Wednesday, December 30, 2009

I'm Cured!

Had good news from therapy this morning: I am doing so well and have made so much progress that we have gone to every other week appointments, starting immediately!

Truly, my progress is dramatic. It would be hard to recognize me as the same girl I used to be. Perhaps it would be like looking at identical twins separated at birth; same DNA but not the same person at all.

I started seeing The Shrink at the end of January four years ago following a hospitalization. At the time, I was basically non-functional. I remember my first appointment with him. I was terrified. I didn't want to look at him, let alone talk to him. The only reason I kept going back to anyone was to keep my family happy. The only reason I kept going back to him was because he is gorgeous and has a very soothing voice. At that time I was actively suicidal and completely lost inside my own head. The only thing keeping me alive was guilt over the pain my suicide would have caused.

I've come a long way since then. I am not actively suicidal anymore, meaning that trying to find a way to make it happen without destroying my family no longer consumes me. I just finished my first term back in school with straight A's, missing less than 25 points (out of about 1,600) in all assignments, tests and papers from all four classes. I made it through last spring without being hospitalized and will make it through Christmas/New Year's also. I no longer take the blame for every problem in existence, whether it had anything to do with me or not. I am even able to acknowledge that I have good traits. (I truly love and care about my family and I am intelligent enough to succeed in college.) Recently I have even learned to occasionally stand my ground when I am right. (Granted, that rarely happens, but when it does, I will sometimes stand my ground to defend it. Once, I even stood my ground to defend myself!)

The difference is night and day. The Shrink sees that. He says that I don't need him like I used to and that I am doing great. Pretty soon, even every other week will be unnecessary and it will become once a month and then as needed. YAY ME! I'm graduating...

Sunday, December 27, 2009

PostSecret




This isn't my secret. But it could be...

(albeit a little less dramatically. It was actually 2 Januarys ago that I was actively suicidal. Last January, I was just psychotic and incapacitated. Plus, I'm not ready to apply to grad school yet, although I have publicly stated my intentions to do so when the time comes.)

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Blah Humbug

I'm not in a Scrooge mood. I just feel intensely apathetic. I keep trying to find my Christmas spirit but so far no luck. I had really hoped that after the school stress was over, I would perk right up. School stress has passed - triumphantly, even, since I did so well. And so many things are happening that I am thankful for! But no Christmas spirit yet.

Christmas wide, we haven't had any major disasters and it looks like we have succeeded in our annual goal to get each kid the one thing on their list (within reason) that they want the most. The tree is up and decorated, Hubby made and put up the Merry Christmas sign that he's been wanting to do for years, most of the shopping is done, plans are made...

Bottom line: there's no reason for me to feel this way. I've tried the "fake it til you make it" approach, the "sit with it so that it can pass" approach, the "list all the reasons why it's wonderful" approach, and tried to do the "watch Christmas movies til you want to puke" approach (although I haven't been able to watch any of the three that I really wanted to see). So what the heck is my problem???

Little things tug at my heartstrings this year while very few things warm my soul. While Christmas shopping, I see toys that would be perfect for Trainwreck's daughter and I hurt. For every bit that I am glad to be rid of her mother, I miss her. I keep making references to things we did "last year" only to be set straight that they were from two years ago - a painful reminder of how much I missed last year. I can't find copies of "It's a Wonderful Life" or a decent version of "A Christmas Carol" to watch. Things like those that are minor and shouldn't have a significant impact.

Meanwhile, the good things either don't lift me as much as would be expected or the feeling doesn't last. I did unimaginably better on my grades than I had even hoped, let alone expected. I proved to myself that I do belong there and can succeed there, and satisfied that flame of competitiveness that I try so hard to ignore. My kids are growing up: Kid-1 went on his first date Friday (it went fabulous!) and Kid-2 will be babysitting for New Year's this year. Our tree looks beautiful and our family picture that we take turned out well. My Oldest Friend and his son decorated the tree with us and I was reminded yet again of how healthy friendships work. Hubby and I had an entire day together to go shopping and things and we had fun. As crazy busy as schedules get, it's hard to find time to do things together so this was very welcomed.

Truly, things are going well! They are better than they have been in years, although I am still struggling with some of the typical demons that rear their head this time of year. With so much to be thankful for (and I am thankful for it in my heart, not just my head)... why can't I find it in me to be merry?

It's not just my missing Christmas spirit. It's everything. I can't seem to consciously control my emotions not matter how many techniques I try so I find myself sad, or disappointed, or ashamed, or frustrated even when I know the emotions are not appropriate for the situation. I correct the negative thoughts and redirect my attention to positive aspects. I use the action/opposite-action method. All the things like those that I have learned over the years. And I still feel like a child's sailboat tossed about in a hurricane.

