achieving orgasm
      (guy question i'm not going to type)
      I engage in sexual behavior that many people see as abnormal

Primary Work/School/Social Performance:

+   I enjoy my work (or school) when I am well
      I enjoy my work (or school) these days
      I perform well at my work (or school) when I am well
      I perform well at my work (or school) these days
+   I am unable to attend work (or school)
++I am on long term disability
      I have many friends

Childhood

      I was physically abused as a child
+   I was sexually abused as a child
      I was emotionally abused as a child currently under debate
      My basic needs were not met as a child
      I saw a lot of fighting in my home as a child only fights involving me but define "a lot"
++I could never do well enough for my parentsmother growing up
+   I was loved as a child
+   I had a hard time growing up
+   I ran away from home but I was returned home by the cops a few hours later