God Grant Me the Serenity

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
The strength to change the things I cannot accept,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

The Shrink has had me on edge, to the point of paranoia, about leaving Hubby and Baby-Mommy alone together for fear of their misbehaving. He has a point. This has happened before with Hubby and a girl that was living with us. And Baby-Mommy's judgement regarding her romantic relationships has been known to be questionable at best. All of my instincts tell me this is not a threat but The Shrink has some incredibly intuitions about things that surprise the heck out of me.

So I've been spazzing a bit. I've been staying up later than I want just to not leave them alone. I've been having nightmares and nightmarish daydreams about what could happen. The fear has been gnawing at me constantly, intensifying any time I see either of them.

I can't live like this.

This week I have been really struggling with Hubby's imminent departure. He will be gone for SIX WEEKS and I am really struggling with this. One of the things that has me upset is that I won't be there to make sure he doesn't stray. He will have every opportunity and I will have no way of finding out.

Last night, after I had taken a handful of little white pills and was waiting for the relaxation to kick in, it occurred to me if he is going to do something, he is going to do something and there is nothing I can do about it. Following this line of thinking, I realized that the same, ultimately, is true of him and Baby-Mommy. If something is going to happen, they could find a way to make it happen. It is true that leaving them alone at night under the same roof increases the possibility of something happening but there is a much greater chance of something happening while he is gone at training.

Que sera sera!

If he is going to cheat on me, he is going to cheat on me. I'm done babysitting them. I just don't care. If it happens it happens. I don't think they would do that to me, to each other. But if they do.... que sera sera.

What's Wrong?

I love how people have taken to assessing my mood. I think we all do it to others to some degree, size a person up when we see them to determine how they are feeling which in turn determines how we behave. But most people, most of the time, keep the results of these observations to themselves.

Not around me lately. It's like people feel the need to tell me how I'm feeling, in case I don't know or something. What I find most amusing is that everyone except my bff, Baby-Mommy, seem to be wrong almost all of the time. But this is good as the comments I generally get are, "You sound good today." and "You look like you're in a good mood." and "You look good today." This is good because that means the face I put on for others is working. Most of the time I just smile and give an indication that they are correct without actually confirming it.

Baby-Mommy, on the other hand, takes one look at me and says things like, "What's wrong?" or "Rough day?" or "Hang in there, it's only 7 in the morning." This morning she greeted me with, "Not so grumpy today, huh? You look too tired to care." And she was dead on. It's ironic how well she knows my moods. She predicted every single crash I've had since she moved up here. (Which makes me nervous as she seems to think I am headed for one now.)

What makes this ironic is that Baby-Mommy doesn't do social cues very well. She rarely knows when she's crossed those fluid and invisible boundaries people set up. She is too open with some people and not open enough with others, she hasn't learned how to play the game of knowing what approach to take with people. She has zero respect for people's time and when she makes a faux pas there, doesn't know how to handle it appropriately. She does fine in a business setting between agent and customer but as soon as social aspects get involved, she gets a bit hazy.

And yet she reads me like I'm an open book. I cannot, no matter how hard I try, bullshit her about my mood. She may have no idea why I am in the mood that I am in, but she can correctly identify it. This gets sticky when I am trying to pretend I am fine and actually am not. It provokes the question:

What's wrong?

That is quite possibly the most evil question in all of the English language. (Although "Where do you want to go for lunch?" comes in a close second. *evil wink*) I can't actually tell people what is really going on. The consequences are unacceptable. If I tell Baby-Mommy that I am a few steps below depressed, having to work very hard to keep from doing some serious physical harm to myself and trying to figure out when in the crazy schedule of my life would be the best time for me to drug myself into a stupor and lamenting the fact that I can't just finish the job because of my kids but I am counting the minutes until they are gone so I can just die............... Yeah. That wouldn't go over so well. Let's look at what each of those items would provoke.

