The SV Chronicles

Been There, Felt That

2011-07-08T23:50:00.000-05:00

I have 4 extremely busy kids. At one point this summer we had 15 activities that happened 1 - 5 times per week at the same time: 6 baseball teams, 1 soccer team, 1 hockey team, 1 dance class, 2 kids in marching band, 2 weekly therapy appointments, and 2 weekly social appointments. In April, we only had 3 of those 6 baseball teams and marching band hadn't started but we also had 3 kids in 2 choirs, 3 kids in 2 scout groups, 4 kids in 3 school musicals, and a wide variety of after-school clubs. Plus Hubby works more than full time and all 4 kids plus myself were in school full time.

I practically live out of my car because I am taking someone to or from an activity or running an errand or to the dentist or doctor or to/from an friend's house or something along those lines. For there to be a space on my calendar that doesn't have anything scheduled - an entire DAY - I literally get scared. (For the record, I don't push the kids into activities. If anything, I have to hold them back.)

This article I linked to really resonates with me because I keep going. I make sure the kids get where they need to be semi-almost-kinda-not-quite-but-close-ish on time with mostly-usually-unless-I-forgot-or-lost-it-again what they need to have. I juggle the schedules and can usually tell you who should be where on any given school evening. I get good grades - straight A's (if an A- counts as an A) and I can smile and carry on a coherent conversation with other parents at events, which I almost-always-without-extra-qualifiers attend.

Friends and family assume this means I'm doing good. I hide the cutting pretty well and I never discuss the constant suicidal urges. I try not to even let them know when I am spiraling and can pull it off to some degree. If they knew how dark things are inside my head... it wouldn't be pretty.

But I know that there aren't any additional resources for me. I see my med-shrink monthly. He informs me that there is nothing more meds can do for me; it's all psychological and not biological now. I see my talk-shrink weekly; not making much progress there either. I slide downward, realizing every day how unlikely it is that things will ever improve beyond where they are now. Baby steps, maybe, but things seem to be plateaued with little hope of further significant progress. At this point, I'm just not that sick and what sick I am is all in my head.

I want out.

Need to Read

2011-07-06T00:44:00.000-05:00

Grrr. I want to read. I would love to get into a great series but I have no idea what I want. I don't do mysteries and crime stories but I love psychological mind-fucks. Horror, thrillers, paranormal, even fantasy are all fair game but I don't want vampires and cliches. I don't like war stories so that rules out a huge chunk of series and I don't like crime/mysteries so that rules out another massive chunk of the market. I'm bored with the Jodi Piccult style emotional dramas. I want something dark and twisty and seriously fucked up in the head.

And I have no clue how to find any books (let alone series) that fit those requirements. Urg. Maybe sleep is better than reading after all. It's not like I'm doing so hot at following storylines these days. Grrr.

I'm Lucky: I'm Not at High Risk for Addiction

2011-07-02T23:50:00.000-05:00

I think it's a good thing that I don't have what's referred to as an "addictive personality". I have access to a wide variety of controlled substances and medications with high risk of abuse or dependence. And, the part that spooks me a bit, I really like the way some of them make me feel. But I've never had to struggle to not abuse them. I think longingly of their effects but not even strong enough to be considered a craving and they are relatively easy to resist.

Example:

"Man, that [insert drug name] makes everything in my head slow down and takes the edge off the pain in my soul. I want some."

"Yeah, that would feel good. But that isn't the way to make those kinds of pains go away. It doesn't last long and makes doing other things extremely difficult. Besides, addiction is ugly and this is a great way to start down that road. Do you really want to get hooked on something that would end up controlling you to the point that it would become more important than your kids, that would lead to being willing to lie and steal and put people and our family's lifestyle in jeopardy?"

"Bleh. Killjoy."

"I know. Get over it."

And that's all there is to it. There's no back and forth, push and pull, internal fight about whether to indulge or abstain, no fierce battle of wills inside my own self. I don't have to wrestle with demons to avoid falling into that horrible trap. I don't even worry that I could get to that point.

I am SO lucky. And I know it and am grateful for it every time I consider making that kind of bad choice and don't do it. It isn't that easy for others. It's a battle every waking second for some people. In the same way that it's a battle every waking second for me to stay alive and not jump ship, for some people, the mere presence of high risk substances is playing Russian Roulette. I am infinitely thankful that I don't have that problem. I wish I could isolate, bottle, mass-produce and distribute whatever it is that lets me be this way. Maybe I could trade it for desire-to-live, self-discipline, and anti-laziness potions.

This Should Be Fun

2011-07-01T23:54:00.000-05:00

Our traditional 4th of July party is on schedule for Monday. That means the traditional pre-party cleaning hell is also on schedule. The house is so horribly trashed that we have planned cleaning for all day tomorrow and and all day Sunday. Kid-4 has already thrown one tantrum about this at which point Kid-1 screamed at him. (All this was before the fist fight between Kid-3 and the neighbor boy whose temper is every bit as bad as Kid-1.)

Tomorrow is gonna be fun. (SHOOT ME NOW!)

6 minutes (ultra brief)

2011-07-01T00:41:00.000-05:00

The 6-minute method:

This is the super-short version. I hope to elaborate more later but want to get this out before I forget (again). The 6 minute method is intended to overcome motivational inertia or delay/minimize acting on counterproductive desires.

To do what you don't want to do, tell yourself you only have to do the activity for 6 minutes. Don't set a timer. Hopefully by the time 6 minutes is over, you won't be watching the clock and will be involved in the activity. But if you do see the time is up, tell yourself you did it for 6 minutes, you can do it for another 6 minutes. Do that for as many sets of 6 minutes as you can. When you do finally stop, remember you succeeded because ANY set of 6 minutes is more than not doing it for any minutes at all.

To NOT do what you want to do, tell yourself to wait 6 minutes before doing it. Don't set a timer. Hopefully by the time 6 minutes is over, you will have found a better alternative to what you want. If you still really want it and still really shouldn't, tell yourself you waited 6 minutes, you can wait another 6 minutes. Do that for as many sets of 6 minutes as you can. In the meantime, try to set into place something that will distract you from your desire, replace it with something more suitable, or become self-limiting so that something external stops you from being able to go after the counterproductive urge. Frequently, cravings pass or the situation in which they are available end. Try to last. If you cave in, remind yourself that you held out for longer than you wanted to.

6 minutes...

fold laundry for only 6 minutes
wait for 6 minutes before getting that bowl of ice cream

PS - it's 6 minutes for a reason... 5 minutes is a short amount of time. it's manageable, palatable, doesn't sound like a life sentence or an eternity. But it's easy to clock-watch 5 minutes. It's easy to see it on the clock and it's even easy to estimate 5 minutes in your head because we do it so often. But 6 minutes is just enough longer than that to make it not intuitively guessed without being sufficiently longer to feel infinitely longer.

Crash and Burn

2011-07-01T00:00:00.000-05:00

For the record, I am not crashing and burning. I am just fine. Peachy, in fact.

Do you believe me? Neither do I. Neither do any of the people around me.

That's why I'm back here. I can't talk to them. I can't make a bad situation worse. They are so stressed already and a big part of that is because of me. They worry about me spiraling or they are having to cover for me or they are having to smooth over things that I have stirred up or they are just plain frustrated by me and and sick of my crap. I want to get it out, to vent and rant and whine and despair, but in a place and a way that I won't hurt anyone.

Is that even possible? To be miserable and to express that unhappiness - without hurting anyone?

When my family hurts, I hurt. Even when it has nothing to do with me, I hurt. I hurt especially when there is nothing I can do to fix their hurts. So perhaps my very existence hurts not just me but them... again.

*sigh*

Cycles

2011-06-29T16:14:00.000-05:00

I guess everything goes in cycles. Seems strange that I haven't posted here in well over a year. I haven't posted anywhere, though. I just stopped blogging. Partly because I was doing so horribly at the time I stopped blogging and then moved from that horrible black place to doing pretty darned good, maybe the best I've been in a decade. Partly because I felt like my posts are a burden on anyone who felt obligated to read them. The whole point to blogging on an open blog rather than a private journal or blog that is locked down so no one can read it is that it lets me vent in a way that I can push the feelings and problems and whining and complaining out there, away from me. It's the catharsis concept, the way that finally telling a painful secret is supposed to make you feel better, that confession is good for the soul. If it stays totally private, it isn't truly released. It's given words and expression, which is helpful, but it isn't actually released. Yet at the same time, I had wonderfully supportive readers - something I am not accustomed to. (That felt so positive and uplifting and AMAZING!!) But when I found myself ranting about the same things and being negative and whining all of the time, I didn't think that was fair to those wonderfully positive readers - making them feel the need to comfort me when I don't deserve it and making them read all of my crap out of obligation.

It's been over a year now. Hopefully I won't be a burden on them anymore. I feel so low again - I have thought several times in the past month that I want to try to write through some of the thoughts and feelings that are swirling around in my head. Now, I think I am going to try doing that. It's time to find my voices again. I can hear them in my head, maybe they are ready to come out and talk again...

Rebutting Catastrophizing

2010-05-07T14:09:00.000-05:00

At the recommendation of my Med-Shrink, I am reading the book "The Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Sourcebook". I am reading a part right now about rebutting various cognitive distortions. One of them is catastrophizing, which basically seems to be blowing something so out of proportion that it seems like the end of the world, unconquerable, unendurable. I find myself doing this a lot. I will start to worry about something and before I know it, it has me all riled up and seriously freaked out.

There is a technique that I've learned that really helps me. It calms me down and lets me start thinking rationally again. I look at the situation that has me freaking out and ask myself what is the worst thing that could happen. Once I've acknowledged the worst thing, I ask myself what I would do then. Once I make a plan for handling the worst case, I don't obsess with worry over it anymore.

For example, the papers I just did for school. I was so worried about not getting them done on time that I paralyzed myself and couldn't write them. So I asked myself what would be the worst thing that could happen. The answer: I wouldn't get the papers done in time and would get an F in course. That would be truly horrible. BUT... if I got an F in the course, I can always retake it and it would disappear out of my GPA. Now the worst case isn't a scary, shadowy, mystery any more and I can focus. (BTW, I got the papers written. I actually got As on them and therefore in the class but because I was prepared to cope with any grade I received, the fear didn't paralyze me any more.)

This really works for me. It gets me unstuck out of the paralyzing fear of failure. But it bothers people if I try to involve them. They say that I'm being pessimistic. Or they just tell me that I won't fail and how much faith they have in me. It doesn't matter if I tell them that I just need to know it will be okay if I do fail; all they tell me is that I won't fail. I've never been able to get them to see that planning for the worst helps me stop freaking out about whether or not it will come to pass.

So when I read this part in the book about rebutting catastrophizing, I was shocked (in a good way). On page 166, it says,

"There are many rebuttals to this pervasive distortion:" [snip]

Think, "OK, let's assume the worst really is happening or will happen. What will I do then?" There is something calming about fully facing the worst, accepting that it could happen or is happening, and then determine what you would do to improve upon the worst. Turn a "What if..." to an "If... then..." (If such and such happens, then I'll do such and such to make the best of the situation and salvage what I can.) [snip]

It goes on to talk about asking what if the worst doesn't happen. I change that just slightly to read more like, "So if the worst happens, I can handle it. That means I don't have to be afraid now. So what can I do to make sure the worst DOESN'T happen?

The moral of the story is, the coping device that I use frequently but that people don't think is a good one turns out to be a good idea after all. Maybe if I show this part of the book to the people who want to tell me nothing except that the worst WON'T happen, they will understand what I am trying to do and how they can help me with it...

My Name Should Be Alice

2010-05-01T00:24:00.000-05:00

(If I had a world of my own everything will be nonsense)
(Nothing will be what it is because everything will be what it isn't)

I invite you to a world where there is no such thing as time
And every creature lends themself to change your state of mind
And the girl that chased the rabbit drank the wine and took the pill
Has locked herself in limbo to see how it truly feels
To stand outside your virtue
No one can ever hurt you
Or so they say

Her name is Alice (Alice)
She crawls into the window
Through shapes and shadows
Alice (Alice)
And even though she is dreaming, she knows

Sometimes the curiosity can kill the soul but leave the pain
And every ounce of innocence is left inside the brain
And through the looking glass we see she's faithfully returned
But now off with her head I fear is everyones concern
You see there's no real ending
It's only the beginning
Come out and play

Her name is Alice (Alice)
She crawls into the window
Through shapes and shadows
Alice (Alice)
And even though she's dreaming
She's unlocked the meaning for you
This kingdom could rid us her freedom and innocence
Has brought this whole thing down

Her name is Alice (Alice)
She crawls into the window
Through shapes and shadows
Alice (Alice)
And even though she is dreaming
She's unlocked the meaning

She's unlocked the meaning for you

(And contrary wise what it is it wouldn't be)
(And what it wouldn't be it would)
(You see?)

Random Thoughts: Numerology

2010-04-19T12:22:00.000-05:00

My sons' Cub Scout Blue and Gold Banquet was yesterday. As part of the event, the Pack attended Saturday evening church service together. Bear in mind that this is the same church I tried so hard to convince myself I could believe its teachings. Ultimately, I failed completely and, at the moment, tend to view organized religion as a manipulative means of social control designed around preying on the natural psychological weaknesses inherent in the human spirit. (But that's a story for another day...)

The passage from the Bible around which the sermon revolved came from John, somewhere around John 21:6 and was about Jesus appearing to the disciples after his resurrection. It seems some of them were out fishing (go figure, given that they were fishermen by trade!) and had been having very bad luck all night. They see this random dude on the shore who tells them they should try their nets on the right side of the boat. John 21:6 is the verse where he tells them to do this. And of course, being the obedient little disciples that they were, they obeyed. POOF! They ended up with such a big haul that it should have ripped out their nets but didn't. In John 21:11, it specifies that they caught 153 fish. (I'm not in the mood to hunt down the exact words so go look it up if you want to know the exact verbiage.)

At this point, the pastor mentioned that he had no idea why the Bible specified 153 fish; it seemed like a pretty random number to him. And with that.... my mind was off his sermon and wandering in lazy circles around numbers and their meanings. Who needs social control when you can contemplate random mysticism instead?!

I started messing with the numbers with numerology in mind. I know very little about numerology so it is about on the same footing as my knowledge of the Bible. All I know is that numbers have specific traits associated with them. If there is more than one digit, you add the individual digits together and see what you get then. If you still have more than one digit, you keep doing it until you have just one number.

Alrighty then, that gave me a jumping off point to look for hidden mystical clues concealed in the "random" numbers of cherished verses. So I started with the number of fish: 153.

153 = 1 + 5 + 3 = 9

Now it's time to look for patterns. The obvious place to start is with the verse where Jesus told them to pitch it over the right side. After all, there's some pretty clear cause and effect there: you do what 21:6 says and you get 153 fish.

21:6 = 2 + 1 + 6 = 9

NO FUCKING WAY!! So that was pretty awesome and I resolved to look up numerology and the number 9 at my earliest convenience. I tried looking at other numbers, too. The verse where they count the fish is John 21:11...

21:11 = 2 + 1 + 1 + 1 = 5 (bust)

21:11 = 21 + 11 = 32 = 3 + 2 = 5 (bust)

(now I started wondering if there is some mathematical principle that would make that work.... 21 + 11 leading to 5 just like 2 + 1 + 1 + 1 does. and 21 + 6 = 27 = 2 + 7 = 9. so maybe there is something to that. But my attention was fickle yesterday and I never pursued it beyond noticing those two sets of numbers worked that way.)

At this point I got "creative" in my quest for a pattern. If John 21:11 yielded 5, maybe 5 has something of significance to it. In John 21:11 they caught 153 fish and that has a five in it. So if you pull the 5 out of it, you end up with 1 + BLANK SPOT + 3 = 4 and I thought perhaps that had a connection. Especially since the verse with the counting is 5 verses after the one with the directions.

My head played around with several possibilities. Alas, the middle of a church service is not the ideal time to go searching for the mystical meanings of numbers so I settled for scribbling down the chapter/verse of both the direction to throw the net and the number of fish it yielded as well as the fish-count itself and the number 9. At this point, 20 hours later and still without sleep since yesterday morning, the details of the passage escape me.

I wonder how many people were on that fishing boat? How many were disciples? The right number of people to count could add a neat element to the combination. I know there is a way to do numerology with names by assigning number values to letters so I wonder what number John comes up with, or what the disciples mentioned end up. Maybe they are related to the 5 and 9 somehow.

I did go ahead and google "numerology 9 meaning" to see what I could see. This, of course, can hardly be assumed to be a reliable source but this whole flight of fancy really isn't worth devoting too much time (especially since I have papers to finish that are PAST DUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

http://www.spiritual-numerology.com/numerology-number-meaning/numerology-meaning-of-number-9.html:

You most likely have some of the following strengths and talents at your disposal if the number 9 appears in your numerology chart:

You are socially conscious, concerned about the betterment of the world, idealistic, visionary, tolerant, imaginative and creative, compassionate, romantic, selfless and generous. are also giving, sharing, loving, caring, noble and aristocratic.

You don't mind sacrificing time, money and energy for a better world. You usually finish what you start and you are ready to sacrifice without the need for reward.

Here are some of the career choices that might suit you particularly well if the number 9 is predominant in your chart:

Designer, photographer, politician, lawyer, teacher, healer, statesperson, writer, philosopher, artist.

Some of the following weaknesses, which are associated with the number 9, could slow down or even prevent your progress. But don't worry, it's very unlikely that all of the listed characteristics are part of your personality.

Most probably, only one or a few of them will belong to you:

You can be aloof, withdrawn, distracted, possessive, moody, timid and uncertain. You are often unsatisfied with achieved results and you might get disappointed with life's realities. You also tend to be careless with your finances.

Here is the info from the same site for the number 5:

Number 5 is the most flexible of all numbers.

You most likely have some of the following strengths and talents at your disposal if the number 5 appears in your numerology chart:

You make friends easily, you are versatile and multi-talented, upbeat and inspirational and a good communicator and motivator. You have great verbal skills and you are very dynamic, persuasive, adaptable, versatile and curious, courageous, bright and quick-witted.

You are an explorer and adventurer who wants to experience all of life, you also like to perform in front of audiences and you like to do several things at the same time.

Here are some of the career choices that might suit you particularly well if the number 5 is predominant in your chart:

Salesperson, promoter, entertainer, scientist, travel agent.

Some of the following weaknesses, which are associated with the number 5, could slow down or even prevent your progress. But don't worry, it's very unlikely that all of the listed characteristics are part of your personality.

Most probably, only one or a few of them will belong to you:

It is difficult for you to commit to one relationship and you have difficulties to finish projects. You lack discipline and order, you are impatient, restless, easily distracted and you can be very impulsive.

You might also be susceptible to overindulgence in sensual pleasures. Discipline and focus are the keys to your success.

That site has info on name numerology and date numerology and stuff but I have neither the time, nor the energy, nor the inclination to dig into it at this very moment. I am going to go work on my papers. I got an extension on the deadline but these things won't write themselves, as much as I wish they would!

Still Kicking

2010-04-10T23:02:00.004-05:00

I looked at a friend's blog this evening and saw how long it had been since she last posted. I'm a bit worried about her as she has her own share of struggles to deal with and has been known to get suicidal. I hope she is okay. The last post from her was from mid-March.

Then I realized that my last post was January 4th. And I have been known to get suicidal as well. I don't have a big pool of readers - that has never been the goal of my blogging - but there are a few who are still checking in here, according to my hit logs. A few of them, like my Guardian Angel, are in plentiful contact with me and know that I am still here, breathing in and out every single day.

So here is the official word: I am alive and kicking. Things have gone up and things have gone down and things have averaged out and pretty much run their normal course. My optimism from January has long dissolved but things have certainly been worse too.

I am about 2/3 of the way through spring semester and my grades are holding. I was very discouraged for a while, thought I wouldn't be able to pull A's this term. I had neglected to take in account that I am taking harder classes than in the fall so it hasn't been quite as easy. But they are holding.

A very good friend of mine attempted suicide. He lived. Everything got very dramatic for a while with everything thrown out of proportion. They also got very uncomfortable with some rather ugly realizations coming to light. Maybe we knew they were there all along and just tried not to see them. It's amazing how even when things were at their cruelest with him, there was never that devastating betrayal like with Her.

Things disintegrate with Kid-1 daily. But I think a lot of it is me. I'm finding myself getting more and more angry with him. But I rediscovered the power of the ultimate numb. It will get me through this. If anything can get me through this, the numbness will.

At any rate, I just wanted to tell the world that I am alive. And don't worry if you don't hear from me. Just busy and all that...

New Year Changes

2010-01-04T23:51:00.002-06:00

It's a new year and things are looking up. Classes start soon and I am both excited and terrified. The holidays are passed and with it went a lot of the stress. A few more weeks to push through and I will be past this time of year which, although not as hard as springtime, is still a struggle.

A new year is a time to reassess where I've been, where I'm at, and where I'm going. I can look at what is working and what isn't and try to find a way to use what is working to fix what isn't. I'm not big on resolutions per se as they are a setup for failure most of the time. But there are some things that I plan on trying to address this year, effective immediately but adjusted for learning curve and reality.

1. I'll procrastinate later. I procrastinate because of "one more thing" syndrome, out of a panic born from perfectionism, and from intense amotivation. (aka: I'm a lazy slob.) Be aware of these things happening and work on fixing them as they do.

2. Onwards and upwards. It's time to stop replaying the implosion over and over in my head and in my writing. It's time to stop drowning in guilt, being reminded of reality, getting angry then sad then triumphant then confused then(...) only to rinse and repeat. It hurt. It sucked. It probably always will. But I am moving on and I have made such huge progress in the last six months that people are commenting on it; proof that it really is for the best. It's time to stop reading, stop obsessing, stop the vicious cycle. I already took the first step by refusing to censor my posts. I no longer have a need for hypervigilence when out around town since she is finally getting her wish to move away from here, although it is hard to get rid of the feeling that there is need. The head knows; the heart hasn't caught up yet. I haven't been able to pull myself away from reading her posts. (Thus the current moniker.)

God or Fate has lent a hand, though. Trainwreck locked her blog after deciding she wanted a fresh blogging start to go with her fresh new life. Strange how I felt relieved as soon as I saw it had happened, although it was obviously coming. I knew I shouldn't care what was happening and how they were doing, but I did and I wouldn't/couldn't stop reading and caring. Now, I can't read it. And the final tether has been released so that I can let this go and move onward and upward. I wonder if she will stop visiting here, too. To be honest, there are three regular readers that I can't identify and haven't really tried as I would hate to invade their privacy. Anyone that I don't interact with in my daily, offline world is welcome to read my blog so I don't want to chase them away. But it will be interesting to see which of them stop visiting now that she has made her "fresh start".

3. Cash or trash. We are working on controlling our money better including keeping better track of what is where and when, reducing fly-by, fast-food meals and only buying items that are on the list. These are lifelong habits that won't change overnight so we are working on awareness and baby steps and leading up to substantial changes rather than vowing to "fix" them all and giving up by the end of this week.

4. Sleep is good. I gotta start respecting my sleep schedule better. (I say this at 1:18 in the morning. Bleh. I suck.)

5. No more Mr. Nice Guy. The crackdown on behaviors that started last spring has not only continued but intensified. We have stuck with the plan and been consistent with it and it shows. Not completely, laundry is the bane of my existence and I am still horrible at housework and organization and tidiness and Mommyness. But we continue to make minor tweaks, the latest being a severe crackdown on "exceptions". So far so good.

6. Of course, health and weight and nutrition and all of that are still goals. The weight loss has started again, slowly. I just had to buy new jeans and moved down to misses from Women's. In a size 14 and dropping. I'm still huge but that's an improvement...

I'm Cured!

2009-12-30T15:02:00.002-06:00

Had good news from therapy this morning: I am doing so well and have made so much progress that we have gone to every other week appointments, starting immediately!

Truly, my progress is dramatic. It would be hard to recognize me as the same girl I used to be. Perhaps it would be like looking at identical twins separated at birth; same DNA but not the same person at all.

I started seeing The Shrink at the end of January four years ago following a hospitalization. At the time, I was basically non-functional. I remember my first appointment with him. I was terrified. I didn't want to look at him, let alone talk to him. The only reason I kept going back to anyone was to keep my family happy. The only reason I kept going back to him was because he is gorgeous and has a very soothing voice. At that time I was actively suicidal and completely lost inside my own head. The only thing keeping me alive was guilt over the pain my suicide would have caused.

I've come a long way since then. I am not actively suicidal anymore, meaning that trying to find a way to make it happen without destroying my family no longer consumes me. I just finished my first term back in school with straight A's, missing less than 25 points (out of about 1,600) in all assignments, tests and papers from all four classes. I made it through last spring without being hospitalized and will make it through Christmas/New Year's also. I no longer take the blame for every problem in existence, whether it had anything to do with me or not. I am even able to acknowledge that I have good traits. (I truly love and care about my family and I am intelligent enough to succeed in college.) Recently I have even learned to occasionally stand my ground when I am right. (Granted, that rarely happens, but when it does, I will sometimes stand my ground to defend it. Once, I even stood my ground to defend myself!)

The difference is night and day. The Shrink sees that. He says that I don't need him like I used to and that I am doing great. Pretty soon, even every other week will be unnecessary and it will become once a month and then as needed. YAY ME! I'm graduating...

PostSecret

2009-12-27T19:16:00.003-06:00

This isn't my secret. But it could be...

(albeit a little less dramatically. It was actually 2 Januarys ago that I was actively suicidal. Last January, I was just psychotic and incapacitated. Plus, I'm not ready to apply to grad school yet, although I have publicly stated my intentions to do so when the time comes.)

Blah Humbug

2009-12-20T14:45:00.002-06:00

I'm not in a Scrooge mood. I just feel intensely apathetic. I keep trying to find my Christmas spirit but so far no luck. I had really hoped that after the school stress was over, I would perk right up. School stress has passed - triumphantly, even, since I did so well. And so many things are happening that I am thankful for! But no Christmas spirit yet.

Christmas wide, we haven't had any major disasters and it looks like we have succeeded in our annual goal to get each kid the one thing on their list (within reason) that they want the most. The tree is up and decorated, Hubby made and put up the Merry Christmas sign that he's been wanting to do for years, most of the shopping is done, plans are made...

Bottom line: there's no reason for me to feel this way. I've tried the "fake it til you make it" approach, the "sit with it so that it can pass" approach, the "list all the reasons why it's wonderful" approach, and tried to do the "watch Christmas movies til you want to puke" approach (although I haven't been able to watch any of the three that I really wanted to see). So what the heck is my problem???

Little things tug at my heartstrings this year while very few things warm my soul. While Christmas shopping, I see toys that would be perfect for Trainwreck's daughter and I hurt. For every bit that I am glad to be rid of her mother, I miss her. I keep making references to things we did "last year" only to be set straight that they were from two years ago - a painful reminder of how much I missed last year. I can't find copies of "It's a Wonderful Life" or a decent version of "A Christmas Carol" to watch. Things like those that are minor and shouldn't have a significant impact.

Meanwhile, the good things either don't lift me as much as would be expected or the feeling doesn't last. I did unimaginably better on my grades than I had even hoped, let alone expected. I proved to myself that I do belong there and can succeed there, and satisfied that flame of competitiveness that I try so hard to ignore. My kids are growing up: Kid-1 went on his first date Friday (it went fabulous!) and Kid-2 will be babysitting for New Year's this year. Our tree looks beautiful and our family picture that we take turned out well. My Oldest Friend and his son decorated the tree with us and I was reminded yet again of how healthy friendships work. Hubby and I had an entire day together to go shopping and things and we had fun. As crazy busy as schedules get, it's hard to find time to do things together so this was very welcomed.

Truly, things are going well! They are better than they have been in years, although I am still struggling with some of the typical demons that rear their head this time of year. With so much to be thankful for (and I am thankful for it in my heart, not just my head)... why can't I find it in me to be merry?

It's not just my missing Christmas spirit. It's everything. I can't seem to consciously control my emotions not matter how many techniques I try so I find myself sad, or disappointed, or ashamed, or frustrated even when I know the emotions are not appropriate for the situation. I correct the negative thoughts and redirect my attention to positive aspects. I use the action/opposite-action method. All the things like those that I have learned over the years. And I still feel like a child's sailboat tossed about in a hurricane.

Oh well. That's enough of this pity-party. The good news is that this year I am mostly apathetic about Christmas instead of suicidally depressed or clueless/psychotic. And I am perfectly capable of sucking it up and smiling at all the right times. This year will pass soon enough and it may not be memorably wonderful but at least it won't be remembered in infamy...

Up and Coming Type of Therapy?

2009-12-20T11:04:00.003-06:00

Our last day of psychology class, the prof told us he wanted us to watch a short clip about a style of therapy that may be up and coming. Then he showed us this:

I think this has potential! After all, this is an extremely common reaction by friends and family to psychological problems. I think, in fact, that this might be the origins of CBT......

I DID IT!

2009-12-15T16:02:00.002-06:00

Wow! I got my essays and term paper back for ethics this morning. I was very nervous because they were 50% of my grade (all totalled) and I didn't think the term paper and one of the essays went well at all. I GOT FULL POINTS! Not only did I get the maximum points, the professor wrote, "Great Job!!" at the top of my term paper. That landed me a solid 99.3% in that class. Since my sociology test this afternoon went exactly as anticipated, that means I landed all four classes with very solid A's.

I'm so excited that I want to explode. I mean, straight A's is my goal and if I had gotten less than that I would have been seriously pissed at myself. But I guess I didn't think I could actually pull it off. Especially given how horribly critical thinking started off and how difficult my final papers in ethics turned out to be. But I DID IT!

At the same time that I am so proud of myself, I keep wondering why this happened. Why did I get such high scores on all of my assignments in all of my classes when people I know at my college (and even in my classes) got B's or barely scraped by with their A's? I can't figure out what the difference is.

Did I have more time to devote to my studies? I don't know. I have four kids with crazy busy schedules. We had numerous outbreaks of various types of viruses. We also recently got health insurance for the kids so we had physicals scheduled, a million dentist appointments, a couple of specialists, and weekly therapy with Kid-1. I am doing hospice volunteering and trying to spend time with my mom. I even did NaNoWriMo this year with 6 - 10 teenaged girls - every single school day in November except two. (One I had the flu so bad I couldn't see straight and one I had a doctor's appointment to go to.) So... more time? Not than most of the people I know from school.

Do I want it more? A couple of the kids I am thinking of are just that: kids. I'm no where near a kid any more and I've been waiting and struggling for 15 years to get back here. I've been planning every minute detail of this for so long it's scary. So I take it seriously. I pay attention in class - I go to class. I take the notes and study them before the tests. I do the research I need to do. And I refused to give up. So do I just want it more than some of the people that got B's and don't mind?

Part of me wants to think a little of it has to do with intelligence. Did I triumph like that because I'm smarter than others? Of course, the rest of me begins to giggle hysterically at that thought. Yes, I learned the material easily. But it's all introductory level classes. I learned the critical thinking material on my own and then taught it to some of my other classmates but that's because I've always been trained to think logically and critically. My papers got high grades because I love to write and so I've done a lot of it. The fact that I only missed a total of 9 questions out of all of my assignments, tests, and papers in all of my classes is just a reflection of the work I put into it. It's not like these were difficult classes.

I suppose in the end it doesn't really matter why I did so well. And I have no business comparing my performance to anyone else's. I guess I just feel so weird because I almost never come out ahead when I compare my performance to anyone else's. Regardless of why, it looks like I did something right this semester. I hope I can continue it forward into next term and beyond but for right now I will simply bask in the glory...

Things to Be Thankful For

2009-12-14T23:15:00.002-06:00

Sometimes the things to be most thankful for are the ones we have to work the hardest to get. Sometimes those things hurt to get to them and other times they are like a breath of fresh air...

* 3 known A's (will find out about the last one tomorrow)

* learning so much at school! (academic and otherwise)

* school is facilitating tremendous healing for me (confidence, pride, and hope, among other things)

* friends at school with similar interests and no melodrama

* impending removal of an emotional canker sore

* return of a true friend, reconnected with an old friend (reminded me of how things are supposed to be)

Surprise of the Day

2009-12-01T00:27:00.003-06:00

I am working on the checklist for rating a "good mom". I am laying it out in Excel mostly because I like playing with its calculation abilities. I am breaking it down into very small, very concrete segments (trait, detail, kid) and averaging from the finite to the general using cold, hard numbers. Even on the subjective, which is all I have started so far, the numbers are coming out better overall than I expected them to. Of course, the first things I listed are the things I am comfortable with and good at so I know it will get more realistic soon. Still... I have a 92% adequacy rating on the major categories - WAY higher than it should be. Nonetheless, it feels good-ish. I hope to post more as I decide on the numbers.