Oh well. That's enough of this pity-party. The good news is that this year I am mostly apathetic about Christmas instead of suicidally depressed or clueless/psychotic. And I am perfectly capable of sucking it up and smiling at all the right times. This year will pass soon enough and it may not be memorably wonderful but at least it won't be remembered in infamy...

Up and Coming Type of Therapy?

Our last day of psychology class, the prof told us he wanted us to watch a short clip about a style of therapy that may be up and coming. Then he showed us this:



I think this has potential! After all, this is an extremely common reaction by friends and family to psychological problems. I think, in fact, that this might be the origins of CBT......

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

I DID IT!

Wow! I got my essays and term paper back for ethics this morning. I was very nervous because they were 50% of my grade (all totalled) and I didn't think the term paper and one of the essays went well at all. I GOT FULL POINTS! Not only did I get the maximum points, the professor wrote, "Great Job!!" at the top of my term paper. That landed me a solid 99.3% in that class. Since my sociology test this afternoon went exactly as anticipated, that means I landed all four classes with very solid A's.

I'm so excited that I want to explode. I mean, straight A's is my goal and if I had gotten less than that I would have been seriously pissed at myself. But I guess I didn't think I could actually pull it off. Especially given how horribly critical thinking started off and how difficult my final papers in ethics turned out to be. But I DID IT!

At the same time that I am so proud of myself, I keep wondering why this happened. Why did I get such high scores on all of my assignments in all of my classes when people I know at my college (and even in my classes) got B's or barely scraped by with their A's? I can't figure out what the difference is.

Did I have more time to devote to my studies? I don't know. I have four kids with crazy busy schedules. We had numerous outbreaks of various types of viruses. We also recently got health insurance for the kids so we had physicals scheduled, a million dentist appointments, a couple of specialists, and weekly therapy with Kid-1. I am doing hospice volunteering and trying to spend time with my mom. I even did NaNoWriMo this year with 6 - 10 teenaged girls - every single school day in November except two. (One I had the flu so bad I couldn't see straight and one I had a doctor's appointment to go to.) So... more time? Not than most of the people I know from school.

Do I want it more? A couple of the kids I am thinking of are just that: kids. I'm no where near a kid any more and I've been waiting and struggling for 15 years to get back here. I've been planning every minute detail of this for so long it's scary. So I take it seriously. I pay attention in class - I go to class. I take the notes and study them before the tests. I do the research I need to do. And I refused to give up. So do I just want it more than some of the people that got B's and don't mind?

Part of me wants to think a little of it has to do with intelligence. Did I triumph like that because I'm smarter than others? Of course, the rest of me begins to giggle hysterically at that thought. Yes, I learned the material easily. But it's all introductory level classes. I learned the critical thinking material on my own and then taught it to some of my other classmates but that's because I've always been trained to think logically and critically. My papers got high grades because I love to write and so I've done a lot of it. The fact that I only missed a total of 9 questions out of all of my assignments, tests, and papers in all of my classes is just a reflection of the work I put into it. It's not like these were difficult classes.

I suppose in the end it doesn't really matter why I did so well. And I have no business comparing my performance to anyone else's. I guess I just feel so weird because I almost never come out ahead when I compare my performance to anyone else's. Regardless of why, it looks like I did something right this semester. I hope I can continue it forward into next term and beyond but for right now I will simply bask in the glory...

Monday, December 14, 2009

Things to Be Thankful For

Sometimes the things to be most thankful for are the ones we have to work the hardest to get. Sometimes those things hurt to get to them and other times they are like a breath of fresh air...

* 3 known A's (will find out about the last one tomorrow)

* learning so much at school! (academic and otherwise)

* school is facilitating tremendous healing for me (confidence, pride, and hope, among other things)

* friends at school with similar interests and no melodrama

* impending removal of an emotional canker sore

* return of a true friend, reconnected with an old friend (reminded me of how things are supposed to be)

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Surprise of the Day

I am working on the checklist for rating a "good mom". I am laying it out in Excel mostly because I like playing with its calculation abilities. I am breaking it down into very small, very concrete segments (trait, detail, kid) and averaging from the finite to the general using cold, hard numbers. Even on the subjective, which is all I have started so far, the numbers are coming out better overall than I expected them to. Of course, the first things I listed are the things I am comfortable with and good at so I know it will get more realistic soon. Still... I have a 92% adequacy rating on the major categories - WAY higher than it should be. Nonetheless, it feels good-ish. I hope to post more as I decide on the numbers.

+----- UPDATE 12/1/2009-----+

Final Tally (Pre-Therapy):
* Overall Subjective Average = 71%
* Overall Objective Average = 77%