a few steps below depressed: This would lead to a discussion of why, which involves a great deal of self-loathing. She would then offer up a slew of compliments to get me to not hate myself, none of which I would believe. Then I would feel more guilty for not feeling better.

having to work very hard to keep from doing some serious physical harm to myself: First it would worry the hell out of her. Then she would go into protective mode and put measures in place to prevent me from being able to hurt myself. This would certainly involve not letting me stay up by myself or go anywhere by myself. It may even go so far as to trying to get a fucking babysitter for me instead of me babysitting Baby. And she would tell Hubby. Hubby would flat out freak and debate whether or not he can/should go away to train school. Then, not only would I not be able to get the satisfaction of seeing damage done to my body, I would have everyone stressed out.

trying to figure out when in the crazy schedule of my life would be the best time for me to drug myself into a stupor: First, she would tell Hubby, who would freak and do the whole train debate. Then she/they would take my pills away. And lock them up. And I would have to ask for my pills like a 3 year old. Grrr.

lamenting the fact that I can't just finish the job because of my kids but I am counting the minutes until they are gone so I can just die: This would create the biggest problems of them all. I don't even tell The Shrink that I feel this way. Everyone would go into panic mode. I would get endless lectures on the reasons that I shouldn't kill myself now or later. And there is a good chance that they would try to hospitalize me. If that happens, there is an equally good chance they would ship me down to the state mental hospital for 3 - 6 months or more.

That absolutely CANNOT happen. While a small part of me thinks that the time away would give me perspective and let me get my head on straight, the rest of me knows that I would not, will not, cannot let that happen. I've seen what happens when I'm not here - they can't keep things going with the kids. And everyone stresses out beyond their capacity. Plus the cost. Plus the fact that Hubby would refuse to go away to train school. And the damage it would do to the kids. And my mother. And the trust I will never again regain from my family. It is simply not an option.

So... what's wrong?

I'm just tired. I have a headache. Kids are driving me nuts. I'm worried about money. I don't feel good. Or my personal favorite - Nothing. (Followed by a swift change of the subject onto something that has to be handled to avoid coming back to it.)

Deify by Disturbed

Whoa. I always get this tune stuck in my head... "Deeeee-ify yooooou!" I decided to look up the lyrics tonight. They are anti-Bush. I don't do politics so I immediately read something completely different into them. I don't want to spell out what it was, but I had some pretty intense flashbacks just now.... It's so - HIM! (*runs off to cower in a corner*)

"Deify"

Man1: That's what I believe got him re-elected, is the people knew that you could believe what he said
Man2: Well, that's a repressive comment
Bush: Our country is strong
Man3: But how many people march, it's like going to...
Bush: We go forward to defend freedom
Man4: ...the government's side
Bush: And all that is good, and just, in our world

All my devotion betrayed
I am no longer afraid
I was too blinded to see
How much you've stolen from me

You want to know why I feel so horrified?
I've let my innocence die
You want to know why I can't be pacified?
You made me bury something
I won't be sleeping tonight

I only wanted a blessing made
Now I've been labeled a renegade
It seems so clear now what I must do
You're no immortal
I won't let them
Deify you
They view you as the new messiah
Deify you
Renew belief in some demented man

You want to know why it seems the passion's died?
We've all been living this lie
You want to know why my will's been fortified?
You've made me hunger again
Good luck sleeping tonight

I only wanted a blessing made
Now I've been labeled a renegade
It seems so clear now what I must do
You're no immortal
I won't let them
Deify you
They view you as the new messiah
Deify you
Renew belief in some demented man

All my devotion betrayed
I am no longer afraid
I was too blinded to see
How much you've stolen from me

Deify you
They view you as the new messiah
Deify you
Renew belief in some demented man

When You're Gone

I've been behind you all the way, supporting your pursuit of this job with the railroad. I know why it is so important for us. We need the benefits badly and a stable income in this faltering economy will hopefully keep us from going under.