+----- UPDATE 12/1/2009-----+

Final Tally (Pre-Therapy):
* Overall Subjective Average = 71%
* Overall Objective Average = 77%

Random Thoughts

2009-11-25T12:06:00.002-06:00

Once again my head is swimming with ideas I want to bounce around but don't have the time to do full blog posts about. Usually, by the time I have the time I am willing to spend on blogging, most of the ideas have dwindled into hazy memories, if they are still present at all. So here's a quick list, to remind myself later, what I was mulling over today:

Thanksgiving: How to be grateful with a pessimistic outlook.

Theory vs Application: I understand so much of what I am learning in my life. In academics, I have started to see everyday examples of the concepts we are studying. A few still escape me, like trying to tell when a fallacy, although wrong in structure, may still be true in content. Mostly, though, the things I learn in therapy and life seem to escape me when it comes time to put them into practice. I am perfectly capable of identifying the good side to almost anything... but it is an intellectual recognition and more often than not, there is no corresponding boost in optimism. Or I understand the concept of being more willing to accept my strengths but when I try to incorporate the thoughts, my head explodes with negativity. I get it... I just can't use it.

Things I Do Right: The Shrink had me make a list of 20 things I do right. It was a nightmare and I still only got 12 honest ones and another 6 with strong conditions attached. That's close...

Checklist for Qualities and Actions that Make a "Good Mom": this is the homework for this week. We made a list of qualities that a good mom necessarily possesses. Now I need to go through and give each one two ratings, scale 0 - 100. One rating is an objective rating of how well I achieve the item, striving to be based on evidence and NOT on feeling. The other rating is the opposite. It is how well I feel that I achieve the item, my own subjective perception of it. Next week we'll tackle the evidence versus the perception.

Ditch the Religion: I am on a bit of an anti-religion kick at the moment. This is not to be confused with atheism or even agnosticism. I still consider myself very spiritual. But I simply cannot back organized religion at this time. I tried, believe me I tried! I think it would be so much easier to have that kind of blind faith in the teachings of a particular doctrine, faith so unshakable that it supports my spirit when I would despair, faith so unquestioning that, even when life contradicts everything that seems good and holy, I could still cling to it and stay afloat. And I tried... I did the whole church every Sunday thing. We took most of the new member class and learned about the religion. But I just can't swallow it.

The meaning of Christmas: Given the anti-religious sentiments I have at the moment, where does Christmas fit into my life? I'm not buying into the whole "birth of the Savior" concept because I don't buy into most of the foundation for it. But in my mind, Christmas transcends Christianity. It is about humanity. I need to find my Christmas spirit soon. To do that, I will need to reassess what Christmas actually means to me.

What is a Racist? I started a post on this. Is it first thoughts? Consciously corrected thoughts? Spoken beliefs? Actual behavior? If you are racist but don't want to be, does that mean you actually aren't? Or does it mean that you will forever be racist?

R-E-S-P-E-C-T: What is respect? Why do we give it? Why do we withdraw it? Why do we lose it? What makes someone worthy of respect? Why do we respect or withdraw respect for the wrong reasons? Must respect be mutual to be valid?

Life Lessons of Late: I've learned some pretty huge things here recently. I learned the difference between rescuing and helping. I've learned the value of trust. I've learned that sometimes the opinions that others express can be right even when we don't want to believe them. I've learned to stand my ground, at least a little bit. I've learned that placing any expectations at all on someone sets me up to be let down and/or betrayed, no matter how appropriate those expectations are. I've learned that I can do something right - even on my own merits. I've learned that being "good at" does not require being "perfect at". I've learned that unconditional love doesn't go away, even after a betrayal, even if you want it to. I've learned that loving a person does not require wanting to associate with them. I've learned that a horrible experience with one person does not mean another person will be horrible too, even in similar circumstances. I've learned that kids are tough, tougher than I am sometimes.

Happy Holidays! Some people get irritated when people say happy holidays instead of merry christmas. But what if you say it that way not to be politically correct but because you hope that all of their holidays are happy? Merry Christmas is rather limiting in that respect. I think I am going to try "May all your holidays be happy!" instead of MC or HH...

(PS - pardon the lack of proof-reading. I am WAY out of time!!)

Forgetting to Breathe

2009-11-18T09:29:00.002-06:00

Sounds like the title of a poem or song or short story or even a novel, doesn't it? Very emo, I think. But I don't mean it that way actually, although I may take that title and do something with it some day. But this post isn't anything creative or emotional, it's just another bitch fest. I can whine here because no one is being forced to listen to it. So, for anyone reading, consider yourself warned. You may want to get some cheese to go with this whine...

I am sick - again. I have either a nasty cold or the start of the flu. My throat feels like ground up meat and my voice is gone, ranging from soft and hoarse to almost no sound coming out. I feel like there is a weight on my chest - not an elephant at least, more like a heavy cat stretched out for a nap. I have a very small cough that tastes beyond nasty and hurts.

But it's the upper respiratory stuff that gets weird... My head is stuffy and pressure sensitive. Nothing unusual there. But my nose alternates between being clogged with concrete and open, albeit runny and slightly sore. When it's clogged, I keep forgetting to breathe. I know that sounds weird but what else would you expect from me? Once again I think a medical degree would be handy. Failing that, here is my best guess at what is happening.

I am almost exclusively a nose breather. So when my nose gets completely clogged, I end up accidentally holding my breath. Then my lungs start to yell at me, "HEY! REMEMBER US? BREATHE DAMMIT!" and I inhale deeply and remind myself to breathe for a while, until I forget and repeat the whole process.

In all, it really isn't all that serious. I suspect it is just a cold since I don't have a fever at all. And the rest of the symptoms, while certainly not fun, aren't nearly as bad as they could be. I did skip class today because I am 100% ready for the test Monday and all we are doing is continued review for it. The high probability of passing around my cold plus the pain of trying to talk with no voice just wasn't worth putting in an appearance just to say I was there.

At any rate, I hope this goes away soon. I'm struggling with mental and emotional fatigue enough as it is without adding physical fatigue and illness to the mix!

When the Comment are More Fun Than the Post

2009-11-07T11:33:00.002-06:00

So I am an example of how Americans will believe anything and a veritable case study in effective marketing. I was watching TV in a mindless fashion. (The kind where it's playing a lame kids' show and I'm not actually watching it but was too lazy/disinterested to change the channel or turn it off.) This commercial comes on for a game called "MindFlex" that claims you control the levitation of a foam ball by modifying your level of concentration. It claims to use a type of EEG reading technology then translate it into a degree of intensity which it transmits from the wireless headset to game base and changing how hard the air from the fan blows, thus changing how high or low the ball goes.

It sounded totally AWESOME but highly suspicious. True to form, I hit the internet to try to find "the truth" - a laughable aim given the realm. First I hit the site for the game itself: http://mindflexgames.com/. There is some great hype there but the FAQ say basically nothing useful. Next I hit Amazon to see the price and any user reviews. At Amazon, there was a wide range of user perspectives. Most were very favorable but one of them said they hooked it up to their fingers and it still behaved the same way.

That was a red flag for me so I kept digging. That led me to an article at gizmodo. The article itself is relatively useless with no new light shed on the toy. But the comments!! The comments had me literally LOL, to the point that the kids wanted to know what was so funny.

I highly recommend the article for geeks who want a laugh...

Witnessing the Good Too

2009-10-20T15:18:00.003-05:00

I usually use my blog to work through issues that are bothering me. As a result, most of my posts are whining and boring and complaining and just overall negative. Sometimes when something good happens and it's big, I'll put it in here but all of the small good things rarely, if ever, make into posted form. From reading this, you can clearly see that I am a pessimist by habit.

Would you have believed that I am the person who can find a positive in any situation? That I am the girl who will point out and focus on that glimmer of silver lining, regardless of how small it seems compared the the darkness around it? That I am the girl who taught my kids how to find the good things? In my relations with others, with very few exceptions, I always include "the good news is" along with any downside. Can you picture that?

Seems hideously out of character for me. But I do. The reason it seems so baldly contrary to what I put on here isn't that I don't point out positives here, because I do sometimes. The difference is that here I don't pretend to believe that those good things balance out for the bad ones. I don't hide my pessimism here like I have to when speaking to people. Pessimism is the worst social offense there is apparently; I learned that long ago and so closely censor my words to reflect a more positive attitude. I hope some day to find a way to get my feelings to match my words but so far have been unsuccessful.

So that's the first part of this. Although I am pessimistic and whiny and doom-and-gloom on here, in conversations with others, I always try to point out a silver lining. The second part of this post will look at the good I am feeling right now.

I was walking across campus today on my way to my 9am class. That's right, 9 am. And yes, I still hate mornings. This morning the sun was shining, the trees are turning, the weather is crisp but not yet frigid and I was prepared for class. I wasn't whistling, but pretty damned close. If I were the whistling kind, I think I would have been.

I consciously inhaled deeply and let it out with a smile on my face. Not the smile that I use in my attempt to appear the way I think people want me to appear, not a self-conscious, embarrassed, smiling because I wish I was under a rock and don't know what else to do kind of smile, not a bemused I can't believe I am in this situation kind of smile. It was a real smile. I smiled because I felt happy. No one was looking at me, expecting me to smile; I smiled because I was happy. (Hey! Stop laughing! I do too smile!)

And I realized, in that moment, that I feel happy overall. There are things in my life that still suck. I have way more bills to pay than I have money to pay them. My house is still a disaster zone. I still struggle with the kids. My body is still hurting in way too many places. Etc etc etc. But the bright side, for the first time in so long, is stronger than the doom and gloom. I can't remember the last time the balance tipped this way, not since my junior year of high school. (That's been a while! LOL)

Walking across campus this morning created one of my infamous "Golden Memories" and anyone who knows me and has heard the stories of my Golden Memories also knows that they are extremely rare. But what was different about this is that it wasn't triggered by the situation I was in. It was a Christmas morning out of a fairy tale story or a surreal walk through Lothlorien or anything like that. It was because I knew that for the first time in a VERY long time, I feel more happy than depressed.

Here are some reasons that I am feeling good:

- I am in school and doing very well
- I have friendships with peers rather than having to be someone's mother or the poop on the bottom of their shoe
- my meds are a good mix right now: I can sleep when I need to sleep and wake up when I need to wake up
- the tension between Hubby and I that I didn't realize was there has eased off
- I'm learning how to have my own opinions instead of adopting the opinion of whomever I am with
- I'm opening up to the possibility that I do have something good about me that isn't a direct consequence or reflection of someone else making me look good. I'm doing it on my own.
- things are going SOOO much better with Kid-1. It's more than a lack of conflicts. Situations that had been sending him off the deep end have made him mad (and mouthy at times) but NO tantrums. YAY!
- I reconnected with an old friend. I'd thought about getting in touch with so many times in the past years but was too afraid. Mom's cancer scare pushed me finally do it and I am SO glad I did. I forgot what it was like to have a healthy friendship.

Things aren't perfect. And the things that suck still suck. But things are going in the right direction and are better than they have been in so long that I forgot they actually could be good.

(PS-This isn't proofread cuz I'm running late so excuse the many typos and spelling problems that are likely in it!)

I'm Going to Hell (Happily)

2009-10-16T22:43:00.000-05:00

Dear Anonymous

2009-10-15T22:23:00.002-05:00

Dear Anonymous,

I don't know if you are still reading this. If so, you have my blessing to do so. I added a reply comment to yours if you are interested. If you aren't reading, I wish you all the best in your life and your future.

Sincerely,

Me

So Many Thoughts, So Little Time

2009-10-15T12:45:00.002-05:00

I have had so many topics in my mind lately that I have wanted to try to work through on paper but simply haven't been able to put high enough on the priority list to justify the time they will take to write. At the moment, I have a few minutes in the library where I don't HAVE to be doing anything. This is designated "school time" but I am caught up on everything except a little reading for Ethics class. (I've skimmed it but it would be ideal for me to go through and read it carefully, even if we will be discussing all of the relevant points in class.) I have a few emails I could send also but they are not at all time critical and, to be honest, I need a bit of a brain break. Nonetheless, I don't have the time to get down all of my thoughts on these ideas but want to at least jot down the topics so I can remember that I was thinking about them.

What Makes a Racist? What role do thoughts have in the judgment that someone is a racist? If their first thought involves a racist judgment, does that make the person a racist? Does it matter what conscious thoughts they replace (or reinforce) the first thoughts with? Does it matter if their behavior intentionally excludes any form of racist actions? There is a huge spectrum here between first thoughts through habitual execution of racist thoughts, beliefs, actions and patterns - where does the hammer come down?

My Attempt to Explore Sociological Principles Through Science Fiction: I have a world brewing in my mind that explores sociological perspectives and what would happen under certain conditions. The beauty of sci-fi is the author's ability to order societal conditions along their own thoughts without reproach. What can be judged analytically is the degree that the story logically and accurately carries out the premises presented. I can create any world I want to, without limits, but the behaviors of the characters must still be consistent with the backstory established and any deviation from known variables must have a valid explanation and derivation from established concepts. For example, I can't have humans flying about under their own power without explaining why they can do that when we what we know of humans precludes this act. At any rate, I find myself retreating into the theoretical concepts of this world whenever I get too stressed, overwhelmed, or bored - especially bored. I have jokingly begun thinking of this world as my test drive since so much of it has been conceived while I am driving.

Always the Middle Path: So many concepts here are being presented as black and white issues. It feels like we are being told to accept all of a position or none of it. I honestly didn't realize the extent that The Shrink has "trained" me to look for the middle path until I find myself irritated that people don't want to do it. It just seems to blatantly obvious that there is an exception to every rule except this one. (I love that little paradox, by the way; it's even more fun than This statement is false.

Getting Stronger: Lately I have been told by several people close to me that I seem "better". Most of them mean or say that I am stronger, more confident, less despondent. Most of them seem to attribute this my finally returning to school and to the now-blessed removal of Her from my life. I think they are partially right. The more I think about it, the more I think that the difference in not in either of these events and more in the fact that I am finally starting to learn to apply all of those concepts that The Shrink and my Guardian Angel have been trying to teach me for so long. The environment I was in tended to harshly punish any attempt to apply those theories, sometimes out of prior conceptions of how I "always" behave or how I "should" behave, sometimes because the situations themselves were unhealthy but, because I had no concept of what "healthy" looks like that I couldn't understand what they meant. Here at school I am seeing how the real world functions. At home, my Oldest Friend (in years I have known him, not his age) has almost moved in due to a very similar situation as She was in. (He sleeps and keeps his stuff at my parents' house but spends all of his time at ours by mutual agreement and due to a number of factors. I have been thoroughly shocked at the difference between what I thought was "normal" and the new experiences in these two areas. So finding the middle path has paid off, as has setting appropriate boundaries.

My Oldest Friend: He has moved back home due to a series of unpleasant events in the state where he used to live. Although he technically lives with my parents, in all but sleeping, he lives with us. Part of my wants to say that this distinction is the heart of the vast difference in experience between Her living with us and him living with us. I still want to give her the benefit of the doubt, regardless of what people want to say. But truly, they are light years apart. Partly it is because I have FINALLY learned the difference between "helping" and "rescuing" but by far the biggest factor is his attitude. I had no idea it was "supposed" to work this way but so many people have told me this is true and I am having to reassess my certainty in my ideas of what behavior is "appropriate" and what is not. This is so much healthier and comfortable. I didn't know those two concepts could exist simultaneously!

Grades, Intelligence, Motivation, and Opportunity: It is official. I have overwhelmingly straight As in all four of my classes. I have perfect scores in 3 of them and a 99.3% in the other due solely to missing a class from the flu. That horribly selfish and vain and narcissistic part of my wants to say that part of this is because of my intelligence. After all, despite equal motivation and time spent, I am the only one who got a A on the critical thinking exam. Of course, realism triumphs and I recognize that I am just more motivated and invested in my grades than the other students. Quite simply, I care more about learning and getting the As than the others who do not have these scores. There is also the very strong factor that I have the luxury of being able to focus on school when I am in school and that I have the support of family and friends in being here. Quite obviously, no matter what the little devil in me says, it is not intelligence but effort that matters. If the others cared as much as I do and could apply themselves as much as I can, they would be right here besides me. Regardless of why I am succeeding, I find myself (surprisingly) proud of myself for doing it.

And my time is up... actually it was up 10 minutes ago and now I will be late so I'm off to the "real world" now. I hope to expand on these previews later but we'll see. I have my priorities, after all...

*Note: this is NOT proof read so I apologize for the spelling, grammar and typos that are most certainly scattered through this post!

Keep on Rocking!

2009-10-11T22:20:00.003-05:00

Well, I've had exams in every one of my 4 classes now. The psychology course was almost a given and didn't disappoint: 25/25.

The sociology exam worried me as I hadn't studied but I got 96% and the prof added 4% points to everyone's test for the curve. So when all was said and done, I got 100% on it.

My big Ethics test (the one I spent most of the last week freaking out over) was due Friday night before midnight. I turned in my final copies Thursday night (technically Friday morning) about 3 am. Obviously, I haven't heard about that grade yet. Shockingly, I actually feel confident that I did alright. Each essay had to be "approximately" 2 pages double-spaced; 2 of them ended up just under two and half pages and the third one was exactly 2 pages. I didn't have any doubts about what the answers should be; the hardest part was keeping it short enough. If I don't get full points, it won't be from not knowing the answers; it will be because what I knew turned out to be wrong. I hope he has them ready Thursday. (Monday and Tuesday are Fall Break.)

Then there was the Critical Thinking test. I could write a post long enough to fill a book on that alone. It was far worse than I feared - I had to guess on HALF of it! I never had to guess that much on an exam. And I did study too! So he goes to hand back the exams on Wednesday and says that the scores were far lower than he expected - gee go figure!!!! Apparently there was only ONE A in both classes. The average score for our class was 15/30 and 16/30 for the other section. blush I was that A. I scored 28/30 before the VERY generous curve he ended up using. (He ended up adding 9 points to everyone's test to the maximum of 30 points.) We are still meeting with the department head to find something to do about the prof - he just CANNOT teach adequately!

I have to say... I have been surprised at how easily the academic part of this is going. I was just sure I would be studying non-stop trying to keep up, stressed out of my skull over trying to get decent grades. And I'm just not. I mean, I have to pay attention and I have to study before the tests, but not only can I do this, I am doing this! Based on what I have heard and read about others' experiences, I expected it to be so much more difficult.

Hubby, my friends, my family, even The Shrink keep saying they knew I could do it and that it's going so smoothly because I am so intelligent. I don't know that it's really that. I think it's just that this is important to me, really really important to me. So maybe it isn't that I am any smarter than the people I am comparing myself to; more likely it is just that I am more committed to doing well and won't accept "good enough" unless it is full success. But whatever the reason... it sure feels good!

I ROCK THE WORLD!!

2009-10-06T13:01:00.003-05:00

Okay, I don't rock the entire world... but my world was rocked today. I got back my essay question #2 for Honors Ethics this morning. The prof (whom I absolutely adore!) was willing to preview our responses to let us know what modifications needed to be made before the final due date this Friday night. I got the maximum points with no comments. He told us that means it's perfect as is. YAY ME!

I also got the results back from my sociology exam that I took last week. Bear in mind that I was taking Vicoden at the max dose I could take and still be safe to drive and I had the stomach flu. I thought I missed 3 - 5 questions. Figuring them at 1 point each, I was hoping for a 97%. Except they are worth 2 points each. I got a 96%. Neither of the 2 questions I missed were any of the ones I thought I got wrong. One I missed because I was absent the day she gave the information. (I got notes from a classmate but he took astonishingly few notes and I didn't get that piece of info. Note to self: prisoners cannot take college courses using tax money. Duh me! lol) The other one I missed because of the wording of the answers provided. I spoke to the prof after class and I had the concept correct; I just didn't connect the concept with the key phrase in the correct response.

So I got a 96% on the test. Which is an A. But, just to sweeten my victory, that 96% is before she adds 4% to our score. That's her idea of a curve. Not sure if it was based on my 96% (which just so happened to be the highest grade in the class! TEE HEE!) or if that is her standard addition. Either way, it means I ended up with 100% on the test. HURRAY!!

Needless to say, (I hate that phrase - if it really is needless to say it, why am I saying it?!?!?!) I am feeling very confident about my grades and, by extension, my ability to succeed. It is somewhat lessened by the absolutely HORRIFIC test yesterday in critical thinking but that detraction is softened by the knowledge that I did everything in my power to study for the test and everyone I spoke to did horribly as did everyone they spoke to. (Thus the reason we are putting into motion something to protest the quality of the teaching, but that is another, much longer, story.)

Bottom line: I AM SO PROUD OF MYSELF!!

You Can Do It

2009-10-02T19:51:00.003-05:00

I have a test on Monday in critical thinking. I'm scared that I will bomb it because the professor really needs to find a new calling. (For the record, this isn't just me whining because I am struggling in the class. Everyone I've talked to in the class - without exception - thinks this guy can't teach and is scared about the test.) Failing this test would mean bad news for the class which would mean mean bad news for the GPA. Based on the information I received at the grad school seminar, I CAN'T afford to have a sub-par GPA. So I'm worried about this test.

People keep telling me that I can do it and that I'll do just fine.

I understand why they are telling me this. It's a pep talk and a vote of confidence. It's a compliment and a wish. And it is flattering; don't get me wrong. The problem is, while it feels good to know that people have confidence in my abilities that frequently surpass my own, they refuse to acknowledge that failure actually is a possibility.

I am a pessimist by nature. But I have honed this pessimism into a way of calming my anxiety. I look at the best possible outcome. I tend to hope for the best but not really think it will happen. Then I look at the worst possible outcome and figure out what I would do if that came to pass. If I can find a way to make it through the worst possible outcome, I know that I can handle whatever actually happens because it will be somewhere between the best and the worst and I know how to handle each of those. So when I'm freaking out over the worst possible potential outcome, having someone tell me that it won't come to pass (regardless of how likely it is or isn't) is completely counter-productive. The message I end up hearing is, Success is the only acceptable option. If you fail, I will be displeased. My head knows this isn't what they mean; my anxiety translates it into that anyways.

Here is how this type of conversation generally plays out:

Me: I'm really worried about this test on Monday!
Friend: You'll do fine.
Me: I don't know. The prof is psycho, the material is vague, and I am distracted. I might not do fine.
Friend: Nonsense. You can do it. I know you can!
Me: But what if I can't?
Friend: You can. You just have to think positively.
Me: Yeah, you're right. (But thinking "You just don't get it at all, do you?")

I come out of the conversation not only NOT feeling better, supported, encouraged, and uplifted but actually feeling more nervous because I still see failure as a possibility and now feel that failing would also be letting down the friend with the unshakable confidence in me.

This is how I WISH that type of conversation would go:

Me: I'm really worried about this test on Monday!
Friend: You'll do fine.
Me: I don't know. The prof is psycho, the material is vague, and I am distracted. I might not do fine.
Friend: Okay, so what is the worst thing that could happen?
Me: I could fail the test, thereby lowering my final grade, thereby lowering my GPA, thereby not being able to get into graduate school.
Friend: And what if that happens?
Me: I guess I would retake the class to fix the GPA.
Friend: How likely is it really that you will fail the test?
Me: Well, maybe not fail it but certainly not getting an A is a real possibility.
Friend: Which is far better than failing it!
Me: Well, yeah
Friend: Is there anything you can do to make you more likely to succeed than fail?
Me: Study
Friend: Okay then. Study for the test. Do the best you can. If you fail it, retake the class. But stressing out over it won't help your grade nor will will change what happens if you don't do well. So chill out. Breathe! (lol)
Me: Right. Breathe. Study. Chill. Okay, I can do that.

And now I have a plan of action, I am prepared for the best and worst scenarios, I feel listened to and understood and not judged and I am ready to do the best I can and be okay with it. Life is good again! But that isn't how we've been taught to react to someone expressing a lack of confidence in themselves.

A prime example of this is last year when Hubby went to Atlanta for train school. I was terrified that I wouldn't be able to handle it. I wanted someone to tell me that while they thought I could handle it, even if I couldn't, it wouldn't be the end of the world and we could handle whatever happened when it happened. No one would concede there was a possibility of me crashing and burning. Everyone kept saying that I could do it, that I was strong enough, that it would be fine. They dismissed my worries as being paranoid and pessimistic.

The time came, Hubby went off to train school, and guess what happened! I fell apart. If not for my then best friend and my family and friends, I don't know what would have happened. It got ugly. We eventually recovered but not really until Hubby went on furlough from the trains and went back to his other job.

Only then, after all was back to a relative state of "okay", did people start admitting that they weren't sure I could handle it. A couple of them privately thought there was a very slim chance that I would be okay. But NONE of them would tell me that!!!

And it made it so much worse. Because not only did I have the stress of the situation, I had the pressure to succeed at it. I was convinced that if I fell apart, there would be irreparable damage to my kids and everyone else and that everyone would be mad at me or disappointed in me or disgusted with me because everyone thought I could (and therefore should) be able to handle it. Had people been honest with me, I might have been able to form a backup plan so that when things started to go south, I had options and support to try to fix them rather than feeling isolated and inferior. Would it have kept me from falling over the edge of the precipice into disaster? Maybe not but I do think it wouldn't have been as bad as it ended up.

To be fair and to give credit where credit is due... tonight my Writing-Buddy walked me through almost exactly the example of how I wish a conversation might go. And she did it unprompted. Some of my friends will walk me through the process if I remind them that I need that. But she did it without me having to ask for it (which takes away some of the power because it then feels fake). So THANK YOU to her; I am going to study what I can, do the best I can on the test and if I bomb it I will move forward from there. And I feel better now!

Can I do it? Probably-maybe-I-don't-know. Will the world end if I can't? No. Are there things I can do to make it more likely to succeed? Probably-maybe-I-don't-know. Then do them, try my best, and move on from there....

Many Little Things

2009-09-30T11:06:00.002-05:00

It is one of those times where a host of smallish problems has added up to the feeling of being overwhelmed, powerless, and devoid of hope.

My mouth hurts worse than I ever remember it hurting except when my jaw was broken. Nothing eases it enough for me to concentrate.

Kid-1 is in a vicious cycle of defiance that is exhausting to deal with for all of us.

A stomach flu bug is making its rounds through the house. Kid-3 had it Monday, I had it yesterday, Kid-2 has it today...

I didn't get as much studying done before my sociology exam as I would have liked, mostly due to the above named factors, so I think I missed at least 5 points on the exam (out of 100 possible points).

I am trying to go through the study guide for my critical thinking class and once again frustrated beyond belief at the way the class is playing out. The presentation of the material has been spotty and downright counter-productive at times. There are things on this study guide that we NEVER DISCUSSED and aren't in our books either.

Hubby needs me to do some major revisions for our popcorn sales tracking program for Cub Scouts. I can do them; it will just be time consuming and a little bit frustrating.

Mom has to go in for a PET scan on Friday. They ordered a repeat CT scan to check on the pneumonia spot in her lung that seemed odd when she was first diagnosed. It is still there and it isn't pneumonia. We are all thinking the same thing but no one wants to say it out loud: lung cancer. She has been a prolific smoker since she was a teenager so this isn't a paranoia-induced, unlikely possibility. But I am terrified. I am scared for her, for my dad, for my kids and for myself. I'm not ready to lose my mother! I know I am getting way ahead of myself here so I am trying very hard not to panic. So far, it isn't working.

And, of course, in addition to all of these added stressors, there are all of the normal ones. The worry about money, the kids' grades, extra-curricular activities, church, household maintenance, laundry, dishes, in-laws.... The list goes on and on, as it always has and undoubtedly always will. Right now, today, I don't feel strong enough to handle everything. All of these straws, so insignificant on their own, are adding up to a very heavy weight. And I can't afford to have my back break for all the normal reasons.

Please God, make me a bird, so I can fly far, far away from here...
Please God, make me a bird, so I can fly far, far away from here...
Please God, make me a bird, so I can fly far, far away from here...
Please God, make me a bird, so I can fly far, far away from here...
Please God, make me a bird, so I can fly far, far away from here...

Bleh

2009-09-20T20:05:00.002-05:00

I should be doing my homework.

I really don't want to do it. It will only take a few minutes and it is super easy. The thing is... I have a hard time getting motivated in this class. I keep ending up over prepared. That is so discouraging.

Blech. Alright, gonna go do it.

It's so tough: I have to look up a little bit about parodies of the ontological argument for the existence of God. The ontological argument basically says that God is either necessarily existent (by definition must exist) or impossible (its definition contradicts itself - like a round square). Since God isn't impossible, God must be necessarily existent.

(Note: I am not saying I believe the ontological argument proves the existence of God; I am simply stating the argument as we have been taught in class.)

The parodies of this argument are numerous (and humorous!) with the most popular of these being The Flying Spaghetti Monster. I have a link to this at the bottom of my blog (and have for a long time). For class tomorrow I have to figure out what a parody is and find at least one example. Well, gee Wally, I don't know if I can handle that...

I have to say, school hasn't been what I expected. In most respects it is so much BETTER than I even dreamed. I love the classes. I love the knowledge. I love the potential. I have met a good friend and her hubby and feel like I am making connections with the professors. I am in awe of the attitudes and environment. Instead of spoon-feeding us the "right" answers, they are presenting me with the information and letting me make up my own mind. Even my one class where we are being treated like freshmen in high school, he has made it infinitely clear that he isn't trying to tell us what to think, only how to think.

Homework hasn't been anything like I expected. Based on my limited observations, I thought I would be having to study my brains out, always struggling to stay on top of things, worrying out papers that would be coming out of my ears. I made sure to budget all kinds of time to do homework and worried about where else I could sneak in the extra time. I had no idea how I would ever be able to say anything in class, let alone participate at an appropriate level.

After 4 weeks of class, I have to look at those expectations and say AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! What a joke. I am not having a lick of trouble in any of my classes. I find myself getting so frustrated because I have this pathetic tendency to DO the work that the professors assign only to find that half the rest of the class didn't do it and half of those who did do it had trouble with it. Meanwhile, I had been lamenting about how easy it was compared to what I expected. I am ahead of schedule in all of my classes and crushingly disappointed that there is no one to talk to about all the awesome things I am learning and how many connections there are between my classes. Mentally, school so far is NOT taxing at all.

I really don't know how to interpret this. On one hand, I think it is most likely just that it is only 4 weeks into the term. I'm sure it will get harder as I go. Once the "honeymoon period" is over, I will enjoy school less, right? Once it comes to turning in those papers, I will panic more about getting them done adequately, right? It has to be just that I haven't hit anything hard yet, right? On the other hand, my observations of others in my classes and limited knowledge of others in other classes... they already seem neck-deep in homework and readings. Even kids in my critical thinking class (the one I end up over-preparing for just by doing the readings and assignments) seem to be struggling to understand the material.

Maybe it comes easier to me? In high school I put forth minimal effort and pulled As and Bs. I never studied for tests. I never had trouble understanding material (except in calculus which I dropped and chemistry which I just couldn't get my head around). Now, I am doing the assigned readings, paying attention and taking notes in all my classes, and actually attending all my classes (which seems to be a novel concept for so many of my classmates - I don't get this at all; some of them don't go to class because they just don't feel like it, putting the strangest things as higher priorities!). Maybe that's enough to make the difference. I certainly can't believe that I have any quality which others do not that is helping me absorb the material better or quicker and so making it mentally easier on me than I expected! LOL

On the other hand, the physical demands of it are way more than I had anticipated. My plan was to spend a week getting acclimated to walking so much and doing stairs. Then to start going to the gym 3 days a week to give out the Couch-2-5K program. Well, I just finished my 4th week on campus and I still hurt so badly just from the walking and the stairs that I don't dare add to it. The feeling glass in my right knee has returned. Every muscle in my body is saying rude things to me. I am eating ibuprofen like candy (800 mg every 4-6 hours). It doesn't help that I am as fat and lazy and out of shape as I am but I honestly don't know whether to push harder or back off or hold my ground. I made an appointment with my doctor to see what to do about the knee and general muscle fatigue. I want to get moving as soon as I can but I can't handle much additional pain right now.

The aspect of returning to school that has surprised me the most is the emotional fatigue. I don't know why I didn't expect it. By the time I leave campus, I am fried emotionally. The amount of energy it takes for me to project confidence and calmness and smile and keep my head up... I still have not managed to pull off keeping my head up while I cross campus. I watch my feet and a little ways in front of me - eye contact is beyond me. I am just so afraid the whole time I am there. I feel out of place, for one thing: this fat, middle aged woman wandering around campus among these young, beautiful, confident kids. I want to hide all the time. In class I have to actually step aside of myself a little bit because of the fear. Obviously I don't completely back off - I have had it drilled into me hard enough that dissociating at school would be a VERY bad thing.

By the end of the day, I am running on empty emotionally. As I settle into the car after classes, all I can think is Thank God the say is over! only to remember that I still have another 4 hours of running to do and an additional 4 hours of home things. I know that it doesn't sound like much to most people. So I'm taking 4 classes this term - so what? It's not like I'm working or doing even a semi-adequate job of keeping up at home...

But I am trying (with the help of the Shrink and Hubby) to acknowledge everything I am doing: 4 classes, plus 4 kids (who are currently in 12 regularly scheduled activities plus the things that are immediately after school), hospice volunteering, all the catching up on doctors' appointments and dentist appointments, 2 sets of weekly therapy, new member class at church and all the normal household things. That's a lot of things.

In my mind, it doesn't count for much because I'm still not able to keep the house clean. The point system we set up last spring/summer is working well. It helps a lot, having the living room back for general use and the decrease in overall upkeep required with more people in the house. Still, the laundry and the dishes are my mortal enemies. I would give anything to be able to make myself enjoy housekeeping. But I don't; I despise it more than almost anything. And as a result, my laziness, selfishness and extreme lack of motivation tend to win. Doing so well at school, even with as easy as that is coming mentally, doesn't change the fact that I am a crappy wife, an inadequate mother, an abominable housekeeper, and a pathetic person.

Cute Kids Make Better Charity Cases

2009-09-12T01:26:00.002-05:00

I've been thinking a bit about people's perceptions regarding charity. It's no secret that adorable children make the best pleas for aid. Combine a cute kid with a visibly miserable situation and people's hearts are more likely to swell with pity and be moved to deeds of charity. To really turn on the waterworks, take a cute kid in a crappy visual environment and have him or her plead for aid with politeness and grace, humility and gratitude. BAM - instant support!

But the reality is by and large extremely different than the idyllic imagery we play out in our minds or in the media publicity. Most kids in desperate situations show physical signs of their need. They are not just dirty and in torn clothes. They may have physical deformities or unusual physical traits associated with their particular plight. They may have scars or other visually uncomfortable distinguishing features. And most of all, just like in the population as a whole, the vast majority of real kids do not have idyllic, runway-model looks; they are by and large average looking with exceptions at either end of the spectrum from angelic to homely. In short, the reality of how these desperate children look is directly contrary to the pretty picture we paint or that the media paints for us to trigger our sympathies.

But it goes so much farther than that. When the average person performs a charitable deed, whether small like dropping coins in the Salvation Army's Christmas pail or extensive like volunteering significant time and resources to provide aid to a cause, we hold certain expectations of the results it will bring. Specifically, we firmly expect the recipient to be both grateful and humble. We often go so far as to expect praise of our moral character for performing the deed. The idyllic transaction might play out like this: (this is the meaning, not a specific example of dialog)

Child: Please help me! I need warm winter clothing and healthy food to eat. I can't get these things without your wonderful assistance. If you give me what I am needing, I can be normal and healthy and happy and I will love you for changing my life!

Charitable Person: Why of course I will help you! You remind me how lucky I am to not have to suffer like you do. I can give you what you ask without causing undue hardship to myself and I will be making the world a better place. I will rescue you from your pain. I will show myself and the world that I am a good person of significant moral worth! Here, have my scraps...

Child: Oh thank you so very much! You are so good and kind and praiseworthy! I appreciate your aid from the bottom of my heart and I will remember you with gratitude forevermore! You are the hero that rescued me from this hell that is not of my own making into a better place where I can grow up to be like you: healthy, wealthy and wise. I give you this token of my appreciation; I spent a huge amount of personal effort on it because you made such an impact on me and I am eternally grateful...

Charitable Person: You are so very welcome! I feel better about myself knowing that I have changed your life for the better and am now a hero in the mind of at least one person. I am going to bask in this praise and use it to justify to myself how I deserve all these comforts because I gave you my scraps to rescue you...

Okay so that isn't what either of them would explicitly say but all of the interactions thereabout can be boiled down to these messages. They are exaggerated for effect here, but this is the idyllic image we tend to envision.

Reality doesn't quite work that way. Not only are the children usually not the perfect little cherubim we have envisioned, but their attitudes and demeanor has been affected by their circumstances. They had no one to teach them humility and manners. All of their life experiences have taught them to distrust others, to look out for themselves, to depend only on themselves, to take what they require - by whatever means necessary - because no one will give it to them otherwise. They are fighters; they are strong but they are hardened from repeated circumstantial battering.

By and far, the more common emotional reactions to charitable deeds would be distrust of motives, anger at the tangible proof of how things are unfair and cruel, hostility born from resentment both at not having what the giver has and at the reasons why they don't have those things, pride and a sense of accepting the deed grudgingly because, while they need it, they don't want to admit that they cannot sustain themselves without the aid of people they perceive to have absolutely no understanding of their world.

A couple takes in a foster child and their (sometimes unstated and/or unconscious) expectation is that the child will be so grateful to them for being so magnanimous, as in the case of Pete from Pete's Dragon. But in reality these kids tend to be angry. They don't believe that the couple will be there for them, love them, and treat them right. The circumstances that necessitated the need for a foster home have taught these kids that parentals cannot be trusted or relied upon. They act out to test their assumptions and sometimes create a self-fulfilling prophecy. Even if repeated transgretions don't yield the negative results they expect, they may never fully come to trust the adults, believing that eventually they will turn on them or let them down or sometimes that they don't deserve the love and respect and safety being offered to them. Often this lack of (what they perceive to be) warranted gratitude and reciprocated faith creates tension and even ill-will and the cycle is perpetuated.

It's a shame the majority of people don't have more realistic expectations. Perhaps then there would be a greater disposition to give and receive aid. If people understood that the behavior is a learned response, a product of the hardships they have experienced, they would be less likely to mentally (or verbally) attribute it to moral failings. Really, in such situations, who is actually demonstrating the greater degree of moral shortcomings - the kid behaving in accordance with their experiences or the adults who hold unreasonable expectations for them?

Craziness in Pop Culture

2009-09-12T00:09:00.002-05:00

Pop culture, especially horror and action-drama, love to have the protagonist experiencing things that others don't believe. We are presented with their overwhelming sensory experiences as they are accused of being crazy or of faking it. They fight and fight against it, often alienating former allies until they are able to prove their unusual experiences are valid and not imaginary or symptoms of psychosis. They win out against all odds and the hero has earned the right to a million "I told you so!"s and a massive sense of vindication.

Flightplan - no one believes Jodi Foster's daughter was on the airplane

The Eye - everyone thinks Jessica Alba has schizophrenia or some other disease-based mental illness rather than seeing through the eyes of the donor she received the transplant from

Mirrors - Keifer Sutherland is assumed to be hallucinating

Nightmare on Elm Street - Heather Langenkamp isn't dreaming of Freddie Kruger, she is insane like her mother was

Pete's Dragon - Elliot was an imaginary playmate

Supernatural - over and over the people are assumed crazy or pretending instead of the actual supernatural causes

In reality though, it doesn't matter what could be causing the experiences the person is having. They are labeled as experiencing a disease-based mental illness. They are told over and over that what they are experiencing isn't real. They are never believed. Eventually they learn to shut up or they get medicated or they get put away where their "delusions" and "hallucinations" can't upset anyone, make them uncomfortable, or cause the person to take desperate measures to try to alleviate their own suffering.

But what if? What if that schizophrenic man's senses pick up something more or different most people's do? What if the crazy cat-lady has an ability to communicate with her beloved pets in a way that most people aren't capable? What if the woman who sees the spirit of her dead daughter can see through the veil to an alternate reality that is opaque to most people? What if the joke of a psychic isn't a fraud or insane but actually has use of senses unavailable to most people? What if that man who thinks he is Jesus Christ is reliving the memory and sensory experiences from 2000+ years ago that most people will never experience?

And no one will ever believe them sincerely. They will be ridiculed or patronized or "diagnosed" and eventually, one way or another, they will be silenced. How ironic that the source of our fantasy life allows for so much more openmindedness, tolerance, and ultimate resolution than real life can ever afford.

Maybe, just maybe, the next time you see that man muttering to himself, you can consider the possibility that his world is actually BIGGER than yours, not restricted by a disability...

It Never Occurred to Me

2009-09-09T19:04:00.002-05:00

Wow. I feel like such an utter idiot, some kind of parodied, stereotyped, racist white bitch. The thing is, I really don't consider (or rather didn't consider) myself racist. I tend to treat skin color as one more physical feature (like blonde, brunette, brown-eyed, tall, black...) and I have done everything in my power to teach my children that skin color alone means nothing about a person. For the most part, I think I have succeeded in this. (I have a funny anecdote about this, an "out of the mouths of babes" moment.

But I am really wondering now, how deep my professed non-prejudiced attitude goes. I get irritated when decisions are made based on race, whether for or against any specific ethnicity. But maybe I have this view only because I am white and don't face the bias every single day. Maybe I am not color-blind but rather just plain blind.

I read this article today. An Open Letter to Eric Kripke The author makes the point that there are almost no black characters (is "black" the currently acceptable terminology?) in Supernatural. All of the black women have been in one episode only and there have only been 4 of them. All of the black men have turned out to be tragically evil and killed off accordingly.

Wow. She's right. And I never even saw it!!! It never once occurred to me. How fucking blind am I?! Could Kripke be as naively unaware as I was? He's a small-town Ohio guy - similar upbring as my own. Maybe it never occurred to him. I can't fathom that he would have done it intentionally - it just doesn't seem to fit with the image he presents.

So, if he reads that article... what will he do?

Ethical Ponderence of the Day: Stealing

2009-09-03T07:03:00.003-05:00

One of my classes this term is ethics. Another is critical thinking. Both have been looking at ethical dilemmas this week. It got me thinking about morals and what happens when two sets of morals conflict. Here is one example I've been pondering:

Is it ethical (not counting the LEGAL aspect at all) to steal something from someone who shouldn't have it to give it to someone who needs it but can't get it on their own?

More thoughts on this later...

More Consequences of Idiocy

2009-09-02T17:25:00.003-05:00

Every day I find yet another reason to kick myself in the ass for not backing up my hard drive. I lost so much information, so much data, so much history... it continues to take my breath away. Today I realized another document that I have lost.

I had a spreadsheet laid out for all my course requirements, all my chosen courses for fulfilling those requirements, all 3 of the minors and the honors certificate. It calculated GPA and missing requirements. It cross-referenced between the minors and the requirements their courses meet. It was a bloody awesome spreadsheet!

I knew I had lost the document when my drive died. But I thought I had 2 backup plans. First, I had printed it out to take to my advisor and to show family/friends. Second, I thought I had sent a copy of it to my Once Best Friend. I checked the file where the hard copy should be and it wasn't in there. I have a vague recollection of it getting crumpled and torn and therefore thrown away.

Bummer. But I should have the file that I sent to her saved in my Sent Messages folder. Tonight I scoured my messages, incoming and sent, in both email accounts. It isn't there. Obviously I IMed it to her instead - a logical thing to do at the time. Except that now I have no copy of it anywhere. It's not like I can ask her if she still has a copy of it!

So I get to recreate the spreadsheet. The calculations and format won't be a hideous problem, more time consuming and annoying than anything. But I had gone through all the courses, all the major and minor requirements, and decided all of the courses I was going to try to take. It took a long time to do and will take an equally long time to reproduce. Add another thing to my never-ending to do lists.

I am so frustrated and angry at myself for this. DAMMIT! I know better!! Such a stupid thing, such an obvious thing... and it continues to bite me in the ass over and over and over.

Moral of the Story: BACK UP FILES! FREQUENTLY! ALWAYS! and PRINT HARD COPIES! FREQUENTLY! ALWAYS!

First Day of School

2009-08-24T21:59:00.003-05:00

Everyone went back to school today. Kid-1 is in 8th grade - back at the top of the food chain. He reported that school was "boring" - how very 14 year old boy!! Kid-2 has decided she loves 7th grade way more than 6th grade. Her BFF moved up to middle school this year and had a wonderful day as well. Kid-3 is now top dog in the 5th grade with the added power of safety patrol. He had a good day and absolutely loves his teacher. Kid-4 had an alright day, although he spent some of it n the nurse's office with a bad headache. Not sure what's up with that but it passed enough that he went back to class without incident.

The bigger news is that it was MY first day back at school too. For 15 years I have been saying I want to go back to school. A couple of times it looked promising. About 11 years ago, I took a couple of classes via internet but never made it onto campus like I wanted. Today, it finally happened. I had Critical Thinking today which is logic and argument analysis. I was rather worried as I envisioned a million papers to write and classroom debates and things of that nature. I didn't take into account that this is NOT an Honors class and it IS a freshman level class. It won't be a blow off class but I am confident that I will be able to handle it without a huge amount of stress.

Tomorrow is the class I am most nervous about. At 9 am I have Honors Ethics. I had to get special permission to take the class and am aware of the extra work that will be required in it. I read the 1st half of the ethics book that dealt with the theory and background and perspectives involved in ethics. I didn't read through the 2nd half that is applied ethics. Basically it is several controversial topics with each side represented in essays. I skimmed them but haven't read them yet. Truth be told I am terrified. At the same time, I am so excited!!

Also tomorrow I have Sociology at noon. I am not hideously worried about that one but we will see how it goes. Friday I have my psych 100 class (Introduction to the Fields and Study of Psychology). Truthfully I am not looking forward to is as I read the book and the syllabus and class schedule and didn't find much of anything that I don't know. I will get to learn how to use the psychology journal articles database, though. That will be critical information for later.

I also got my 1st hospice patient for my volunteering. I will contact her tomorrow and set things up. All in all, things are shaping up nicely. I have learned so much in the past few months and really feel like I am heading in a good direction.

Wish me luck!

Disney Rocks!

2009-08-24T17:40:00.002-05:00

We had quite the busy time down in Florida last week.

Saturday: It took us 14.5 hours to get to Atlanta because of construction traffic but we had two very yummy food stops along the way. When we got there (about midnight) they didn't have any double rooms left. Daddy had guaranteed late arrival though so we had to suffer through what they did have: the presidential suite!!! It is literally the most amazing hotel room I have ever been in. It had two bedrooms with king size beds in each, a full dining room with a table that seats 8 people, a full living room set including a queen size hide a bed, a writing desk that is as big as my dining room table, walk-in closets in both rooms, full bathrooms in both rooms, an astonishing view, super soft sheets....... It was simply jaw-dropping.

Sunday: we headed to Downtown Disney after we arrived and checked in. We weren't connecting rooms but they were adjoining so it wasn't a problem. Disney was booked solid the entire time we were down there due to the meal plan special which meant everything Disney related was also crammed full. Predictably, Mom had a massive panic attack on the bus ride to Downtown Disney. It took about a half hour to calm her down. But then we went to Rainforest Cafe and had super-yummy food. Mom, Daddy and Kid-1 headed back to the room after dinner and Hubby, Kid-2, Kid-3 and Kid-4 and I did some shopping.

Monday: Animal Kingdom! Kid-4 loves the Dino Land rides and I finally got to ride Dinosaur! without him so that I could see it. (Last time he went with us and totally freaked out the entire time.) It was incredibly hot and humid compared to what we are used to and there were very few air conditioned places to relieve us. Got some awesome shots of the tigers though.

Tuesday: Epcot! We started the day off with a huge thunderstorm - quite beautiful actually - which I stood outside during in order to get completely drenched, thereby cooling off a little. Space Mountain is closed, which bites, but we had fun elsewhere. They have a Kim Possible thing going that is a digital scavenger hunt for the kids through one of the countries. It takes about a half hour and they can do as many as they want. The kids did 2 of them, one through Mexico and one through Japan. We saw IllumiNations (fireworks/light show) which was totally wicked. (I videoed it too!)

Wednesday: Hollywood Studios... Strangely enough I would say this was my favorite of the parks this time around. The stunt show was OMG good (yup, videoed it too.) The Rockin Roller Coaster was A W E S O M E !! Wearing the Sea Bands, I didn't get sick from it. It's magnetic so it isn't as shaky-bumpy so I didn't get a headache from it and it's in the dark so I didn't psych myself out on it. Two complete loops and all sorts of twisty-turnies. I loved loved loved it! We also did Tower of Terror. Ick - still don't like that one too much. That day was a lot of fun.

Thursday: Magic Kingdom! By the time we got to MK my feet were positively bruised (visibly - no exaggeration) and I felt like I had glass in my knees. Mom wasn't feeling too well. We split up to ride different things and I enjoyed the roller coaster and the log ride thingie. Both the light parade and the fireworks rained out, which sucked, but we got to do all my super favorites like Small World and Stitch.

Friday: Yeah... the vacation tanked at this point. Not only did we have to go home (WAH!!) Mom got REALLY sick. She had a super high fever, horrible cough, wouldn't eat or drink or anything. Basically speaking we just hauled tail for home.

Saturday: We got home about 8:30. Mom was in really bad shape. Daddy and I took her to the ER. It was far worse than we thought. Her O2 saturation was at 74 (should be 100); her pulse was 160+ (should be < 100); her respirations were 35+ (30 is scary); and her blood pressure was all over the chart. They drugged her up nicely and did a CT. Pneumonia and it's ugly. She is still in the hospital, doing better but a long way from doing good. She's safe. It's just a matter of time and medicine to get her back on her feet but it sure scared Daddy and me something fierce...

Countdown to Disney!

2009-08-14T00:14:00.003-05:00

Saturday morning we leave for Disney World. Tomorrow, Hubby has taken off work to help get us ready. I am so excited about this that I can hardly stand it but at the same time I am completely overwhelmed. There is so much to do to get ready, so many loose ends to try and tied, so much to organize and pack and remember. I have made list after list and lists of my lists and that is the only thing keeping me on track. I finally accepted that some things simply aren't going to get done before I leave. The van won't be repaired before we go on the passenger side where it has a nasty boo-boo. But the mirror can still be adjusted to see behind us, even though it wobbles a bit and the crunch on the door doesn't affect anything functionally so it can wait until we return. I did get my new glasses - YAY for sunglasses attached to the new pair!

We also got school supply shopping done. We even managed to get a new all in one printer. It's so frustrating that we have TWO printers and neither of them work even semi-decently. But now we have a cool happy printer: an Epson Stylus NX300 for under $50! And now we all have backpacks and notebooks and binders and pencils and all the fun supplies that come with a new school year.

All my textbooks are in, of course, as is my Magic Pen which I am so totally in love with!!! I am so excited to be going back to school! I'm nervous, too. 10 credit hours over 4 classes is a huge change for me. I'm confident that I can do it but it is going to be hard work. With the change in routine from all of us going back to school, I am trying to make some other lifestyle changes as well.

Specifically, the fitness center is free for students and I plan on taking advantage of it. All of my barriers (read: excuses) don't apply now so we will see how it goes. I read about a program called Couch-to-5K that I am going to give a try. I know how strange it sounds but jogging is the most appealing form of exercise to me; I'm just so fat and out of shape that I can't do it. There is a scene in the movie What Women Want where they are showing a Nike Women's Division ad showing a woman jogging talking about how the road doesn't care what you're wearing or how long it's been since you ran and all that stuff and ends with "Nike. No games, just sports." I LOVE the sentiments expressed in that commercial. I also love the symbolism of running away or outrunning the stress. And, of course, the universality of running: anywhere, anytime, no special equipment needed. I would love to get back into shape enough that I could run. Hopefully my knees can handle it!

So here I am at 1:30 in the morning, writing instead of sleeping. My mind won't shut off. So many changes have happened this summer that it's mind-blowing. Overall, they are all for the better. Some came with pain, some came only after a lot of frustration. Some of the changes have been a LONG time coming (like 15 years!!) and others caught me by surprise. Change is constant though and even when it is painful or awkward, it should be embraced and counted as a good thing. After all, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. And if it does kill me, well that's not a bad thing either. LOL

So don't be surprised if I don't post for a while. We leave on vacation Saturday and get back right before school starts. (Thank goodness for house sitters!) Then school starts and everything changes again. Not to mention that I've been doing a lot of my writing in a couple of other places. (Who can resist writing in a journal with all the bells and whistles that my Magic Pen provides?! LOL) Wish me luck and take care of yourself while I'm gone. I'll think of you while I'm gone (though admittedly not all of the time - go figure!) and catch up when I am back...

MAC IS BACK!!

2009-08-05T12:21:00.002-05:00

My laptop (affectionately called MAC, an acronym for My Awesome Computer and a play on intent since MAC is a pc) is finally back from the shop!! I am sooo glad to have him back. Even though I had Hubby's laptop to use, I totally prefer my own. Hubby's keyboard is laid out differently that mine and his touch pad is touchy in different places than mine. MAC has complete amnesia and had multiple organs replaced, but HE IS BACK! By this I mean that they had to replace the hard drive (without a current backup or any way to retrieve the contents of the severely dead one) and the DVD drive (both of which I knew were problems) but also had to replace the keyboard (not sure why), and the heat sheet (or something like that) and the DC jack. They also fixed the BIOS and upgraded the firmware. In short, most of MAC's internal parts were switched out.

At least they didn't replace the case - I have my stickers on the lid, most of which I can't replace and many of which have been "personalized" by my Former-Friend's daughter. (That was totally my bad, btw, for leaving MAC where she could reach the stickers - no 2 yr old would know/understand/remember to keep their hands off the "pretties".)

MAC even came home with a couple of new stickers. They are identification stickers but they have "character" and one of them says ADH right under my name. I "personalized" that sticker, adding the last H and a big smiley face. Doing silly, immature things like these stickers lifts my spirits in ways most people don't understand. What can I say? If I don't let "the kids" in my head out to play in little ways, it shows up in less appropriate situations...

At any rate, my happy thought for today is the long-awaited return of my well-loved laptop. LONG LIVE MANUFACTURERS' WARRANTIES!

Saint Theresa's Prayer

2009-08-04T12:21:00.003-05:00

Saint Theresa's Prayer
May today there be peace within.
May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.
May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.
May you be content knowing you are a child of God.
Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.
It is there for each and every one of us.

Saint Theresa is known as the Saint of the Little Ways, meaning she believed in doing the little things in life well and with great love... She is represented by roses.

Defending Myself and Resulting Censorship

2009-08-03T18:26:00.002-05:00

My Former-Friend continues to read this blog and then editorialize on her own. She takes what I have said and turns it over in her mind and then rebuts it. I, obviously, continue to read hers as well. It's hard for me to read her defending herself without wanting to argue the points and correct her misperceptions. Sometimes I want to scream at her or point out all the specific errors in her posts. Other times I just smile at it, at her "logic" and her conclusions.

I tell myself not to bother reading because ultimately it doesn't change anything. I continue to go back because the only thing that rattles me more than the types of attacks she makes is knowing they are being made without knowing what they are. So I read and I am astonished at her thought processes, I am irritated at her plethera of mistakes, and I am relieved as the evidence mounts that this break is exactly what we both needed.

At the same time I feel the need to stop writing as openly and without censoring myself. Everything I say, she takes and twists it around to boost her own position. I hate feeling judged and am acutely aware that whatever I say will be corrupted and used against me. I understand that she needs to do this in order to keep her ego intact but, even though I know not to take her attacks personally, they still bother me. I find myself not willing to publish my posts because I know she will misinterpret everything I say. I find myself censoring my thoughts before they become words because I don't want to give her ammunition to tear me down.

I'm not sure how to resolve this conflict. I no longer bear her ill will but she continues to spew venom. I know which of the things she says are are true, which have half-truths but have been distorted and which things aren't even worth serious consideration. I hate knowing that she will judge and corrupt what I'm writing but I refuse to give her power over me by allowing myself to restrict access to this blog or let her chase me away from my own sacred space.

Of course, she had no business being here in the first place. I have made myself clear many times that I don't want people in my physical life reading my blog because that's where I vent and sort through my emotions and thoughts. What goes into the blog is not intended for the eyes of those I'm writing about. Can you imagine a conversation with a loved one where instead of you choosing what you say to them, they have unlimited access to your thoughts - without your knowledge? It's the same thing.

I suppose I will keep doing what I need to do. I will write what I need to write, where I need to write it, when I need to write. Let her do as she will. Ultimately, what she thinks and feels about me, however correct or distorted, is neither my business nor my problem. It's what I think and feel...

Singing the Same Song

2009-07-30T23:38:00.001-05:00

In the middle of all the chaos, I wrote a song about how Former-Friend and I seem to be saying the same things about each other. I have the lyrics worked out and I have the melody in my head. I'm really crappy at getting it down on paper, though. It's taking forever to ferret out the notes. But here are the lyrics. The song is a duet. The red is one part, the blue is the other part, and the purple is together:

Singing the Same Song
We’re both saying the same things
But about each other
Can we both be right?
Can we both be wrong?
Can we learn to be okay after hurting so long?
Why can’t you see?
We’re singing the same song

How could you betray me?
How could you demean me?
How could you say the things you said?
How could I have trusted you?
How could I have fought for you?
When you cut until I bled
Like a knife into my back
Like a bullet through the heart
Why can’t you see
You’re tearing me apart?

We’re both saying the same things
But about each other
Can we both be right?
Can we both be wrong?
Can we learn to be okay after hurting so long?
Why can’t you see?
We’re singing the same song

I was always there for you
I always have cared for you
I thought we had each others’ backs
All that I gave up for you
Everything I gave to you
After all I’ve done for you
I promised I’d die for you
I promised I’d live for you
Why can’t you see
What you’ve done to me?

We’re both saying the same things
But about each other
Can we both be right?
Can we both be wrong?
Can we learn to be okay after hurting so long?
Why can’t you see?
We’re singing the same song

I thought that you’d be here
I thought that you’d be near
And now you’re gone
I’ve never had to walk alone
I never thought I’d be alone
Now I’m the only one here
You threw everything away
You ruined all that we had
Why can’t you see
I’ll never be the same

We’re both saying the same things
But about each other
Can we both be right?
Can we both be wrong?
Can we learn to be okay after hurting so long?
Why can’t you see?
We’re singing the same song

We’re both saying the same things
But about each other
Can we both be right?
Can we both be wrong?
Can we learn to be okay after hurting so long?
Why can’t you see?
We’re singing the same song

We’re both
Singing
THE SAME SONG

Time

2009-07-30T12:37:00.002-05:00

There are so many quotes about time and its fluid, ever-changing characteristics. I find myself thinking a lot about time today. How it drags or zips by, how it heals or creates scars, how everything changes given enough of it.

Life is what happens to you when you're busy planning other things. -John Lennon
It seems like forever that I have had the mindset that I will get x done as soon as y happens and y just doesn't happen. I will go back to school as soon as we can afford it: 14 years I said that. This year I put my foot down and made it happen. I'll have time to write as soon as I finish paying bills, chasing kids, clean the house, etc. All things that never quite get done and so if I want to write I have to set that aside and just do it. I'll start exercising as soon as the weather clears, but it is always too hot or too cold or too wet or I'm too busy. No wonder I'm fat and out of shape and generally disgusting.

The Shrink often advocates being mindful of the present and staying in the moment. It isn't just an important part of not dissociating. It's about watching the kids play their everyday games, noticing the expression on Hubby's face as he talks about his day, taking note of the details of the life that is all around me right now. Because if I am too busy double-checking next week's schedule, I'll miss today's golden moments.

Time flies when you're having fun and its twin A watched pot never boils
The other phrase that goes right along this one is "wibbly-wobbly timey-whimey stuff" (a quote from Doctor Who, of course, episode "Blink"). These observations about time highlight how my perception of time is not consistent at all. The time spent in a doctor's waiting room can be the exact same amount as the time spent engaged in interesting conversation but the former drags and drags while the later is over before I know it. Perhaps the secret to evening out the perceived pace of time is connected to mindful awareness. Finding the things that make that "long" wait unique and fascinating as well as taking the time to feel the awe and happiness in a pleasant conversation... it seems to me that these things would slow down the rushing train and speed up the infinite wait.

Time heals all wounds
This is a common platitude but I truly wonder if it has any merit at all. Just because it's been 15 years since I was betrayed by someone I trust doesn't mean that I've forgotten it or that it hurts any less. I think time may give us the distance we need to affect our own healing but I don't think it is the distance itself that does the healing. Unless it is intended in the same vein as All bleeding stops eventually and means that once you're dead you won't be hurting about incidents from high school.

Time has passed since the initial volcano between Uber-Bitch and me. I need a new euphemism for her since I no longer feel that red-hot anger and vicious pain. I don't know what to call her now. I can see where she is coming from and I can see where she is going and I hope that she never does to anyone else what she did here. No one needs that kind of pain, not her and not anyone else. I learned a lot from her and I'm grateful for that, even though not all of it turned out to be good lessons. There is no doubt that I will continue to struggle to find where her grains of truth end and the cognitive distortions begin, but eventually I think I will be able to tell the difference. In the meantime, Guardian Angel and The Shrink and Hubby and many others will continue to smack me upside the back of the head (Gibbs-ing me, as the kids say) to put things back into perspective. And lord help me, I will never break myself to rescue someone else again - people don't need to be rescued; they need to be helped. So time has passed and I still hurt and still get angry but it doesn't consume me anymore, permeating every area of my life and saturating it with unbearable emotions. Did time affect this change? No, I did - with a lot of help from my friends.

"The time has come," the Walrus said, "To talk of many things: Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax-- Of cabbages--and kings-- And why the sea is boiling hot-- And whether pigs have wings. - Jabberwocky (Lewis Carrol)
The walrus said this to the oysters to continue the deception he and Carpenter were perpetrating to lure the oysters from home and them eat them. He spoke of all those things to oysters to distract them from the fact that they were being eaten.

So many of the things I write, the posts that actually get completed, are of surface issues rather than the underlying causes. I speak about all the fires in my life that I rush around putting out, rather than finding the cause of all the fires springing up in the first place. And so it is with this post as well. I am rambling about time, sorting out the things that make it such a curious creature, without talking about the things that have made me examine time's characteristics. It's strange, for someone who claims to love writing as much as I do, there are so many things that I can't seem to actually give the power of words written or spoken aloud.

Habits are hard to change.

Why Do I Write?

2009-07-23T13:21:00.002-05:00

I received confirmation of the long-suspected truth that Uber-Bitch (who doesn't care for that label) does read my blog. I knew that, have known it for a long time, as Guardian Angel and I have discussed. She finally decided the time had come to speak up and vent her reactions to my blog, current and past. I am now a liar and two-faced, I broke the friendship first by the rantings in my blog, she kept the family going last fall/winter, and I have been spouting lies the whole time. She also feels sorry for me because I "don't even dare look in the mirror for fear it'll crack" whilst she knows she has flaws and is trying to fix them. She also is not trying to start a blog war and would not be fazed by anything that I or my "little dumb friends" have to say and she doesn't care if I think she is wrong. You can read the entire comment here. You can read her blog post detailing the backstory of her comment here. Or browse her blog here (although this may be what she meant by sending my "little dumb friends" to her blog).

I did return to her blog after her comment and sent a return message. It was long and intended to have the overall message that I don't care what she does, that I already knew she had been here, and that I will think what I want while she thinks what she wants and really it's better off that way. And then, because I am incapable of learning from my mistakes, I sent it without saving a copy. Since she never lets comments go through that means I don't have it saved anywhere. You'd think I would have learned from the hard drive fiasco...

One thing that her comment did was make me think about why and what I write here. I have always made a point of not giving out my blog address to the people in my daily life. If I know someone is reading it, I have the tendency to censor what I write for fear of hurting or offending or angering them or giving them ammunition against me. I use my blog to purge myself of the thoughts and feelings that are uncomfortable or that I need to sort out. My blog is public because unlike a diary/journal or a private blog, having it open gives me a feeling of casting my thoughts outward and, as I said, purging myself of them. That is one of my (many) little weirdnesses that I don't normally need to justify.

The second component to this public blog is who I write for. That is unequivocably ME. I have a few regular readers and I have a couple of posts that get regular hits from the search engines but I don't cater my writing to them. If they enjoy reading my blog, that is great and I'm happy to have them here. If they don't like my blog, they move on and I'm fine with that too. To that end, this blog is not about proving myself to anyone but myself. It's not about justifying my thoughts or actions to anyone but myself. It is not a daily chronicle of all of life's ups and downs to be read at a later date to see how far I've come, although I do use it for review at times.