And I think this change will be good for you, too. You've been at this job for too many years with too few changes. You have nowhere to go there - there is no advancement potential - and the boss not only takes you for granted, he makes your job more difficult than it needs to be. The railroad is nothing like that. It's something new and different all the time, yet familiar also. And who hasn't had, at some point, the urge to just jump on a train (or similar) and take off?

It won't be easy for you. First you have to go be isolated away from everyone and everything you know and be expected to read and study and focus. Whether you have a job or not depends on your success here and I know you will feel the stress of it. Once you do get back, you will have some major adjustments ahead of you. Our family will have learned how to operate on our own, without you. You will be in and out and unable to schedule anything with any degree of certainty. But most of all, your sleep is about to become random and chaotic and that is not something you have ever dealt with well. Still, I think, with time, we will all adjust to this and get into a pattern of behaviors that mostly work.

I have supported you on every step of this journey. It is very clear that I am the only person who sees at least as many negatives in this as positives. So I have adopted an optimistic demeanor about it, stocking up on things to say to people when they ask. I tried the honesty route, telling people I'm scared to death of this. It backfired. It led to endless pep talks and listing of the positives involved. I already know those and don't need them repeated to me again.

It is so much easier to give people what they want than what they think they want. They don't want to know how I'm doing. They want to know that I am doing well. They don't want to know how I feel about this. They want to know that I am looking forward to it. Answering the questions people ask (inevitably and without exception) leads to an invalidation of my personal truth. The very best I can expect is a joke about it but most often, people will try to convince me of the answer they want to hear. And I end up feeling that I am bad and wrong (and all those other adjectives that fill my head) for not feeling how they want me to.

The truth of this particular matter is that I am still (and always have been) scared to tears. I am an extremely selfish individual with very a strong lazy streak. And while I see all the positives this may bring, I also see all the things it will destroy and/or take away. And, to me, those weigh heavily on my mind and heart.

The big things are obvious...

You will be completely gone for 6 weeks including Thanksgiving, the kids' first choir concert, Kid-4's birthday, your birthday, and the scout popcorn sales you said you'd handle. We haven't been apart for longer than 2 weeks since we got together 16 years ago. To use a cheesy cliche/quote: You complete me.

I have no idea how this is going to work financially. You just told me that we will not have health coverage for 3 months after you start. You said we'll do COBRA and I have no idea how we can possibly afford that. We can't meet our bills now, even with the substantial help we get from my parents.

There is no way logistically or practically that I could get a job to make ends meet until things come together. Do you even know how far behind we are? Your "salary" during training will be less than what you take home now, even considering the difference in health insurance and deductions. Once you get home, you will be on "training pay" which is still right at what you bring home now and not enough to get us caught up on everything that will have fallen even farther behind.

Expenses are likely to go up significantly. Your truck is on it's last breath - something will have to be done about it soon. Gas costs are going to rise for us with your driving so far to the train yard. Your lunch costs are going to go up as you will have to be getting many more meals out. I am trying to get us eating better and that is rising those costs, though my parents are footing most of that. We will need to pay for your cell phone now that work won't be covering it. You want to do something about a movie rental thing so you can watch movies on your laptop while you're gone - that's going to be a near impossibility.

And there are the extras... The kids need winter clothes. Kid-4's birthday is coming up. We have a big party planned for his birthday and your going away. We have our overnight guest coming for a week this month. And this big one, the one I am most worried about: Christmas.

They are already losing their father this Christmas as you will more likely than not be working on Christmas. I hate for them to lose the style of Christmas to which they are accustomed as well. Kid-4 still believes in the magical, come-down-the-chimney, media version of Santa Claus. He won't understand why last year Santa brought tons of stuff and this year Santa barely visits at all.

Those are the big things. I'm worried about money. I'm worried about being overwhelmed with everything I have to do basically on my own. I'm worried that I will fall apart and there will be no one there to catch me. I'm worried that we will suffer as a family and as a couple from the distance and time. I'm worried about all these changes at once.

But there are a thousand little things too.