I write on my blog so that I don't have to vent my feelings to someone who might feel caught in the middle between me and whoever I was venting about, or to someone who would judge me for the content or someone who would use it against me. As Uber-Bitch demonstrated, I had cause to fear those things. I write on my blog to make sense of myself, a difficult task at the best of times. I have almost as many "drafts" of posts as actual posts because before I finished the entire post, the situation I was trying to unravel took care of itself or I had a chance to talk to someone about it and made sense of it already. Because I write for me and me alone, I don't feel pressured to complete those posts or to update frequently to appease my readers or chronicle every notable incident in my life. I write what I want, when I want to write it and I don't worry about the effects on others because they aren't supposed to be here.

That said, anyone who knows me even a little bit could easily find my blog. I am well known for my Silent Voices, my SV. Most people that are close to me know that I blog too and most of those people know that I use Blogger to do it. I never use names; everyone has a moniker. This is to maintain privacy from strangers although someone truly psychotic could easily track me down from context clues if they really wanted to. It is also to reduce the number of viable searches someone could make to find my blog. But truly, try a google search on TheSV or the sv blog or "silent voices in my mind"... All of these are known keywords to people close to me and my blog shows up within 3 pages on each search.

The really twisted part of this easy searchability comes in when I consider the fact that I am completely aware that my blog could easily be found by anyone who wanted to. This is reflective of another one of the ways in which I am completely fucked up. It's one of those tests that can't be passed. If someone doesn't go looking for my blog, it could be interpreted as not really caring or being interested. But if they do find it, they aren't respecting my privacy.

Like I said, it's totally fucked up. But I do recognize it as skewed and while I don't change the blog to something obscure and unsearchable, I have actively chosen to see the good side of that "test" - those people that don't seek and find my blog are respecting my stated wishes to not give out the URL and those people who have found my blog on their own (there are 3) are simply concerned for me and want to know more than I am capable of directly telling them.

To counter the paranoia I feel over leaving myself vulnerable to searches, I keep close tabs on where the hits come from and how they got to my blog. Every so often a search comes up that makes me nervous because I can't identify it. Or I have a couple of repeat viewers that I don't know whose locations aren't from here but have suspicious timing. (It is very easy to cloak your IP city and state intentionally and a lot of IPs don't reflect an accurate location anyways.) In that manner I have recognized when people I know are reading my blog. Sometimes it takes a while for me to catch on, but I've caught it 3 times. It really is no protection against someone reading, but it gives me the illusion of having "control" over it.

So there it is. This is why I write here, what I write here, and why I write what I write. Now I just need to determine if I can continue to meet my objectives here now that I have confirmation of Uber-Bitch's readership. I refuse to make it private or invitation only to "prevent" her from reading. I truly don't want to pick up and move again. I like this blog and where it's at and the history I have here. But can I continue to write without self-censoring?

On one hand, she judges me by it (and always has, as it turns out) and being judged is one of my greatest fears. On the other hand, there's a good chance she will stop reading as soon as I stop mentioning her since she no longer has any incentive to care about my life. There is still the issue of what I write being used as ammunition against me but there is nothing new that she can do or say to inflict additional damage so I think that is no longer a concern. Normally, with people in my daily life reading, I would be concerned about hurting someone or angering them or generating additional conflict with them. Obviously that isn't a problem since she is no longer in my daily life.

And that statement right there may be the key to the whole question. I am uncomfortable with people from my daily life reading my blog. But she is no longer part of my daily life. At this point, she can only hurt me if I care what she thinks - which I don't. I can only hurt or upset her if she cares what I think - which she stated that she does not. There is no area of my life that she has reason to complicate now so the issue of ammunition is resolved.

End judgment: I keep my blog, and my writing style, as it currently is and let her deal with herself.

Frustration Over Lack of Talent

2009-07-22T23:21:00.002-05:00

Recently I've really been relying on my creativity to get me through some rough emotions and circumstances. I've been painting about the raw emotions that don't quite have words, just colors and images. I've been writing, trying to get down the hard truth of 16 years ago. And I wrote another song.

I'm trying to sort out the situation between Uber-Bitch and me through it. I have the lyrics down. I had them typed up but it was on my hard drive. Lucky for me I printed a hard copy to edit by hand so I didn't lose it all.

So I have this song, the lyrics and the melody. I can hear it in my head as crystal clear as a song from the radio stuck in my head. But, despite 8+ years of rather accomplished (pardon my "modesty" here) musical training (1 year of recorder, 5 years of violin, and 3 years of voice training), I simply don't have the skill to get the song out of my head and onto the score. I know music composition and music theory. I can translate a musical score into violin fingerings or singing. I can even, though very slowly, pick out the notes on the piano. But I can't translate the sound in my head to notes on the staff without a HUGE amount of trial and error. I have been working on this for over 8 hours and I only have the first 5 lines done (12 measures in common time).

Even once I finally manage to get this song transcribed, I know very little about creating harmony and almost nothing about turning the whole thing into a complete song of the right genre. Nor do I have any idea at all where to find a resource to help me. And if I could find a resource, it would undoubtedly cost more than a pretty penny. After all of which I might have a decent song (that I could do nothing with) but what about all the other songs that float in and out of my head? What about "I Miss You" (a song that I wrote last May)?

Ironically, it isn't even like I plan to pursue finding someone to perform the song commercially. I don't care if it ever goes anywhere outside of my own knowledge. For all I care, it could remain as a file on my computer forever or someone else could claim it as their own, perform it commercially and make a million dollars off of it with me not seeing a penny. I don't care. I just want to be able to use the creativity inside me to help myself heal.

Just like my writing, which I do because I want to and not with the specific intent of having it published, I paint for myself, and write these songs for myself. But unlike the painting and the writing, which may suck but can be completed, I don't have the skill to complete the musical creations.

And this frustrates me to no end. I have a problem that I can't see any viable solutions for. It's not like the problem I have in keeping the house clean where I know what the problem is and how to fix it, I just can't seem to actually do it. It's not like the emotional healing I am in therapy for where I can see the direction The Shrink is leading me but can't figure out how to walk the path laid before me. With the songwriting, I can see where I am and I can see where I want to be but I have absolutely no idea what the steps are to get there.

GGRRRRRR!!!

Random Thoughts

2009-07-22T09:58:00.003-05:00

My laptop's hard rive is toast. And clever me: I haven't done a backup in forever, like since December or before. I am so frustrated with myself! Okay, I'm not frustrated, I'm pissed. For goodness sake! I know better...

Uber-Bitch's daughter is sick. Despite myself, I am worried about her. She has the stomach flu and while I cannot believe that Uber-Bitch took her to emergency room for the stomach flu, I still wish I could be there to give her hugs and tell her it's going to be okay. And believe it or not, I feel bad for Uber-Bitch herself. She has never handled vomit well and gets so stressed out when her daughter is sick. I wish I could be there to tell her that everything will be okay, to give her a break to get some sleep and a shower and food.

I got into the Honors Ethics class I was trying for. That puts me up to 10 credit hours in 4 classes including 1 honors course. It also puts my out-of-pocket costs up close to $700 which royally bites. This had better get sorted out by spring term or I am going to be royally screwed. Unlike some people, I'm not going to take out limitless student loans with a Scarlet O'Hara attitude. We have a hard enough time living within our means without adding on that. I am incredibly blessed that Daddy is going to cover this semester as a "birthday present" - he says if I had stayed in school 15 years ago, he would have owed a lot more than this. I think it is obvious that he is pleased that I am returning to school.

In therapy this morning, The Shrink and I tried to work out how to handle Kid-1's tantrums. I think it is significant that since Uber-Bitch left, we haven't had a single problem with him refusing to take his meds. And in the past week, now that he is back on the extended release mood stabilizer, we haven't had a single tantrum from him. Perhaps I just haven't pissed him off yet or perhaps he just needed the little bit of extra stability. Or perhaps making him walk the 2.5 miles home last week put things in perspective for him. Time will tell, I suppose.

Does She Really Not Remember What She Did?

2009-07-14T13:23:00.003-05:00

Every day I tell myself not to go and read her blog. I know that all it does is stir up painful emotions. The degree to which Uber-Bitch has deluded herself is absolutely unreal. If it weren't so close to my (broken) heart, it would be a fascinating clinical study in delusional projection. And yet every day I find myself wandering over there, wondering how she is doing, hoping her daughter is surviving despite having such a horrible mother, a woman so self-absorbed and narcissistic that she actually believes she has her daughter's interests in mind. And most days I find at least a little bit of vitriol about me. At times her statements are downright laughable. Sometimes they are painful in their inaccuracy. They all serve to reassure me that her leaving was actually a blessing, despite the pain and loss she rained down upon my family and upon me.

Today she revisited the age-old theme of "my ex-best friend kicked me out at the worst possible time" and how I turned on her and how I ruined her life. She went off about the doctors that said she needed to go. She reminded herself that she did no wrong and I am Satan-Spawn who destroyed her trust forever more. She is so far gone away from reality that she clings to her assertion that I kicked her out abruptly for the main purpose of sabotaging her.

Does she honestly not remember that conversation? The one where I explicitly and directly said that although the Med-Shrink wanted me to boot her without notice, that I would never do that and that The Shrink and I had discussed it and didn't think immediacy was needed or appropriate. I asked her to START LOOKING for somewhere. She got defensive immediately and informed/reminded me that she had tried to leave and I "wouldn't let her" and that we had shot her down when she wanted to. She was referring to the time when she was thinking about moving into the projects and Hubby and my's immediate reaction questioning the safety and suitability of such a place. I, in return, got defensive as well - that she chose to blame me for discouraging her from taking that route back when it was originally presented. I told her that maybe it was time for her to revisit that option.

Then she screwed up: she chose to attack the personality and integrity of Kid-1. Did she expected me to "side" with her and change my mind because my son has issues? I had tried to make it very clear that I wasn't blaming either of them exclusively for their irreconcilable differences but that it just wasn't working any more. And yet she tried to air her laundry list assassinating Kid-1's character and expected me to sit there and take it. True or not makes no difference, I am not going to listen to her trash him at a time that it serves no purpose. It didn't matter what she did or what he did; she had to start looking at other options. So I cut her off. I told her that I wasn't going to discuss it with her and that this wasn't up for debate. She got pissed because I wouldn't let her "express her opinion" and stomped off.

Even after that, I had no intention of starting a war. I was all set to apologize the next day for the direction the conversation had taken. I recognized that I had gotten defensive about her blaming me (again). But she was still in Uber-Bitch mode. She was trying to get ready for school and I was trying to get the kids around so I didn't push it. Then came the curt emails which I tried to respond to with no animosity or tenor of attack. Her response tipped the scales - I had been considering whether or not I should read her blog to get her side of it. So I did.

Wow! The venom she had begun pouring out shocked and stunned me. Still I supported her. I tried to find a way to repair things. I was hurt and angry at what I read. But in her defense, she didn't know that I was going to start reading again (despite specifically asking me a week or so before). So I sat on it and tried to hold my tongue - I neither needed nor desired a confrontation. But it didn't take long before I reached my tolerance level. When she proclaimed on her blog that she could never trust me again and that she would no longer put anything into our relationship, I lost it.

That is when I gave up on her. That is when I stopped thinking of her as a sister. That is when I made the catty remark about guests not cleaning - and she's right: I said it for the shock value and as subtle attack. She lost her position in our family, in our household, not because of a longstanding issue that I had never bothered to bring up but because she decided she didn't want to be close to me.

She accused me many times of harboring negative feelings against her that I didn't express until I kicked her out. But the fact is, I didn't have a problem with her staying there and I didn't expect her to be doing anything different than what she had been doing. I knew very well that the relationship was lop-sided but every time I tried to expect more out of her, she fell down and I ended up angry. So I dropped my expectations and I required nothing more from her than what she was giving. As for the conflict between her and Kid-1, I didn't blindside her with that either - we had been talking about it all along, as problems arose.

Uber-Bitch has gone through many variations on a theme in her blaming me for her issues. She went through a phase where she was convinced I was jealous of her because she was living out her dreams and I was stuck in hell therefore I sabotaged her to bring her down to my level. She went through a period of blaming Kid-1 for everything. She decided that I had never been her friend and had done everything I did for her to make myself feel better. (I never did understand that one...) She blamed me for her math grades as if it's my fault she incompetent at math. She went out of her way to spite me during the move, first by changing her mind about the desk (AFTER I had promised it to Kid-3 because she said she didn't want it) and then by purposefully refusing to take her mattress and box springs despite me giving her plenty of notice that she needed to do so. (And when I blew my top over her passive-aggressive attack, she filed a police report against ME - that was funny!!)

The odd thing about all the garbage she has been spewing is that it is largely the same things I have been saying/thinking about her. This bothered me quite a bit: what's to say she's not right and I am the one that is blind. But after going over and over the situation in my mind and with anyone who would listen, after sending many people to her blog to get her point of view, after discussing it endlessly with my two best advisors (Guardian Angel and The Shrink), I came to the conclusion that she is projecting her short-comings onto me so strongly that she truly can't see they are her own.

Here is some of today's antics:

Sometimes this world we live in really makes me shake my head in bewilderment. We hurt each other all the time. Why? What makes us do that? What makes a doctor think, in spite of the Hippocratic oath (do no harm) that kicking someone out for no good damn reason is okay? What kind of human beings are these people? Where do they come from? The relationship itself was wrong and I knew that. I was going to fix it in time but on my terms. I was simply going to let the relationship take it's natural course after I left and let it fade. It would have been less painful that way. And I ask how I possibly could have overreacted? A woman you've known and treasured for 12 years suddenly turns on you - how do you react? When your future hangs in the balance, could you react calmly? Or would you panic? Would you be pissed at having trusted this person implicitly only to realize too late that you shouldn't have? I'm the viper? I'm the snake? Sorry, look in the mirror honey cause you're projecting yourself again.

It amuses me that she says I am the one projecting and I am the one that overreacted. We really are saying the same things. And we are each completely convinced of our own position. I seriously doubt she will ever face reality and see what really happened here. Her ego wouldn't be able to handle the realization that all of her problems are her own doing and that her victim act doesn't hold any water. She has to cast the blame off of herself because she is too immature and emotionally incompetent to accept responsibility for herself and her endless list of personality problems.

How I would love to castigate her. It would be so easy to go off on her and lay out the real reasons her life is so pathetic. And I can't believe it took me that long to see that she is irredeemable. She is too damaged to ever function normally in society. She will never understand what it means to be a family or to take responsibility for herself. She will continue throughout her life in the same pattern of black and white thinking, of placing people on a pedestal until her ego is threatened or someone actually wants her to accountable. Then she cuts them from her life rather than see that is truly is her that is the root of the problems. The very fact that she continues in the same cycles proves that she causes her own misery yet she would much rather claim the role of the poor, put-upon, misunderstood, always beaten down victim than face the cold hard truth. Thank god she is no longer my problem...

My Immortal by Evanescence

2009-07-13T23:43:00.000-05:00

It seems like everywhere I look, something reminds me of Uber-Bitch and her daughter. And it still hurts. Sometimes.

Sometimes I hurt because I think of everything that has happened in the past several years and I can't believe that in one argument it is all gone. I get this soundtrack playing on repeat in my mind: "After everything I did for them, everything I gave them, after everything I sacrificed and almost lost to try to help her... how can she say I was never her friend?" Over and over like fingernails on a blackboard and I don't know how to make it stop. I want to cry. I want to understand how this could have happened and how it could have been prevented. I want to make sure I never get caught so totally blindsided again, so no one can hurt me like that again.

But other times I just get angry over it all. Ironically, it's the same record that plays in my head, the same words. Except instead of it hurting like an unexpected knife in the back, it burns with anger like laying a hand down on a hot stove top. When I feel like this, I want to hurt her back. I want to go off on her, tell her exactly who she really is and say the most crippling things I can think of. I want to say things to her that she won't ever be able to forget, no matter how hard she tries. I want to scar her, like I feel that she has scarred me. I want revenge, emotional of course, rather than physical.

Then there are nights like tonight when I am too tired and too overwhelmed to even have an emotional response. She continues to vilify me, even now, and I wonder if she will ever look back and see that I had her back the whole way. Somehow I doubt it. I guess numb is better than pain and more comfortable than anger. But I still want to know how long it will take before I can breathe again.

This song by Evanescence reflects how everything around me reminds me of her and her daughter. It all is still so fresh, it's like being haunted by the ghosts of what used to be. The bolded parts are especially fitting...

"My Immortal" (Evanescence)

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus:]
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus]

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

[Chorus]

A Universe Devoid of Meaning? Surely Not...

2009-06-30T14:23:00.002-05:00

I was reading an article by Myra Partridgeover at The Psychiatric Times about "Helping Patients Overcome the Fear of Death". I thought it might be a useful POV for hospice volunteering. But this quote (by Irvin D. Yalom, MD) in the article stopped me in my tracks:

“We are meaning-seeking creatures who are unfortunate enough to have been hurled into a universe that is devoid of meaning,” he said. “And so we have to invent a meaning that’s sturdy enough to support our lives. And maybe then need to perform this acrobatic feat, that we need to pretend that this idea wasn’t invented, it was discovered; this meaning that’s been out there all the time.”

Seriously? The more I think about this, the more I can see what he may be trying to say. Humans look for patterns and connections between what they do and what happens to them. We look for them even when they aren't there - that is the root of superstitions and mythologies. And really, what is religion but a currently believed mythology? So maybe he was simply referring to why people turn to religion in the first place.

(For an AWESOME video on how superstitions are formed check this out: Derren Brown's Trick or Treat)

But saying that we live in a universe that is devoid of meaning is like saying there is no such thing as cause and effect because some things people believed to be connected turned out not be related at all.

I believe life DOES have meaning and purpose. But I believe it is up to each of us to find that purpose and meaning for ourselves. Some may seek it through religion or art or being good at their job. Others may look for it within themselves or out somewhere in the universe or in understanding history. But we all have the potential and the ability to find meaning in life and identify our purpose in it.

Breathe (2 AM) by Anna Nalick

2009-06-30T10:28:00.002-05:00

This song (except the middle stanza about the alcoholic) reminds me of how my relationship with Uber-Bitch was when she first arrived here. I saw her through some tough times. And I had tough times of my own. But we faced them together. And now... well, it hasn't been that way for a while...

Breathe (2 AM)

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason

'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

May he turned 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
"Just a day" he said down to the flask in his fist,
"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it.

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
woah breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe.

I Don't Care by Apocalyptica

2009-06-30T08:22:00.002-05:00

I stumbled across this song after doing a funky-lame quiz over on Twitter. I went and looked it up on YouTube. It sounds familiar and I LOVE IT! Then I read the lyrics. This is where my head is at a lot. I'm going to keep telling myself that I don't care until I believe it.

Lyrics to I Don't Care
(feat. Adam Gontier)

I try to make it through my life
In my way
There's you
I try to make it through these lies
That's all I do

Just don't deny it
Just don't deny it
And deal with it
Yeah, Deal with it

You try to break me
You wanna break me
Bit by bit
That's just part of it

If you were dead or still alive
I don't care
I don't care
And all the things you left behind
I don't care
I don't care

I try to make you see my side
I Always try to stay in line
But your eyes see right through
That's all they do
I'm getting tired of this shit
I got no room when it's like this
But you order me
just deal with it!

So

If you were dead or still alive
I don't care
I don't care
And all the things you left behind
I don't care
I don't care

[Cello Solo]

(If you won't be there for me, You won't be there for me)
(If you won't be there for me, You won't be there for me)

[Piano Solo]

If you were or dead or still alive
I don't care
I don't care
And all the things you left behind
I don't care
I don't care

If you were dead or still alive
I don't care
(If you won't be there for me, You won't be there for me)
I don't care
And all the things you left behind
I don't care
(You won't be there for me)
I don't care
At all

No One Else to Thank

2009-06-29T23:23:00.002-05:00

I busted my ass for her, watching her daughter so she could do this school stuff. She stole my thunder and dumped extra responsibility on us and stopped working so hard at her business. But she has no one else to thank but herself:

Today I got my grades from my summer session and I'm so happy to say I got the grades I expected. I got an A in my education class and a B in my Lit class. I did it in spite of numerous barriers, stresses, and changes. I busted my ass for six weeks and succeeded in spite of all the odds. There's no one else to thank or give credit to. I put in the hard work and can reap the benefits and satisfaction. And I'm so relieved because if I could do that, I can do almost anything.

Why oh why did I ever let her so far in? Why did I pick up the snake and bring her home? I can't even get mad at her for thinking this way because this is typical of her. And I knew it. I knew it from the first week she was up here. Now I am so spitting mad at myself that I can't decide whether to hurt something or cry or both.

Please, God, make me a bird so I can fly far, far away from here.
Please, God, make me a bird so I can fly far, far away from here.
Please, God, make me a bird so I can fly far, far away from here.
Please, God, make me a bird so I can fly far, far away from here.
Please, God, make me a bird so I can fly far, far away from here.
Please, God, make me a bird so I can fly far, far away from here.

I've Got to Let Go of This

2009-06-29T14:50:00.002-05:00

I still find myself on a roller coaster of emotions. I am so angry with Uber-Bitch that I want to lash out and make her hurt as badly as she hurt me. I want to cry and hide in a dark room under the covers and pretend none of this ever happened. I want to dance on the tables from the joy of having so much of my life and my time back. I want to shake her and go through her blog line by line with her to show her how totally fucked up she is and how she is reaping what she sowed. I want to crawl under a rock and apologize to everyone I know for not believing them all these years when they told me what an Uber-Bitch she is and rewind the tape to erase all the MANY MANY MANY times I defended her, even after I had stopped believing it myself.

But it all comes down to the fact that I really need to let the situation go. I still obsess over the inaccuracies in her blog. I still plan in my head what I would say to her if I could get her to listen. I have nightmares about her. Almost everything I do these days reminds me of her betrayal. And it still feels like a knife in the back.

Does she know that she has reinforced most of my basic fears?

My biggest fear is that people are saying cruel (but often true) things behind my back and I don't know it until it comes crashing down around me. It happened.

I hate conflict because I am always worried the person will get so mad that the relationship will be destroyed in an ugly showdown. It happened.

I feel like a bad person because I am selfish and lazy. She said that I am.

I feel like a bad parent because I struggle with follow-through. She attacked my parenting skills.

I felt guilty for expecting her to become part of the family with all the goods and bads that come with it. She says I did it all for myself, to make myself feel better.

I make a point of never lying to people. She has decided I was lying the whole time.

Ever since she moved up here, I have felt she is my responsibility. (The whole "if you save a life, it is your responsibility to protect it" ideology.) And she accused me of deliberately sabotaging her at the worst possible time.

I refuse to keep score of the things I do for others compared to what they do for me. I can't bear the thought of it becoming a "You owe me!" situation. She tallied it all up on her mental scoreboard. (Even distorted beyond any resemblance of the truth, she was still keeping score.)

I hurt so bad. I know this is all my fault. I picked up the snake and brought it home and now it has bitten not just me but my family. The Shrink said it was her choice to bite the hand that fed her. He says she could have made a different choice, like the lion in the fable of the lion and the mouse, or Alex in Madagascar. But I cannot get the story of the woman and the poisonous snake out of my mind: "I am a poisonous snake. You knew this when you picked me up. What did you think I would do?"

How could I have let it come to this??? And how do I break myself out of this pain?

I Miss You (NOT!)

2009-06-29T12:42:00.002-05:00

It's kind of funny. Uber-Bitch was so convinced that I would miss her when she's gone.

She thought we would realize just how much she did to keep the household running.

I tried to give everything I could possibly manage with the guidance of my therapist and still be true to myself and my goals. I refused to be a maid to a household that doesn't want to keep their house or themselves clean. I struggled to not allow my own feelings of guilt over being under their roof affect me and cause me to over-compensate.

Well, honey, newsflash: aside from not having your daughter's toys spread all over the place and her dirty dishes getting nasty on the table... yeah, I don't see a difference.

She also thought I would wake up and she'd be gone and I would be all alone:

However, years from now when her kids are grown and gone about their lives and her husband is tired of putting up with her mental illness, she will be the one who is sad and alone.

That was a joke, right? What am I supposed to miss? Her bragging about being so good in her parenting class, when I want to shake some sense into her and point out how she isn't putting what she's learning into practice? Her drama queen act about how busy she is how she just needs some time for herself? Her incessant demands to go do something with her when I am just not up to it? The way she is mean or cold to Kid-1 every time she speaks to him? Or maybe her stabbing me in the back by trash talking me to my own friends and family? Oh, yeah... I miss that.

I miss my writing buddy from Florida. She was awesome.

But I don't miss the self-centered, egotistical, self-important Uber-Bitch she has become. She has this victim mentality of "poor me! everyone's out to get me for no reason!" that gets old very quickly. She thinks she is entitled to having all of life's necessities without doing shit to earn them. And she has transformed this entire fiasco into a major case of neurotic projection that borders on delusional projection. I keep coming back to her one statement:

I no longer hate the world because I realize there's only one person to blame for this. I wish I could say it were me - then maybe the blame wouldn't be so huge. But I blame her for lying, for not communicating, for avoiding conflict in her typical fashion, for breaking her promises to tell me if something were wrong. I blame her completely for having a perception of reality so fucked up no one can make sense of it. As my therapist says, you can't make logic out of something irrational.

But hey - I'm gonna miss her when she's gone, right? ROFLMAO!!!

What's It REALLY About?

2009-06-28T14:02:00.002-05:00

I've been reading a book on writing to move through grief and loss. It has lots of examples throughout it and personal anecdotes. I was reading about a woman suffering after the loss of her child. I read about grieving the death of a husband. All the stories of losing people and situations set me to thinking about the loss that led me to check out the book and the loss of Uber-Bitch and Baby shortly thereafter.

I've been a major part of Baby's life since Uber-Bitch told me she was pregnant and keeping the baby. I've been one of her primary caregivers the whole time, spending as much (frequently more) waking time with her than her mother. She has been an integral part of my life for over two years. And I miss her.

I miss the little things, like saying "Sure!" instead of yes or okay. I miss the big things, like hugs in the morning and stories in the afternoon. I hurt for all the things I won't get to be part of: first day of school, riding a bike, losing a tooth... prom, first kisses, graduation... I won't be there to cheer her on if she does sports or critique her stories if she writes. I won't be there to kiss boo-boos or sooth away nightmares. I won't be there to hold her when she is sick and watch her play when she is well. I just won't be there at all. I miss everything we've had over the past two and half years and I grieve for all the things I haven't had a chance to miss yet.

That led into thinking about the things I am grieving over the loss of Katy. Outside of the very real life she has lived inside my mind, I don't have all those little and big things to miss. I can't miss a smile I never saw or find myself using kidspeak words she created as a toddler. I can hurt from all the things I never got to experience with her. But really, having a baby at 17 would have caused so many complications and I never had to fight against those either. That's why they forced that choice on me in the first place.

Realizing the things I'm not grieving for made me wonder why, exactly, that event was so hideously traumatic for me. To the point of not being able to use the word. To the point of having a psychotic break where I was convinced she was real, alive, and part of my life as if it had never occurred. To the point that I fall apart from Easter until mid-June and walk a very fine line between choosing to live and allowing myself to die. What was it about that event that scarred me so deeply?

It's not that I am Pro-Life. I'm not - I believe a woman has a right to choose. I just believe it should be the WOMAN'S choice and not her family's. It's not because it ruined plans I had been making - I certainly did not plan to be pregnant at 16 and what happened allowed me to stay on track with the plans I had before I knew. It's not because I couldn't have children after her - I have four, exactly as I planned.

Is it just that I have allowed myself to get lost in a fantasy and I mourn the contents of that fantasy? Because I would never have generated that world if that "decision" hadn't ripped me apart. Why did that event break me?

My reflections on the topic brought me to the reason why I believe I the choice was wrong and I am dirty, evil, and unforgiveable. It wasn't MY choice. I didn't want that to happen but I wasn't strong enough to fight back. I didn't fight for that life that was growing inside of me. I let them control me and manipulate me to the point of not fighting and going along with them. To the point of marking NO the box on the form that asked if I was being forced or coerced into making the decision. And I will never, for as long as I live, be able to forgive myself for doing that.

Maybe the root of that trauma isn't so much about the life that was lost as about the reason for the loss. If it were just about the life, I would be crushed about the miscarriage I had between Kid-3 and Kid-4. I lost that baby too and that one was planned and fought for. It's not even about the procedure itself as I have no objections to women who who make that choice. It has to be about the reason I had it done.

Knowing Katy the way I do now may have come about because I didn't want to face that I had let things go that way. If I hadn't let them steamroll me, she would have been born and lived the life I remember so clearly. If I had been strong enough and good enough, I could have saved her.

Or I could be reading too much into that. Because being strapped to a table while faceless doctors painfully cut a baby out of me that I didn't want to let go of... that's pretty traumatic. Traumatic enough that the memory isn't mine but rather one of the Voices'. Traumatic enough that, combined with earlier traumas, I can't bear the thought of having a doctor do a female exam on me. I've had plenty of them while I was pregnant, out of necessity, but all of those memories are also from the Voices. I have most active PTSD symptoms from that than from my childhood situation.

It could be some of each, too. Or some other component I haven't unearthed yet. I dunno. Maybe some day I will figure it out, maybe I won't. Maybe it doesn't even matter.

Goodbye Baby!

2009-06-27T11:11:00.004-05:00

Uber-Bitch came by this morning with her daughter so that the kids could say goodbye. Originally she said in her email that she would rather not see me, but in discussions with family and friends, I decided to say fuck her and come out to see her anyways. And I'm so glad I did. I got a couple of great pictures of her with Kid-2, Kid-3 and Kid-4. (Kid-1 couldn't/wouldn't wake up to come out - late night at the cast party plus his normal strength night meds...) She ran up and down the front porch, squealing in delight at every little thing until she got transfixed by a group of teeny tiny ants. Then she had to tell everybody to come and look at the ants, repeatedly. She was adorable!

They had only been there about 5 minutes when Uber-Bitch called her daughter and told her it was time to go. (I love how on her blog she makes it sound like her leaving so quickly was our decision. LOL) We all gave her hugs. I held her close and she laid her head on my shoulder. I told her that I love her so very very much. I told her I would miss her so much. I told her to be brave and be strong and to be good for her mommy. And I let her go. She hugged Hubby and returned to her mother. They disappeared between the cars and that was the last I saw of her. Most likely, I will never see her in person again. By the time she is old enough to make that decision, I would guess Uber-Bitch will have moved back to Florida.

And it hurts. It hurts that Uber-Bitch is the way she is and that she would let things come to this. I worry that Baby will never know what it means to have a family. I worry about her having to spend 50 hours a week in daycare while her mother takes the time to hang out at Starbucks. I worry about Uber-Bitch's preference to simply feed her and put her bed any time she behaves in any way other than sweet and accommodating. I pray that she is strong enough to withstand her mother's nature to treat her like a toy to be played with when she wants to and ignored when she doesn't. Hopefully the daycare will be able to give her a rock to cling to since her mother is completely incapable of doing so. And I pray that I will hear from Baby again some day, despite her delusional mother.

Goodbye, Libby! We will miss you more than you know.
Goodbye, Charity! I won't miss the Uber-Bitch that you have become.

Make Yourself Proud

2009-06-24T22:59:00.003-05:00

When Kid-2 started middle school, I attended a parent orientation wherein they had us write a letter to our student and include a piece of advice for them. My advice to her was to strive to carry herself in a manner that will make her proud to look back on.

As I look back on the past couple of weeks, almost everything I did I can honestly say I am proud of. I took a couple of cheap shots in anger and pain ("Guests don't clean." and my comments to her blog last night after she accused me of sending the anonymous comment left by my oldest friend...)

Tonight I am truly proud of myself. I took the high road. Here is our exchange (via email). This is directly quoted except for the changes of names to protect my privacy.

Me:

I will make the house available for you to retrieve your possessions Friday morning between 9 am and noon. Please ring the doorbell when you arrive. Also, I have mail for you, including what appears to be paperwork for [her daughter's] medical insurance. I will be happy to turn them over to you upon the return of our house key.

[Kid-2], [Kid-3] and [Kid-4] would like very much to see you and say goodbye and set up a time to see and say goodbye to [her daughter]. Losing [her daughter] has been very traumatic for them and I would like to smooth the transition as much as possible. Can we be civil for their sake or should I arrange for them to be elsewhere on Friday morning?

She responded promptly with:

I have been trying to make arrangements to get everything all at once but do not at this point have enough manpower to collect everything at once. I will take as much as I can manage with [friend] and have to come back for the bed and the TV as they're simply too big for her truck and us to handle. I also have to look into possibly upgrading my storage unit to fit everything but am going to try and move things around a bit first to see if I can make room. I will let you know about those two items. I may have to pay to hire someone at this point but don't have the money. The rest - [her daughter's] bed, the chair, my boxes, the printer, her books and toys, and whatever clothes are left I'll take with me Friday. The desk you can keep since you paid for it and Kid-1 may want to use it.

The kids are fine. In regards to [her daughter], as far as I know they can see her on Saturday as I have no plans at this point. Just tell me when is a good time and whether you want to do it at the house or somewhere else.

I have not had a chance to change my address as of yet so you may receive more mail for me for another week while I work on updating various organizations or you can forward it to the office. I am trying to determine if I should get a PO box or not considering funds but will probably just change my address with the post office this week. I tried to do it online but wasn't able to.

Here is where I struggled. I wanted so badly to take the cheap shots and mention how she couldn't get anyone to help her. I wanted to be harsh and short and tell her to get her stuff out by a deadline or I would get rid of it myself. I wanted to be MEAN. I typed up my snippy reply and as I read it over, I thought about the advice I gave to Kid-2 and the subsequent prompt I sent out last night: "Look back. Can you say you are proud of what you see?" I thought about a parable that Kid-2 wrote in her creative writing class today about a kid and monk who shot each other and how, in her story, even though the monk had dedicated his life to peace and good and God, by disobeying God's orders and reacting in anger with violence, he undid all the good he had done and went to hell. And I deleted my catty message. Instead I sent this:

That's fine. I would prefer to have the room cleared no later than July 2. Let me know when you plan to come by so I can make appropriate arrangements. You are welcome to the desk. It is yours and even if there were questions about ownership, we do not need it. If it is a matter of storage space, I will make arrangements to get rid of it.

The kids will be out of town on Saturday afternoon for a wedding. Would Saturday morning work for you? I need to check on [Kid-4's] baseball schedule for that day but the others are leaving town by 11 am. I would suggest a different day but [Kid-1] leaves for camp Sunday morning and he also wishes to say goodbye to [her daughter]. I am amenable to any location with which you are comfortable.

One more thing: I want to say that I'm sorry it's come to this. I never meant for any of this to happen. I would never kick you and [her daughter] out abruptly and I'm truly sorry things got to where we could not tolerate each other at all. You were never a charity case to me; you were a sister and [her daughter] was like one of my own. I was never the one keeping score and that was not why I felt things had to change.

I'm truly happy that you have found a place that is working out for you. I wish you only the best for your future and I know you two are strong enough to move into that future with confidence. I'm glad you've made peace with what you feel is right and true. I have made my peace as well, albeit different than yours.

We will miss having you in our family and in our lives. I have not burdened the kids with your rejection of us, only told them that you and I had a fight and ended up saying things that neither of us will likely be able to forgive each other for. I made sure they know that they do not have choose between loving you and pleasing me. They have asked repeatedly if you and I will ever be friends again. My response to them has been that "ever" is a very long time but I doubt you will be in a position to want a friendship anytime in the foreseeable future.

Although you may not believe me now, and may never come a place where you will able to believe me, I loved you as a sister and care about you still. And [her daughter] will always have a treasured spot in my heart. If there is ever anything we can do for her, you know where to find us. Best of luck and we will see you on Friday.

And now, looking back, I can say I am proud. Although, like the monk in Kid-2's story, I had my moment of anger and longed to devastate her, I obeyed the instincts of my better self and did not retaliate against her painful and increasingly inaccurate blog posts. I took the high road and I am proud of myself. It will be interesting to see how she responds.

Only One Person to Blame

2009-06-23T10:18:00.002-05:00

The deluge of hateful diatribes continues as Uber-Bitch has narrowed her focus of blame. She says,

I no longer hate the world because I realize there's only one person to blame for this. I wish I could say it were me - then maybe the blame wouldn't be so huge. But I blame her for lying, for not communicating, for avoiding conflict in her typical fashion, for breaking her promises to tell me if something were wrong. I blame her completely for having a perception of reality so fucked up no one can make sense of it.

She has also decided that I did all of this to her intentionally out of spite caused from intense jealousy. Apparently I am jealous her life. She says,

Did it start with the supposed freedom of me being able to go to California and expand from there? It seems to horrible to think that but jealousy does crazy things to people. Here she is, stuck in this life she's miserable in, feeling without any control, and I'm right there in her living room, pursuing my dreams. Does she resent me as a result? For having the life she can't have?
[snip]
If even half of what I've guessed is correct, it would explain why she would feel like sabotaging me. As M has explained to me in the past, people will try to bring you back to their level if you try to surpass them (or something like that). It would also explain why there's no way in hell she'd ever admit to it and would need psychologically to change her reality to suit herself. It takes a really big person to admit when you're jealous of someone else.

Again the knife is twisted, just when I thought I could breathe again. The things she says that are complete rubbish hurt but they don't devastate. The most effective way to devastate me is to take the truth and twist it and corrupt it into something vile and corrosive then offer it up to me as reality. Because I recognize the kernel of truth, I will believe it all. Like a fish taking the hook with the worm, I will swallow the whole deal and it takes ripping my insides out to see the truth uncorrupted.

The most notable example of this is from my early childhood. These two statements were drilled into me: First off, we all have to do things we don't like. Secondly, when someone does something for you, you owe them something in return. And these things are true to a point so if I ever questioned them I received confirmation of their veracity. But those truths were corrupted, twisted, manipulated into justification for things no child should experience. And I swallowed it all as gospel truth. To this day I believe that those things happened because I made them happen.

Now I am faced with a piece of truth: Uber-Bitch has accused me sabotaging her out of jealousy, jealousy over her doing what I wished I could. And I was jealous. I did harbor some resentment towards her. Certainly not enough to sabotage her and it is laughable to think that I would generate this situation out of overt or suppressed jealousy. But it was there and I was aware of it.

After 13 years of waiting, planning and trying, I finally set it up and arranged to go back to school in the fall. I was over the moon with excitement, a little bummed at having to wait until fall, but genuinely excited. And the Uber-Bitch decided she wanted to go back to school, too. She figured that now was the best time because she did have room and board covered and she couldn't work her business any harder than she was. The benefits of going back to school and possibly getting her degree (which she subsequently upgraded to definitely getting her degree) outweighed the drawbacks, namely all the extra time she would need and the student loans she would rack up. Not only did she decide to go back, she found she could take out loans and make it happen right away.

Because I had decided to go back to school, so did she. Except she would be doing it "better" because she could do what I couldn't. Until she got daycare arranged, I also felt like we were having to pick up the slack from her following my dream. Even after day care was set up, it seemed like she was spending a lot less time on her business and that the only time she wanted to be around her daughter was when she was experimenting with things she learned in her parenting class. But what set the resentment level to "grinding teeth" was when she began judging my parenting skills based on her class and deciding she knew everything and I was doing it all wrong. Regardless of whether she was right (and she prolly was) I felt attacked by her judgments and by her going back to school before me (which felt like a passive-aggressive method of showing me up).

Was I jealous? Yes. Did I resent her? Yes. Did I refuse to admit it because I am weak and mentally fragile? No. I talked it over with two or three different people, decided I was being unreasonable and that she did not mean any of it as an attack. And I set it aside, sometimes gritting my teeth at her newfound "parenting skills" but always supporting and encouraging her. Did I sabotage her because of the green-eyed monster? No. I was proud of her for doing what she thought was the best way to make a life for her and her daughter and for trying her best to learn and apply better parenting skills.

So it comes down to this, reading how she is blaming me and me alone for ruining her life by sabotaging it because I am so jealous of her succeeding. I know that I didn't sabotage her. But I was jealous and resentful. What if I sabotaged her subconsciously? What if the reason I let her escalate a minor spat into irreparable harm was because, subconsciously, I wanted to get rid of her?

This whole disaster came about because she thought I was suddenly kicking her out over an issue she didn't know existed. She has pushed, pulled, and twisted things to where she thinks I wanted to kick her out for a long time and hid behind the doctor to finally make it happen. She thought it was because I felt used and that the relationship was one-sided and has since decided it's because I'm blinded by jealousy over "freedom" that I perceive her as having and me as lacking.

But none of that was ever my intention. I was trying to tell her that, because of irreconcilable differences between her and Kid-1, I wanted her to start actively trying to find somewhere else to live. Up until the Med-Shrink ordered me to get her out of the house in 1 week or less, I wanted her and her daughter there. It actually made it easier for both of us - less juggling of evening schedules - for them to be here.

And I hadn't stopped being her friend because I wasn't doing things with her. I fall apart from Easter through mid-June and it's a struggle to keep myself alive - I didn't have the energy for her drama let alone with the added resentment I felt. Given time, it would have resolved itself. By the end of June her parenting class would have been over and my dark spell would have passed. But she needed attention immediately and I couldn't give it to her.

As for her friend and her therapist saying I have gone off the deep end, I have to infer that is a direct result of what information she gave them. When I downgraded her household status to "guest" (admittedly because I was hurt from reading that she had no more interest in fixing our relationship), she interpreted it as my saying I wanted her out because she didn't do enough. She posted her huge laundry list of things that she "tried" to do (her justification of why the relationship wasn't one-sided and if it was it's all my fault) and while most of them are exaggerated or complete BS, some of them are flat-out true. (I don't do the amount of housework that I should.)

My instinct is to go through her posts, especially that list, and defend myself even though I know there is absolutely no point. But when it comes right down to it, she had missed the heart of it all, she hadn't understood a single thing about what it is to be a family or to be part of a family. The fact that she even kept a running tally is evidence of her not learning a thing from us trying to include her as one of the family. Because of her background, she is too damaged to understand the concepts and too ego-centric to know she even missed the boat.

As the vitriol continues and grows ever crueler, I have asked myself why I still read it. The answer is that the slings and arrows she launches at me are far less painful than not knowing what she is accusing me of. She knows me well enough to have plunged her knife into all of my weaknesses but at least with them out in the open I can point them out to friends and family and dissect the validity of them, thereby seeping much of the power from them. It also gives me tangible proof that I am not paranoid for fearing she thinks these things.

One surprise unintended consequence of this fiasco... my friends and family have rallied behind me and gone out of their way to show their support. I haven't given the kids details because I don't want them to have to choose sides but aside from them whose opinion I don't have, every single person I know has said that I am in the right, that I did the right thing, and that they are proud of me. All sorts of stories about things she has done are surfacing that, while extremely painful, reinforce that this break is in the best interests of me and my family. Because of their support, I am more confident in my overall position (though I readily admit to the things I screwed up as well).

I am the one, singular person to blame here? Not by a long shot. But if we are weighing this out to cast blame, her mis-deeds and misperceptions are far greater and far deeper than mine. It's a shame she will never see any of that - she doesn't have the opportunity to learn valuable lessons from this. She will be reinforcing her victim mentality and putting herself on a high pedestal while I have learned a lot about rescuing vs helping, enabling, communication skills and fighting fair. It truly is her loss all the around.

Finding the Silver Lining

2009-06-22T17:41:00.002-05:00

Even through the heartbreak, I struggle to find the good that will come of this situation. Here's what I've found so far:

Top Ten Reasons to Happy About This:

1. No more guilt trips for not having the energy to go places with Uber-Bitch
2. No more biting my tongue over UB's-Kid sleep habits.
3. Get to sleep in again
4. No more baby-proofing everything
5. Kid-1 gets his own room back
6. Kid-2 won't be frequently woken up at night by UB's-Kid
7. No more resentment over Uber-Bitch going to school
8. No more worrying about who will be home for UB's-Kid
9. Grocery bills go down a lot.
10.No more defending Uber-Bitch's behaviors constantly

Maybe if I keep telling myself this is a good thing, eventually I'll believe it.....

Outsider Reactions

2009-06-22T14:50:00.002-05:00

I have shared what happened with all of my close friends and family, including the posts from her blog where she is bashing me and saying I'm unstable and that this is all my fault, etc. I originally went to her blog to get her side of things, to make sure that I was doing the right thing. What I found there shocked me so thoroughly that I refused to believe it days. But it just kept getting worse.

I printed out several of the entries and showed it around. I read it to The Shrink who said she had gone to an extreme reaction that was disproportionate with the circumstances. I had my Guardian Angel read it and he found no merit in. I had Hubby read it and he was alternating between incredulous that she would claim such things and spitting mad at the lies. But when she posted a list of reasons why she is in the right and I am in the wrong, I couldn't tolerate it any longer. That's when I sent the email followed immediately by her leaving.

Her departure happened on Father's Day. As devastated as I was (am), I had a hard time calming down enough to go to the In-Laws for the day. I tried to call The Shrink but as it was not only Sunday but also Father's Day, I didn't put much stock in him calling back in a timely manner. So I stuffed it all down as far inside as I could muster, back behind The Wall that protects me from me, and I went to the in-laws.

Being around people was difficult. All I could think about was Uber-Bitch. The kids never got to say goodbye to Uber-Bitch's daughter and I will never see her again either. I felt guilty at how relieved I was to have it over. The parable of the snake hovered over me like a tangible cloud. I did this. I did this to my family and to myself. I picked up the snake, knowing full-well what kind of person she is and choosing to accept her and love her and support her exactly how she is. What did I think would happen?! How could I have believed that making her part of my family would teach her how to be family?

After a while at the in-laws, The Shrink called me back. I was impressed that he called at all but at the sound of his voice, the pain and guilt and anger flooded back and threatened to overwhelm me. I hid in the front room and lay down, using my headache as an excuse. While I "slept", Hubby told them what happened. He showed them my email to Uber-Bitch and told them about the content of her blog posts.

Their reactions were unanimous and vehement - I did the right thing and in the right way. In additional, there were varying degrees of anger and shock at her audacity. They all support me 100%. That helped and after hiding out for a few hours I was able to rejoin them and even smile once or twice.

Hubby also told The Neighbors and showed them the emails and told them about the blog. They too are behind me 100% and think she must be delusional. My mother and my Daddy are both glad she is gone and offered support. My Guardian Angel, of course, is proud of me for finally standing up for myself. And when I told Writer-Friend about it, she actually cheered that I had finally "gotten rid of" Uber-Bitch. The Shrink told me she had reacted to an extreme and that she should never have moved in and felt strongly enough about me talking to her about moving out that he was willing to call and talk to her himself. And the Med-Shrink is the one who started this whole crisis.

Everyone I have spoken to or that has been told is completely behind me, without exception. Even the kids are upset at losing Uber-Bitch's daughter but only Kid-2 (who was close to Uber-Bitch) has said a word about Uber-Bitch herself. To date, that is twelve adults (not counting Hubby and myself) that think I have done the right thing in the right way.

On the other hand, Uber-Bitch's version of her own guardian angel apparently said I wasn't behaving rationally. From the next couple of sentences, though, it seems he was referring to whether or not we had a one-sided relationship. (For the record, I never said we had a one-sided relationship, just that I gave her everything I have to give.) It seems, too, that her original therapist said we have a toxic relationship and that I am bad news. Nothing in her posts indicate whether the current therapist has weighed in on right/wrong or joined the blame game. I also haven't read about any reactions from her boss-type-person or her one other friend that she is close to. So maybe she feels like everyone that she has talked to is on her side.

Which brings me to the following statement in her blog:

I also wonder if deep down she doesn't know how wrong she is in all of this. I mean, if I really deserved to be kicked out on the street, if she really believed that, I would think she would have done it. Even her. I've seen her when she's truly angry and know she's capable of it. Which makes me think that she knows that I haven't done anything worth that kind of action in this situation.

Well, first of all, I didn't (and wouldn't ever) kick her out on the street. But beyond that, I am drowning in self-doubt. But beyond that I can't help but wonder if the people I have told support me because I have only given them my side of the story. Am I the one at fault here? As I read some of her posts, it struck me how I was feeling exactly the same way - only about her. I feel like she is completely delusional for thinking the things she apparently does but what if I am the one who delusional as she keeps saying?

She says that I am going to wake up and realize she is gone and that I will all alone. In my email to her I addressed that. I said, "You said that I am going to wake up and realize you are gone and I will be alone... I think you need to take a long hard look at that, "Shelley". Look at my life then look at your life and tell me again who is going to wake up and realize she's destroyed her relationship with the only person who would take her in and love her unconditionally despite all of the shit in each of our lives.

Her blog response was not directed to my reading eyes but here is what she said:

She says of course that I'm the one who will be lonely and alone but what she fails to realize is that I've been alone my whole life. It's absolutely nothing new and she didn't show me or give me anything I couldn't do without. However, years from now when her kids are grown and gone about their lives and her husband is tired of putting up with her mental illness, she will be the one who is sad and alone. I, on the other hand, am completely used to it. In fact, I rarely expect anything else. And I guarantee, the rest of my life, no one will ever do this to me again.

To be honest, I almost laughed when I read this. She really does have no clue whatsoever. It's very obvious that we both think the other one is going to regret destroying the relationship. And we both think the other one is in the wrong. We both feel like we had to defend the other to MY family and friends and that we gave the other more than should have been expected. For agreeing on so much, we agree on nothing. We are each firmly convinced that we did the right thing and we each have people who say we are right. So how do I know that I'm am actually in the right? I feel it and people say it's true but still.......?

Oh yeah, one more piece of information has surfaced. When I was in the hospital in December, Hubby's Mom and Aunt came over to clean the house so it would be nice when I came home. Apparently Uber-Bitch spent the entire time bashing me horribly to them. She went on and on about all the things I was doing wrong or not doing. And yet she still claims that she defended me to them. This was WAY before any of this happened. My own best friend was spitting venom at me all along. A new dimension has been added to my heartbreak.

Off the Reservation

2009-06-22T13:18:00.003-05:00

Things have come to a head and then exploded. I could no longer tolerate the spewage coming from User-Bitch's blog and sent her the following email:

I tried to leave this as a comment but it was too long...

I have been trying VERY VERY VERY hard not to go on the defensive here and spend all my time arguing about your interesting perspective on things. I understand that your background forces you to see things a certain way and long ago gave up thinking you would see the world around you in the same way that I or anyone else I know does. That's who you are and that's fine.

But I am going to say this one time and let you do with it what you will. I was ALWAYS your friend. For the past decade-plus I have ALWAYS had your back. I have fought for you, I have sacrificed for you, I have supported you unconditionally no matter where your life took you. I gave you EVERYTHING I have emotionally, logistically, financially. I thought I was being a good friend, a good sister. I have tried with everything in me to give you a family that you could be part of.

You have thrown this back at me. For all practical purposes, you have spit in my face, insulted everything that I am, everything that I do, everything that I tried to share with you. You never tried to hide your utter contempt for me and my life and I tried for years and years to find excuses for you. I was your friend, your sister, your rock, right up until your post "Friends and Priorities" when you stated point blank that you were done with our relationship. I was willing to move past you calling my son a manipulative bastard because I know you were angry and that you hate him (regardless of how you protest, your behavior speaks to the contrary).

You have done nothing but vent hateful feelings and inaccurate assumptions since I tried to tell you that I need you to work on finding another place. Up until the doctor told me point blank that I am in a co-dependent relationship with you that is adversely affecting [Kid-1's] mental well-being and that I should get you out sooner than immediately, I was perfectly content to have you and [her daughter] stay until you were ready to go. I thought things could be handled by simply keeping you and [Kid-1] apart. But when I tried to tell you that, you went immediately on the defensive, wouldn't listen to what I was saying, and shifted all blame for all things onto [Kid-1]. You quickly shifted that to include me and anyone else that wasn't you.

You can accuse me of all the BULLSHIT that you want to: being two-faced, never being your friend, "replacing" you, betraying you, doing this deliberately to stress you out. And you can choose to never trust me again and choose to not invest any more in our friendship. That is your choice and ultimately your problem. But I held onto our friendship until you declared that I wasn't worth being friends with. I REFUSE to continue to give you my entire heart and soul now that you have made your contempt so blatantly clear.

You said that I am going to wake up and realize you are gone and I will be alone... I think you need to take a long hard look at that, [User-Bitch's pen name]. Look at my life then look at your life and tell me again who is going to wake up and realize she's destroyed her relationship with the only person who would take her in and love her unconditionally despite all of the shit in each of our lives. You wished you could be the kind of person who uses others? You got your wish. It just took me this long to realize that I was enabling your destructive behavior instead of helping you.

I am willing to be friends with you. And I am willing to give you what help I can but no longer will I bend over backwards to accommodate you when you hold nothing but contempt for me and mine. As for what I am doing to my god-daughter whom I "supposedly love", I love [her daughter] like one of my own. I always have. I nearly had my own children taken away from me to keep from letting her and you down. Knowing that you will take her away, poison her against me, and I will never see her again breaks my heart. But you did get one thing right - I chose [Kid-1] over you when YOU forced me to make a choice. Were you my own biological flesh and blood, I would ALWAYS choose my children over you or anyone else in existence.

YOU did this. Go ahead and blame me. Blame everyone but yourself - you always do. Blame whoever you need to blame in order to get yourself through the night. Tell yourself you did more than enough here. Tell yourself we expected too much. Tell yourself how you work yourself to the bone and have a golden work ethic. Go ahead if that's what you need to make it through another day. But don't think for one moment I will be the only one losing out because you have shattered our friendship.

Knew upon sending it that our friendship was irreparable. But I had known long before this email that our friendship was over. The horrible things she has been saying in her blog... We could never completely recover from something like that. Had I sat back and taken it and gone crawling to her begging her forgiveness and telling her how right she was and how awful I am... then we might have kept our friendship going, albeit not the same way. But I was not about to do that because it isn't true. The vomit she is writing on her blog is completely distorted and in some cases factually inaccurate. It had reached a point where I had to stand up for myself and my family.

It came as no surprise that the next morning (Sunday - Father's Day) she packed up a few things and left for good. What did come as a surprise is that she didn't give the kids a chance to say goodbye to Libby. I broke it to them as gently as I could and I did not cast blame anywhere although I did make sure they knew that I didn't, nor would I ever, "kick them out" as she told someone over the phone. She always plays the victim...

After she left, when I had a chance to check my email, this was her reply:

You are so far off the reservation that it would be funny if it weren't so disastrous. You have completely lost your mind and I'm not even going to bother trying to debate anything with you. I NEVER want to see or speak to you again. Libby and I are leaving today as soon as I can make arrangements. I will collect my stuff and move it into storage hopefully next weekend if I can find enough people to help me move it.

I would love to link to her blog here so that anyone who wants to can read it. But a direct link from here would allow her to trackback to this blog, which she does not have the URL at this point. I would hate for her to try to use the things I post here as ammunition against me and she is just angry enough to do exactly that. So I will simply cut and paste the parts that I need to refer to. If someone wants the URL to read her blog, leave me a comment.

A few things that I find notable... she has decided that I have become mentally unstable and that is why all of this has happened. In her writing.com blog she says,

Please note, as of today, I am moving into a homeless shelter. My former best friend has become mentally unstable (or at least that's the only thing I can assume because anything else is simply too awful) and I'm being forced to leave. I have no financial resources at this time to do anything else but hope to have an apartment in August.

She is putting her two year old daughter through the hell of living in a homeless shelter for two months because she is so angry with me. This is yet another example of how she always always ALWAYS puts her own needs and feelings ahead of other people, even her own daughter. She will sometimes think about others' opinions and needs but ultimately she doesn't care and what she wants is what she does. And yet I'm the one who is mentally unstable.

Another interesting thing to note is that she has moved into a homeless shelter. She isn't staying with friends till she can get an apartment. I have to wonder if that is because no one would take her in if she refused to ask anyone. If I had to guess, I would say she let everyone know about her situation, playing up the "poor victim me" side of it, and no one offered her a place to stay, even knowing where they have now ended up. It's possible that someone offered and she said no, after all I caused her to lose faith in humanity and never make another friend. Still, for her daughter's sake, I would have thought she would suck up her pride and accept a roof over their heads. Then again, everything she does "for her daughter's sake" is actually for her own sake so why should this be different?

Anger Ebbed

2009-06-17T22:22:00.003-05:00

The anger has ebbed from the raw destructive force that nearly overwhelmed me earlier today. It has settled over me like a woolen blanket on a summer night: itchy, hot, suffocating, unwelcome, stealing my hopes of rest or peace. BFNM's tag reads, "Moving on - [BFNM's-Kid]'s doing great, work is going well, and school is getting easier finally. Moving into my own place in the fall finally"

Finally is right. When she moved in here last September, I thought she would be out before the first frost. Then she bumped it to early spring. Then to late spring. Then by the end of the summer. Then we briefly talked about her staying for a long time and trying to get her to integrate into the family structure better. Then she decided to go back to school and all talks of when she would be gone stopped happening. Her moving in here was supposed to be a stop-gap measure, a brief respite as she looked for a new job and a new place. But she didn't find a new job so couldn't find a new place.

I know this whole situation is my fault. I set it up and I let it happen and I asked for it. In my attempts to rescue her, I set up an unhealthy dynamic. I was trying to help, I really was, but all I did was bring home a snake.

And now I fear that this is the story of my life. That everything she said about me is true and it isn't her perspective that is laughably off base but my own. Of course the Shrink agrees with me; he only gets my side of the story. Of course Hubby and my friends and relatives agree with me; I probably pervert the truth somehow when relating it to them as well, making myself look good at her expense somehow.

By The Shrink was dead on today as I was leaving. He said I would go through a bunch of emotions once the numbness wore off. He said I would get angry and hurt and confused and feel guilty and lost. He said to sit with it (his infuriating response for all emotional responses, especially those I don't like) and stay present, to not be reduced to self-harm and to call if I end up in crisis mode. I told him those usually happen late at night when all the distractions of the day are gone and there is no one around to be hurt by my actions and that I almost called him but figured he wouldn't appreciate a midnight phone call so I didn't. He didn't disabuse me of the notion that it would be intrusive and over-stepping boundaries. I mentioned again after he said to call in a crisis that he wouldn't want me to call at midnight when they usually occur and again he didn't tell me to go ahead and call then if I really need to. I take that to mean I am right and that calling at that time wouldn't go over well. I'm sorry, all crises must occur during normal business hours...

And, for the record, I don't WANT to stay present, to sit with these emotions. I hurt, I hate, I ache... I want to give in the call of the knife. The only thing stopping me is that if I get caught I will be perceived as manipulative. It will come across as trying to "get even" with BFNM rather than the expression of utter disgust with myself and the desire to distract from the emotional pain with physical pain. At least physical pain "makes sense" - if one has a deep gash in one's arm, it is logical that it hurts. No one can see a deep gash in my heart and soul; they don't understand that those hurt too, worse sometimes.

What's so wrong with it anyways? So long as it isn't bad enough to cause medical complications, who is it hurting if it relieves some of my psychic pain? And whose business is it what I do with my own body if I'm not hurting anyone else? Like anyone would even know so long as I was careful - it's not like they would be able to tell by how I act. They don't see obvious signs, let alone subtle ones.

GRRR! I hate this!! I am defensive and angry and hurt and embarrassed and frustrated and confused and lost and hopeless and pathetic and useless and I HURT!!! I am back to that confusing repetitive thought: I wanna go home. Except I am home. And there is no where that satisfies that longing; the closest I can come is cocooned in my bed alone in the dark and quiet stillness.

I wanna go home.
I wanna go home.
I wanna go home.
I wanna go home.
I wanna go home.
I wanna go home.
I wanna go home.
I wanna go home.
I wanna go home.

The End of an Era

2009-06-17T13:52:00.005-05:00

Things are finally over. I have lost all respect for my "best friend" and all hope that she will ever have any clue about anything. I don't know yet what to call her here, since BFF is so far off the mark that it's ridiculous. Maybe BFNM (best friend no more - Kid-2 taught me that acronym) will work for now. "Ungrateful Bitch" is just too long to type every time. (Nor is it entirely accurate. She tried to be grateful. I simply asked more of her than she was capable of giving.)

I realized that there was no going back when I read her blog post title "Forgiveness" in which she magnanimously says she can forgive me for a host of things:

I can forgive [her] for the way she approached the situation. It was not handled as well as it could have been, by either of us. I flew off the handle and she approached it wrong. But we're all human. She probably thought to reassure me that I wasn't being kicked out but it backfired. I can only assume that but regardless, I can forgive her for communicating poorly about a difficult topic. I've been there.

I can forgive her for not spending enough time being my friend. But I don't have to open myself up to that hurt again. I can choose not to invest any more into the relationship.

I can forgive her for having a very difficult mental illness that affects her on a daily basis. But I don't need to be responsible for handling her, her family, or the household when that happens.

I can be civil to her, now that I'm not completely angry but trusting her is a different story and is what I'm battling with the most.

And now, when push comes to shove, I can forgive BFNM for this. But I cannot and will not be a part of it any longer. From the moment our relationship went beyond close friends talking online and into the realm of rescuing her from one situation after another, I have had to defend her from my friends, my family, my therapists, and my doctors. And I'm done. Sometimes it takes a harsh reality check to see what was always in front of my face. The fact is, all of those people who I swore just didn't know her like I did... they were all correct about her from the first.

From day one I have supported her. I have always had her back, no matter where that back ended up. From the moment she said she was running from her bastard ex and moving up here, I have given her my support with everything I have in me. I have given her time, energy, money, clothing, food, shelter, babysitting... anything I had to offer was hers for the taking and take she did. I have - quite literally - given her the shirt off my back. I also gave her my heart and my trust, opening up to her like I hadn't opened up to anyone since my best friend from high school and I went our separate ways. I gave her everything.

I can see now that I was rescuing, not helping. I began to see this a while ago as I began trying to set boundaries in my life. I realized specifically how last week when I was reading about the difference between rescuing and helping in my hospice volunteer training workbook. I remember being excited because I had learned a more effective way of helping.

Now it is too late. I am done helping or rescuing her. I was pleasantly surprised to find I can be perfectly cordial to her, even while fighting the urge to jump up from the floor and throttle her.

I am so angry with her right now! At the same time, I am violently angry with myself. At the hospital they always play this video tape from the 80s about co-dependence. There is a story/metaphor in it that I am going to paraphrase here:

A woman finds a venomous snake nearly frozen in the snow. Feeling sorry for it and not wanting it to die, she carefully picks it up and takes it home. She sets it on the hearth and builds a fire to warm it. She goes into the kitchen and pores the last of her milk into a bowl, which she warms and takes to the snake. Gently she spoon feeds the snake the warm milk in front of the fire and slowly the snake begins to revive.

Then the snake bites her, injecting its deadly venom into her. As she lay dying, she asks the snake, "Why? Why did you do this to me? After everything I did for you, how could you betray me this way?"

The snake looks at her coldly and replies, "You knew I was a poisonous snake when you picked me up. Why did you expect I would do anything else?"

I hear that woman and that snake as I go over and over and over this in my mind. I am so shocked and hurt and betrayed by her behavior, by her thought processes. After everything I have done for her, all the unwaivering, unconditional support I have pored into her... how could it have come to this?! And I hear the snake from the story, cold and unabashed, telling me I knew who she was from the beginning so what did I expect...

Therein lies the dual sources of anger. At her for this betrayal and at myself for rescuing instead of helping and being surprised and hurt when the bottom dropped out. The more time that passes, the more that anger points to the true culprit, me. I set this up. I asked for it. And I got what I deserved.

What if all the "helping" I have done is just rescuing and unhelpful? What if I am ruining my kids' lives as BFNM has implied throughout her blog? What if all the "good" I thought I was doing actually isn't good at all? DAMN! I don't want to be here!! I would pray for God to take me away, but He would simply laugh at me or ignore me.

Worse Than I Thought

2009-06-16T23:11:00.000-05:00

I don't generally read BFF blog. In fact, I never read her blog. Part of it is that I never read most people's blogs anymore. Partly it's because anything important we generally talk about. A huge part of it is that it feels like intruding. I see the other side of this fence and when I read her side of it, I am shocked at how different it is. Frequently, I am also severely irritated by it.

Since all hell broke loose Sunday night, I have been meaning to check it, to get her side of things. I wanted to know where she was coming from, how she could possibly justify her behavior. So, tonight I finally went and looked.

It was so much worse than I thought. The things she said, the way she said them... my first reaction was utter disbelief. I had a brief flare of anger at her nerve for saying what she did. I really wanted to argue with her about the things she said - defend myself against some of her ridiculous statements. Then it was like a lightbulb burning out - that brief moment where everything gets too bright followed by the plunge into darkness and complete with the POP that sometimes accompanies the burnout.

Now everything is numb. I read and read and read, all the way back to where I was last following it in early April, before Easter. Intellectually I have assimilated what she wrote. Emotionally I feel nothing. My head is about to go Chernobyl but my soul is empty. Typically this is a warning sign of impending severe dissociation. I hope to keep my grip as I have my Shrink and Med-Shrink visits tomorrow and the Shrink is vehemently opposed to my dissociation and I'm already nervous about the Med-Shrink.