When you're gone, who will hold me in the middle of the night after a nightmare without asking me what it was about? When you're gone, who will call me every day at lunchtime just to see how I'm doing? When you're gone, who will quote movies back and forth with me? When you're gone, who will give me long tight hugs for absolutely no reason just because I need a hug? When you're gone, who will smile indulgently while I babble? When you're gone, who will always know how to fix anything from the computers to the cars? When you're gone, who will take kids places on Saturday mornings so I can sleep? When you're gone, who will talk to people on the phone so that I don't have to? When you're gone, who will cover for me when I have a headache? When you're gone, who will help me figure out what to do about a problem with the kids? When you're gone, who will tell me they are just normal siblings when I don't know because I've never been there? When you're gone, who will force us to do Family Cleaning Day when I want to skip it so bad I ache? When you're gone, who will get angry and frustrated at people doing things so that I don't have to feel those emotions? When you're gone, who will tell me I'm beautiful, know it isn't true, but really believe it anyway? When you're gone, who will tell me it's going to be okay, without having any clue how, and have me actually believe it?

Please, God! Let me wake up from this horrible nightmare or go to sleep and never wake up!!! I don't wanna be here anymore.

1,000 Little White Pills

***NOTE: I DO NOT ADVOCATE SUICIDE FOR ANYONE FOR ANY REASON. IF YOU ARE FEELING SUICIDAL, PLEASE CALL 911 OR YOUR DOCTOR OR A FRIEND OR ANYONE WHO CAN HELP YOU THROUGH THIS DIFFICULT TIME.***

1 little white pill calms down the trembling in my hands from the Lexapro.

2 little white pills heads off most panic attacks

3 little white pills make me calm

4 little white pills make me relaxed

5 - 8 little white pills make me not give a shit

8 - 10 little white pills let me fall asleep quickly and stay that way for a while

10 - 15 little white pills send me to a place in my head where everything is soft. It also causes amnesia and concerning behavior for 24 - 36 hours.

15 - 20 little white pills will very likely land me in the psych ward as I cannot hide that I took them.

20 - 25 little white pills will land me in the medical hospital

25+ little white pills will put me on a respirator

25+ little white pills plus a few other types will put me into a coma

25+ little white pills plus a few specific pills will kill me

It took me years of pushing the envelope a little bit at a time to figure out these thresholds. By the time I did, I realized that I cannot take this path. The damage it would do to my children would be profound and irreversible, quite possibly fatal. The damage it would do to other loved ones is huge and devastating.

That doesn't stop me from wanting to do it.

The "Happies" are gone and I am sinking fast. I had a day of the controlled-energy-annoyingly-hyper stage. I have gone through the sleep-to-catch-up phase. I went through the hey-where's-my-energy-but-still-okay part in only about 6 hours. I had a full and intense day of don't-mess-with-me-or-I'll-bite-your-head-off mood. (That sucked.) I am now in the crying-because-I-don't-wanna-do-this-anymore phase. If my past pattern repeats itself, I will soon go numb-so-I-don't-have-to-hurt and that will drop into despair and then sink further into I-don't-even-have-the-energy-to-be-depressed.

Right now, I keep finding myself standing in the kitchen in front of the medication baskets that keep the family's prescriptions organized. I stare at my bottles of little white pills. I don't touch them, not yet, though I will probably end up with a bottle in my pocket within the next couple of days. I just stare at the bottles and imagine the sinking, relaxing feeling of taking so many of them that I lose count. I breathe deeply and remember the strange sensation of forgetting to breathe and the step further of forgetting to breathe and forgetting that I've forgotten and really not caring at all. I can almost feel the way the room spins in slow, blurry revolutions interrupted by long, dark grey blinks.

And then I realize that there are tears on my cheeks. I am so frustrated. I try and I try and I try and I do so much but when I look at what I've done, there is still so much to do. I've barely made a dent. It seems so wrong that simply living life should be so very difficult for me to do. All I want is to close my eyes and have them not open again. Even my very best is not enough and I don't think it ever will be.