A Week of Hell Days

2009-06-13T10:58:00.002-05:00

Sunday: police called to contain Kid-1 in rage that bruised me up and down

Monday: grandpa died

Tuesday: Kid-1's med-shrink calls for drastic measures (jail for Kid-1 if repeats and ousting BFF and Kid-5 with 1 week notice even if they end up on the street)

Wednesday: freak out in the Shrink's office. viewing of grandpa; Kid-4 freaks out about death concept

Thursday: good friend had surgery for a brain tumor (her kids stayed at our house Wed/Thurs)

Friday: grandpa's memorial dinner; Kid-1 gets appendicitis

Saturday: Kid-1's appendix removed

What Would You Say?

2009-06-07T20:15:00.003-05:00

What would you say if I said that the guy I am living with has such a bad temper that he goes off into fits of rage, screaming obscenities and violently striking out at anyone who tries to come near him or talk to him or stop him? What would you say if I told you that the fit he had earlier this week resulted in a nasty bruise on my arm, deep into the muscle, and an ugly one on my shin?

What if this wasn't the first time? What if, in fact, it has been happening a lot recently? What if today it got so bad that I had to call the police on him and that I am covered in bruises up and down my arms, my legs, my stomach and my head? And that after the cops left, he started up again?

Would it make a difference if I told you he is really sweet when he isn't angry? Or that he apologizes profusely once he's calmed down? That he feels really bad every time I wince in pain when he hugs on a bruise?

How about if I told you that he doesn't mean to hurt me? That he has bipolar disorder and when he goes into a rage, he can't think clearly? That all the intelligence goes out of his eyes when he gets to that point and that he is truly incapable of rational thought? That he doesn't take his meds unless reminded and even then gets seriously pissy about it? That even when he takes them, his meds are off and he is working with his doctor to get them straight but so far he has gone into a violent rage 5 times in the past 6 days?

But here's the kicker...

Would it change things if I said that this guy I'm talking about is my 13 year old son?

Painting: Freedom Goes Up in Flames

2009-05-31T21:13:00.005-05:00

This is the first painting I completed in acrylics. It is titled "Freedom Goes Up in Flames" and yes, that is an airplane with flames. I have been surprised to hear the wide variety of interpretations people have come up when looking at it. There were some surprises and some reactions that I completely expected. I got a bigger kick out of hearing what they thought it meant than I did out of explaining what I intended it to symbolize.

So, as a little experiment, I want to hear your interpretations. Go ahead and go now to the comments, drop me a note and tell me what you see. I want to assure you that there are no right or wrong answers. Whatever you see, whether you are spot on or come up with something I had never considered, it is a valid opinion and I would be honored to hear it. Go on! Leave me a comment - don't make me beg! - then come back and read where my head was when I painted it...

LINK TO THE COMMENTS SECTION

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What I Meant:

Like I said, this is titled, "Freedom Goes Up in Flames" and it is the first painting I completed in the new acrylics. The important parts of this painting are the colors as each color corresponds to a specific emotional response I had during an incident at an airport.

BFF and Kid-5 took a cross-country vacation via airplane. They flew out from the airport that is a few hours from our house because of the drastic price difference. To that end, I got to play chauffeur and take them to the airport (and pick them up again 5 days later). The whole of the month before they left, BFF worried and stressed and fussed about the details of managing this trip across the country by herself with a 2 year old in tow. The entire week preceding the departure was filled with tension and anxiety and the actual morning that we left should have turned us both grey-haired and sent us into straight-jackets for life. We were late getting out, got lost on the way (stupid GPS sent us to the wrong place!) Finally we arrived at the airport, got checked in and headed to the security checkpoint.

As I watched them walk away, I felt my emotions swirling like a cloud of colors. This might be in part because I had just started painting and colors were in the front of my mind. As I paid attention to the emotions/colors, they seemed to settle into images so that I could paint them. And paint them I did...

First I felt this strange combo of worry (how would she handle Kid-5 all by herself on the planes?) and excitement (they are going to have so much fun!) It created that gray-green color of the grass and (pardon the pun) laid the groundwork for the whole thing.

So close on the heels of the worry/excitement that they seemed almost simultaneous, the relief washed over me. In my mind, this became a bright periwinkle. It became the sky in this painting, though I didn't quite capture the color - not purple enough to be truly periwinkle.

Following the relief, a sense of fatigue swirled through me. Not just fatigue, chronic fatigue, the kind that is ever-present and seems to stretch forward into eternity with the promise of never completely going away. This became the gray-tan road.

At this point, I could no longer see BFF and Kid-5; they had passed beyond my line of sight towards the gate. I turned around to go back into the high, open area of the terminal. We had been running late arriving and so had not had time to look around at all the shops and restaurants and the gorgeous view out the wall of glass. Curiosity bubbled up, a bright yellow feeling that swirled around itself and lit up my mood. Thus the sun found a place in my painting.

My eyes roamed the terminal, taking in all the sights. Movement outside the two-story glass window drew my attention. I watched a plan launch itself into the sky. As bright blue as Tom Bombadil's eyes, freedom launched itself into my consciousness and completely filled my thoughts. I was free. I didn't have to be anywhere or do anything. No kids were whining at me; no house scolded me in its need to be cleaned. The light on Mom's taxi read "OFF-DUTY" and my time and my energy were my own to command. The desire to jump on a plane and disappear overwhelmed me. I stood rooted in the terminal, wondering where I could go and which ticket counter to try first. I took a step towards the escalators to go buy a ticket with the image of a bright blue airplane lifting off settling onto the painting forming in my mind.

I didn't even land that first step when reality struck. I couldn't get on a plane. I couldn't afford a plane ticket, let alone what came after it. And my time wasn't my own; the schedule, even with Kid-5 off my books, remained packed. I had obligations, responsibilities, commitments. A weighty shadow settled over me, killing the sudden emotional high I had just experienced. This became the shadow on the ground: I was tethered to the ground - not free at all. It became the jetwash behind the plane: this shadow follows me no matter where I go.

As my mood crashed with the realization that the freedom I briefly deluded myself into thinking I had was, in fact, a delusion, other emotions joined the color-swirl. I felt angry, resentful, frustrated and disappointed that my idea had crashed and burned. The negative feelings threatened to consume me as the flames threaten the plane.

My freedom had gone up in flames.

A few things to note about this painting. First, and most important, is that despite being engulfed in flames and representing an experience that ended negatively, the plane is still flying UP. It isn't plummeting to the ground. This is the stubborn streak of optimism that can be found in even the most depressing of my pieces. It is also representative of the fact that, if I had truly wanted to, I could have possessed that freedom. I could have gone to the ticket counter and purchased a ticket to somewhere, gotten onto a plane and taken off without notice or planning or forethought. Despite the shadowy weights, I could still have forced my freedom.

Another thing about it: this was my first attempt at mixing acrylic colors. Thought I wasn't able to reproduce two of the colors from my head onto the canvas, most of the colors I ended up with worked alright. In fact, given my lack of experience (let alone instruction) in visual art, I am pretty proud of this painting. No one questioned what I had depicted: an airplane taking off into a blue sky, consumed with flames, its shadow cast on the grass below and leaving a trail behind it. Interpretations varied wildly (and fascinating to listen to!) but the objects themselves were not called into doubt.

How and Why I Paint

2009-05-30T23:24:00.002-05:00

I think I mentioned that I have started painting. It feels strange to me that now, at 30-mumblemumble, I am taking up painting, an endeavor that I have never really contemplated before. But now that I've started, I love it! Like most of my writing, I don't do it for others. I am not really interested in becoming a world-renowned artist. I don't care if my paintings look like they were done by a hyperactive three year old. I don't paint to practice or improve my technique. Painting is, for me, a form of therapy. I really wish I knew more about art therapy so I could maximize the potential of this newfound passion. Eventually I will find a resource to do this but for now, I paint things that mean something to me.

Truth be told, I started painting as a self-defense mechanism. The fact is, I am a cutter. Yes, there it is, admitted out loud on a public medium. Go ahead and judge me; I don't care what someone reading this thinks. Okay, I do care what people think but not enough to not put this "out there". Here it is again: I am a cutter. I cut and burn when I reach a certain threshold of stress, anger, or pain. I've done a lot of reading about people who do this paradoxical behavior. Turns out there are a lot of people who engage in self-harm behaviors and there are plenty of reasons they do it.

General Info on Self-Harm

The most prevalent seems to be a desire to feel something, anything, like it affirms that they are still alive despite feeling detached and disconnected from everything around them. Another extremely common effect, and this typically overlaps with the prior one, is a sense of release. All those emotions pile up in a person, creating this unbearable pressure. Cutting (or other self-harm behaviors) generates a release of this pressure, an outlet for the storm of feelings inside them. For some, causing tangible physical harm to themselves can actually be a way of avoiding committing suicide. There is also the matter of the body's physiological response to injury, such the release of natural chemicals that function as pain killers and heightened awareness of their surroundings.

Cutters can get trapped in a psychological cycle that has been likened to (and debatably even labeled as) addictive. The psychological pain and pressure build up in the person until they start to numb everything around them yet feel as if they are going to explode and evaporate into the ethereal. To relieve the pressure and reassure themselves that they are still alive and are still human, they self-harm. With the self-harm comes a powerful emotional and physical release, like taking a deep breath after being submerged in water a little too long. In the moment, the body pumps chemicals, the mind can relax, and the pain is transformed from a shadow on their soul to a more external, tangible injury. In the moment, their equilibrium feels restored. The problem here is that The Moment doesn't last. Like a drug fix, the high subsides and the cycle renews, often exacerbated by additional feelings of guilt, shame, fear, anger and other reactions directly related to taking action on the self-harm urges. So the pressure builds, the numbness settles, and off they go again. There is a very real reason for likening it to an addiction.

From what I have read, this type of cutter is the most common. Self-harm may also be triggered by a desire for attention (Look! I'm different, special, because I do this thing that is "x-treme"!), an attempt to manipulate others (If you leave me, I will do something drastic and it will be all your fault!), a desire to punish themselves (I deserve the pain this will cause me because I am bad.), as a cry for help (Look how badly I'm hurting. I can't tell you so please notice me and help me.), a need to create a tangible representation of psychological pain (I hurt so much on the inside; I want my outsides to match my insides.), or even to relieve boredom (Nothing is giving me that adrenaline rush anymore; maybe this will.). Frequently these reasons overlap, exist together, and may even be subconscious – they don't know why they do it; they just do.

Okay, now that the psychology lesson is over… lol

Surprise, surprise, I am not one of the majority. I don't cut to feel and I don't get that rush of release from it. When I cut or burn, it is more along the lines of either punishment or the tangible representation. Sometimes there is an element of the cry for help but as it is almost always completely overruled by fear of discovery, I don't normally rank that as a primary motivation. My cutting and burning also tends to be symbolic, a letter or shape that speaks to me of larger, painful concepts. While I don't experience the addictive cycle that many cutters have, once I reach a certain stress/pain threshold, the self-harm urges grow until I feel I must express them or I will lose whatever tenuous grip of reality that I have left.

Easter through mid-June every year are incredibly rough for me. Sixteen years ago I made some bad choices that haunt me still. Every year I drag myself through a vicious emotional hurricane. Last year, for the first time in about 5 years, I managed to stay out of the hospital. I still messed up my arm pretty bad, but at least I stayed out of the hospital. This year, I wanted to do better.

Why I Paint

During a brainstorming session with my Guardian Angel, the idea of painting came up. The part of me that houses the self-destructive urges from this time of year latched onto the idea. I would be able to express those feelings on paper, in much more detail that I can show with an exacto-knife on my arm. The promise of a larger canvas and wider range of colors on my palette appealed to me. My Guardian Angel arranged for me to have the supplies I would need to get started. Immediately, images of things I wanted to paint began to swirl in my mind's eye.

The next day, too impatient to wait for the acrylic paints and brushes, I commandeered some of my kids' paints and I poured out my first picture. All about texture and color, it held more passion than I could have imagined. I'm most likely not going to post that picture. It's more direct and specific and lays bare the nature of the mistakes I made all those years ago. I have a hard enough time looking directly at that issue on my own without blasting it into the open world. Suffice to say that each color was important; the colors mixed to create each shade meant something. The texture of each area held meaning. And when I was done, I felt pride and excitement at the statement I had made, not ashamed and guilty.

The next day, the acrylics arrived. Paints and brushes, canvases and an easel… all at my disposal, for my creative energies, to change the raging emotions inside me into something visual, tangible, and self-affirming rather than self-destructive. Since then I have completed 5 more pictures. I am going to try to share those, as well as any others that come along whenever possible. Just to make myself clear, though: I'm not painting to perfect technique or to be able to reproduce a landscape or a person. Light and shadows especially escape me. And I am fine with that. I paint for the meaning behind the paintings. It's cool when people can tell what it is I painted because it looks like the item, but if they can't, it's still not my priority to "fix" my technique to please others. I paint, like I write, for me.

I don't know what you call it for paintings – in writing it is a copyright. Whatever it's called, all of my paintings I share are mine. Please don't save or repost them without permission. And certainly don't give credit for them to someone else.

No Small Thing

2009-05-29T19:46:00.001-05:00

This may seem like something small and trivial, but it isn't...

Today I took the pill bottle out of my pants pocket and put it in a cupboard.

Things are getting better. I think I'm gonna make it.

Dear Doctor (pt 2 - to Dr. Rob)

2009-05-28T21:08:00.005-05:00

This is part two of a series I'm exploring. It was started by a post from Dr. Rob over at Musings of a Distractible Mind. Part one is basically the intro and link to the original post. This is the extremely long-winded reply I sent to him via email.

A Response from a Patient:

I am not angry with you (throughout this, interpret "you" to mean "my PCP" or PCPs in general). Most of the time, I'm not even frustrated with you. To the contrary, I want to do everything in my power to make your job easier because then I believe you will do your job better. The problem is... I don't know how to do this. And most likely, the majority of your patients who struggle in these areas aren't the ones to read blogs with excellent posts that address this topic. So a question to ponder: how can you get your information into the hands of those who would most benefit from it? Maybe a FAQ brochure next to your check-in/check-out counter? I don't know.

I do have a few clarifying questions/comments on your points...

1. Someone to trust: If I make an appointment with my PCP, I am required to state THE problem for which I am visiting. The message this sends to me is that I am only allowed to have one topic of concern per visit. This leaves me unsure what to do when I have 5 - 6 little questions pile up to the point I finally make an appointment. My solution to this is to make the appointment for the most critical or time sensitive issue. I then bring a complete list of what I wanted to talk to him about. When the nurse brings me back, I hand her my list, point out the one I made the appointment for and tell her I would like to go over as many of them as I can and need to know how many appointments I need to schedule. Since I began doing it this way, my PCP has never requested I make additional appointments. But that doesn't mean he isn't saying rude things about me because of it; I have no idea.

So my question for you is: with PCPs being so busy and so bogged down in red-tape, what is the most effective way to deal with lots of small issues? Does my method work? Or should I be calling his phone nurse? Or...? (A typical laundry list might include, "When do I need to get my thyroid checked again?" + "I'm having pain my knee when I do x activity" + "I read an article advising strep throat NOT be treated with antibiotics - can you shed light on this?" + "Do I need my asthma meds still?" + "My mother is convinced all of my depression symptoms are from my microwave; can I tell her that's not true?" --- The point being they are all unrelated and relatively small. PS - I'm NOT asking YOU those questions; they are just examples. LOL)

2. On fragmenting... My PCP's office does not have an x-ray machine. If I've fallen and injured a body part that is now swelling, I go to the urgent care center instead of my PCP's office because I can go right then and they DO have an x-ray. Likewise, when my daughter wakes up in the middle of a Saturday night shrieking because her ear hurts, I take her to the urgent care center in the morning because the PCP isn't open on Sundays. Are these the kind of visits you are talking about that cause fragmented care? Or do you mean the patient who rarely bothers with the PCP, instead going to the urgent care center or ER, whichever is closer at that exact moment? Should I be calling the PCP before I go to the urgent care center if it means using the answering service? For that matter, how do we know when it's appropriate to use the answering service?

3. Being my own keeper... I am fine with this. I ask all my specialists to send my PCP a copy, though half of them don't half the time. The only question I have is timing of updating the PCP. If I go to the ER with a surgery-worthy broken bone, do I call and let the PCP know during the next convenient set of business hours or just update them on the various comings and goings since I last saw him? Do you want to know that I went to Specialist X and we decided NOT to change anything? Or that I went to the urgent care center but it turned out to be a nasty bruise and not broken? If I end up in the hospital for medical stuff, do *I* need to call you or will they? What if I end up on the psych ward - do they tell you then? How do I know what to call you about and the timing on being notified?

One problem I have with the "don't assume that no news is good news": as a patient I feel this is a double-edged sword. If I call, the nurse acts like I'm wasting her time. If I don't call, I risk the results having fallen through the cracks. If I request they call me with the results regardless of outcome, they get positively snippy and don't call half the time anyways. Is there a specific set of magical words to use on the nurse so she doesn't bite my head off?

4. No PR work: This is extremely difficult for me as a patient. There are a couple of reasons (for me) why this is a tall order.

Firstly, I want to understand the whys and hows, not just follow directions blindly. I read a lot and I've seen a lot and I tend to be more medically literate than most people I know. But I am no MD. I have found it is a VERY thin line to walk between asking the questions I am thinking/worrying about and putting the doctor on the defensive. For example, when my daughter's doctor wanted to start her on Zoloft for anxiety and panic attacks, I was concerned about effects of SSRIs on kids. (She was 9 at the time.) I said, "I have read a lot of information that raises concerns about SSRIs in kids." (Politely, not sarcastically or rudely or challenging.) To which he replied, "Let me guess, you read it on the internet?" (making "internet" into a whole new class of swear word.) Reluctantly, I backed down. I also switched doctors. The point is that I want to be as much a part of the process as possible but this seems to make most of my doctors uncomfortable, like I am challenging them, when that is not my intention at all. So I guess my question to you would be, how do I become part of the decision-making process and let my doctors know that I read and research these topics without putting them on the defensive and/or being ridiculed?

Secondly, sometimes I feel just plain silly. For example, I have chronic headaches and have not been able to find the cause or trigger for them. At one point I went to my PCP about them, armed with about a million "possibilities" including everything from my mother's assertion that microwaved food is the cause of all of my problems to fears of a brain tumor. Some potential causes were anecdotal, some were results of internet research. But it really does sound silly and melodramatic to ask a PCP if I could have a brain tumor and it is the kind of thing that I have been laughed at (by a medical professional) for saying. So how do I ask about the possibilities running through my head without being mocked or dismissed? I have resorted to some creative tactics to ask my questions. In the case of my chronic headaches, I made a list of the "Top 10 Suspected Causes of my Headaches" and included, in random order, such things as hypertension and vitamin deficiency but also wacky things like squirrels chewing on my spinal cord. He got a real kick out of the list and it opened a dialog for brainstorming reasons. Now, every time I come in, he asks me how the squirrels are doing. (I love my PCP! He's HUMAN!!) I guess this one can be resolved with a combination of increased communication - making sure you know that I want to be included in the brainstorming for a cause process - and vigilance on the part of the PCP - you may hear "suggestions" (which are more often fears) that are so far out of the realm of possibility as to be funny to you, but to your patients, we may think it could be that very thing. So don't laugh, even when you want to, or we will stop talking to you.

A third thing that leads me to put on a PR face is a defense mechanism, pure and simple. I know that you see a billion patients every day. I can't help but fear a potential comparison between how one or more of them handle the same symptoms I am having as opposed to how I am handling them. When I come in with sun rash all up and down my arms, on my face, my legs, even my ears and scalp and I itch so bad I can't sleep or sit still, I judge myself and project that judgment on to you. *I* knew the sun would give me a rash but I stayed outside all day to watch my son's championship baseball game anyways. Do you blame me for now needed a round of steroids? Are you thinking, "It serves her right; she should have known better." Because *I* am thinking it. Are you thinking about the guy you saw that morning with poison ivy head to toe that was in much worse shape than I am in and only mildly ruffled it? Are you thinking that I should suck it up and stop whining? I worry that you are thinking that because *I* am thinking that. When you see my name on the schedule for the third time this month, are you thinking, "Oh, God! Not again. What a hypochondriac, what a wuss!" I worry that you are thinking that because *I* am thinking it. Even if I feel like crawling under a bush and dying, I want to seem strong and in control because I feel that you are judging me by the same criteria that I am judging myself. Now, I know my PCP doesn't judge me like this; it's not his style. But I still make sure I can find a smile and a joke for him somewhere in me even when half-blind with migraine pain. It is human nature to want to appear competent. You are in the unique position of seeing me almost exclusively when I am at my worst. So out comes the PR face. I'm not sure how to "fix" this except to ask you not to weigh my demeanor too strongly in the criteria for making a diagnosis. If I say I hurt, don't judge how badly by the expression on my face, ask me for a 1 - 10 number. If I say I hurt at a 7 even though I greeted you with a smile, either believe me or ask me other questions to narrow it down. (When my kids say something hurts, I ask what kind of pain, I poke and prod even in places that shouldn't be affected - like the tip of the chin for a headache - and I base my conclusions on those rather than the statement that something hurts and the look on their face.)

As far as me not saying I'm not going to follow your directions (like taking the prescribed med), I guarantee there will be a reason. I recently read a poll asking doctors if they address cost with their patients. I strongly urge you to do this, always. I'm not in the least bit concerned that you are buying into Big Pharma when you do this; I think you are checking for barriers to compliance. I think there are a few standard questions that should take care of 99% of the concerns your patients may have remaining when you think you are done... "Do you understand why I said XYZ?" "Do you understand our game plan for treating XYZ?" "What other questions or concerns do you have about XYZ?" (Asking what questions I have is preferable to asking if I have any because it is more inviting of a dialog as opposed to be slightly paternalistic and patronizing.)

5. Idiots - I agree that famous people can be idiots. But they can also be right. And because I don't know the difference, I need to trust you to tell me. If I bring up something that Oprah said, please tell me if she is right or wrong in that case, without mocking me. The same goes for when I read something that I don't know if it's BS or not. In the movie "The American President " with Michael Douglas, his advisor tells him, "People want leadership, Mr. President, and in the absence of genuine leadership, they'll listen to anyone who steps up to the microphone. They want leadership. They're so thirsty for it they'll crawl through the desert toward a mirage, and when they discover there's no water, they'll drink the sand." To which he replies, "Lewis, we've had presidents who were beloved, who couldn't find a coherent sentence with two hands and a flashlight. People don't drink the sand because they're thirsty. They drink the sand because they don't know the difference." Try to bear with us as we attempt to decipher which water and which is sand.

6. You can't "fix" everything - I know that sometimes it seems like I go to my PCP for every little thing. I try hard not to pester him but I truly don't know where else to go for information. I typically take a wait and see approach unless something has me in tears, interferes with my sleep, or scares the bejeebers out of me. Truthfully though, there are so many mixed messages out here, I don't know when I should call you or not. My daughter had a headache and an upset stomach for two days. She also had a science test and no fever or vomiting. I sent her to school. She called afterwards wanting to skip play practice because her throat hurt. I called the PCP to see how long to let it go before making an appt. They said come in for a strep test. Thinking they were insane and test happy, I dragged her to the office for a test, thinking "Dude! No fever and mostly a headache and stomach-ache. WTH?" She had strep. That isn't what bugs me. What got to me is that the doctor (her dr's partner, not her regular ped) reamed me out for not bringing her in sooner and sending her to school. This same doctor reamed me out for bringing her in when she had a fever and icky-sounding cough for 3 days. One article says treat strep or risk heart trouble, one says don't bother treating it as it will go away. One doctor says a fever is over 100 degrees, another says 101. And then there are all the tv ads that says to ask my doctor if this med is right for me.

The point to that rant is that I don't expect my PCP to fix everything. I am quite content if he says, "Don't worry about this. It's caused by XYZ and will take care of itself." The reason it sometimes seems as if I want you to fix all problems is because I don't know the difference between a nasty cold that won't away and pneumonia that will land me in the hospital if not treated. (I've had both.) Please don't feel like you have to throw a prescription at me to keep me happy. I've come to you to find out a) what is wrong with me? and b) what do I do about it? Sometimes you can fix it, sometimes you can't fix it, and sometimes it doesn't even need fixed. But knowledge is power and sometimes it is the only cure I need.

Wow. This got REALLY long, REALLY fast. Sorry about that. If I could sum it all up and offer a suggestion from this patient's POV, I would tell you it's all about communication. If we know each other's expectations of each other and reasons for them, we can be a team. Neither of us is perfect but I think we are both working towards the same goal: healthy, happy lives. Our relationship is built more on whether or not we are heading towards that goal together rather than whether or not we reach that ideal.

Sincerely,

[me]

Dear Doctor (pt 1 - Intro)

2009-05-27T18:44:00.003-05:00

doc_rob over at Musings of a Distractible Mind put up a great Letter to Patients that really got me thinking. It's a list of 6 things that patients HAVE to know/understand/do. It generated in me nearly as many questions as it had answers and got me thinking about the patient side of the fence on those 6 topics. So originally I was going to leave a comment with my thoughts. I soon realized that to say everything I wanted to say would take up way too much space in a comment. He suggested I blog on it and send him a link or send it to him as an email. Given that this blog almost completely irrelevant to the topic and his post, I thought sending him here would be cruel and unusual punishment. I ended up sending him an email long enough to make even the most patient (pun partially intended) of people cringe.

It was indeed long, rambling in many places, ranting and soap-boxing in areas, but very helpful in my own mind. It helped me clarify and organize thoughts and questions I didn't know I had. Once I finished addressing the 6 points from his post, I realized I had a whole host of other things that I wish I could communicate with my doctors and/or doctors in general.

Therefore, in the spirit of torturing any remaining readers of this blog - uh, I mean organizing and clarifying my own thoughts on the topic - I'm going to do a series of posts about it. This is the first post, the background information. It contains the links to doc_rob's post, which you should read before you read my response or it won't make sense. I will update this post with links to the other pieces in the series as I create them.

Dr. Rob's original post
Part Two - reply to Dr. Rob's post

AFK or MIA?

2009-05-27T15:54:00.002-05:00

I've been gone from here for a long time. Officially my last post was on April 1st. I started a few posts since them but couldn't muster the energy to finish them. I think I needed some time away from here to recharge my batteries and remind myself why I blog in the first place. I blog to make sense of my world. Sometimes it's easy to get lost in blogging because people expect you to. It's now been almost 2 months since I put anything up and I stopped commenting in my regular haunts as well. In fact, I even stopped creative writing and all but bare minimum group participation. In effect, I went from AFK to MIA.

First let me say to any former readers who still check here, I hope I didn't upset you or let you down. I am still alive and kicking and, relatively speaking, alright. The anniversary of my own personal hell came and went and I have thus far survived, even without a hospital visit.

I have taken up painting, something entirely new to me, and although I royally suck at it, I am REALLY enjoying expressing myself in this manner. I plan on posting pictures of some of my paintings. Tremendous thanks to my Guardian Angel for his support emotionally and materially in this new endeavor.

I have also discovered the addictive world of Twitter. I adore the flow of information from the vastly diverse sources all in a compact form on one page and/or texted to my phone. It is so much more than random updates about trivial things going on although there are plenty of those too. (Being the emotional voyeur that I am, I enjoy those kinds updates as much as the news links.) I am myself over there, not anonymous like here, so I am not going put up one of those cool bird logos that say FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER! If anyone really wants to follow me, leave me a comment and I will get back with you.

I hope this is the beginning of my return to the writing world. On D-Day itself (the aforementioned anniversary), I began a story which has the potential to be cathartic and liberating. I love the title I have chosen for it: "Diagonally Parked in a Parallel Universe" - I saw it on a t-shirt over at CafePress. (If you ever want to waste a whole bunch of time, do a topic search over there and just flip through an infinite number of pages of designs. My favorite: http://shop.cafepress.com/crazy-funny They may offend some people but I am all for making fun of myself (including my sanity) as often as possible!

So, in the spirit of "more to come", I am running off now to Kid-3's baseball game. I will try to post pictures tonight...

I've Been Here Before

2009-04-01T13:20:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was a pretty crappy day. Among other things, I ended up having to call the police about Kid-1. It's Spring Break and I made BFF agree that I didn't have to watch Kid-5 until noon this week. Well, she came and got me about 11 - Kid-1 refused to take his morning meds and picked a fight with his brother then threw at fit at BFF for asking him if he had taken the meds. I got up and tried to get him to take his meds calmly but things progressed and he refused and I physically forced him to come into the house. (I was afraid he would take off into the neighborhood because he was so angry.) Even once in the house, I couldn't get him calm again and I couldn't get him to take his meds. It escalated further and I pinned him to the floor in the kitchen and he still wouldn't take his meds. So I had BFF call 911 and send for the cops.

The cops came. They had one heck of a time calming him down. While two of the four cops were trying to talk him down and one of them was wandering aimlessly up and down the hallway looking bored, the other one stood there looking confused.

He looked around several times and then he looked back at me and he says, "I've been here before."

I blushed and shrugged and nodded my head towards Kid-1, still struggling with the officers. "This isn't the first time..."

But the officer shook his head. "No, not for him." He continued to look around him. "It was something worse, much worse. It was something horrible."

"It might have been me. I overdosed a couple of years ago." The desire to hide under the covers and never come out again grew so strong at that point that it must have been written in neon over my head.

"Was that you? On the couch?"

"Yeah, that was me." I shrugged again and tried to smile. "I'm doing much better now."

It clicked in his eyes. "I didn't think you were going to make it."

My attention was redirected back to Kid-1 at that point, for which I was rather grateful. But it has stuck with me since then. I knew that I had come close that day but I guess I didn't realize just how close.

And now I keep thinking, "What if?" What if I had succeeded? I know it would have hurt everyone deeply, horribly, irrevocably. But at least it would be over. At least I wouldn't still be hurting everyone all the time, letting them down all the time, holding them back and setting them off, neglecting them and using them.... Wouldn't they seriously be better off without me?

And yet I'm stuck here. And this bites.

12 Most Annoying Habits of Therapists

2009-03-12T12:32:00.003-05:00

Okay, I read this article over at Psych Central about shrinks' bad habits. Bear in mind that I've already been struggling a bit in therapy. The inappropriate comparison between BFF's shrink and mine, the struggle to stay on task so that I have something to take away from each session, the feeling of drifting aimlessly and then the incident last week with the schedule have all been on my mind quite a bit. So here's this article about things that shrinks do that are "bad habits" and why.

1. Showing up late for the appointment: Yes, I know this is supposed to be a big no-no. And The Shrink is exceedingly guilty of this. He is almost always late from 5 minutes an hour. But, quite frankly, this doesn't bother me at all. I have plenty of stuff to do while I wait. I don't feel like he forgot me or doesn't value my time. But people run over or things take longer trying to leave the house than anticipated, or things come up that have to be handled. Perhaps there is something wrong with me, because this just doesn't faze me at all. It bothers The Shrink to no end and we have had many conversations about it, but I just don't care. Verdict: Not Guilty By Reason of Effect

2. Eating in front of the client: I can see where this could be a no-no. It's rude to eat in front of someone when they aren't eating as well. And it shows poor time-management skills, a lack of discipline, or a health issue when either party feels like they need to eat during session. The Shrink does this consistently, eat in front of me. But he almost always offers to share, occasionally even insisting. And he has only started doing it since things have become much more casual between us. Once again, him eating in front of me doesn't bother me at all. I guess could be construed as distracting sometimes but for the most part I take it as a sign that he feels comfortable enough around me to grab a snack if he's hungry. (It's not like he schedules time between patients that he can eat then instead.) Verdict: Guilty, misdemeanor level.

3. Yawning or sleeping during session: This is one that I would take very personally if it happened. There are times when The Shrink is obviously exhausted, although more often than not he will deny it. And there are times, on rare occasions, when he has been known to yawn once or twice during session, usually when he is obviously exhausted. But he has never fallen asleep or come anywhere close to falling asleep. And he has never yawned to the point of being intrusive or offensive. Verdict: Innocent.

4. Inappropriate disclosures: This is quicksand territory for me. I am an emotional voyeur. I want to know everything about everyone and eat up as much personal information as I can get about everyone. Even though it's not appropriate, I have no limit as to the amount of personal information that I wish I knew about The Shrink. So, from my boundaries, he has never made an inappropriate disclosure. Now, from more traditional boundaries, this becomes more debatable. A lot of his disclosures are made deliberately to illustrate a point. All of the big ones have been extremely intentional. There are 2-3 things he has told me that are quite personal and quite intense but that he told me because they related directly to an issue I was having at that moment. They were all things from his past that have been resolved as well so it's not like he was role-reversing the therapy process. On the other hand, there are a million little things that he has disclosed that have nothing, or very little, to do with the problems at hand. And we will often get off onto tangents about these things and end up having conversations instead of therapy. And, truth be told, there has been at least one issue that we have had to come back to almost every session that is completely his issue and not mine - that is his habitual lateness. Again, like the other things, his disclosures don't bother me. In fact, I love them and encourage them. Occasionally, I have solicited them although I try not to do this often because I respect his need for personal boundaries. Verdict: Not Guilty by Reason of Entrapment.

5. Being impossible to reach by phone or email: The Shrink always returns emergency phone calls. He has made a point of making sure I know that if I am in crisis and don't know what else to do, he is available by phone for short "coaching" sessions. I am to call and leave a message and he will return it. And he has always returned my call before bed the same day in those cases. If I call for any other reason, I typically hear back from his admin assistant within a few days. Other than those coaching sessions, The Shrink is not available for anything else between sessions. BFF's shrink checks her blog before their sessions because that's where she does her Homework. I can email the Med-Shrink links to articles on relevant topics between appointments and he will return my email with instructions or to tell me we will talk about it at my next appointment. I know many people whose shrinks read their blogs anywhere from regularly to occasionally. The Shrink does not do that period the end. So, bottom line, The Shrink isn't as available to me as I wish he was, but he is not impossible to reach in an emergency. Verdict: Not Guilty (which is not exactly the same as Innocent).

6. Distracted by a phone, cell phone, computer or pet: Never. If his cell phone happens to go off in session and he has forgotten to set it to vibrate mode, he will pull it out of his pocket and silence it then put it back. He has never, in 3 years, taken a call during an appointment. One time we both got distracted looking something up on the computer but a) I started it, b) it was directly related to me, and c) it was both mutual and consensual. Verdict: Innocent.

7. Expressing racial, sexual, musical, lifestyle and religious preferences: Even the article makes a point of saying this in an extension of the disclosure rule. And, for the most part, the same thing applies to this as to that: for myself, I soak it up enthusiastically. He never brings these things up on his own, rather they get expressed as part of the conversation/discussion. When his views on things do come up they are never presented as judgments and he has never even implied that he expects others to share those preferences. I not only don't want to know about his preferences, I am interested in what he thinks and believes and enjoys. As for being distracting or detrimental to the therapy process, maybe. There have been things I have not really wanted to bring up because I know his views on them are not positive. But for the most part, that is a matter of trusting him as a therapist to keep his preferences for himself separate from his role as a therapist. And he does this very well. Verdict: Not Guilty by Reason of Entrapment

8. Bringing your pet to the psychotherapy session: He has never done this. Given the setting, this is not likely something he's even considered doing. Verdict: Innocent

9. Hugging and physical contact: The Shrink does not do this, period. He has extremely well-defined physical boundaries. I think he might have shaken my hand the first time we met but I'm not positive about that. He sits across the room from me, regardless of which chair I choose to sit in. When he hands me something, he stretches his arm as far out away from him as possible so as to maintain maximum physical distance between us. He doesn't do this in an "avoid-me-like-I-am-the-plague" kind of distance but rather in an "I'm-not-going-to-hurt-you-or-spook-you-by-getting-too-close" kind of way. And, based on the kind of guy he seems to be, I can't imagine him ever interacting sexually with a patient. It would go against so much of who he is - totally not his style. Verdict: Innocent.

10. Inappropriate displays of wealth or dress: This one is actually funny. He doesn't have means to display inappropriate amounts of wealth. And even if he was sitting very comfortably financially, he's not a flashy kind of person so I still doubt he would even be tempted to do this. As for jeans and such, yes he does wear jeans quite a bit but generally with a nice shirt and tie. Given the environment where he works, he dresses very appropriately. And I am far more comfortable when he is dressed down than when he is dressed up. (I can always tell the rare days when he has to make a court appearance because he is dressed to the nines and looks distinctly uncomfortable.) Distracting clothing/accessories is not a habit/problem of his. Verdict: Innocent.

11. Clock-watching: Quite the opposite. He never looks at the clock, never keeps track of time. I, however, am a clock-watcher. I am practically paranoid about boundaries and not breeching them (mostly because I want to so badly). So I watch the time to make sure I don't run over our time. A couple of times I have deliberately made it seem as if I wasn't paying attention to the time to see how he would respond and he didn't do anything until we had gone over by 10 minutes. Even then he didn't look at the clock until I did, after he mentioned that we needed to wrap up. Verdict: Innocent.

12. Excessive note taking: The Shrink takes notes, yes. The Shrink has a memory for details that has more holes than Swiss cheese so if he doesn't take notes, he has no chance of remembering in session what happened last session. But he isn't distracting about it. He doesn't look like he's paying more attention to his notes than to me. About a third of the things he writes down, he speaks aloud what he is writing down by way of emphasizing that I've said something important. Could he be more transparent in his note-taking? Quite possibly, yes. Is his way of incorporating his note-taking into the process effective and appropriate? Yes, most certainly. Verdict: Innocent.

Here's the tally:
Innocent: 7/12 (58%)
Not Guilty: 4/12 (33%)
Guilty: 1/12 (8%)

So obviously, he's no heinous, repeat offender with a warning flag of bad behaviors. Still, I was struck by how many of these behaviors he does albeit not to a pathological level. He's late all the time. He eats during session. He discloses a lot. He discloses personal opinions. And he's not incredibly accessible between appointments. BUT... he would never even consider being unethical about his boundaries, he dresses appropriately, he pays attention to me (not other distractions or the clock or even his own notes) and he never falls asleep to any degree.

I guess, more than anything, the list of habits made me stop and take stock of the quiet rumblings of discontent I have been experiencing. It gave me a jumping off point for determining what my problem is. It let me confront my heretofore abruptly silenced thoughts of "Is he the right shrink for me?" in a way that my mind and conscience would allow. Here is what I actually found out...

The Shrink is a good psychologist and a good therapist. He is human and he has his quirks and, in my book, this is important to me. It's not just acceptable or tolerable, it's a requirement. I cannot and will not open up to someone who is fake with me. And the more "real" The Shrink becomes to me, the more I trust both him as a person and his advice as a professional. I know that this is not the "norm" for people in therapy, but it is very much me.

What is actually getting to me is the style of therapy itself. I see BFF with her structured, preplanned sessions and I compare it to the relaxed, go-with-the-flow style of my therapy. I envy the amount of work her therapist does for her. She keeps her on track, assigns homework and follows up on it, pushes her into looking at things she might not want to look at in the moment. She even keeps up with BFF's blog outside of session time. And her sessions are typically an hour and a half long. (This last one is because she is going through a woman's trauma clinic whereas I am stuck in the insurance loop.)

But then, I realized that the statement I made above is more true than the casual interpretation of it:

I envy the amount of work her therapist does for her.

The key point, and I didn't even realize it, is for her. Her shrink keeps the agenda. Her shrink keeps her on task. Her shrink is the accountable party for the homework. Her shrink tracks her progress during the week. Her shrink does that work - not BFF.

The Shrink tried to explain to me one time why he doesn't hold me accountable for homework stuffs. Part of it is that it needs to be my work and not his. The other part is that he assumed if I wanted to go over it, I would say something. Part of it also, though he didn't say as much, is that he had a tendency to forget about it from one week to the next. Now, he takes the time to look at last week before we start and will generally mention what we did last week.

Recently, I have been trying to prepare on Tuesday for Wednesday's session. I make a list of things that have happened or that are bothering me and think them through enough to explain them. I am trying to maximize the benefits I get from therapy. Since he won't assign homework, I try to do a little on my own. I have been trying, too, to stay on task a little closer. The goal is to take something home with me every time. Sometimes that is new insights to something; other times it is something to think about over the week or something to try and do. I don't like walking out of there feeling like it was fun but I learned nothing and planned nothing.

All of this came about when I started comparing BFF's experience to mine, her sense of purpose and focus to my wandering. Before, I just took it at face value. Now I feel frustrated and disenchanted. Is this a sign that I need to just relax and go with the flow? Or that I need to change what I'm doing for/with/about/in therapy? Or that something is wrong in the way my therapy is going?

Don't Take It Personally

2009-03-10T11:33:00.002-05:00

unfinished post

So The Shrink is fond of telling me that emotions are not good or bad; they just are. It's what you do about those emotions that matters. Whenever I experience an emotion that I don't like (such as anger, jealousy, hurt feelings, etc) the first thing I typically do is look at what triggered them and try to decide if my emotional reaction is or is not justified (another shrink term). If it's not justified, I can normally talk myself out of it. If it feels justified, sometimes I will bounce it off other people for suggestions on how to feel better.

But sometimes I find out that it's not justified after all.

Last week, therapy felt like pretty much a wash. I knew it would be - I wasn't prepared for it. I tried to convey how this heavy, wet blanket of apathy that has settled over my mood isn't what I want to be feeling. I didn't succeed in making myself understood. The Shrink declared it a good thing since I am not hyper-irritated like I was several weeks ago. I ended up not getting anything useful out of the session. Of course, thanks to that same apathy, at least I wasn't frustrated or disappointed. With this apathy, only the strongest of feelings even register a change.

After therapy, The Shrink's office assistant told me we have a schedule conflict for this coming week. No big deal - Wednesdays are my "day off" and I am extremely flexible. Then she told me why. It seems she hadn't filled in my time slot for the month before he got a hold of the calendar. And he scheduled over my time slot. Now, I've been seeing him for three years. I have had the exact same time slot the entire time. Every Wednesday, at the same time, for three years... his assistant didn't write me in... and he forgot me.

I already have problems with feeling worthless and unimportant. I know that he is much more important to me than I would ever want to be to any of my doctors. And I struggle with feeling like I am nothing but a chart, a number, to them all. I accept that: I exist when I am in front of them and don't when I'm not. For the doctors I see frequently (like my GP) I hold onto the hope that he knows who I am when he sees me on the schedule, not just when he is reading my chart.

But I thought, after three years, that The Shrink would at least associate me with that Wednesday time slot. But apparently it didn't even occur to him. I wasn't on the schedule so I didn't exist. And my reaction to that information was to feel hurt, unimportant, worthless, and embarrassed. I looked at the trigger - he forgot me - and it still felt justified. When BFF asked me later that day how therapy went, I told her about the schedule change and the reason behind it. And I told her how it made me feel.

She told me not to take it personally. She forgets me all the time - that's the example she used. I tried to explain to her how much it bothers me when she does that as well. (It feels like I'm not worth taking into consideration when she is setting appointments, like I am furniture that should make myself available to her whenever she needs, that my time and schedule aren't worth remembering.) She told me I'm too sensitive. That it isn't personal. He probably forgot. I shouldn't let it bother me.

Okay. I didn't know quite what to make of it except that she has absolutely no respect for anyone's schedule ever. I know that and accept that as part of who she is. The same isn't true for The Shrink who just a few weeks ago was lamenting how he is always running late for my appointment because others run over and he worried that I would interpret that as him not caring enough to respect my time. (Which is so far from the way I feel that I literally laughed at him.) So I didn't put a lot of weight on her assessment.

A few days later, I related the same tale to Hubby. He also told me I was making too much of a big deal about it. He told me not to take it personally. He just forgot about me. He used the example of the kids' activities and how they have been in the same activities since September and he still has trouble remembering who is where when.

Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep

2009-03-02T22:03:00.002-06:00

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
If I should die before I wake
I pray the Lord my soul to take.

We teach a prayer like this to our kids and wonder why they are afraid to go to sleep... We used the following modification when we were teaching bedtime prayers:

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
Angels watch me through the night
And wake me with the morning light.

But what happens when you don't WANT to wake up in the morning? When you would be just as content (or more) if you DIDN'T have to wake up at all? On some level, isn't that the desire of most sane people - that if they have to go, that they can go easily in their sleep (preferably at a very old age)? So is it that far of stretch to reach those of us who don't want to wait until we are old? How I would love to go to sleep one night and just not wake up the next day. Die in my sleep and not get blamed for it? SIGN ME UP!!

Now I lay me down to sleep
May death upon my body creep
Let God protect my loved ones' hearts
Though all eternity may us part.

Neighbor-Guy Makes Me Happy

2009-02-23T15:21:00.002-06:00

The Neighbor-Guy that lives to the left of us is a retired schoolteacher. He lives alone in his neat little ranch house. His lawn is always well kept and his driveway always shoveled. He is a very nice man, pleasant to talk to and always ready with a smile and a kind word. He's a good neighbor, keeping an eye out for people and property without going too far over the line into busy-body.

But the thing that makes Neighbor-Guy stand out, the thing about him that makes me happy, is how wonderful he is with the neighbor kids, mine included. His yard is large and unfenced and, combined with our front yard, makes a great football field or baseball diamond. His driveway is smoother than ours which makes it better for roller-blading and skateboarding. And he welcomes them playing there. He is also well-known for coming out and playing ball with the kids, especially baseball. He's truly great with them: patient, encouraging, enthusiastic, good listener, good mediator, great referee. He sticks to the rules and expects the kids to behave appropriately but is rarely ever cross with them and never yells or loses his temper. If he sees something upsetting, he is not above letting the parents in on it, but he's not a tattletale.

To be honest, those qualities I just described exhibited in a neighbor with no kids of his own and no relation to the kids he is around....? Well, they make you think twice. While it is true that many adults truly enjoy kids and like to be around them to a point, there is also the neon sign flashing its warning about sexual predators, especially regarding single guys, living alone, with a strong interest in the neighborhood kids. In fact, the one time I mentioned Neighbor-Guy to The Shrink, he got really edgy. Now, I have to factor in that The Shrink has a predisposition towards suspicions of that nature. I know and understand where he comes by that and I'm not saying he's right or wrong, just that I prefer to analyze the situation and draw my own conclusions from it. Which I did with Neighbor-Guy.

Here are my reasons for NOT worrying about Neighbor-Guy:

1) Supervision - This is the biggest and most heavily weighted factor on my list. Neighbor-Guy has a very strict policy on being alone with the kids, any of them. His policy is that it doesn't happen, period. The kids are not permitted inside his house without an accompanying parent. (And I've only seen this happen once.) He doesn't take them places. He doesn't come over and babysit. When he plays with the kids, it is outside, in full view of the entire neighborhood. He makes a clear point of never setting up a situation where any suspicion could be cast. There is, literally, no opportunity for anything inappropriate to happen. Even without any of the rest of this list, this factor instills trust in me for him regarding treatment of my kids.

2) Past history - Neighbor-Guy is a retired schoolteacher. He taught basically forever and retired on great terms. My SIL is familiar with him from his teaching days and while she didn't know him personally, she reports nothing negative or suspicious has ever been mentioned or implied from when he was teaching. His having been a teacher shows a clear pattern of being interested in kids - he likes them. So it makes sense that he still enjoys being around them. Retiring from a job doesn't mean losing interest in what was appealing about it.

3) Balance - Neighbor-Guy doesn't revolve himself or his life or activities around the kids in the neighborhood. If they are out playing and he has time, he might join in. This is usually when he gets home from somewhere and before he goes inside. He doesn't spend excessive amounts of time with them - an hour, sometimes more, frequently less. He doesn't seek them out - it's not like he comes over and asks if they want to play. In 9 years, he has come over twice to inquire about a kid doing something. (Once was to get Kid-1 to rake leaves with him - our leaves blow into his yard all the time, so he proposed that he and Kid-1 together rake both yards. They were outside the entire time. The other time was have anyone who was interested help him reseed the front yard - because the kids had torn it up during a rough game of football in squishy weather. Again, they were outside the entire time.)

4) Physical boundaries - Neighbor-Guy isn't a touchy-feely kind of guy. He doesn't hug the kids or make much physical contact at all while they play. He doesn't necessarily avoid touching - he once showed one of the kids how to follow through throwing a baseball by moving his arm through the arc and he will help the littlest ones bat by batting "with" them. But he doesn't go in for hugs or chest bumps or pick them up or anything. He maintains his personal physical space and expects them to do the same. He sets very appropriate personal boundaries.

5) Instinct - I allow this one to be overridden when evidence suggests I am overly trusting. In general, though, I have pretty good instincts about whether someone can be trusted with my kids. My gut will send me warning signals. I never ignore them. But my instincts on Neighbor-Guy lean towards trust. I feel happy about his involvement with the neighborhood kids. I feel good that they have him as a role model for involvement while demonstrating good boundaries.

So... Neighbor-Guy makes me happy. I like the way he plays with the kids. I like how he teaches them and encourages them and enjoys them and is interested in their well-being while still maintaining an appropriate distance. He's a genuinely good guy - he helps restore my faith in humanity.

For Better or Worse

2009-02-17T11:20:00.002-06:00

I have a feeling this post is going to be rambling. I haven't updated in a while and have some scattered thoughts to get down.

For Better: I have noticed a substantial difference since starting the Concerta. I feel much better able to problem solve and think logically. I don't feel as confused and overwhelmed by multiple details co-existing. Large tasks aren't as likely to send me into a crying jag or panic attack. BFF has commented several times on my apparent increase in follow-through and motivation. This is because I did up our budget and reworked the chore chart. I also pulled back out the Medicaid paperwork and double-checked the requirements. I'm not sure my doing these things can be attributed to increased performance from the medication as there were natural catalysts to propel me to do these things and think I would have done them regardless. But I do think it was easier to do them because I could better pay attention to the details and think more clearly.

For Worse: I seem to be stuck in this cycle of alternating between irritable and apathetic. Most things don't phase me (up or down), even things that previously elicited an emotional response from me. At the same time, I find myself easily irritated by little things. I have little patience with Kid-5 these days; instead of laughing at her quirks, they annoy me. I am having to bite my tongue all the time with BFF and she isn't even doing anything really. For no apparent reason, I just feel constantly put upon by everyone and everything. It's not like the demands on my time and energy have changed at all so I'm sure how to explain the shift in attitude and I certainly don't know what to do about it.

Valentine's Day: I hate surprises, as I say a lot. I crave predictability to the point of precognition. Since precognition is a bit beyond my grasp, I go into this pattern of mentally evaluating every possible outcome, situation and/or choice that may occur in order to have a response prepared. When I know something is coming that I can't predict, such as the impending V-Day gift from Hubby, I get nervous. The number of possibilities to sift through in my mind becomes exponential and I get bogged down in generating responses for them. I know this isn't logical and certainly isn't efficient but I don't know how else to alleviate the fear generated by the situation.

I discussed this with The Shrink last Wednesday, specifically in regards to Valentine's Day. Once again, The Shrink showed his disapproval of Hubby. I told him that Hubby doesn't do romance and I don't do surprises and described how I stopped expecting romance in any form from him because he simply isn't capable of it and also how it is nearly impossible to surprise me. The Shrink claimed that he would be able to surprise me, which I denied. He persisted, going so far as to claim that he would be able to surprise me 12 times in the next 3 months - which is basically every session. I told him there's no way he could pull it off even once. I confess to making it sound like a challenge, mostly because he got my curiosity piqued by that point. I have been with The Shrink for 3 years and he is not the "blank slate" kind of therapist - his reactions are honest and genuine. I'm pretty sure I know where he stands on everything pertaining to me. I can't imagine anything he could do or say and still stay true to himself and he is not the kind of person that would deliberately be untrue to himself. So I'm nervous and curious to see what happens Wednesday. I've been running scenarios in my mind ever since, everything I can think of whether it makes sense or not, and have not come up with anything that he could do to surprise me. I will be glad come Wednesday when he has forgotten about it and the session comes and goes without incident. (This, btw, is by far the mostly likely outcome.) Then I can relax and not worry about him continuing to try in future sessions.

But - once the playful challenging was over, he did help me find a mindset that allowed me to relax (mostly) regarding Hubby's V-Day gift. He had me examine the intention behind the gift. What does Hubby mean by giving me this present? Why is he doing it? Well, the answer is to show his love for me and to make me feel good. So The Shrink told me to approach the gift - regardless of what it tangibly is - as a token of that intent. No matter if it is the best gift in the universe or something horrible and downright offensive, the gift that Hubby is giving me is a token of how much he loves me and a tangible representation of his desire to make me happy.

I can't believe how much that helped! The two things that bother me about gifts, most especially surprise gifts, is not knowing the intention behind the gift (and, directly related to that, what is expected of me in return) and the fear of reacting the "wrong" way to the gift. In this case, I know the intention and the resulting expectation so I am already prepped for that. And viewing the gift itself as merely a symbol allows me to react to the intention rather than the tangible aspect of it.

I can apply that to any gift! It is a much shorter list to evaluate the possible motives for a gift than all the things that gift could tangibly be. And the leap from motive to consequences is relatively short. This will also help with coaching myself on reactions to known gifts of less than optimum desirability. VERY helpful...

The Gift Itself: Not only did I get to sleep in until *I* wanted to get up, I woke up to a dozen, long-stemmed, red roses on the pillow next to me. Awwwww! That evening we went out to dinner (Logan's - yum!) and a movie (Confessions of a Shopoholic - meh). But the actual gift was.... (drumroll) A DIAMOND RING! While we were waiting for dinner seating, I sent him back into the restaurant to get a pager. (They were out of them when we put our names down.) When he reached into his pocket to give me the pager, he brought out a ring box and handed them both to me. Inside the box was my wedding ring. I haven't been able to wear it months and months because it needed repaired. He had taken it and gotten it repaired for me. YAY!! (I love my ring and missed it terribly!)

Missing Muse: I still am not writing. Occasionally I will mess about with my novel or scribble part of a short story but for the most part, the desire to write simply is not here. It's not like I don't have the time. I do. I just don't WANT to write.

Unspeakable Fear

2009-02-09T13:19:00.003-06:00

I don't mean the kind of fear that leaves you powerless to speak, move, breathe, think, EXIST... I mean the kind you literally can't speak of. Even if everyone is thinking it, no one would dare actually say it. Like when you go to the doctor with a lump and can't bear to ask the obvious question of whether or not it's cancer.

Low rolling nausea - 5 days so far, no other symptoms, not a med side-effect, unprotected sex a week and a half ago... please God, no. Please...?

My head knows I'm not. A million things could be causing this. But Fear keeps whispering in my ear. If it continues, I will test. I know it will be negative. But I can't deny the very slim possibility. God wouldn't be that cruel - right? RIGHT???

(Update 2/10/09 10 AM: All is fine according to the pee stick. No clue why the nausea. Going to ignore it.)

Tough Choices in Life

2009-02-05T13:18:00.003-06:00

Life is all about choices. Big choices, small choices, choices we gruel over and those we barely realize we've made. Our choices reflect who we are and where we've been, not just the options presented. They affect who we become and the future choices we make. There is always a choice in life and I can think of no exception. Oftentimes, we cannot choose what happens to us but we always have the choice of how we react to it, internally at least and usually externally.

That said, choices are quite often not simple matters of stating a preference and acting on it. Options may be equally appealing (chocolate cake or an ice cream sundae?) - or equally horrifying (let a loved one live as a vegetable or turn off life support?).

We each create a checklist, a set of parameters by which we make our decisions. Everyone's checklist is different. It is generated by experience - we learn to make choices by making choices. If our decision-making skills are guided and encouraged and we experience reasonable results (rewards or consequences in a degree that is consistent with the weight of the choice), we learn to make choices that are effective and healthy. If we are not exposed to making decisions or if the results of those choices are corrupted against us (too weak, too strong, not connected, not predictable) we learn to distrust our own decision-making capabilities. We may come up with a set of parameters that rely on external input (what does that person want me to choose?) rather than internal (which choice meets my needs?). We may even be conditioned to believe that is the way decision-making should be approached. Stripped of an internal barometer, we are subject to the whims of circumstances and lose much of our personal power.

If our power to choose did not develop into healthy patterns as children, we will carry those patterns with us until we do something to change them. The key here is that we can change them. The ability to make choices is a learned process, developed and strengthened through practice and repetition. We can relearn that process - create a different set of parameters - and through that same process of practice and repetition, change the ways we make our decisions and therefore the choices we make. Given time and practice, the new way will become comfortable, it will become habit.

(Analysis over - I find it easier to introduce an emotionally volatile subject with a factual assessment of where my head is on the topic. Here comes the "hard" part...)

I have severe difficulties with the issues of choice. Making decisions poses a threat to me, it triggers my fight or flight responses. Ironically, the smaller and less apparently meaningful the choice, the more difficult I find it to make. When it comes to larger issues, I can generally work through them and come to a reasonable conclusion. But ask me what I want to eat or what I want to watch on television or where I want to go on a date and I will freeze up. I will use every available tool in my arsenal to determine what response would most please the person asking and that will carry the biggest weight in my slow, eventual decision-making process on these seemingly trivial subjects.

I find this to be a problem in my life. It causes me considerable anxiety on a daily basis and extreme anxiety in social situations. For example, when going out to eat with friends, I find myself agonizing over what I am going to order off the menu from the moment I learn of or make the plans, even if that is weeks prior to the event. I make lists of things that I like from the menu and put them into categories for easier elimination based on the behavior and choices of those around me. I try to remember what kinds of things the people I am going with like to eat so I can order something similar. I think about how much things cost so I can order something around the same amount. I try to think of something from each category on the menu from appetizers to desserts so that I can be ready no matter type of food the others are ordering. I will go around and around with this until the moment arrives and we are all sitting around and ordering. My heart feels like it is going to explode and my head has been invaded by a hive of angry bees. I try to find out what the others are ordering and then I narrow things down based on that. Heaven forbid if there aren't enough criteria to base my decision on!

As per my custom, when things bother me, I try to figure out why. If I can figure out where something originated, I can better see whether this is a valid pattern to continue or not and replace outdated facts and models and coping mechanisms with ones that are more suited to my current circumstances. (Easier said than done most times.)

(deep breath)

Every time I hear the word "choice" these days, my mind goes to one place; I hear one voice in my head, offering me a choice and one voice answering. I have read a lot recently about victims of childhood sexual abuse. (Wow - that took over two hours to write that phrase!) One thing that I have read over and over from the professional point of view is that a child cannot be held responsible for an adult engaging in that kind of behavior with them. They emphasize the child's lack of ability to fight back. They talk about abusers creating a psychological atmosphere that make it impossible for the victims to effectively say, "Stop" and have it be taken seriously. There are threats and insinuation, emotional blackmail. Things like "Tell me if you want me to stop" seem to be common "choices" that these kids were presented. And they were too afraid to say stop and too afraid and too ashamed to tell.

But that isn't how it was for me. The default choice wasn't compliance. The default choice was the way out. He gave me a choice, over and over. Did I want to do those things with Him or did I want to go wake up my parents right then and there and tell them what we had been doing together, tell them everything - all the lies, all the gifts, all the games, and all the payment He received in return - and see who they got mad at? It was my decision every time. I had to say, out loud, what my choice was. Did I want to do what He wanted (by the name of whichever act - or rather the name He gave that act - that He wanted at the time) or did I want to go wake my parents and never have to do those things again? If I refused to answer, He would tell me that if I woke parents up, how angry they would be at both of us and how I would never see Him again. But, He said, if I didn't answer, He would assume that was my choice and together we go wake them up. He wouldn't touch me if that's not what I wanted so I had to ask for it, literally ask for it.

All I had to do was not answer Him if I wasn't strong enough to go tell my parents. But I made my choice. I CHOSE to be with Him. I told Him I wanted to do what He was asking. And most times after being given that choice, I then had to initiate the action myself. It's not like I was scared into passively allowing those things to happen. I - quite literally, and knowing full well that I had the option of never having to do those things again - asked for it and went after it.

So when the books say that those victims didn't have the choice that their abusers wanted them to believe they had, that they didn't actually make a choice by simply remaining quiet, what I hear is my own voice asking for what happened to me. Whenever I hear someone say that it is never the fault of the child because they didn't have the power to stop the person from doing that to them, I remember that all I had to do was not do it, and I chose otherwise.

No, it wasn't the fault of those kids. They didn't have a choice. They weren't strong enough to stop it from happening. But that isn't what happened to me. I did have a choice. And I was too selfish and spoiled to make the right choice. I didn't want to lose Him and so I chose to do those things to Him instead of risk losing Him. I chose to Pay the Piper. My choice, my actions, my mistakes.

And now I despise making decisions, especially when someone asks me a direct solicitation of my opinion. Because I make bad choices. I do bad things. I want the wrong things. I can't trust myself to want what is right. Sometimes either choice is horrific but one is clearly correct. If you choose wrongly, there is too blame and with it comes the shame. Heavy, like a wet, velvet blanket, smothering me in darkness that is cold and wet and paralyzing.

Life is all about choices. And I am quite practiced at making the wrong ones.

Current Themesong: Fake It by Seether

2009-02-03T12:38:00.003-06:00

My theme song changes as I change and grow, as circumstances change, as time goes on. I'm sure it would be interesting to go back and look at my self-reported theme songs to chart my progress but I'm not in the mood right now. Maybe later. In the meantime, here is the current theme:

Fake It by Seether

Who's to know if your soul will fade at all
The one you sold to fool the world
You lost your self-esteem along the way
Yeah

[Chorus:]
Good god you're coming up with reasons
Good god you're dragging it out
Good god it's the changing of the seasons
I feel so raped
So follow me down
And just fake it if you're out of direction
Fake it if you don't belong here
Fake it if you feel like affection
Woah you're such a fucking hypocrite

And you should know that the lies won't hide your flaws
No sense in hiding all of yours
You gave up on your dreams along the way
Yeah

[Chorus]

Whoah
Whoah

I can fake with the best of anyone
I can fake with the best of em all
I can fake with the best of anyone
I can fake it all

Who's to know if your soul will fade at all
The one you sold to fool the world
You lost your self-esteem along the way
Yeah

[Chorus]

Fake it if you're out of direction
Fake it if you don't belong here
Fake it if you feel like infection
Woah you're such a fucking hypocrite

This song replaces Let You Down by Three Days Grace. Whereas that one expressed the firm conviction and fear that no matter how hard I try, I will always end up letting everyone down, this song reflects my attitude and bearing towards the world. The song is all about the "fake it til you make it" advice that is rampant and the pressure I feel from the world to be fine and okay and doing well regardless of how things really are.

Who's to know if your soul will fade at all - the one you sold to fool the world? How much of myself have I given up to make the world feel more comfortable looking at me? They want me to be a certain way and I do my best to give that to them. But how much of what is me have I sacrificed?

You lost your self-esteem along the way By this time, I have indeed lost all self-confidence in my own ability to judge who I should be and what should I do and what I should want. All I know is that what I feel is not socially acceptable and therefore must be adapted, changed, on the surface if nothing else.

Good god you're coming up with reasons, good god you're dragging it out That seems to be my MO these days if I have to deal with people at all. I try to come up with any way possible to avoid it and if I can't avoid it, I stall as long as possible before doing it.

Good god it's the changing of the seasons, I feel so ~~raped~~ rank, so follow me down (I can't stand that word and besides it sounds like he says "rank" - as in stinky and yuck) It's like everything around me is changing or supposed to be changing and I just feel stupid and out of place and pressured to change like they want me to. It's like I'm dragging myself under and taking others with me.

And just fake it if you're out of direction, fake it if you don't belong here. Fake it if you feel like affection I never seem to know what I am supposed to be doing. I feel out of place and awkward and like a zit on the face of the head cheerleader. But I don't want people to think less of me - I crave their approval and their affection. So I fake it. I put on a face and I try to do what they want me to, what they expect me to.

You're such a fucking hypocrite I go on and on about not lying and telling the truth. I take such "pride" in not lying. I preach to my kids about having the self-esteem to be who they are and love themselves for who they are... and yet I live a lie. Almost all of what others see is a mask put on for their benefit. As for self-esteem and loving myself, no amount of masks can cover the fact that I am a hypocrite
in that arena.

And you should know that the lies won't hide your flaws, no sense in hiding all of yours Like I said, no amount of masks completely cover the fact that I'm not who they want me to be. I know that and they know that - it's enough to make one wonder why bother hiding behind the lies. Except that I have to try to be the me they want me to be.

You gave up on your dreams along the way How much have I given up over the course of my life to become what they want? I have trouble even thinking on that topic for too long.

I can fake with the best of anyone, I can fake with the best of em all, I can fake with the best of anyone. I can fake it all... But when push comes to shove, I can put on a mask and hold my own for a while. Especially for my kids. I can be strong when handling their affairs. They don't really understand the concept that I have the problems I do. And I can blend in with the PTA Moms and make all the right impressions on the teachers and staff. I can even pull off events with the In-Laws and have people tell me that I'm looking good and that it's good to see me feeling better.