I am allowed to take 4 little white pills a day. They are very low dose (.5 mg) so I don't get addicted to them. I almost never take all 4. Right now, I take 1 in the morning, every morning, because otherwise my hands are so shaky my handwriting, typing and other fine motor skills are impaired. I will take others as needed. I am very confident that I am not now, nor am I in danger of becoming, addicted to them. Most days, I only take 1 or 2 and before the Lexapro, I took 1 or less a day.

But I get them filled every month without fail. And I have been doing this for a very long time.

I sat down (mentally) and figured it up one day. By my calculation, I have somewhere between 1,000 and 1,500 little white pills. There is absolutely no good reason for having that many little white pills on hand unless one intends to do something rather permanent. I know this. But I won't get rid of them, even though I have taken suicide off the table until my children are grown and have flown the nest.

Somehow, having 1,000 little white pills on hand makes me feel a little less trapped. I know there is a fire escape and, even though I don't plan on using it, it is there, like a security blanket tucked away in the closet. I'm not using them, but I know they are there, just in case.

And so I stand at the counter, and I look at my bottles and I wish it were an option. I go through it all in my head, the feelings and thoughts and sensations. I wish I could talk to someone about it that wouldn't freak out and throw me in the psych ward, or tell me to get rid of them, or give me The Lecture about all I have to live for and blah blah blah.

I don't need The Lecture. I have 1,000 little white pills...... and 1,000 reasons to not take them.

But oh how I wish I could!

Mania - How Can Good Be Bad???

Yesterday The Shrink told me that he hopes I am not going into a manic phase but that if I could maintain this mood that we could talk about me seeing him less often. (See? Told you I feel good!)

Then my family and friends started to spazz and say I was acting manic. And that sucked. But I don't care because I feel GREAT.

So last night I slept about 3 or 4 hours or so, give or take. And I was SOOOO cheerful today. By the time got to The MedShrink's office, I was jamming to the music and had that buzzy feeling in my head and I realized that I can do anything I put my mind to. ANYTHING! I couldn't wait to tell him how good everything is.

I had made up a list of what's going good and what's not going good. And Doc asked me if I'm manic and I said no. He read my list and he told me in no uncertain terms that yes, I am manic. And he listed off my list and told me that I read like the DSM-IV. I told him I am NOT manic because I don't want to be manic because I am HAPPY and want to stay that way.

He said I am manic but he's okay with that at this point. But I have to keep an eye out for "warning signs" like hallucinations, risk-taking behaviors, not sleeping at all, excessive disorganization and stuff like that. Whatever. I don't want to be manic - I just FEEL GOOD! Things are going to be okay - I know they will - and that feels good.

Baby-Mommy was on my case tonight about how every time I go manic, I end up in the hospital from an overdose and I couldn't convince her that I'm not manic - I'M HAPPY!
Why can't I just be happy? Why does everyone have to freak out when things start going RIGHT? How can feeling this good be that bad???

"I think you too, should practice some excessive happiness." -Patch Adams

IT'S ALIIIIIIIIIIVE!!!!

Guess what? I feel GOOD. Actually, I feel great! I have energy and I'm getting things done and I can see that I do to have strengths! I need to work on cleaning a bit more but I've been cooking and babysitting and database programming and story plotting... Two days in a row I haven't even wanted to go back to bed after kids get off (which is good cuz I couldn't have either day LOL). I feel strong and confident and optimistic.

Things really are going to be okay. I don't know or when but we will get there. The light at the end of the tunnel may be (literally) a train, but it's the Express Train to A Better Life. I really believe that. I don't know how it's going to happen - money is such a mess - but we will find a way.

"If there is one thing the history of evolution has taught us it's that life will not be contained. Life breaks free, expands to new territory, and crashes through barriers, painfully, maybe even dangerously...... Life will find a way." Dr. Ian Malcolm - Jurassic Park