But the truth is... I wonder how much of my soul is being eaten away by this pattern of behavior. Not that I am really willing to think there is a better way. It's not just Fake it. It's Fake It til you make it...

Square Peg in a Round Hole

2009-02-01T09:48:00.002-06:00

Kid-3 announced today that he doesn't like his Sunday school class because he never learns anything and finds it pointless. I don't want to force him to go to a class he hates but I do want him to go to church. Being mostly asleep this morning and not having the time to consider what to do, we gave him the choice of going to class or coming to service with us. He chose to come with us. We attend the contemporary service which is mostly modern music performed by a live group. It does have a sermon, of course, but it doesn't have all the pomp and circumstance that most of them do.

Well, Kid-3 enjoyed the service and as we put our chairs away, he said he already knew what he was going to say when we talked about what we learned at church today. I feel much better. He plans to attend service with us from now on.

The Youth-Pastor gave the sermon again. The last sermon I heard of his was all about evangelism and alternately annoyed and bored me. He started out waxing enthusiastic about a friend and fellow pastor that is visiting the church. The guy has been working with Muslims to turn them into Christians for 15 years and Youth-Pastor couldn't heap enough praise on him. Then he launched into the Bible reading, part of a story about some lepers who went to the enemy camp to surrender only to find it empty. They stole some stuff and hid it and then decided they were doing the wrong thing and had to go tell the city the good news.

Of course, Youth-Pastor turned it into a lesson on evangelism. Yawn. But he also put it out there that no matter how big the problem, God is bigger and stronger. That clicked with Kid-3 and I like the concept as well. He had another point too but it neither appealed to me nor annoyed me so I have already forgotten what it was.

All the way through the service, I kept feeling out of place. Looking at the Apostles' Creed on the big screen and listening to everyone around me repeating it like mindless zombies really brought home how much I don't fit in. I am trying, I really am but I feel like a square peg trying to cram myself into a round hole. I want to believe. It would be nice to believe in something or someone who can grant instant forgiveness and make everything all better. It would be nice to believe in the same things most people I know believe in. I guess I thought if I found a round hole big enough, it wouldn't matter that I'm a square peg.

Last week with The Shrink, by way of introduction to the topic of Communion freaking me out, I explained my hypocrisy about taking them to church. I quite confused him, once I explained that I can't get my head around the whole concept of worshiping a man. And yet here I am, going out of my way and out of my comfort zone to ensure my kids learn the ways and rituals and the beliefs of the very religion I can't believe in.

I told him that I keep trying to believe. He stopped me and asked me why I was trying to force something like that. I told him that I have a hole; something is missing. I want it to be faith. And even though I can't get it to fit, yet, I am still trying. And I accept that I may never get there and yet still push my kids to find faith in the church. I am a hypocrite - but I'm okay with that.

The only thing that worries me is the fear of never filling that hole, especially since I don't know what is missing from it. What if it isn't religion at all?

Second Opinion

2009-01-28T17:00:00.001-06:00

I went to the Kid-Shrink today to get a second opinion on my own psych issues.

~~~REWIND~~~

My Med-Shrink has been treating me for a mood disorder for probably about 5 years. I have been growing increasing unhappy with the communication between us. He is always rushed and detached, doesn't want explanations or input beyond a one or two word reply. I never feel like I have had the opportunity to go over the questions and problems I came into the office needing to discuss. The more time that goes by, the more frustrated I get. I tried to bring the issues out into the open once before and composed a clear, concise and specific letter detailing how I feel, why, and what I would like to see happen instead. He responded and we discussed it and he basically said that that's how he is and nothing is going to change so adapt or leave. And so I adapted but with growing frustration. After this past December though, I can't continue this way. I need a different kind of therapeutic relationship.

~~~REWIND +/- 15 YEARS~~~

At 17 years old, I became so depressed that I refused to get out of bed half the time and became impossible to deal with. I was suicidal and self-harming (though no one saw that at the time) and having a lot of problems. The Mother dragged me to a shrink. After an extensive interview with him, he concluded that I had depression issues but so did my mother. He asked her about getting treatment for herself. The Mother freaked out and declared the man incompetent and evil and stormed out, dragging me behind her. She ranted for days about how dare he blame my problems on her. My problems were my fault, not hers; I was the problem, not her.

That shrink happened to be the Kids-Shrink.

~~~FLASH FORWARD TO PRESENT~~~

I was nervous about seeing the Kids-Shrink. He seems to have a high opinion of me both as a person (we share book recommendations) and as a parent (based on the degree to which he includes me in the decision-making process with them). I was afraid that once he saw my symptom list, he would write me off as incapable of making those decisions. Of maybe accuse me of faking and exaggerating because that's not how I present when I am with them.

I was also afraid of what he would say. Would he take one look at the cutting and suicidal behaviors and declare me hopeless? Would he decide that the Med-Shrink si doing just fine and that my expectations are unrealistic? Would he tell me I just need to try harder? Would he say he knows how to make it poof-all-better and I'd get my expectations too high only to crash? Or could he make me poof-all-better and I'd find out that I really am just lazy and selfish and spoiled and there is no hope for me?

The difference between what I expected (or rather feared) and what happened spans oceans. He reviewed the paperwork I turned in and asked a few questions. He had me fill out an assessment on attention symptoms, which made me feel like someone had crawled into my head. I told him that the Med-Shrink had told me it's not possible to have ADD if there are any other diagnoses present. He reassured me that isn't the case (Kid-1 being a perfect example) and that there are very clear attention difficulties here that, given that they have been lifelong, point definitively to ADD/ADHD.

He then said that my symptom cluster profile speaks directly to PTSD and asked if I had a past history of trauma. I cannot tell you how much I despise that question. I generally nod and hope it will blow over but I know it won't - it can't - and they will then want to know what and when and who and I can never get the words to come out of my mouth and I'm lucky if I can struggle through staying present long enough to present enough information for them to get the idea. He did get the idea, though, and made his notes and then dropped it.

He asked about what meds I'm on and what they are doing for me. I couldn't really vouch for the efficacy of the Depakote or even the Wellbutrin because I haven't seen a difference with the Depakote and I've been on the Wellbutrin so long I don't know if it's helping or not. I've had plenty of rough spots despite being on the Wellbutrin but, like the VNS, I may not know if it is helping or not until I go off of it and see what happens. I do find the Seroquel helpful in a way I can back up with concrete experience. I feel the same about the Xanax, though I remain cautious about that and want it monitored closely.

When all was said and done, his (technically second) opinion consisted of the following diagnoses: PTSD, ADD, Mood Order NOS. He recommended some changes in my meds (namely stopping the Wellbutrin and the Depakote and adding Concerta). He said he is really glad I am seeing The Shrink as he thinks he does a great job. And he has hope for me...

Absolution Via Ritualized Symbology

2009-01-28T10:39:00.002-06:00

After an in-depth discussion with The Shrink this morning about the potential cause of my irrational and extreme reaction to Communion at church last Sunday, he offered some possibilities as to why it happened. Far from the potential that something happened long ago to trigger this fear, we explored what thoughts and feelings I experienced on Sunday. (How very CBT - and quite effective in this case.) He asked how I see Communion and what I thought about while watching it. We discussed my views as opposed to the traditional views taught by the church. We reached a few potential answers for what triggered the fear response and I feel much more comfortable now. As is my norm, after I left I continued to think and churn it over in my mind, taking what he said and extending it out to see where it goes.

At this point, I think I freaked out for a couple of reasons. Communion represents one of the fundamental parts of Christianity that I can't get behind - the worshiping of Jesus the Man above or equal to God the Creator. The very concept of eating his flesh and drinking his blood revolts me both on a surface level and on a theological level. Aside from the cannibalism aspect, it seems to be a very direct manifestation of the worshiping of Jesus rather than Christ.

So it represents a threat to my belief system. I have been trained to do as those around me are doing and keep my counsel to myself. I know what I believe and what I think and what I feel but I will often set those aside in order to comply with instructions or avoid notice or criticism. The expectation at that point was to participate in Communion ritual which goes against the grain of what I believe in my heart. Even though participation isn't mandatory and no one was condemning me for not going up there, I felt the pressure to conform and to not rock the boat and to just do what was expected of me regardless of my belief.

In addition to threatening my spiritual belief system and challenging my ability to act on my beliefs rather than conforming, the very process of Communion involves going up in front of the church and speaking directly to a pastor who would look at me and speak to me and potentially judge me. I would stand out as different, inferior. After all, what God-fearing Christian isn't eligible to take Communion? (sarcasm intended)

The Shrink suggested the reason Communion in particular triggered me so badly is because the whole thing is about absolution of sins. Apparently by going symbolic cannibal, Jesus takes away your sins and all is happy-happy again. He suggested that the concept is diametrically opposed to my belief system. I just don't think it works that way. You do the crime, you do the time. In order to receive absolution, you have to acknowledge you screwed up, apologize for it, make amends if possible, learn from it and be willing to let it go. It has nothing to do with eating crackers and drinking grape juice. If you did horrible things, accepting Jesus shouldn't be enough to "fix it". There has to be some aspect of reparations. Not only is that completely against my spiritual beliefs, the concept is against my mindset.

I have done horrible things and made horrible choices and hurt people in horrible ways. I can't conceive of a possibility where eating crackers and drinking grape juice can make all that not matter any more. And man can suddenly say Poof! Your sins are forgiven. Only the people who committed the sins and the people harmed by them can grant forgiveness. So, he's right that I disagree on the same level that I constantly run into - forgiveness of myself - but I don't think it applies to the Communion situation because I didn't know that was the purpose of Communion. I thought it was a reaffirmation of dedicating to Jesus the Man.

Mood: analytical
Appropriate Song: Scared by Three Days Grace

Reality Check, Anyone?

2009-01-27T22:10:00.002-06:00

I know that December was bad. I have no idea how bad it was. I wasn't there. I curled up in that place inside my head that I have been craving for years and I stayed there for a month. I broke. I lost it and I crumbled and I drowned. I saw it coming but no one believed me. They were too busy expressing confidence that I could do it to hear that I wasn't being paranoid. The official story is the toxic combination of Ambien and Xanax. The Med-Shrink didn't buy it but then he thinks he can do no wrong so the concept of him giving me meds that nearly destroyed me is out of his personal reality. When pushed against the walls of our own belief system, we will create our own reality that may or may not match up to other people's. Regardless of why, I broke and I drowned and I hurt people.

BFF made a remark tonight. I don't even remember what we were talking about but she made an off-hand remark about me being so totally gone in December and that I must not be reading her blog any more or there would have been dialog about it. She's right - I stopped reading her blog. (I've stopped 90% of my online activities - I just don't have the strength for them.) But it got me to wondering what she had said and if maybe she had more pieces to the puzzle I have been trying to piece together of what happened. So I went back and I read her blog. I read all of December and much of January.

Apparently, the first time I was committed in December, when it was involuntary but very brief, they made the decision to do it, not the hospital. She said she hoped I would understand one day. Whatever - there is no emotional content to that knowledge - I don't remember it so it doesn't feel like betrayal. It just surprised me. I had been given to believe that the hospital, with the input from The Shrink and the Med-Shrink, made the decision. From what I understand, pulling out the IV and unwrapping my sliced up arm didn't help my cause, nor did trying to walk home without getting dressed.

One thing I didn't know at all and that has me surprised and, truth be told, quite hurt, is that the day of the Family Feud (huge drama over whether I could go to the airport to pick up Hubby or not - got very ugly), that day she felt I was lying at one point or another. It seems I was totally incoherent for hours and then cleared up and seemed fine. She thought - and maybe still does for all I know - that I was faking it at one time or the other. Of everyone, of all the people who know me, I never expected her to accuse me of faking this stuff. The woman I thought was my staunch ally apparently believes I am the type of person to make up psychotic breakdowns. Regardless of whether she has since changed her mind or not, that is going to take some time to process. Something has changed right there, because of that, that I'm not sure can be put back together.

Aside from that, I am appalled at her ability to see things only from her perspective. No, not really appalled because this is not something new. I have occasionally wondered if she has some low lever Asperger's going on but I am fairly confident it is just because of her screwed up past. Everyone is a product of their experiences and hers have taught her to look out for number one without noticing anything else that doesn't directly impact her perception of the world and herself.

She is extremely resentful of the pressure placed on her when I fell apart. She had to cook and clean and take care of things. She couldn't leave Kid-5 with me whenever she wanted to so that she could go study or write or play her online video game. She had to deal with my kids fighting and not helping around the house. I wasn't there to gossip with or edit her stories. I couldn't be there to take care of her every need so that she could be free to pursue her own agenda. I inconvenienced her and put stress on her and she had basically decided she would be better off moving to New Hampshire where Kid-5's grandparents are. I guess the price of room and board and luxuries got to be too high. Kid-3 got the stomach flu while I was in the hospital and she felt so put upon unfairly and ill-used.

I don't ask her for much. In fact, I don't ask her for hardly anything. I don't expect her to cook or clean or babysit. I don't take any money from her and the past few weeks have been giving her everything that I have got and then some. I do anything she asks me to do, without question. (Not always without complaint - she has the habit of scheduling things over top of my schedule and then saying I never told her about it. I get cranky about that and make it clear that it is a pain in the ass to cover it.)

And I don't keep a tally sheet in my head. I have no idea how often I watch Kid-5. I have no idea how much money I've given her since we've been back in the house. I have no idea how many hours we've spent editing stories that I didn't like in the first place. It doesn't matter to me. I don't expect her to keep everything in balance. I don't do a tit for tat situation. I give her everything I am able to give because I want to, because I can, because she needs it, because I love her. I do everything in my power to protect her just as fiercely as if we shared blood.

Normally I don't resent it. It makes me feel good to be in a position that I can help. And I try to meet her where she's at and not expect more than she is capable or willing to give. I don't plan on her being home when she says she will. I try to make sure I have a backup planned if I've asked her to pick up or drop off the kids because I know that if something comes up in her world, she will drop mine to do it. I know this so I plan for it. I know she doesn't keep commitments, she has no respect for other people's time, and never feels honor-bound by a contract or commitment. I know that she doesn't understand social cues and probably never will and I don't let that bother me because that's just her. And I accept her where she at, no matter where that is.

But reading her posts from when I was drowning and listening to her talking about setting boundaries... I am really fighting that resentment. Because I don't expect her to keep things even. I don't expect her to change her ways to suit me. I don't make offers that I am not happy with giving. But I do expect her to know when it is a big deal and to act appropriately. I don't expect her to cook and clean and babysit, but I guess I expected her to realize that in any other situation, that would be expected to some degree - I expected gratitude not attitude. I don't expect her to do things but I don't think she has the right to get mad at me me if they then don't get done. And I keep holding on to the unrealistic expectation that she will apologize in accordance with social norms when she inconveniences someone, regardless of whose "fault" it is.

She is so wrapped up in her own world. Everything that bothered her about December, about me in December, was because of what it was costing her. She wasn't worried about me because of the pain I was in, she was worried about me because the pain I was in meant she couldn't have or do some of the things she wanted and expected. She wasn't worried about where in my head I had gone that resulted in me not being coherent at all, she was worried about who was going to babysit Kid-5 so she could study for her test and not have to clean the house. She wasn't worried about the impact that my state would have on my kids, just that she had to take care of them for me.

I know that she cares about me. She is my BFF and my life-sister (as opposed to blood-sister). She enjoys the things we do together and she appreciates the things we do for each other. It just frustrates me that she sees everything only from the POV of "what will this do for me" instead of "what can we do for each other". And of course, I can't help thinking that Jung would probably say that this bothers me because I am the same way - good old Shadow concept - and that makes me feel horribly shameful for being frustrated at all.

How often do I say (well, think) that if a person doesn't like something, they should do something about it? Whether that something is to address the issue and get it changed, or adapt their expectations, or walk away... they need to do something or they have no right to continue to complain about it. So this is me, trying to get my head around the fact that BFF's world does not extend beyond how it immediately affects her. This is not a new concept, not a new state of being for her or towards me. I guess I just keep having it reinforced in a more direct way than before. Her therapy reinforces these concepts - that it is all about her - and living with her makes it more immediate and intimate.

So now I need to shit or get off the pot - adapt my expectations or do something to change the situation. And right now I am too hurt, too tired, and too scared to change the circumstances so I am in the process of reprogramming my expectations. I have taken her off my list of people that don't judge me. (It is down to 3 people now.) I have made mental notes to stop expecting any level of assistance from her that doesn't come with resentment. I am reworking my concept of where she fits into our household since she doesn't want to be part of the family. (Apparently all she wants is room and board and luxuries.)

She is still my BFF. She is still my biggest supporter of my short story writing and my most accessible friend to talk to about writing or some emotional stuff. (So long as it doesn't involve my mother or Hubby or the kids or anything that bothers her because she can't listen and let me vent, she just gets angry at them for it.) And above all, she is doing her best in the only ways she knows how.

Mood: shocked and hurt
Appropriate Song: Heaven Forbid by The Fray for the BFF and Fake It by Seether for me

Irrational Fear

2009-01-27T09:09:00.002-06:00

I am a "Why" person. Everything that happens around me, inside me, to me or because of me... I want to know why. Why do people try to assume a baby is saying a word when they are babbling? (Because humans instinctively look for patterns in things around them.) Why is PersonA so angry at PersonB over what seems to be something so small? (Because PersonaA sees it as a symptom of a larger issue, one that is a pet peeve.)

Understanding why people do what they do helps me cope with those things that are less than pleasant. Why did MurdererX kill VictimY? Maybe I'll never know for sure the answer to that but I have logical possibilities: maybe they got into a fight while drunk. Maybe one was trying to defend themselves and things got violent. Maybe MurdererX has issues with uncontrolled rage. Maybe MurdererX is a sociopath and has no moral barometer. I may never know, but I understand the possibilities. And it doesn't make it okay, not by a long shot, but it makes it a little more logical to me, it makes more sense.

Then there are the things for which I cannot answer the question, "Why did this happen?" Those things bother me. There is a spectrum of bothered involved, usually related to how strongly the resulting action made me feel.

There was a man who walked into a daycare with which he had no association and started stabbing everyone with the intent to kill. He killed two infants and one of the workers and put 12 other people in the hospital. Then he left and rode away on his bicycle. I can't make sense of this. I can only assume he was delusional in some extreme manner but why that place? Why those people? It makes no sense and it bothers me. It doesn't bother me to the point of disrupting my daily functioning (like the Andrea Yates thing did, where I still can't give a bath without a panic attack) but when I think of the incident, I feel agitated.

There was a guy whose car was stopped on a train track when the train came. It hit and killed him. As near as they can figure, there was no reason for him to be there. There was no traffic blocking him, the warning lights were perfectly functional and he had plenty of time to leave the vehicle if something was wrong with it. (They can't be sure because they squished the car, but if I remember correctly, they do not believe anything was wrong with the car.) I don't understand why this happened. Was he trying to kill himself? If so, he succeeded, though I can't help but wonder if he considered the aftermath that the train's engineer will have to deal with for the rest of his life. He feels like he killed someone, despite it not being his fault in any way, shape or form. I don't get it and that bothers me, but I didn't even remember it until I was trying to come up with examples for this post so it obviously isn't bothering me that much.

But some things do bother me and they bother me a lot...

We went to church again Sunday, as planned. The sermon was okay. It was about God giving us multiple chances to follow Him. It was based on the Bible stuff where Peter and Andrew and I don't remember who else were fishing and Jesus said to come be fishers of men and they did, for a while, but went back to fishing and Jesus came to them again and asked them to follow him and they did and became disciples. Good concept - I like the idea of a God who keeps presenting opportunities until you take one. Reminds me a little of the Three Rowboats and a Helicopter but that's for another tale, uh, sermon, or whatever. So, no major issues there. Still confused about the whole God/Jesus distinction but whatever. I'll work through it.

Then they announced it was time for Communion. And I panicked. Flat out, eyes like a deer in the headlights, looking for a way to get out of the building, can't breathe, can't think, can't talk kind of panic. Hubby talked me through it calmly, carefully, gently. He held my hand while I tried to break his fingers from holding so tight. He reminded me to breathe and kept telling me it was okay and that we didn't have to go up there or anything, just stay in our seats. But I was terrified. Even the word Communion makes my stomach turn over and my heart speed up, gives me that buzzy feeling in the back of my head.

This bothers me. A LOT. Because I have absolutely no reason to be afraid of Communion. I've never taken it in my life. The church I grew up in didn't do it. And I had good experiences with the church I grew up in so it isn't even a matter of guilt by association. I absolutely cannot pinpoint where that blind terror is coming from.

I never went to another church regularly. I mean, I went to my cousin's church during the couple weeks in the summer when I stayed there but I have absolutely no memory of that. No memory to the point that when I went to that church for my Uncle's memorial service, despite it being the same church building that it has been for 50+ years, it didn't even look familiar to me.

So it's not from a past church experience. What it is from? Why does the thought of having to participate in that activity, or be present while others do, scare me to an incapacitating degree? I can't answer these questions and I don't even have any theories. Plus, it directly involves me. And it generated a drastic (practically melodramatic) reaction in me. So it is on the high side of that spectrum.

There has to be a foundation for it - but what is it? Why did I freak out? Why am I extremely nervous and agitated just writing this, with my fingers shaking and my breath coming too shallow and too fast? And yet I can't come up with anything. It gives every appearance of being a totally irrational fear.

Snapshot in Time (Symptom Questionnaire)

2009-01-24T21:51:00.010-06:00

I am working on changing psychiatrists. To that end, I have scheduled an appointment for a "second opinion" with the Kids' Shrink. When I did, he gave me this huge list of symptoms to fill out. There are a bazillion statements and I was supposed to put a + by the ones that apply to me, cross out the ones that don't apply to me, put a ++ by the ones that describe me perfectly and make any comments I felt appropriate. It took me close to three hours to complete the questionnaire. It occurred to me that this questionnaire provides a detailed look at where I am at psychologically; it's a snapshot in time. I think it might be helpful for me to look at these things as I try to create my road map for becoming more emotionally healthy. (Not to mention just plain fascinating to read and dissect!) I'm going to put it up here so I don't lose it.

WARNING: THIS IS REALLY REALLY REALLY long and I don't expect anyone to read the whole thing. I just want a record of it and I think I can learn a lot about myself at this moment in time from it.

Here are my responses exactly how I put them down:
_______________

Mood:

+ I feel sad.
   I cry easily. Not in front of others but often when I am alone
+ I lack energy
+ I feel slowed down.
++I feel guilty like I have done something wrong
+ I feel hopeless about the future
++I think a lot about death and dying
   Life is not worth living Mine isn't but my kids' is
+ I feel emotionally numb
---------> the one above this and below this I put a bracket to tie them together with the comment I swing between these
+ I am very emotional
   ~~I feel irritable and short-tempered~~ no more often than anyone else
   ~~My temper gets out of control~~ almost never
+ My mood changes for no reason doesn't everyone's?
   ~~I have mood swings without reason~~
+ I get upset easily
   ~~Sometimes I feel more happy than normal~~
   ~~Sometimes I feel on top of the world~~
+ I worry too much
+ I'm afraid of leaving home I do anyways
   ~~I am afraid of being alone~~ with 8 people in this house, I barely remember "alone"
   I am afraid of sleeping alone no more or less than anything else
+ I have panic attacks
+ Sometimes I feel so scared as if I will go crazy or die
   Sometimes I feel so scared as if I am having a heart attack I have learned these aren't heart attacks
+ My heart beats too fast during panic attacks
++I am afraid of things/places/situations that most people handle fine
++I am very shy
++I am afraid to speak in front of strangers
++I am very self-conscious

Speech:

   ~~I talk too much~~
   ~~I talk very little~~
   My thoughts do not make sense they make sense to me!
   ~~I stutter~~
   ~~My speech is odd and unusual~~

Thought Content:

++I think I am worthless
++I feel inferior to others
   I think I am important and special (I used four lines to cross this one out)
   ~~I think that people are watching me~~
+ I think that people are talking about me
   I do not easily trust others complicated to explain this one. i give everyone the benefit of the doubt on their own behalves but still assume they think ill of me and/or mean me harm
   ~~I think this world is full of trickery~~
++People just do not understand me
++I think a lot about my past abuse and bad memories
+ I hear voices that other people don't hear
+ I see things that other people don't see
++I think bad thoughts
+ I cannot get bad thoughts out of my mind
   ~~I worry about getting a serious illness~~
+ I have many aches and pain
   ~~I have many things wrong with the body~~ define "many"?
   ~~I think my face does not look right~~
++I think I am ugly
+ I think about being overweight a lot define "a lot"?
+ Things feel unreal
   I feel unreal, as if I am in a dream not all the time
++I lose periods of time of which I have no memory
++I feel unsure of myself
+ I have no clear plans for the future

Behavior:

   ~~I do the same activities over and over again~~ only because we have scheduled activities
   ~~I have my routines and rituals~~ only what it takes to keep a household of 8 running
   ~~I fidget a lot~~
+ ~~I am unable to sit quietly~~i have to be doing something
+ I am often on the go see comment about having 8 people in the household
   ~~I am impatient~~ no more than anyone else
   ~~I have trouble waiting for turns~~
   ~~I interrupt others~~
++I get into other people's business
   ~~I love fighting~~ (I used four lines to cross this out) I HATE IT!
   ~~I bully others~~
+ I am cruel to people I don't mean to be but I still end up hurting their feelings! :-(
   ~~I am cruel to animals~~
   ~~I destroy property in anger~~
   ~~I have been in trouble with the law~~
   ~~I steal~~
   ~~I lie a lot~~ (I used two lines to cross this out)
   ~~I break rules a lot~~
++I keep making the same mistakes again and again
   ~~I do not like people telling me what to do~~
++I just cannot make decisions

Tics and Obsessions:

   ~~I make noises~~
   ~~I have muscle twitches~~
   ~~I miss school more than average~~ N/A
+ I miss work a lot on SSDI so, definition, yes
   ~~I check things over and over~~
   ~~I wash my hands over and over~~
+ I count over and over as an anxiety coping device
   ~~I hoard things~~
   I find it hard to throw things away

Focus and Persistence and Learning:

++I find it hard to stick to things
+ I find it hard to be a self-starter
++I make careless mistakes
+ I have a hard time focusing on boring things
   ~~I don't listen when spoken to~~
++I leave tasks and chores incomplete
++I start many things and leave them incomplete
++I have a hard time getting organized
++I lose things
+ I get easily distracted by my surroundings
+ I am forgetful
+ I am unable to stay awake and alert more than average but not currently to the point of being incapacitated
+ I have a hard time focusing
   ~~I am accident prone~~
   ~~I am clumsy~~
+ I am not well coordinated
   ~~I have problems learning in school~~
   ~~I am unable to read well~~
   ~~I am unable to write well~~
   ~~I have problems dealing with Math~~

Relations and Adaptation:

+ I cut myself
+ I used to cut myself but not any more this is the goal! :-)
+ I burn myself also past tense
   ~~I have a hard time getting along with my family members~~
   ~~I have a hard time getting along with others at school~~ N/A
   ~~I have a hard time getting along with others at work~~N/A
? I am very self-absorbed probably? maybe? I don't know...
   I am unable to have fun with other people people make me very nervous. if I can get past that, I am able to have fun
   ~~I am unable to connect emotionally with others~~
   ~~I blame others for my mistakes~~
   ~~I hold grudges~~ only against myself
   ~~I argue with others~~
   ~~I hate being bossed around~~
   ~~I do not like people in authority~~
   ~~I do not like to be told what to do~~
? I manipulate others to get my way
   ~~I am not sensitive to the needs of others~~
   ~~I am jealous/envious of people better off than me~~ no more than anyone else
++I am very upset by criticism. I feel attacked
   ~~People find me too controlling~~
   ~~People annoy me a lot~~
   ~~I like taking care of details~~
   ~~I like things done just right~~
+ It is hard for me to find help in the community mostly because I have trouble asking for it
   ~~I do not feel close to other people~~
   I often ignore bathing/showering/my personal appearance define "often"? when my depression is at its worst, I don't care enough or have enough energy to do anything about it

Eating and Sleeping:

   ~~I do not enjoy eating these days~~
+ I eat more than I should
   Sometimes I eat a lot of food in one sitting "a lot" as in too much, not as in binging
   ~~I make myself throw~~
   ~~I sometimes take several laxative pills close together~~
++I feel too fat
   ~~I use laxitaves daily~~
   ~~I sometimes eat things others do not consider food~~
   I have lost weight I did for a while - almost 25 lbs
+ I have gained weight
   ~~Over my life, my weight has gone up and down a lot~~
++I have a hard time getting to sleep
++I wake up a lot during the night
+ I wake up tired and unrefreshed
+ I feel fatigued during the days
+ I feel sleepy during the day
+ I have nightmares
   ~~I do not need much sleep~~
   ~~I walk at night and do not remember it the next day~~
   ~~I talk at night and do not remember it the next day~~
   ~~I eat at night and do not remember it the next day~~
   ~~I drive at night and do not remember it the next day~~
   ~~I wet the bed at night~~
   ~~I soil the clothes~~

Substance Abuse and Additions:

   I smoke cigarettes
   I used to smoke cigarettes but do not anymore
   I chew tobacco
   I used to chew tobacco but do not anymore
   I used to drink to excess but not anymore
+ I sometimes feel guilty about my drinking
   I have felt that I need to cut down my drinking
   I get annoyed by people telling me that I need to cut down my drinking no one tells me that
   Sometimes I need a drink of alcohol to get around in the morning
   I smoke marijuana
   I used to smoke marijuana but I do not any more
   I use cocaine/meth/crank
   I used cocaine/meth/crank but I do not any more
   I abuse other drugs or prescriptions
   I have abused other drugs or prescriptions in the past but I do not any more
   I have problems with withdrawal from drugs or alcohol
   I have had problems with withdrawal from drugs or alcohol in the past
   I huff gas/markers
   I used to use gas/markers but do not any more

Sex: (you would not believe how hard it was for me to type this section! *sigh*)

+ My sexual desire is less than normal
   ~~My sexual desire is more than normal~~
+ I have difficulty in achieving orgasm
   (guy question i'm not going to type)
   ~~I engage in sexual behavior that many people see as abnormal~~

Primary Work/School/Social Performance:

+ I enjoy my work (or school) when I am well
   ~~I enjoy my work (or school) these days~~
   ~~I perform well at my work (or school) when I am well~~
   ~~I perform well at my work (or school) these days~~
+ I am unable to attend work (or school)
++I am on long term disability
   ~~I have many friends~~

Childhood

   ~~I was physically abused as a child~~
+ I was sexually abused as a child
   I was emotionally abused as a child currently under debate
   ~~My basic needs were not met as a child~~
   I saw a lot of fighting in my home as a child only fights involving me but define "a lot"
++I could never do well enough for my ~~parents~~mother growing up
+ I was loved as a child
+ I had a hard time growing up
+ I ran away from home but I was returned home by the cops a few hours later

The God That Is Jensen Ackles - MBV3D

2009-01-23T21:52:00.003-06:00

We saw My Bloody Valentine 3D tonight, Hubby and I did. As far as movie content it was extremely predictable. Typical slasher movie complete with standard cliches and only very minor plot twists.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~SPOILERS~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The most notable thing about this movie is that he turns out to be the bad guy at the end. In fact, he turns out to be a psychotic bad guy who didn't even know he was the bad guy. And Jensen does such a fabulous job of it!

Now bear in mind that I practically worship this man both as an actor and as a guy. Not only is he so gorgeous that I melt when I watch him, he is a great actor and every evidence I've ever seen or dug up (and I have done a bit of digging) indicates he's just a really great guy.

So... Tom (his character) in this movie isn't Dean. He isn't Jake. He isn't Alec. He is Tom. I was very impressed. There are some familiar facial expressions and body language but the entire air of the character is vastly diffferent from any other character I've seen him play. And I've seen all of them except the brief stint in the Sweet Valley High show (way before my time of cyber-stalking him).

Then came the end, and we saw Tom become Harry and KA-POW! I am now furthe rin love than before. Jensen pulls off this angry, evil, unrepenting, totally senseless, madman murderer with a ferocity that made the screen boil and the hairs on my arm stand up. There was none of his other characters there either - not even Pissed-Off Dean or Murder-Machine Alec.

I think I am going to swoon now. Maybe if I'm lucky I will dream of him......

This is Alec from Dark Angel when he lost his temper. The closest I could find to a different character that is like Tom when he became Harry. And they aren't the same.